Young Writers Society

Okay, this is chapter 2 and it follows Dylan's perspective now:

As Dylan left for Algebra, his soul seemed to feel lighter than it had all morning. When he arrived in Ms. Willowash's room, it seemed a more blissful, happy atmosphere than it had ever felt like, even on the last day of seventh grade it hadn't been this seemingly happy! He didn't even mind when he had to sit next to the worst kid in the whole grade, Joe Fink.

Joe was fat, stupid, ugly and all around obnoxious. His 'friends' hated him, his teacher hated him and even his parents hated him! Ms. Willowash asked them spend most of the time to talk to their neighbors and ask about their summer and the whole time Joe was screaming at Dylan to tell him about his summer because all Dylan could respond with was "It was okay, I guess." when he had actually had one of the best summers ever.

Finally, Joe realized that Dylan wasn't going to talk much, he made Dylan ask about his summer. Joe babbled on about how much fun it was to visit his Great-Aunt Sally's farm and milk the goats and whatever else while Dylan, of course, ignored every word and was too busy staring into oblivion and day-dreaming. When Joe saw that either way Dylan wasn't paying attention, he sat there and pouted. At the end of class Joe was so bored he had succumbed to tears, which didn't take much and happened so frequently that the teacher just patted him on the back and told him it was okay before sending them out.

And it was the same in Geography, only this time Dylan sat next to Tara, his ex-girlfriend, who was determined to tell him that he would regret ever thinking of breaking up with her every time she saw him.

He just stared blankly ahead, not even realizing that Tara had sat next to him and was angrily 'telling him off'. When she saw that he wasn't listening, she got angrier and louder. Then, when she couldn't get a single word out of him, she growled at him and gloweredin her chair, all the while making faces at him that might as well have been invisible. For once, someone had actually shut Tara Huntsley up! She had seriously never stopped talking for the first time in her life since she could squeal as a baby! No one had ever done that; not even her parents had been able to do that!

At last the bell rang and Dylan sprang up out of his chair for lunch so fast that it brought the desk down with it. But he didn't care and he bolted out of class before anyone had even gotten their books together. He ran so fast he accidently ran into someone that was also hurrying out of thier class on the way to his locker, sending them both flying backwards.

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" "It's my fault really. I was in to much of a hurry to get to lunch." they both said as they gathered up the randomly scattered books and papers strewn across the hall. He looked up to give the person their papers and books and looked into Alicia's shocked face. "Oh, hey! I was just going to meet you for lunch," Dylan said smiling and handing her her books. "So was I!", Alicia giggled. "So, I guess I'll meet you for lunch. You can sit with us," Dylan said. Alicia smiled and nodded "Okay."

Dylan quickly crammed his books in his locker and sprinted down the hal to the cafeteria with his lunch money jingling merrily in his pocket. When he got there he was the third person in line for lunch. Fortunately, since it was the first day of school, the cafeteria was serving pizza and he was one of the first people in line so he didn't have to deal with lunch rush.

As he grabbed food he scanned the doors for his friends or Alicia but only a few kids trickled in and they weren't either of these people. Dismayed, Dylan wearily snatched up his tray and sat down at a table. Then, all of a sudden the doors flew open and the lunch rush rolled in. Kids pushed and shoved over the spots in line and acted like they'd die if they didn't get that spot.

Then, as his group of friends shuffled through the choas to sit down at their table, Dylan saw Alicia shift through the hungry crowd with her tray and search for him. He jumped up on his chair, waved his arms and yelled over the buzz of the crowd, "Hey Alicia! Over here!" She spotted him, smiled and rushed over to sit with them.

"Who's she?" Mark whispered to Dylan. "She's my friend Alicia. She's new here and I met her in Homeroom." She scooted in beside Dylan. Dylan introduced her. "This is Tom, Mark, Anthony, John and Rick." They greeted her warmly but she was so overwhelmed by shyness that she didn't talk at all during lunch but just ate and watched Dylan chat away with his friends.

