Wake up! Wake up, I splashed water on my face, trying to emerge from the fog that Chad had shrouded me in. Yet my hands still echoed with the thump of his heartbeat, the warmth of his skin. It had happened five minutes ago, yet it felt like five seconds. I sighed deeply, drying my hands off on a towel.
“This isn’t right,” I said to my reflection in the mirror. “We are both male. Our religion shuns gay relationships. How can we do this?”
"And I'm not gay! Am I?" I stared questioningly at my reflection, as if the answer would appear in the tensed arms, the furrowed brow.
Oh, shit…
I was gay after all. I wanted him. I wanted that full mouth to touch mine, to caress my skin. I wanted those eyes blazing with emotion when he looked at me. I wanted to feel his warmth right next to mine in our intimate moments. I wanted my cousin, my cousin…
Control, I told myself. Control.
A light knock snapped me in reality. Chad.
“Come in,” I called out, trying not to let my voice tremble.
The door swung open and Chad stepped in. The door clicked shut behind him.
“Chad,” my hands gripped the counter edge harder.
“I apologize for what happened in there,” he said. “I should have never done that.”
“It’s okay. I contributed to it too, so its not your fault. Well, it is partly my fault since I came over and--but you were the--oh my God!” my stammering only made things worse. I stared at the counter, not wanting to see those understanding eyes.
I felt Chad's arms encircle me, his chin resting on my head, "I wish I could help you, Calix."
“Well, you can—well, actually, no. Can you—just do me one favor.” My voice was hesitant, but my mind was set. This was the only way to truly find out, to confirm what I had uneasily come to.
“What?”
I smiled tentatively at him, “Kiss me,”
He stood there a moment, obviously surprised. Then a slow smile spread across his face as he released me, “Get on the counter.”
I swept my arm across the counter surface, the various bathroom items clattering in a pile in the sink. I clambered up on the countertop, on the right to the sink. Chad approached me, his hips sliding between my knees. Once again, I was lost in his eyes as his face neared mine. My heartbeat begun to race. Then his eyes closed and mine hurriedly followed.
I felt the soft curve of his lips brush mine. The shortest pause followed and then I felt his lips press against mine. His hands slid around my sides, holding me to his naked chest. My arms were around his neck, hands sliding through his shaggy dark strands. The soft movement of our lips made me dizzy, flinging my mind in a primal state. Still, I cautioned myself, trying to take it slow, despite my need to go further…
I broke the kiss, “I can’t—I can’t do this.”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I’m scared,” I told him bluntly. “Scared of what I might do.”
Chad smiled, took off my glasses, “Don’t worry. Don’t think.”
“Just tell me if I’m crossing the line,” I whispered and kissed him again.
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