Bob called everyone back to the set with an aggravated tone. The tears that still lingered behind my eyes were trying to force themselves out. When it was time for me to glance at Westley I couldn't do it. Pain stabbed my heart every time I made an attempt to look at him. To see him smiling. Smiling a smile that was so rehearsed that at first it almost felt real, as if it were intended for me instead of Christina.
When he made his way over towards me I thought I was going to crumble
but I stood my ground. Then his minty breath caressed my nose, making a tear fall from my eyes. I was going to miss that smell.
The tear ran away from it's family, happy to escape from it's prison behind my left eye. I thought that was the last drop of sorrow my soul contained but then the storm came. Heavier and stronger. It was a war between my composure and my feelings. I fought to stand strong, to act as if I were alright, but my feelings made me weaker.
Sobs escaped from my mouth as the tears ran free. Bob yelled cut at the cameraman as I broke free from Leo's sweet minty breath. I ran into the lobby and sat on the soft burgundy couch. The tears became heavier and the sobs grew deeper. My heart was broken.
Judy, one of the make-up artist, came to see me twenty minutes later. She caked more make-up on my face then I had before. I was pushed back into the spotlight once more and I was forced to surrender my soul to the sweet breath of pain.
When it was time to go home, everybody on set quickly left to get their things. Groups of extras formed by the snack bars and a couple of actors went to their dressing rooms. As I made my way back to the lobby, I could hear soft footsteps behind me.
I turned around to find the usually angered face staring at me sympathetically. His dark brown eyes bore into my soul, like bullets. Hard and penetrative.
"Francesca I know you've been through a lot these past couple of months...the death of your mother...which I truly am sorry for...but you need to get in to character. I don't want to have to find you a replacement." Bob said softly.
"Yeah...I'm fine...I promise I'll get it together. I won't let you down Bob." I replied with a half-smile.
Bob nodded his head slowly and walked away.
I'm gonna let him down.
After waiting in the lobby for half an hour, I started to get frustrated. My father was never this late coming to pick me up. I closed my eyes and tried to think of positive things because I didn't want my father to see me cry. He would manipulate me into telling him what was wrong and I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to tell him that Leo did this to me.
Finally he came. He had a huge grin on his face that shone brighter than the sun. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and led me out the studio towards the car. When we were settled in the car, his smile continued to look at me.
The pain was already starting to come back.
"So tell me about this movie. Is it what you kids these days call "hip?" my dad asked, a smile in his voice.
I opened my window a crack, hoping it would ward off the coming tears. The smells of New York caressed my nose, making the pain worse. In the mist of all the smells I could smell him.
To disguise my pain, I tried laughing at my father's question but I couldn't bring myself to smile. Even the laugh itself seemed like an act, fake and rehearsed.
I looked up at my father. The smile I heard in his voice wasn't there anymore.
Suddenly he looked at me with dark, firm eyes. He could see that behind the laughter, the angel of pain waited.
My soul was filled with so much hate and confusion. Everything around me seemed dark and dead. My drop of sun has left me.
"Fran, what is wrong?" my dad asked concernedly.
"Dad, I don't want to talk about it." I replied, turning away.
"If its about me being late, I'm sorry. I was there earlier but the lady at the front desk said I had to..." my dad started, eyebrows pulling up.
"No dad...its not that. I'm fine." I interrupted hoarsely.
"Fran?" my dad asked concernedly.
I ignored my father's persistence and closed my eyes. Now I was afraid to let my tears fall.
"Dad I'm fine...just let it go." I replied fighting back the heavy tears.
I turned towards my dad, with a fake smile in my eyes. He smiled at me brightly and then switched his eyes back to the road.
The cool air stung my eyes as I stared at the rainbow of colors we zipped by. I wanted so much to pour all my troubles on my dad. He'd certainly have something to say that would mend my heart. He always did. But he did not know of my secret love and he could never know.
"I was planning to surprise you with dinner and a movie tonight...but you seem busy...with whatever...is on your mind." my dad teased.
I laughed at his innocence and forced a smile through the unwept tears.
"Well maybe another night?" my dad asked.
"Sure." I replied dryly.
"Did something happen?" Dad asked softly.
"No." I lied.
My dad saw through my lie, and pulled to a stop behind a green Volvo that was parked in front of a Starbucks. Through the corner of my eye I could tell he was staring at me. His forehead creased and his eyes filled with worry. I could feel his hand on the back of my head, stroking my hair softly.
I wanted to tell my dad that I was okay so that he'd drive me to my suite, where I could wallow in my pain, alone, but the fought back tears became stronger, breaking oven the fortress in my eyes.
The hot salty tears fell quickly down my face, attuned to the sound of my heart slowly drowning in the dark abyss of my pain. My dad shrugged out of his seatbelt and wrapped his arms around me.
"We are going to get through this together, okay?" my dad whispered softly.
I nodded my head slowly, thankful that my dad thought the sudden storm was for some other reason. After about five minutes, I pulled myself away from my dad's embrace and forced a smile to shine through my stormy clouds.
"Sorry about your shirt." I laughed softly, pain still lining my voice.
"Oh it'll dry by time I get back to the office." my dad said, smiling.
I smiled back at my dad and then turned to stare out my window.
"Are you sure you don't want to come out with me to dinner tonight? Please Fran, I want to introduce you to some friends." my dad asked eagerly.