Dylan thought it was a great lunch and that they both had fun because, although she didn't talk during the period she would laugh and smile with everyone else. But when it was the end of lunch she muttered a hasty, " 'Bye." and left without another word, leaving them all there baffled.



I know it's longer then the first chapter but it was worth the writer's cramp ;D. I need comments on this so please comment!

Hi

As Dylan left for Algebra, his soul seemed to feel lighter than it had all morning. When he arrived in Ms. Willowash's room, it seemed a more blissful, happy atmosphere than it had ever felt like, even on the last day of seventh grade it hadn't been this seemingly happy! .

Okay, I think this is a little much. Words like 'soul' and expressions like 'more than ever' are big and here they sound cliché. After all Dylan is in eigth grade and has just met Alicia, so I'd try using more simple expressions. Sometimes less is more and think in this case... you get the message.

Ms. Willowash asked them[to?] spend most of the time to talk to their neighbors and ask about their summer

When he talks to Tara I'd put more detail into how she tells him off.
'nother Suggestion would be

because all Dylan could respond with was "It was okay, I guess." when he had actually had one of the best summers ever.

Who had had the best summer ever? Dylan? If yes, then you should replace the word could. But I think I might have gotten this wrong.

Finally, Joe realized that Dylan wasn't going to talk much, he made Dylan ask about his summer.

How did he do that? I think it's okay that you describe things here rather than putting them into dialog, but I think describing things a little more detailed wouldn't hurt. How does Dylan feel? What does he think?
The reader does get to share a few of his opinions since you're kind of writing from his perspective, but I'd really be interested in knowing some of his actual thoughts.

Joe babbled on about how much fun it was to visit his Great-Aunt Sally's farm and milk the goats and whatever else while Dylan, of course, ignored every word and was too busy staring into oblivion and day-dreaming.

I'd keep this part more simple. Since Dylan isn't listening to a single waord Joe says he probably doesn't know he milked goats and I think maybe either daydreaming or staring into oblivion alone is enough.

[s]And it was the[/s] Same in Geography[s],[/s]. Only this time Dylan sat next to Tara, his ex-girlfriend, who was determined to tell him that he would regret everthinking of breaking up with her every time she saw him.

This sentence is a little wordy, don't you think? I changed it a little. Just a suggestion, of course. I might also reword the last part. Make it more specific and stronger. The way it's now it is very vague.

I absolutely loooove the scene where they both are so eager to meet eachother for lunch and then crash into eachother. Awsome idea!!

When he got there he was the third person in line for lunch.

You say, that he's one of the first one's in line n another place also, so why not scratch this sentece and squish the 'when he got there' in some other place?

She scooted in beside Dylan. Dylan introduced her.

Maybe change one of the 'Dylan's to a 'he'?

Wow, I edited quite a lot... Still it's mainly peanuts, so that's not a bad thing. In places (as pointed out) I think you should make things less vague, but other than that I really liked this!
Tell me when you post chapter three, I'll be happy to crit

Keep it up!
~Kalliope

Joe was fat, stupid, ugly and all around obnoxious. His 'friends' hated him, his teacher hated him and even his parents hated him!

Bad case of character bashing. A writer should not put down their characters too much especially when the story is told by an all- knowing narrator. The narrator is a reliable and neutral source. No opinons when writing in this style.

That is all my complaints. This was good anyway. Keep writing and revising

still hooked keep it up!!!

Hello again! Kallipoe pretty much pointed out all the mistakes I noticed.

You said that this was Dylan's perspective. But I don't think you showed us enough through his perspective. I mean you pretty much
TOLD us everything. Basically, I think you need to tone down the info dump and put more dialog.

Hey. This was also pretty decent. The only thing I didn't really like was when his ex shut up and you made it such a big deal that she had, because no one had ever been able to accomplish such a feat. Did he even DO anything to make her shut up?

Otherwise, interesting. You have some good character development.

Seeing as last time I overwhelmed you with edits, I'll just go with a different kind of critique this time.

