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Young Writers Society


Bad Girls Need Love Too



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Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:28 pm
OverEasy says...



I promise to explain more about Chase and how he fits into all of this later haha. And I also promise you will hate my mother a lot less by the end of this.

Bad Girls Need Love Too

Chapter 3

Present Day.

I cradled my body with my arms as I waited for the familiar sound of Chase’s Chevy pulling into my driveway. I felt a small smile cross my face as he opened my front door for himself. He found me in the living room where I always was and pulled me into his arms.

I sighed in contentment as we settled down into the couch. He rubbed my belly lightly and kissed the back of my neck. I felt the ring in his lip rub against my sensitive skin and a shiver went through me.

“Mmm, how was work?” I asked.

“Good, how was your day?”

“Ok, I was reminiscing.” I told him as I started to play with his hands.

“Is that a good idea, love?” His voice was so calming to me.

“Maybe it’s good for me to think about stuff.” I nodded my head to confirm. “I think I repress too much stuff.”

He laughed and trailed his tongue across my neck. “No more reminiscing tonight. Time for bed.” He told me as he scooped me into his arms. We headed to my bedroom and snuggled down; flipping on the TV he gathered me into his arms and held me close.

“How are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m ok. Did you know I had an abortion?” I blurted. I never was good at saying things subtly.

He blinked a few times. “No, I didn’t.”

“I was 11. After—you know.” I told him.

“You never told me.” He whispered as he pressed a kiss to my cheek.

“I thought you’d hate me.” I said honestly.

“Why? Because some prick got you pregnant? I could never hate you, baby. Not for something like that.”

I smiled and curled myself further into his body, getting as close to his warmth as I possibly could.

“Thank you.” I whispered.

May 31, 2002

(12 years old)

Two days after my 12th birthday had passed; one day had passed since I had gotten my abortion. I don’t remember much from the procedure, just that I cried a lot. I remember feeling very guilty for killing my own child, even if it had been created by the boogeyman himself. I didn’t get a birthday party that year; I convinced myself my mother had simply forgotten. That she didn’t really hate me.

She still wouldn’t talk to me, or even look at me for that matter. I wanted so badly to talk to her, to tell her what happened. Whenever I tried she shushed me and sent me to bed. She made me promise not to tell anyone, I realized later that it was because I was an embarrassment. She didn’t want anyone to know her precious daughter was a whore, as she so delicately put it.

I hid from my mother and my stepfather in my room, reading every day to keep myself occupied. For months I kept myself hidden from the world, isolating myself from everything I once knew. I quit horseback riding, which had been my favorite pastime. I quit going to church, there was no place for God in my life any longer.

June 19, 2002.

There was once a time when I looked forward to summer time and spending time with my friends. Slowly through the past months they had given up on me though. I shouldn’t have blamed them, but a part of me did. I wanted so badly to pretend that nothing had happened, but every time I looked in the mirror I saw my face covered in dirt.

I started covering myself with make-up, trying to erase the image from my mind. Thick black eye liner coated my eyes, and deep red lipstick was always in place. My clothes turned from happy yellows and pinks to black. So everything about me would match my dark mood. I watched the changes within myself silently, hoping that no one else would mention anything to me about them.

And no one did.

I sat in my room, picking through the worn covers of my small collection of books. I heard a knock on my door and glanced up quickly, dropping the book I held in my hand. My mother stood in my doorway, a stern look across her face. It was almost as if I shrunk in front of her as she stared at me like this. I felt like a small child again, about to be punished.

“I need to talk to you.” She told me. She never called me by my name anymore, I had been renamed ‘you’.

“What is it, mom?” I asked quietly. I thought I might have seen her cringe when I called her that.

“You are going to be staying with your grandmother this summer. Henry and I no longer know what to do with you. Pack your bags, you leave tomorrow.” She told me before closing the door with a loud thud.

I collapsed back onto my bed, silently thankful for being sent away. Maybe grandma could actually look me in the face.
Life is for living.
  





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Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:48 pm
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



Wow that's really harsh..
If that happened to my child I would help her gret threw it not ignor her.
This is very well deatailed and I commend you for having the courage to let others know your story.

Looking forward to chapter 4

FITS
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  





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Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:56 pm
myfreindsavamp says...



*ditto^*And that was sad.*
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet
  





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Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:37 am
day tripper says...



I could understand that writing is the best way to let this out.
I congrate you.
Here for comfort: I love you! d:
I'm looking forward to chapter 4.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 3:15 pm
KJ says...



Hey. Your punctuation needs work again; you use periods instead of commas many times. As to the story - is that really how it happened? The whole blurting out about the abortion? I thought that way too sudden. You guys were just snuggling and then suddenly you're telling him that. Also, did he really react that way? It's great he was so understanding, but wouldn't he need a little more than a few seconds to think it over?

Otherwise, it's a good story. Going to look at more.
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 8:03 pm
Alainna says...



Hey OverEasy.

Another interesting installment.

Two days after my 12th birthday had passed;

You need to change this sentence as it doesn't flow and isn't really grammatically correct. Try: Two days had passed since my twelfth birthday.

one day had passed since I had gotten my abortion.

