Young Writers Society

Chapter one: The side show


It was nine years since then. Adeline was walking towards the ticket booth pitifully trying to evade the crowd. Shoving her aside like a forgotten doll, the people walked right through her. She sighed and walked on. Ever since her father’s suicide she never truly trusted people. Adeline hated large crowds, but she endured them just for the pleasure of the carnival.



The multicolored booth and attractions lay before her. Her sense picked up a familiar scent wafting threw the air. Feet leading the way, she drifted towards cotton candy booths. Adeline rocked from side to side as the line got shorter and shorter. Finally it was her turn. She looked threw her purse and pulled out a five.

“One cotton candy and a sprite please?” she kept her eyes down.


After a few moments, the slender guy handed her something on a stick, it was fluffy and blue. He still held the soda in his hand.


“Can I please have my drink? I have places to be.”


" Sure. What's you name?"


" Adeline."

" Oh that's a preety name," he smiled.

" I...I have to go now," she said eyes on the ground. She hurridly walked towards the nearest ticket booth.

" Hey you forgot your change."

" Keep it!," she yelled back.





Fingering her tickets she read the signs on the rides.

“Three tickets a ride. That’ll only give me enough for about six different rides. I should have brought more money.”


She sighed and decided to ride the roller coaster first. Heart racing she screamed for joy. Rollercoaster were so exhilarating. After riding the Mountain Serpent a few more times she decided to play somecarnival games. Adeline tried repeatedly but it was if the games were rigged.



The sun was beginning to set, she decided to head towards the Ferris wheel. From the top she could see the whole carnival. One thing caught the corner of her eye. A huge blur of blue. It was the tent of a side show attraction. The ride ended and her feet jumped towards the grass. Her pace quickened. Side shows were her favorite part of carnivals. Maybe it would be full of exotic animals? Or oddly talented people?


She reached the entrance, breathing rampantly. The usher motioned her in. The tent was swelteringly hot even though it was equipped with a fan.As she walked towards the biggest cage partly hidden within the shadows she slid the bandana off her hair.


Damian watched as the girl ran pale fingers through her sleek auburn hair. The closer she came the farther he withdrew within the cage. She wrapped her fingers around the bars and peered in with those green piercing eyes. He stared back hidden within the shadows. Blue eyes full of wonder. His black and red hair stood on end why was he so drawn to her?

“Sir?” she motioned the usher over. “Sir is that cage empty?” her fingers pointed toward the largest one.

“O that one… He must be hiding again.” The man pulled a lever and a scream escaped the cage.
Adeline rushed forward.

“Stop it! You’ll hurt it.”


The man only snickered. Whatever was in the cage crawled forward. Adeline’s eyes widened. It was a man. No it wasn’t truly a man. It was something else… something more different and beautiful than she had ever seen. It gripped the bars kneeling before her. She could see the hurt is his eyes. Adeline leaned closer. His hand reached out threw the bars and traced the scar below her right eye. Damian knew who this girl was.


She was the one he had let down so many years ago. If he had only been there in time, so much pain he could have protected her from. But he was careless. He spent his days dreaming on the clouds instead of watching over his charges. In that one moment he had looked away he had broken her soul. But he could never tell her. She would hate him and he loved her… loved her ever since she was a child. First the love a brother feels for his sister. But then it grew into something more. He had lost her over the years. Still as carless as ever he had permitted the carnies to capture him.


Now she stood before him motionless. She stared at his curiously. He stood there on knees head lowered in shame. Damian never wanted her to see him like this. Tattered and dirty a forgotten deity. But it was his fault this was his punishment for being fool hardy. Still the way she stared at him it wasn’t disgust it was longing. Never had Adeline seen something so breathtaking. Her hand edged closer to him. Weaving through the bars her fingers searched for the sleek oily feathers. He felt it Adeline’s touch her fingers stroking him gently caressing his wings.

“It’ll be okay. I won’t hurt you.”


She placed her other hand beneath his chin cupping it she raised his head. Her eyes softened when she met his gaze. Blue eyes clouded with pain lay before her. Fingers twirled his hair, and with that she left. Promising to come the next day Adeline left for home. Tears stained her cheeks as she fell onto her bed.