Characters:
Dylan: I guess this part is supposed to be from his point of view, so I'll start with him. Last time, when it was from Alicia's prospecitive, you at least went into her mind a little bit, where-as this time it was entirely like watching a really boring movie. I don't mean it was boring in iteself, I mean like, have you ever watched a movie, and felt so on the outside of it that you couldn't connect at all? Well, that's what this felt like to me. Like I was looking down at Dylan and everybody else, not feeling a thing.

Joe: I would suggest not flat out dissing your own characters in the future. Through Dylan you can express your dislike of him, because that's what characters are for, expression the feelings of the story so that the narrator doesn't just info dump for hours and hours on end. Joe seemed really annoying, and honestly, unbelieveable. It would be more likely for him to be a bully type, or a little less mopey, or anything like that and be less liked than a crybaby who nobody cares about. That's not disliking him, that's just cruel.

The 'Ex': Again, like Joe, there was no interaction what-so-ever, and I know there wasn't supposed to be, but there are ways to have your character ignore somebody and still have that person in the picture at the same time without leaving one of them out. This is from Dylan's point of view, so say something from him, what's he thinking, what's he daydreaming? Is he happy that he shut her up? Or does he not really care either way? Give us something to go off of.

Alicia: In the last chapter, one of my favorite parts of the story was that you set us up with a good character, Alicia. Somebody people could connect to. What dissapointed me here was just how little of here was there. I didn't connect because she did absolutly nothing. Don't ignore your characters, it makes them sad, and harder to connect to. Develop them with small details, glances back and forth between Dylan and her, or thoughts, emotions, anything would be better at this point than the empty shell of people that seem to be inhabiting your world at the moment.

Plot:
I can see where you're trying to go, but it's just not working. This chapter was empty and almost pointless, as we, the readers got nothing from Dylan, nothing from Alicia, and annoyed by the sub-characters. What makes Dylan like Alicia? If you're going to write about love, have love, if you're going to write about frienship, have friends. What you have is you're writing about nothing, and you have nothing. No offense, I'm trying to be honest because I think that with the proper fixings, this could be really good.
Make this chapter go somewhere. Don't be afraid to add dialogue between Dylan and Joe, Ex, or Alicia. In the scene at lunch, show some interaction between the friends, and maybe have Alicia looking shyly, or laughing, or fitting in. Have Dylan watch Alicia and realize some feelings. Don't be afraid of length, okay, some of the best stories in the world were long, and holding back never got anybody anywhere.

Recomended Reading:
Flipped by Wedelin Van Draanen

It's a lot like your story, and goes between the POV's of a boy and a girl.
Two distinct, thoroughly likable voices emerge in Van Draanen's (the Sammy Keyes series) enticing story, relayed alternately by eighth graders Bryce and Juli. When Juli moved in across the street from Bryce, just before second grade, he found the feisty, friendly girl overwhelming and off-putting, and tried to distance himself from her but then eighth grade rolls around. Within the framework of their complex, intermittently antagonistic and affectionate rapport, the author shapes insightful portraits of their dissimilar families. Among the most affecting supporting characters are Bryce's grandfather, who helps Juli spruce up her family's eyesore of a yard after Bryce makes an unkind remark about the property, and Juli's father, a deep-feeling artist who tries to explain to his daughter how a painting becomes more than the sum of its parts. Juli finally understands this notion after she discovers the exhilaration of sitting high in a beloved tree in her neighborhood ("The view from my sycamore was more than rooftops and clouds and wind and colors combined"). Although the relationship between Bryce's grandfather and his own family remains a bit sketchy, his growing bond with Juli is credibly and poignantly developed. A couple of coincidences are a bit convenient, but Van Draanen succeeds in presenting two entirely authentic perspectives on the same incidents without becoming repetitious. With a charismatic leading lady kids will flip over, a compelling dynamic between the two narrators and a resonant ending (including a clever double entendre on the title), this novel is a great deal larger than the sum of its parts.

Good Luck continuing, and I hope that I was of some help =D

-JC