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Young Writers Society


-Melody's Lullaby Chpt. 1 Part 1-



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Sun May 11, 2008 9:31 pm
ashleylee says...



I started this awhile ago but I have been fixing it up and I think it's time to post it.The title isn't permanent yet. I was debating between "Melody's Lullaby" and "A light in the dark". Tell me which one you like more! :D Also, I cut my chapters in half so...this one isn't long.

Well, Hope you like this and Happy Reading!

_____________________________________________________________________________

CHAPTER ONE

Things seemed to revolve as the world spun around me. I heard myself scream with glee as I spun faster and faster, my voice sounding higher pitched, younger sounding. Then, I saw a darker figure mesh with the already blurred images and I felt my world start to slow, until it stopped in front of the figure. I saw tears poor down the figure’s face and I felt myself yell. “Daddy! Don’t cry daddy!”

“I’m so sorry my dear sweet Melody.” I heard him sob, covering his face in his hands.


Then, I woke up.

I found myself lying on my back in my room, eyes wide open, staring at my plaster ceiling. Sweat beade created a tiara on my forehead. My body was sweltering so I yanked off the covers in frustration. Swinging my feet to touch the chilled floor, I pulled my head into my hands and groaned. I heard the creak of footsteps outside my door and froze. I heard them grow faint and then, the bathroom door shut with a snap. I could relax then. It was just my mother, up for a late night bathroom break.

I glanced at my clock and it blinked back at me. 3:24. I groaned again and stood, stretching my arms high above my head. I felt my muscles loosen as I walked to my dresser, flicking on the light to my desk. It illuminated my dark circles and my bloodshot eyes, along with my skin, which was abnormally pale. My hair looked like I had stuck my finger in a light socket and I shoved it back into a loose pony at the base of my neck. Suddenly, I heard the padded feet outside my door again and I quickly flicked off the light. But the footsteps didn’t stop and I heard the creak of my mother’s door close.

I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that my mother was still oblivious to my sleepless nights. I made myself crawl back into bed after that and the sea of blankets enveloped me. Knowing the dream was at the back of my mind, waiting for me to close my eyes and haunt me once again, I fought off the fatigue that plagued my body ever so persistently. Soon, however, my impotent efforts couldn’t hold back the drowsiness that aspired to take me and my eyes slipped closed with little restraint.

****

My alarm seemed to ring sooner than normal and soon, I was rubbing the grit from my eyes and slamming my fist onto the alarm clock, silencing it. I dragged myself to the shower with slow deliberation and closed it with the click of the lock. I waited until the room was steaming before stepping into the shower and pulling the curtain closed. Letting the water run over my skin, I felt my body relax and my mind cease to a quiet silence.

After washing my hair and body, I turned off the water and stepped from the tile to the carpet, pulling a towel around my shoulders. The mirror was too fogged to see so I swiped at it with my wet palm and saw, only briefly before the steam over took it once again, my face, clean and fresh, my eyes bright and no longer bloodshot and tired. I sighed and then, left the bathroom, feeling much better.

Downstairs, my mother waited, already dressed and drinking her hot green tea before work. She was thin and petite with her smooth, chestnut brown hair pulled back from her soft-featured face. She had big, brown eyes and rosy cheeks and she wore a crisp white blouse beneath her ironed suit-and-skirt-combo. Sensible heals were snapped onto her feet. She glanced up briefly from the pamphlet she was reading and greeted me with a smile full of white, straight teeth. “Good-morning Melody. Sleep well?”

“Yes.” I lied, smiling back. “You?”

“Actually, I was up a lot last night.” Her brow was furrowed, as if she was troubled by something.

“Oh.” I replied, digging in the cupboards for something edible to eat breakfast. “Why’s that, mom?”

“I don’t know.” My mother shrugged, her brow loosening before sipping at her green tea. “Would you like me to make you something. Eggs? Toast?”

“That’s all right. I can manage.” I assured her with a wink.

“Well, just don’t be late for school. I have to run. Have a good day Mel!” She called as she lifted the suitcase leaning against the wall beside the door. I heard my mother’s Mustang start with a soft rumble and I watched as she backed out of the short driveway into the quiet, suburban neighborhood. I shook my head at her ostentatious car before going back to making myself something to eat.

After inhaling some stale cereal, I finished drying my hair, running my fingers through it before leaping down the stairs, four at a time. Pulling my bag over my shoulder, I raced out the door. Outside, parked in all its glory, was my flagrant white BMW. It was my sixteenth birthday gift from my mother and it was the love of my life. My baby in ivory white with shiny rims, leather seating, and the top pulled back. I flashed the lights from where I stood and grinned in spite. Then, I hopped behind the wheel and pulled from the driveway, spinning it straight in a smooth motion of the steering wheel.