This sounds a bit bulky and put with the previous sentence it just isn't right. Consider re-phrasing?

I remember feeling very guilty for killing my own child, even if it had been created by the boogeyman himself.

Again, boogeyman just doesn't fit. Also, this is a wasted opportunity for some good emotive writing. Describe the feeling, the horror of the whole thing. I'm sure that an abortion isn't just a walk in the park. Tell the reader the real terror of it.

There was once a time when I looked forward to summer time and spending time with my friends

Whoa, you say 'time' three times in that sentence! Consider re-phrasing?

I think that the blurting out about the abortion was a bit weak. As a writer you need to dramatise everything and show us some emotion. I know I keep saying that - emotion and description - but the reader depends on them greatly to see inside the writers mind.

Keep writing and I look forward to reading the next part.

Alainna
xx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:06 pm
OverEasy says...



I would tell the real terror of it, however, like I said. This really is my story, and I really don't remember much... I'm sorry :)
Life is for living.
  





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Tue Apr 15, 2008 1:20 am
soconfused4512 says...



When you get the next chapter up PLEASE let me know thanks
~OdD~OnE~
  





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Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:17 am
Night Mistress says...



i agree with Fall_into_the Sky.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Sat Apr 19, 2008 1:01 am
JFW1415 says...



I glanced through your comments to see if you had any real ones (again, only one,) and I noticed that you said you can’t remember it all. This is to be expected. It isn’t non-fiction, though – you can lie! So what if the man didn’t have a beard? You can still say it was scratchy against your skin. That way you can slip in details, and not lose the meaning behind the story. (That’s what I did when I wrote about my dad.)

You know the drill… I’m not going to repeat comments (or at least try not to) from the last chapter, so look there and apply that here, too.

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Highlighted Comments

1. I’d ditch this; don’t start every sentence the same.
2. Expand, please.
3. I love this, but not the placement. Maybe: ‘”I’m okay.” I [did something.] “Did you know…”’ That way it gives us a tiny break…Get it?
4. I’d ditch this and show us how there was a moment when no one spoke. It would seem more realistic.
5. Show us!
6. I’d ditch this.
7. Suggestion: ‘Two days after my twelfth birthday and one day after my abortion found me [whatever she was doing.]’ This one is tricky with the tenses.
8. Show us that the days passed in a haze – don’t tell us.
9. Show us how this feels!
10. Suggestion: ‘…wouldn’t even look at me.’ It gives your sentences more of a variety, because the next one is very similar.
11. Combine.
12. Separate.
13. Expand. What’s it feel like in there?
14. Ah! Me too! How could you ever quit? I’d simply die. I really believe I would have offend myself a long time ago if I couldn’t escape everything by going to the barn, working there, riding, etc. [/personal bit]
15. I’m getting used to these. Maybe put it as this instead: [6/19/02] or [June 19, 2002]
16. You switched tenses…’In the course of just a few months they given up on me.’
17. I feel this is missing a word… Maybe ‘I knew I shouldn’t…?’
18. Did they know? Did anyone know? Maybe explain that a bit? (Hint at it; don’t tell us.)
19. Suggestion: ‘Everything about me soon matched my dark mood.’
20. Ditch the ‘and.’
21. Suggestion: go to a new flashback here, or go back to the present and then have this. It doesn’t flow well with the last line.
22. Yay! Now do this throughout your novel, and use a few more of the senses. ;P
23. You have a bad habit of adding tags when they take away from the story. ;P Ditch this. You only need: ‘She turned on her heel and closed the door behind her with a loud thud that echoed in my ears long after she had left.’ (Well, I kind of expanded it, but you know what I mean.)
24. Show us this relief.

Overall Comments

Much better than the first two. I had more of a visual, although you do need to work on it a bit more. I’m not sure if you just aren’t used to doing this, or if it’s simply because this is such a tender subject, but either way, READ. But not for fun – watch how they slip in descriptions. Read many authors, and incorporate their style into yours.

Oh, one more thing. How much did the boyfriend know? If he didn't know about the rape, his reaction seems too calm. At least have him tense, be quiet for a moment, etc. Again, descriptions will help.

Final note: why is the mother so awful? Is there a hidden reason? Right now, she seems fake. I'd love it if she maybe was raped as a kid, and this was the reaction her mother gave - something like that. (I'd be happy for the plot, not for her!) But if you do have that in it, slip it in now and then expose the entire thing towards the end. I don't know what happened, so I can't help you too much, but make her more realistic.

Personal Comment

Hate your parents, love your boyfriend. ;P Why do I have the sinking suspicion that something bad will happen with him? O.o

I don’t see how you can trust him. I didn’t even go through rape, and I can’t even hug my family. I don’t trust people enough – I don’t see how I’ll ever get that comfortable with a boy. O.o

*Hugs*

Planning on showing your mom and Henry this when you're through? And is it all right between you guys now?

PM me for the usual: questions, boredom, depression, hyperness, more critiques, etc.

~JFW1415
  








Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana