Young Writers Society

Okay so this is my first time posting a story or the beginnig of a story here, so here it is:

It was a very cold rainy day, and Sarah couldn't tell were she was going because of all the fog that was on the dirt road she was taking to the grocery store. She had on her blue rain coat with her house keys dangeling out of her front pocket and wore the black rain boots her mother gave her. It was in the middle of summer vacation and it hasn't stopped raining ever since school ended. She didn't mind that it was raining the past two weeks. She actualy thought it was beautiful and peaceful. Not like her friend sammy who thought that it was ruining there time of fun. Sarah could finally see her favorite house coming up. It was a white two story house that had a painted baby blue pickett fence around it and a small pink rose garden. The person who lived there was a family friend. Her name was Catherine Mitchels but Sarah always called her Mrs.Mitchels. She use to babysit sarah when she was younger. Sarah still visits her every now and then to babysit her children Jane and Alvy. Her husband Mr. Mitchels was always at work between 7:00 AM to 5:00 Pm at a warehouse store.
Everytime their house showed up Sarah knew she was very close to the market. It was only two minutes away from where Mr. and Mrs. Mitchels house was. Sarah had to pick up dinner for that night. Her mom was gonna make her favorite dish, Penne pasta with Sun Dried Tamato Pesto sauce, and she also had to pick up some milk for her baby brother, Robby.



Okay, that was all I was able to type down so far, I have more but its pretty late. Just tell me how you liked it so far, im not realy done with this part yet because there is still a few changes I need to make.
Thank you

Firstly, can I jsut say welcome to YWS! And please could you read the rules, we do ask that you do at least two reviews before submitting anything. No worries though!

Let's have a look shall we?

'It was a very cold rainy day, and Sarah couldn't tell where she was going because of all the fog that was on the dirt road she was taking to the grocery store'

This sentence nearly killed me. Lots of conjuctions, just one period and 4 'was's. Oh and you spelt 'where' wrong

Rewrite this. It is good for a romance scene, but its just to heavy. How about 'Sarah could barely see through the fog along the dirt track. The beating rain made it no better but she stubbornly continued to the grocery store.' Not much shorter but it uses mroe active verbs and it is two sentences.

'dangeling' I think you mean 'dangling'.

I don't like the second sentence either 'She had on her blue rain coat with her house keys dangeling out of her front pocket and wore the black rain boots her mother gave her'. It makes no sense at is very long.

'She actualy thought' actually

After reading this, I think I have a general idea of what to say. You clearly know what you want to say, but you just can't find the right words to say it. Work harder on sentence structure, and your vocab. The plot seems alright, but lets face it, Tolkien used brilliant writing to clean up all the lose ends, and make the ropes to tie. Just keep reading, learning others techniques and styles.

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Suzanne wrote:3. Have you correctly spaced out your work?
Notice how may paragraphs all have spaces between them? This is considered proper spacing, and makes it easier for the reader. Otherwise, your work looks like one long block of text, and will shy people away. This isn’t too hard to do: in between your paragraphs hit the enter/return key so that there is a space, and it should be good.

Also, when posting there is a Spell Check button.

Not like her friend sammy who thought that it was ruining there time of fun.

Sammy should be capitalised. Proper noun.
There should be their. Homophone.

between 7:00 AM to 5:00 Pm

That wouldn't be nearly as distracting or obstructive if it were: "from seven to five"

There are many ways to communicate it without using the specific numbers and times, and they are easier to read.

Ultimately, I find this to be docile and uninteresting. Which isn't surprising, considering what I normally read. I see little makings of a great plot, though it might be expected this early as you should probably be in the process of introducing the characters and setting and such.

Please, just read through your writing and edit out the silly mistakes before you post. It'll let us focus on other aspects of critiquing.

Oh my gosh I didn't notice all the mistakes I've made writing this. I will try to post a better one. Thanks for the advice especially aedomir. It was pretty late and I was rushing to get off the computer, I should of wrote this when I had enough time that explains the misspelled words. Clearly I might need a dictionary

I thought this was a good beginning but there wasn't much of a steady flow to it. It seemed that all the sentences were about the same length, and they were a little choppy in some places. Many of the sentences also could have been broken down into maybe two shorter sentences.

Also, I would have liked to see more adjectives and vivid descriptions. There were some, I got a good image in my head of the foggy road and Sarah walking along, but the image could have been made even sharper with a few colorful words.

PM me when you add more chapters!

Toodles!
~Keira

Glad I could be of help! PM me if you need further crits or whatever.

I do like this! It has a lot of potential and I'm interested in seeing what you do with it.

A couple of quick suggestions. As the people have said before, there were multiple spelling errors. You can shore that problem up real quick by running it through a spell check. The spacing of your story was a little odd as well, I would suggesting doing the preview option so that you can see what the story looks like in a post. That just makes things easier for the reader because we all know we're lazy

Can't wait for more!

Cheers,
Ollie May

Thank you