Young Writers Society

I walk through curtains of darkness, pushing them aside with the beacon that is my iPod's LED light. While trying to focus on muffling my footsteps in the fluffy carpet I keep a sly eye around every corner. I am fourteen and still skittish when is comes to the dark. It's not that I'm afraid of monsters or anything like that, I'm just afraid of what could be there...lurking, unseen. I suppose that means I'm afraid of the unknown, but really, who isn't?
As I turn the final corner to the kitchen something crackles by my toe and I jump a good foot in the air. I barrel into the living room couch, iPod slipping out of my hand. I hear a soft thud as the LED switches off.
The darkness seems to solidify as my heart goes cold.

What now?

I blink frantically in an effort to adjust to the inky blackness. But before long soft footsteps echo down the stairs. My brain says logically "It's your Dad coming to see what the noise is about,"
But my heart whimpers, "Kidnapper! Murderer! Monster! Zombie!"
Ignoring the latter I gingerly reach out my hands to try and bring myself to my feet. I'm padding the ground searching for my iPod by the time the over head light clicks on and I'm swathed in bleary light. Squinting, I make out the shape of my Dad, groggy and hunched from being woken up. "Sorry," I splutter, grabbing my iPod where it lays two inches from my hand. "Needed a glass of water. I-I tripped" I still can't clearly make out my Dad's face but I know he's most likely annoyed. Being woken up my frantic teenage daughter isn't exactly high up on my things-to-do list either.

Straightening up, I begin to explain more thoroughly but before I can utter my first syllable the man who I thought was my Father comes at me at the speed of sound, catching me in a choke hold that leaves me barely breathing. I thrash but he just holds me tighter. "I don't want to hurt you" he whispers in a voice that brings to mind the spooky slits of cat's eyes.
"Yeah right" I gasp. But something small in my brain reminds me that if he'd wanted to kill me he would've done so by now.
"Hold still," he says calmly and I hear a clicking next to my throat. He releases me then and I stumble to the floor. Looking up, I foggily see his face. I was right about the cat's eyes; they sear into me as everything goes black.

very nice...
I may not be a genious in literature, but i thouught it was really very good...
An advice:
explain more, we have 5 senses, use them, describe, explain...
Describe what is she touching, smelling, hearing...
But, its very nice...
I hope I'm usefull
Make it longer.
Tell a story with it, a long story.
I would love this, on a story.
Go on like this...
And I will be waiting for "Without reason. The hole story"
bye and good luck
From the bottom of my heart

I really liked this piece.

If i had the time and energy, I'd try to Crit. this better

Seperating the different people's dialouge would make it eaisier to read.


Keep writing,

Risa

i LOVED this!
I actually jumped when the man she thought was her father wasn't her father. (not the best english huh?)
That is EXACTLY what im like when i am home alone. You did a great job in portraying it. Im looking forward to more ,though, why is it in romantic fiction???
LOVED IT ANYWAY

Thanks for the critiques!

why is it in romantic fiction???

Tee hee you'll see.

i really enjoyed this piece and can not wait for more!!!

I really liked it!
I can't wait for part two(:

My only comment is that,
when you have the talking,
maybe make a break inbetween
them, as if starting a new paragraph.

Other then that, it was amazing for me.

Keep up the great writing!

I'm quite captivated by your story! Especially the sudden twists, like when it wasn't her Dad after all. But I did notice some grammar mistakes, perhaps you would like to check them out and correct them? And I agree with the others about making a break between the dialogues. Keep up the good work!