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Moonlight Seagull: Chapter Four Thanks...



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Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:58 am
Gwenevire says...



I limped slowly into the changing room still savoring that perfect moment with Griffin. I was so caught up in his beauty that I didn’t notice the two large scrapes on each of my knees. Ouch. The voice hissed into my ear. I ignored it and continued into the room.
Tamika had just pulled her t-shirt on when she turned her head to me.

“Sam! What happened?” She yelled as she rushed towards me.

“Oh nothing.” I smiled, “Hey! That hurts” I whined as she began to prod and inspect me knees.

“Its okay Tamika, I am fine. I will just clean them off a –“ I began.

“No! You will go to the office and clean them out properly then get some band aids!” She interrupted bossily.

“Whoa. Okay Tamika whatever you say- WA!”

She had lifted me up and began to carry me towards the door. Then she dropped me just in front of it.

“No! Go!” She orderd.

“But I hav-“

“NO go!”

I turned without another word and limped back out of the door. Once out of her sight, I leant up against the wall and sighed Man oh man. That lady is bossy. I looked down at my ripped knees. I cupped my hand around one and blew lightly against it. A hiss of pain passed my lips and I pulled away from the wound.
I growled before slowly walking down the hall. This is gona take a while. The office was in the other building on the second floor.

I began to slowly limp onwards when I herd the boys change room door squeak open. I looked up my black hair draping over my sweaty face. Oh man… It was Griffin. He was holding his shirt and it wasn’t on yet. Man he was hot. I smiled before turning back to my work. I herd him gasp and he rushed towards me.

“Sam. Are you okay?” He said worriedly into my ear.

I almost collapsed. Relax Sam. Griffin your crush has just ran over to you topless and is whispering into your ear… Relax

“Yah. I am fine… I just tripped”

“I know I was with you. Here let me take you to the office.”

“No no… Its fine I can walk.” I began to pull away. But his firm grasp was to strong.

What are you doing! Let him take you! The voice screamed. I can’t…I cringed, Do it! I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in.

“Okay…” I whispered.

“Okay. You can lean on my shoulder and we will walk there slowly…” He said sweetly, “Unless you want me to carry you…” He continued.

“No its fine.” I nodded.

He smiled and let me wrap my arm around his naked shoulder. We began to walk forwards. I cringed and hissed as my knees stung.

“That’s it I am carrying you!” He said simply.

“No no… Really you don’t have to! I am really heavy.” I squeaked.

He didn’t listen to me and lifted me up like a baby. Wow he’s strong…

“Don’t you need a shirt… Its really cold out there.” I said quickly.

“No I am fine” He whispered into my ear.

Holly cow. I am being held by my topless crush… wow…

“Do you usually fall like that?” He asked.

“No. Usually I just bump into things. But today has been different.” I sighed.

“I see…” He breathed.

He didn’t seem to even grunt under my weight.
Once we reached the office he pushed open the door with his shoulder and brought me in. I blushed as all the heads turned to look us over.

“Can we see the nurse.” He said.

The secretary motioned to the back room and looked back down. Griffin walked into the room and placed me on the long brown examining bed. I looked up and smiled at him. He smiled back.

The nurse entered the room a few seconds later and looked Griffin over.

“I suggest you put a shirt on young man” She said quietly.

I glared up at her. No one tells my Griffin what to do! I snarled.

He looked back down at me and smiled, “I will be back to pick you up.”

I nodded and blinked, “Thank you…”

With that he stepped out of the room and closed the door.

“So what happened?” The nurse said.

“Tripped”

“I see.” She looked up over her glasses, “We will clean it up and send you back to your class.”

I nodded and watched her open a cupboard filled with medicines and cotton swabs. She pulled out a small bottle of clear liquid and a few cotton balls. Oh dam, peroxide. I cringed. Well what did you think she was going to use? The voice snapped, At least you got to get up close to Griffin.

The nurse pushed the cotton up against my knee and rubbed it around. I hissed in pain and my hands dug into the plastic bed.
She didn’t even look up and grabbed another cotton ball and did the same thing on the other knee. I almost yelped in pain, but I managed to keep it in.
She dried my knees off and covered them with two large pink band-aids.

“All done.” She growled.

“Thanks…”

I slid off of the bed and shuffled towards the door.
I had managed to get out of the office before I saw Griffin.

“How are you feeling.” He smiled

“Fine…”

“Good” He said before picking me back up and walking back to class.