To tell the truth, I wasn't completely into this.
But I do like where it's going, but some things were just... I'm not sure, let's say
'Not me'. But, it was still good.

you had a few typos:

something on a stick it was fluffy and blue.

there should be a comma after 'stick'.


Keep it she yelled back!” She wasn’t going to let some guy intimidate her

It should be "Keep it!" She yelled back.


Those were a few of the ones I cought, maybe place it in word and try the spell check,
it should help a lot(:

“Keep it she yelled back!”

"Keep it!" she yelled back.

Heart racing she screamed for joy. Rollercoaster were so exhilarating. After riding the Mountain Serpent a few more times she decided to try her luck at the carnival games.

Her heart raced as she screamed for joy. The rollercoaster ride was so exhilarating. After riding the Mountain Serpent a few more times, she decided to try her luck at the carnival games.

However, you could've said 'have a go at the carnival games' instead of 'try her luck at the carnival games'.

The sun was beginning to set, she decided to head towards the Ferris wheel.

The sun was beginning to set, so she decided to head towards the ferris wheel.

A huge blur of blue, it was the tent of a side show attraction.

A huge blur of blue. It was the tent of a side show attraction.

The ride ended and her feet jumped towards the glass.

People can jump towards glass?

Adeline reached the entrance her breathing rampant.

She reached the entrance, breathing rampantly.

Although the tent was equipped with a fan it was still sweltering.

The tent was swelteringly hot even though it was equipped with a fan.

As she walked towards the biggest cage hidden within the shadows she slid the bandana off her hair.

As she walked towards the biggest cage hidden within the shadows... (If it was hidden within the shadows, how did she see it? Or maybe I'm too sleepy. So sorry.) Oh. A comma's missing.

As she walked towards the biggest cage hidden within the shadows, she slid the bandana off her hair.

Damian watched as the girl ran pale fingers threw her sleek auburn hair.

'Through' not 'threw'.

The closer she came the farther he withdrew within the cage.

The closer she came, the farther he withdrew within the cage.

His black and red hair stood on end why was he so drawn to her?

His black and red hair stood on end. Why was he so drawn to her?

“Sir is that cage empty?” her fingers pointed toward s the largest one.

towards.

Whatever was in the cage crawled forward?

O.o What did the lever make Damien scream and crawl forward?

She could see the hurt is his eyes.

*in*

Still as carless as ever he had permitted the carnies to capture him.

*careless* Oh. And by carnies, do you mean canaries? O.o

Now she stood before his motionless. She stared at his curiously. He stood there on knees head lowered in shame.

???

Tattered and dirty a forgotten deity. But it was his fault this was his punishment for being fool hardy. Still the way she stared at him it wasn’t disgust it was longing.

??? I know there's something wrong here. I just can't seem to be able to find out what's wrong. My brain's already shutting down.

He felt it Adeline’s touch her fingers stroking him gently caressing his wings.

He felt Adeline's touch. Her fingers were stroking him gently, caressing his wings.

Promising to come the next day Adeline left for home. Tears stained her cheeks as she fell onto her bed.

She left for home. She fell onto her bed. While falling, she started to cry.

Well, I pointed out whatever I could find. ^^

All in all, it was a great story. I wonder what's gonna happen in the next chapter? Inform me when you post another chapter. I'd love to read it!

I really think this has potential, it just needs a little more. I felt that this was rushed and that maybe you should slow down, give a little bit more description. Explain more about this Damian guy or something. Please keep writing, I know you know what to add, you're a great writer.
Good luck,
Angel

I liked it, and I can't wait to see where it's going! there were only a few things I saw wrong with it, though:

at the parts where it said 'threw', it should be 'through'. she's not throwing her purse.

Adeline tried repeatedly but it was if the game were rigged.

try saying either "the games were rigged" or "the game was rigged".

If you have ay questions feel free to PM me!

yeah, i kind of agree with some of the other comments.
it just needs to be more detailed, but other than that it has alot of potential keep it up!!!