I looked around me as I drove thirty in the fifteen-mile-hour-zone. House upon house ranked each side of me and the sun was peaking out over the top of the rooftops in front of me. Soon, however, I left the neighborhood and entered the country. It was such a quick transition; I didn’t notice it till I smelled the manure from the fields drifting in freely because of the top down. I wrinkled my nose but there was nothing I could do about it. The sun was too heavenly to close the top.

I assumed that’s why most families with kids moved here, however. It wasn’t a bustling city but it wasn’t a desolate barren landscape either. It was rural area meets suburbia. And that’s why I loved it so much. Even though my mother despised ever little bit of the sweet town of Dainsford.

I reached school with ten minutes to spare. I parked my car in the usual spot, with one empty space on either side. It helped when your mommy was the richest woman in town with pennies to spare. Then, I exited my car, locking it securely and slipping my keys into my pocket just as another person joined me. I looked up to see my friend Carly. She was small and blonde with a permanently up-turned nose and pale complexion. “Hey Carly.” I greeted warmly.

“Hey.” Carly replied, her nose twitching as if she saw something disgusting but I ignored this, as this was always Carly’s expression. She noticed my BMW then and grinned slyly. “So, this is your baby?”

I beamed and ran an admiring hand across the back of the car. “Yes.” I sighed in ecstasy and Carly shook her head.

“Let’s go.” I could hear the irritation in her voice and I grinned again before catching up with her.

We entered the school in silence, just strolling along in sync. The school was brick and older looking. The school board restored it in it’s former glory a few years back, keeping it’s aged look, pleasing me. It felt like I was walking back in time, every time I stepped through its wooden doors.

The school was already buzzing as we entered, children scattering the area, chatting and making noise. Carly spotted her group of friends and quickly looked up at me. I shrugged, but mentally, I sneered at her. “Go. I’ll see you in English.” Carly smiled, without a trace of guilt present on her scrunched face, and headed off to join the other blonde and slender girls who barely reached my chin. I sighed and pulled my bag higher on my shoulder as I self-consciously walked by them. Carly could be so selfish sometimes, I thought angrily. I felt her friends’ eyes piercing my side but I dared not look over. I already knew how Carly’s friends felt about me but I wasn’t about to give them the satisfaction of knowing how I felt.
Last edited by ashleylee on Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:39 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Sun May 11, 2008 11:45 pm
TNCowgirl says...



Try breaking this up in half. People will crit it because it is shorter. Tell me when you do though. All you need to do is take off half and then pm people, ask them to crit it, then put the other half up and keep going that way.


TNC
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Mon May 12, 2008 12:16 am
TNCowgirl says...



It is still really long. BUT I can give you a tip that you can go ahead and implament, I think that is the right word, though spelled wrong.

This is kinda how I see your story.

I went to the store. I walked to the shelf. I pulled off a can of tomatoes.

You have to many I did this, I did that, I did this. YOu need to make it flow a little better. Don't have every sentence start with the same thing. Other then that it seemed pretty good. Just watch how it flows and make it flow a little smoother. It isn't that hard, just combine some sentences being careful of run ons. And change the starting word. Read it out loud, that always helps too. :D


Good luck.

TNC
"And you wonder why we don't like you!" -Trumpkin
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Vist my world and make it bigger!
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Mon May 12, 2008 12:41 am
TNCowgirl says...



BETTER!!! I really liked it. Didn't find anything else to tell you to change.

One thing. What does ostentatious mean???

But other then that this was really good. Keep going.

Here is what I think is going on.

1. Did her mom leave, like for good?

2. Ok, that's all I figured might be happening.


Good job though. Tell me when you put more up after going through and fixing it. Oh, and good job on taking out the I did this, I did that. You really did well.


TNC
"And you wonder why we don't like you!" -Trumpkin
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Vist my world and make it bigger!
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Mon May 12, 2008 12:48 am
ashleylee says...



TNCowgirl:

Thanks for all the reviews! :wink:

I will let you know when I post the rest.

(which should be soon! :D)
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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110 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1844
Reviews: 110
Mon May 12, 2008 2:38 am
TNCowgirl says...



Ok, you better make it soon, well acctually I have to hit the sack. But PM me when you get it done and I'll go over it.
"And you wonder why we don't like you!" -Trumpkin
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Vist my world and make it bigger!
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Mon May 12, 2008 8:55 am
budding writer says...



nice enough but you kind of used the 'i' word too much. try describe the things she sees alittle more. example : describe the bus, describe her house etc.... like you get it. make it more descriptive. other than that it was fine. 1 tip to help you along if you are planning to continue with the story :
- first thing, sorry to say but the chapter seems a bit boring, try add something, something that will make the readers feel neccesary to read the next bit
make the next chapter a lot better.

good luck
- budding writer
## My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations ##
  





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Mon May 12, 2008 2:59 pm
ashleylee says...



Budding Writer:

Thanks for the review. I know this is kind of boring but this is only one part of the chapter. I made it shorter so it would be easier to read. :wink: I will post the next part of chapter one soon...probably tonight so i'll keep you posted! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  








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