I turned to look into his eyes, “Thanks for being so kind to me today.” I sighed.

“Hey no problem” He nodded
Last edited by Gwenevire on Wed Jan 16, 2008 9:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:28 am
Kepe says...



Well just a few things I noticed...

proud- didn't you mean prod?
So I guess the harshest criticism I can give you is that it sounded a lot like Twilight, but I don't know that might be more of a compliment than anything. Maybe you should make Sam less of a klutz and give her a very distinct non-Bella personality. Also, Griffin carrying Sam to the school nurse was a lot like Edward carrying Bella to the school nurse... however, I just have to say I love scenes like that! They make me tingle with happiness, so I suppose a conclusion to my message would be: I love it, however be careful not to make it to Twilightish. Cheers!
  





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Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:30 am
Gwenevire says...



Thanks! :D
I did kinda notice that as well.
I will do my best to avoid Bellaness.
I guess I could make her less of a klutz.
But what would my excuse be for the first 4 chapters? It is only one day. Maybe she is just a little hyped up on Griffin.
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Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:44 am
chayonz says...



Ok here i noticed more grammatical mistakes than last time.

Here.

"I lifted cupped my hand around one and blew lightly against it. A hiss of pain passed my lips and I pulled away from the wound. "

Don't you mean 'I cupped my hand..."

"I cringed. Well what did you think she was going to us?"

It should probably be," What do you think she was going to DO to us." Right?

Well there's two grammatical mistakes.

Also in the very beginning, Tamika seems uneccissarildly bossy. Its almost over exaggerated and too much. You should probably cut down on that a bit. Less shouting, but more firm commands.

Otherwise its great once again! Can't wait to read the next!
h a y o n :)

nobody is perfect. thats why pencils have erasers.
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Wed Jan 16, 2008 4:32 pm
Gladius says...



Ok, Gwen, let's see what happens to Sam this time!

Gwenevire wrote:I limped slowly into the changing room

“Oh--nothing,” I smiled, “Hey! That hurts!” I whined as she began to prod and inspect me knees.

Gwenevire wrote:“Its okay, Tamika. I'm fine. I'll just clean them off a –“ I began.

May I recommend using more contractions? It makes dialogue flow better and more naturally.

Gwenevire wrote:“Whoa. Okay, Tamika, whatever you sa-AH!”

She had lifted me up and began to carry me towards the door.

“Go!” She orderd.

“But I hav-“

“NO! GO!”

I turned without another word and limped back out of the door. (um, isn't Tamika carrying her?) Once out of her sight, I leaned [s]up[/s] against the wall and sighed, Man oh man. That lady is bossy. I [s]thought before[/s] looked [s]back[/s] down at my ripped knees, [s]I lifted[/s] cupped my hand around one, and blew lightly against it. A hiss of pain passed my lips and I pulled away from the wound.
I growled before slowly walking down the hall. This is gonna take a while. The office was in the other building on the second floor.
When Heroes fall and the Sacred Blade is captured, can Evil be stopped?~The Wings of Darkness

I'm also ZeldaMoogle on Fanfiction.net!

"Funny is a formula for which there are a million variables, and it is impossible to backtrack unless, possibly, you make a living out of it."~Rosey Unicorn
  





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Wed Jan 16, 2008 9:12 pm
Gwenevire says...



Thank you all
I will make the corrections right away! :D
  





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Thu Jan 17, 2008 2:25 am
Wolf says...



It looks like grammar has already been addressed, but I have some of my own comments...

This does sound a lot like Twilight. The whole thing with Taylor - I mean Griffin, being so strong and carrying her to the nurse. You might want to make it more original - I know I'm not the first person to mention this Twilight-ness, and I have a feeling I won't be the last. Why doesn't Griffin have any obvious flaws, as Sam does? Its just like in Stephenie Meyer's book - Edward is so perfect, and Bella has some major weaknesses.

Speaking of weaknesses, Sam's aren't particularly original or interesting. I've read so many books with klutzy female characters already - City of Bones, Twilight, etc. Why not give her something else?
The voices in her head - I like that, though. You should add more unique things like that. :)

Anyways. From what I've read so far, the characters are cardboard: Tamika = bossy yet kind girl, Sam = sporty and klutzy girl, Griffen = the Edward=esque guy, and of course, Alicia wouldn't be as good as Sam. You know what I mean?

Either way, I have to go now, but I shall continue this [s]lecture[/s] critique tomorrow!

Cheerio,
Camille
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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