Hello,

Just here to drop a review!

General comments: Personally, I felt disconnected from this piece, especially in the beginning when the boy asks for her number. It was too random and it doesn't really tell us anything about the main character.

It was nine years since then. Adeline was walking towards the ticket booth pitifully trying to evade the crowd. Shoving her aside like a forgotten doll, the people walked right through her. She sighed and walked on. Ever since her father’s suicide she never truly trusted people. Adeline hated large crowds, but she endured them just for the pleasure of the carnival.

This who paragraph gave us a LOT of information. The fact that she didn't trust people is a good personality trait but you could've showed us more of that before you told us about her father's suicide. Or the fact that she hated large crowds, don't tell us, show us. Let us know that she's agitated as she's pushing through the crowd...make her upset. Basically, she needs more emotion instead of just telling us why she's behaving a certain way.

The multicolored booth and attractions lay before her. Her sense picked up a familiar scent wafting [s]threw [/s] throughthe air. Feet leading the way, she drifted towards cotton candy booths. Adeline rocked from side to side as the line got shorter and shorter. Finally it was her turn. She looked threw her purse and pulled out a five.

“I’ll give you the drink if you give me your number.”

Personally, I didn't like this at all. It just seemed so unrealistic and random..


“Not interested” Adeline snatched the soda. Then turning on her heel ,she began to walk away.


“Hey you forgot your change!”

“Keep it!" she yelled back She wasn’t going to let some guy intimidate her. Or hit on her for that matter. Adeline never cared for the opposite sex not anymore at least. She headed further into the fair looking for some fun.

[i] Again, she doesn't care for the opposite sex..why? And don't tell us all of her secrets, shows us that she doesn't care about men when she's interacting with other men.

Damian watched as the girl ran pale fingers[s] threw [/s] through[/b[ her sleek [b], auburn hair. The closer she came the farther he withdrew within the cage. She wrapped her fingers around the bars and peered in with those green piercing eyes. He stared back hidden within the shadows. Blue eyes full of wonder. His black and red hair stood on end why was he so drawn to her?

“Sir?” she motioned the usher over. “Sir is that cage empty?” her fingers pointed toward s the largest one.

“O that one… He must be hiding again.” The man pulled a lever and a scream escaped the cage.
Adeline rushed forward.

“Stop it! You’ll hurt it.”


The man only snickered. Whatever was in the cage crawled forward? Adeline’s eyes widened. It was a man. No it wasn’t truly a man. It was something else… something different and more beautiful than she had ever seen. It gripped the bars kneeling before her. She could see the hurt is his eyes. Adeline leaned closer. His hand reached out threw the bars and traced the scar below her right eye. Damian knew who this girl was.

Now she stood before his motionless. She stared at him curiously. He stood there on knees head lowered in shame. Damian never wanted her to see him like this. Tattered and dirty a forgotten deity. But it was his fault this was his punishment for being fool hardy. Still the way she stared at him it wasn’t disgust it was longing. Never had Adeline seen something so breathtaking. Her hand edged closer to him. Weaving through the bars her fingers searched for the sleek oily feathers. He felt it Adeline’s touch her fingers stroking him gently caressing his wings.

.....

It was a decent start but you have a lot of work to do. Try to avoid those petty grammatical errors because it only throws people off. I think this could've been better if you didn't try to fit everything. Let the reader get to know Adeline first, I don't really connect with her at all and don't feel for her at all.

Hope that helped. PM with any comments/concerns. If you post another chapter or fix this one, feel free to PM me and I will take a look at it.

Cheers,

*starry.

Hmm I'll try to work out the kinks in this chapter. The next chapter explains more about Damian and about Adeline's father's death.

Actually I did use the spelling check but I guess it doesn't catch everything.

P.S. I changed the beginning conversation with the contton candy clerk. He has a part in teh later chapters.

I liked the clerk/Adeline conversation before you changed it. Now it leaves me wondering "Why did Adeline act so rushed when the guy complimented her name?" Where did she have to go? Those are just some questions that you could think about, either way, I still love the story.