"Dad...I don't think..." I started warily.
"I already told them you were coming. Come on, Fran, you'll have a great time. These are really nice people." my dad begged.
I let out a deep sigh and turned to face my dad. His lower lip was jutted out and his eyes were big and pleading. I laughed softly and nodded my head slowly.
"You're going to love Madison, she's about two years younger than you but she is a huge a fan of yours..." my dad started, smile caressing his voice.
Suddenly there was a knock on my window that made me jump. I turned to find that a man with a t-shirt and baggy jeans was looking through my window, camera in hand. Surprise flitted across my face and anger boiled under my skin. I thought about yelling a stream of profanities at the paparazzo but he quickly took his picture and escaped.
"Will this be a secluded dinner, because I hate the paparazzi?" I asked, acidly.
"You lived in New York for almost eight months now, aren't you used to all that?" my dad asked, chuckling.
"You never get used to this." I murmured angrily.
"Well I better get you home. I'll be back around eight to come pick you up, which leaves you with about a good hour and thirty minutes to get ready." my dad said, turning the key in the ignition.
The car roared to life, and swerved out of the parking space. We rode in silence for a good ten minutes. I could tell that made my dad uncomfortable because he looked like he was afraid I was going to have another mini break down. From my peripheral vision I could see his eyes carefully studying me.
"Humor me. How is life as an actress?" my dad asked playfully.
I tried to suppress the fit of giggles, but I couldn't control myself. My head cocked back and I released an oasis of laughter.
"It has its ups and downs." I replied jokingly.
"Oh do explain." my dad said smiling.
"Well the long hours and the snack bars...the snacks bars are the worst. I mean they don't really give you a good selection of food. Then the long hours! I mean when do think we're supposed to sleep? But the end results of the movie is utterly rewarding." I said flashing my dad I wide grin.
"And who are you wearing on the red carpet when you receive your Oscar?" my dad asked, suppressing a snicker.
"Oh I don't know...wait what?" I asked, looking at my dad in shock.
"Yeah when I got home last night there was a message on the answer machine. I was going to tell you right away but I figured I'd wait. Congratulations honey!" my dad replied, excitedly.
"My first Oscar!" I exclaimed.
The joy that filled my soul almost eased the pain that was harbored in the dark abyss of my heart. I finally achieved something that I never thought that I would achieve.
"Mom is gon..." I started.
Suddenly the pain swam back to my soul, pulling me back into my hearts dark abyss. Tears welled up in my eyes drowning my joy.
"Your mother is going to be proud of you. I bet she's up there smiling at you right now. She wouldn't want so see you sad, so put on a smile, everything is all right." my dad said, wiping the tears off my right cheek.
"I know Dad, its just that when she heard that I was going to be playing Juliette she was so happy. She couldn't wait to see the movie, and then the cancer just had to get worse. Without her help, I wouldn't be receiving this Oscar." I sobbed.
My dad placed his right hand on my back and rubbed it, trying to soothe me.
I tried pasting the rehearsed smile I had on my face for half of the ride on again, but it seemed as if it was lost forever. My mask that I tried to hide behind, blew out the window.
The rest of the ride was iced with silence, while a dozen of emotions baked in my heart. To contain myself, I wrapped my arms around my torso, hoping that I wouldn't fall apart. Remembering my mother just tore another piece of my heart out from me. It was if God or some other force was trying to defeat me.
Well you have succeeded.
When the car pulled to a stop, I rushed to get out of the car. I didn't want my dad to see me break down. He gave me a goodbye smile and I returned it the best way I could. Then I watched as he drove off, oblivious to the secret pain that I tried to keep from him.
Denny, the doorman, opened the door for me, a huge smile pasted on his face. I tried to smile back but it felt like I only managed a straight line going across my face. Worry filled Denny's eyes, he never like seeing me upset.
"Miss Austen whats wrong?" Denny asked softly.
"Oh I just had a long...long day. I'm fine though thanks." I lied politely.
It wasn't a long day and I wasn't fine. Denny seemed to have bought the lie though, and released me from his worry-filled gaze. Noise filled my head, making my head spin. People gawked and pointed as I whirred through the lobby crowd towards the elevator. I didn't know if it was the fact that the pain finally spread my face or the fact that I was Francesca Austen, the famous actress, that made them gawk but I had to get away from the eyes that watched me.
As I ran, from the corner of my eye I could see cameras flashing. I picked up pace, almost flying into the closed doors of the elevator until they flew open. Relieved, I let out a thankful sigh as the doors of my safe fortress closed. I was alone, at last. I listened to the soft harmonious elevator music with my eyes closed. The tears still hid behind my eyelids, but for some reason they didn't want to fall.
My heart felt cold and still.
My mind felt blank and stupid.
My life seemed to be ending.
The sound of the elevator doors opening brought me back to life. My eyes flashed open in alarm. I walked out of the elevator and headed down the hall to my castle of solitude.
When I reached the door to my suite, I pressed my head to the door. I took long deep breaths as I dug around in my right pocket for the key.
Tears fell silently from my eyes and I swiped the key in the lock.
The red light on the door flashed green. The door was unlocked.
I opened the door and let the waves crash against my shore. The tears wouldn't stop. They just kept falling and for some reason I let them. I closed the door behind me and made my way towards the tan couch in the middle of my room where I collapsed.
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