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tempest #1



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Sat Apr 05, 2008 2:25 am
lerieal says...



This is the first story i've written in a really long time so.... it's probley not that great. Feel free to tell me what ever you think! :D
*****

Michel pulled his 2004 Volvo up to join the line of cars that was forming on the street. He could already hear the music, the thrumming of the band that Chris likes so much.

Michel opened his car and stepped out onto the street and into the dark. He could hear the laughter and voices of people inside the house. He sighed to himself, how long would it be before the police showed up, saying that the party was disturbing the neighborhood? Probley not long.

Chris and him had been friends since middle school but he still couldn’t understand why he loved to throw these wild party’s every time it was his birthday. Usually Chris ended up so drunk that he didn’t even remember anything.

Michel was at the door now, he could feel the vibrations of the music slightly shaking the house, the base must have been turned all the way to the limit.

Michel opened the door and was hit with the full impact. People were everywhere, the music was definitely as loud as it could go, and by the smell he could tell the alcohol was already out.

It didn’t take him long to find Chris, he was in the center of a group sipping on a corona. Michel inwardly groaned, he could already tell that Chris was half way gone, by 11:00 he would be completely drunk.

“Michel, my man come on over here dude.” Chris yelled out slightly slurring his words. “What took you so long?”

“I had better things to do then arrive here early and get drunk off my ass with the rest of you.” Michel yelled back, trying to be herd over the music.

Chris laugh, “you have no idea what your missing out on buddy, but then again I guess you have more important things to worry about, right?” He asked with a sly, crooked smile.

Michel glared at him and swung around, heading off to a different part of the house. He could hear Chris’s laugh behind him as he walked away.

For probley the millionth time Michel wondered why in the world he had told Chris that he liked his sister. At the time it seemed perfect, Chris was his best friend and Becky was Chris’s sister. Chris could just drop a good word for him here and there right? Wrong!! As far a Michel could tell Chris never said anything about him to Becky, all he did was constantly tease him about it.

Michel maneuvered his way through the crowd of people, picking up a Budweiser as he went. He was NOT going to get drunk, but one drink wouldn’t hurt. He needed something to cool him down, it was practically a oven in the house with everyone packed in so tight that you could hardly move

He squeezed his 6’2” self around a group of girls trying not to bump into anyone.
He thought he had succeeded when he felt something run into him. He looked down, and felt a jerk of surprise. Becky was on the ground quickly getting up, laughing a she did so.

“Hey Michel, sorry about that I didn’t see you there.”

Michel tried to shake off the surprise of suddenly seeing her. He could feel his face smiling; there was just something about Becky’s smile that made him feel wonderful every time he saw it. “Hey Becky, what are you apologizing for, I knocked you over, are you ok?”

She was laughing again, “Yeah, I’m fine, this place is way too crowed, I think half the people here weren’t even invited.”

“That’s how Chris’s parties usually go ¼ friends and the rest complete strangers.” Michel answered, though he wasn’t really paying attention to what he said, he was too busy just looking at her.

She was beautiful.

Her creamy skins, and bright blue eyes, all framed by dark brown hair. She looked like an angel standing there smiling up at him.

His focus was suddenly jerked back to what she was saying, “Well I guess I’ll see you around,” She flashed him another one of those angelic smiles and then was walking away, mixing in with the crowed so that his eyes lost her.

His heart sank, what was he supposed to do? Did she view him like another big brother? He was afraid to ask, afraid that the angel would refuse him.

Michel sighed, he wasn’t in the mood for a party, he was going home.
  





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Mon Apr 07, 2008 1:18 pm
Alainna says...



Hiya! This was good, it shows that it could lead somewhere and I like your style. However there were several spelling mistakes so I suggest you use a spell checker before posting next time.

Probley not long.

Probley should be Probably. You do this several times through the piece so try to fix that.

Chris and him had been friends since middle school but he still couldn’t understand why he loved to throw these wild party’s every time it was his birthday.

'Chris and him' isn't the best grammar in the world. I think you could maybe break this sentence up, change it around and just generally fix it up a bit.

Michel yelled back, trying to be herd over the music.

Unless Michel is part of a herd of sheep, that should be 'heard'.

Wrong!!

Very teenager-ish. Very informal. Perhaps turn this single word into a more fitting sentence?

As far a Michel could tell Chris never said anything about him to Becky, all he did was constantly tease him about it.

Should be 'As far as'. Semi colon might work better after 'Becky' instead of a comma.

down, it was practically a oven in the house with everyone packed in so tight that you could hardly move

Disappearing full stop. Also, it should be 'an oven'.

laughing a she did so.

Should be 'laughing as she did so.'

Michel tried to shake off the surprise of suddenly seeing her.

An excellent opportunity here to really show the love Michel has for Becky. Imagine if the person you fancied bumped into you. You'd be tingling from where they touched you, you'd be spluttering and embarrassed. Try to elaborate here.

That’s how Chris’s parties usually go ¼ friends and the rest complete strangers.”

1/4 should be in words and remember to put a comma at the end instead of a full stop because it is spoken.

Her creamy skins

Plural? She has more than one skin??? Only kidding, just knock off the s.

Your writing reminds me of my own. You have good sentence variety and dramatic effect. Just try to put in more emotion and fix some of the silly grammar mistakes that drag the piece down.

Keep it up and I'll be happy to look at more if you do post any.

All the best,
Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

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Mon Apr 07, 2008 5:33 pm
Heidigirl666 says...



There are several points where you write in numbers instead of words; watch out for this.

I would also say loose saying what year the car is, and exactly how tall he is. :wink: Adds nothing to the description and is totally unnecessary.

He could already hear the music, the thrumming of the band that Chris likes so much.


Watch your tenses! You suddenly go into present tense here. It should be 'the band that Chris liked so much.' :wink:

He could hear the laughter and voices of people inside the house.


Maybe just 'people inside the house', instead of 'voices of people'. Or just 'voices'. After all, either is pretty self explanatory. Both doesn't sound right.

There are a few places where a semi-colon would be more appropriate than a comma, but if you're not comfortable using them, try just putting a full stop and beginning a new sentence. For example, like it is here:

Michel was at the door now, he could feel the vibrations of the music slightly shaking the house, the base must have been turned all the way to the limit.


I'd say semi-colon for the first comma, and full stop for the second and then a new sentence. I'd also get rid of 'slightly' as well. 'Shaking' is just fine on it's own.

'Corona' has a capital letter as it's a brand. :wink:

Take a look at the post that's somewhere on dialogue grammar for some help on your speech tags.

But I agree, you have a good sentence variety (which surprisingly not a lot of people can do) and it's a good start! :)
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor
  








There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
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