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Metallic Crystal Alliance ( Chapter 4 & 5)



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Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:43 pm
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



4

The next day the house was vacant except for Dallas and Sophitia. Dallas awoke to sobs above. He dressed and pulled the ladder down. Climbing it he could hear louder and more frequently cries from the attic. Something was wrong. Sophitia was in pain. He didn’t like that. Dallas slowly pried open the door. When he lifted himself onto the attic floor Sophitia was no where in sight. He lit a match and looked around the room. There she was curled up in a corner. She rocked back and forth sobbing pitifully. Her wrist was bruised. She had been biting it again. It was a nervous habit of hers.


Dallas slowly approached her. He laid a hand on her shoulder. She slashed out at him. Claws extended they sliced threw his hair, barely missing his eyes.

“Thanks for the hair cut,” he laughed.

She turned around angrily and tried to smack him. He caught her arm and pulled her into and embrace. She let him pull her to the floor, and they stayed there and just hugged. The warmth of him calmed Sophitia. She told him everything. He resented his mother. Dallas didn’t have much compassion for her. He hated her at that moment. A plan was boiling. Dallas would take her away from this place. She wouldn’t go to that retched laboratory! Sophitia would be his forever. She was the only true friend he had. He couldn’t loose her.



They would leave Friday night, the day of his graduation. Sophitia and he would live off of his trust fund. Friday morning he would extract it from the bank, and they would go. Dallas awoke the next day and hurried to school. His silver gown tripped him every few steps. Sophitia watched from the window smiling. She knew tonight she would see the world. The servant girl would now live out the adventure in the fairytales. Little did she know that wouldn’t happen. Dallas ran up the stairs to his home. He threw some clothes into a travel bag and went to wake Sophitia.




5







Dallas threw open the attic door.
“Sophitia come one were leaving”. But she wasn’t there. He called again incase she was hiding. She was nowhere. He called one last time.

You could hear the fear in his voice” Sophitia!”


She didn’t answer. He slid down the ladder. Dallas ran to his mother’s bedroom. He was furious. He rammed her door with his fist. When she didn’t answer he broke the door down.


“Mother where is he! Where is Sophitia?”

“She’s gone. I sold her.” Tears rolled down his face.


“How could you?”


“What do you care? She was just a piece of trash…. a piece of trash that needed disposing of.”


“A piece of trash! A piece of trash!” Dallas raised his hand in rage. He clenched his fist and shoved it in his mother’s face.


“You are the piece of trash mother! You are what need disposing of. You are the vilest thing on this earth. Go rot in hell for all I care!”


Magda just laid there. Horror stricken she was lost for words. Dallas ran out of the house grabbing his bag on the way. He ran screaming his friend’s name. After running for what seemed like hours he collapsed. He collapsed against a wall and just cried. Dallas yelled Sophitia’s name until he could no longer speak. Throat scarred and heart broken he crawled into a sewage pipe and slept.



Sophitia awoke to an icy cage and a death filled room. She could see the other animals. Some dead, some diseased, most cried out in pain. What was this place? Where was Dallas? He promised. He promised her that he would free her. Dallas lied. He must have. Why did he lie? She thought he cared for her. She thought he was her friend. Sophitia cried out herself. She cried for the pains of her life, and for the pain to come. A needle pricked her spine. As she fell against the bars she could make out a figure. A man stood in front of the cage and wide evil grin across his lips. Her world blacked out and she fell to the cold metal floor.
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 55
Mon Apr 07, 2008 7:31 pm
Heatherish says...



Back again.

Something I noticed especially in Chapter 4, was that almost every sentence starts with "He" or "She". After a while it gets redundant. You should see if you can go back and maybe rearrange the sentence to put another word first, or just change the sentence all together.

Another problem is that again, especially in Chapter 4, most of the sentences were fragment sentences. The use of fragment sentences can work at times, but not for whole paragraphs or chapters.

That is more or less all I noticed except that both chapters were very short and I wasn't sure why.

Again, good luck and write more soon!
Favorite Quote (at the moment):
"cuz' I'd rather wast my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute"
  





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108 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 108
Wed Apr 09, 2008 5:18 pm
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



Thanks for the critique.
This is somthing I put together for my friend Alex. ( an anime story).
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  








Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman