Young Writers Society

Moonlight Seagull
Chapter 5
No no Romeo

After school had ended Griffin offered to walk me home. I accepted and we began down the street in complete silence.

Once we got to my house I had smiled one last time, “Thank you for all your help”

“No problem” He breathed, “Just don’t do it again!” He laughed.

Walked towards my door, but then turned back around. His face was inches away from mine Was this it? The day I kissed a boy? I pushed up against the door.

“B-WO!” I screamed as the door opened from behind me and I fell in backwards.

Griffins eyes bugged out at me and his arms shot out to catch me. But it was to late. Most of my weight was going towards the ground now and his just added to the impact. I grunted as we landed with a loud thud. My head cracked on the hard tile floor and his came down as well. Except right onto my face. Our lips met and melted into each other. My eyes widened and I looked up at the figure above me in the doorway. My heart must have skipped a beat. It was my father. I pulled away from Griffin and squirmed beneath his weight.

“What is the meaning of this!” My father boomed

Oh snap. Look what you have done now Sam
Griffin quickly leapt off of my and stumbled over my feat. I yelped and watched in horror as he sped out of the door. How dare he leave me in this… alone I snarled and rose to my feet, only to come face to face with my fuming father.

“Why where you lying on the ground with a boy!” He snarled

“I… I fell over”

“And he fell on top of you!?”

“Yes…”

“Go to your room missy. You are grounded.” He pointed up the stairs.

Perfect… I sighed and stomped up the stairs. Once I reached the top I stormed into my room and slammed the door shut. I continued to run and leaped onto by bed, and began to cry.

O.o Wow. Angry father! lol Poor Sam.

One thing- exactly how old are these kids? I think you mentioned in an earlier chapter Sam was 13, but the way things are going...they should probably be in high school. ^^; However, it's your story, so go ahead and keep writing!

Gwenevire wrote:After school had ended, Griffin offered to walk me home.

Gwenevire wrote:Once we got to my house, I [s]had[/s] smiled one last time.

Gwenevire wrote:No problem," he breathed, "just don't do it again!"

Gwenevire wrote:I walked towards the door, then turned back around.

What made her turn around? Did she want to say something to Griffin? Did she hear him following her and wonder why he was? Just something to think about.

Gwenevire wrote:I was [s]pushed up[/s] trapped against the door.

[s]“B-WO!”[/s] Suddenly I screamed as the door opened from behind me and I fell inside [s]backwards[/s].

Gwenevire wrote:Griffin's eyes bugged out at me and his arms shot out to catch me. But it was too late.

The underlined sentence is a bit...odd. I understand where you're trying to go, but I don't think it's working.

Gwenevire wrote:My eyes widened a[s]nd[/s]s I looked up at the figure above me in the doorway. My heart [s]must have[/s] skipped a beat--it was my father. I tried to pull[s]ed[/s] away from Griffin, [s]and[/s] squirm[s]ed[/s]ing beneath his weight.

“What is the meaning of this?” My father boomed.

Oh snap. Look what you have done now, Sam.
Griffin quickly leapt off [s]of[/s] me, [s]and[/s] stumbling over my feet. I yelped and watched in horror as he sped [s]out of the door[/s] away down the street. How dare he leave me in this… alone. I snarled and rose to my feet, only to come face to face with my fuming father.

“Why w[s]h[/s]ere you lying on the ground with a boy?” He snarled.

I… I fell over.”

Aaaaaaand...that's it! Good job. There's definitely been lots of improvement, but you're still missing some punctuation and sometimes you forget or mix up words/have typos. Keep going, it's looking really good!

Ouch! A not too happy father. I wonder what will happen next?

Harsh review comin' right up!

I have to say that I'm a little disappointed, ning. What started of as a very fun and promising story...well, you get the point.

As Gladius has already pointed out your grammatical errors, I'll just give you my general opinions and such. *read on at you own risk*

I think you're rushing through this in your haste to record your own personal fantasies, and that's not good. Slow down a little. Breathe. Because at the moment, the quality of your writing is rather meek.
Not to say that you haven't got it in you to write a great story, though. You do have it in you. You just need to set it free.

The first thing I noticed is that your level of description has dropped startlingly low. In the first chapters, it was good; a little below your usual standard, but still enough to give me a clear mental image. And now, in this chapter, there isn't a single simile. I think there's only one metaphor.
I know that some people prefer to write sparingly, with little imagery. But this pales dramatically in contrast to your other pieces - such as 'Vengeance is beautiful' - which are vivid and engaging. This is just words on paper. Nothing special.

What you should do to remedy this:
(I'll use some examples from the chapter.)

After school had ended Griffin offered to walk me home. I accepted and we began down the street in complete silence.

When I read this, I was immediately dissatisfied. Give the reader a short, subtle description of the street; describe how uneasy Sam felt, and/or how she noticed everything about Griffin. Describe the silence. Tell us how Sam feels, because if you don't, the reader doesn't care about her.

Once we got to my house I had smiled one last time, “Thank you for all your help”

Why don't you include for emotion in this? Wouldn't you be nervous about what a boy thinks of your house? Shouldn't Sam be thinking things like, 'I wonder if he live in a nicer house?'. You know? Because we don't even know what her house looks like.

Our lips met and melted into each other.

How did Sam feel about this? Show us her emotions, and describe how Griffin looked to her during their...kiss. *barfs*


I've also noticed that this is meandering steadily off he path of originality towards that of clichéd love stories. At the moment it's at the crossroads between those two paths - the next chapter could be enough to tip it one way or the other. Choose well, my friend.
Why is it cliché, you might ask? Simply because I can anticipate exactly what is going to happen next. It was obvious from the beginning that Griffin liked Sam - things are going great for her. It would be much more interesting if they had a fight, or something of the sort; if not within the next few chapters than at least at some point in the book, simply because I really don't want to read a book about their [Sam and Griffin's] happy, carefree relationship. There needs to be some trouble, or else this is already doomed.
It's also cliché because of course her dad would catch them, and of course he would be upset. Whether you realized this as you wrote or not, that part lacked originality.


In general, there's lots of room for improvement. I know you can do better. Just take more time in writing it and think about what you've written before posting. Don't rush the story.

Sorry for the harshness, ning. ^_~ But I had to let you know, because it pains me to see you slipping down from your usual standard. Which is quite good, actually.

Don't give up, and don't let me criticism bring you down! Just fix this up a little.

Hope this helped,
Camille

Thanks. I am going to take out this chapter and re write it. It was rushed and I think I had had a bad day... If you catch my drift!
I have actually decided that this will be my book... The Gwenevire book.
I have the plot all set up and I am going to plunge into it tonight. (all nighter)
I am really thankful for your reviews. They are harsh but they smack me back into my senses!
I will have this chapter up by tomorrow. Edited!

Love ya,
Genevieve

oo more more i love romance novels

Aww no more?


At least, I can't seem to find it.. hm....


I love it so far, though