Young Writers Society

"Hello, Miss... Jones?" The police officer looked up from his clipboard. I nodded. "Okay. Can you tell us what happened?"
"Yes."

"The sky was jet black, and filled with twinkling stars. The grassy nul where the marquee had been set up was indistinguishable against the concrete from the hill which I sat on. Next to me was Tailor, his shaggy blonde hair shifting slightly in the gentle breeze. We kissed; it was magical. I had always liked him, but I had never realised how strongly. His deep blue eyes reflected the pearly-white moon above us, and he put his arm around me. I nestled into his chest, listening to the on-going rythym of his heart. I felt that nothing in the world could be better than this, and that it would never end, until I heard the screams.
Taylor and I instantly looked up. His calming heartbeat was no longer heard, so i became uptight and nervous.
"S**t." he cursed and my eyes widened.
"What?" I whispered. He pushed my body down, low to the ground, and held it with his strong arms. His breathing was heavy as he answered me.
"Those b******s found me." I looked up. The lights went out. "Here. Come with me." Taylor grasped my hand and we edged silently down the hill. "On three, we'll run." He wasn't whispering. His breath was making words. That's how quiet he was." It was too painful to continue.
"Did you know who they were, who he was talking about?" The police officer looked sympathetic. I shook my head.
"He was always so popular, but kind. He tutored and was really friendly." A salty tear ran down my cheek.
"Can you continue?" he asked kindly. I nodded, wiping my eyes with the crumpled tissue I was grasping in my clenched fist.
"I was petrified, but he kept me moving. His hands were clammy, but he gripped tight. As we made it to the carpark, he whispered three, and we ran. I honestly felt we were going to make it; to the car, back to somewhere safe. It wasn't until I heard the gun fire and a thud as his body hit the gravel we had tried to hard to move quietly on, that my hopes immediately slipped into a chasm of doom and despair. I knew it had hit him. I could feel it."
"I ran back to his body, and laid my hand on a random place on his chest. I felt the dampness of blood through his cotton shirt. I screamed and started to sob; knowing he was dead due to his statioary chest. I looked up and saw the three black silhouettes run from the marquee into the night."

(I know this isn't very good, but i rushed it!)

Wow this is great! Its like WOW.

"The sky was jet black, and filled with twinkling stars. The grassy nul where the marquee had been set up was indistinguishable against the concrete from the hill which I sat on. Next to me was Tailor, his shaggy blonde hair shifting slightly in the gentle breeze. We kissed; it was magical. I had always liked him, but I had never realised how strongly. His deep blue eyes reflected the pearly moon above us, and he put his arm around me. I nestled into his chest, listening to the on-going rythym of his heart. I felt that nothing in the world could be better than this, and that it would never end, until I heard the screams.

This is a very strong first paragraph, with a great first sentence to set the scene. I love how the short sentence - "We kissed; it was magical" is sudden and unexpected, it shows just how spontaneous it can be, and I loved that. Your word choice her eis particularly good, "nestled into his chest", "grassy nul" and "pearly moon." Although, I think it might sound better as "pearly-white moon".

The story gets a little weaker as it continues, however it is still powerful. For improvements I think you should sow the pace a little, and try and set the scene for a few paragraphs longer. This would increase the overall tension leading up to the ending.

Also,

"Can you continue?" he asked kindly. I wiped my eyes and nodded sadly.

I think both adverbs 'kindly' and 'sadly' are pretty redundant here, and could be taken out.

We both play basketball, so our reflexes are like a cats

I hated this line, I think you should change it.

Good story, post the next bit soon please!

Thanks for all your help. I made it a little stronger at the end and it seems to make the story more believable and even, sorta like scales. I took out the basketball lines and mde a few changes. Hope you guys like it better!

I liked it.
I thought the word choice was very good.
I think you should add on to the story.
It could be a great story.

There's one problem: This girl is describing what happened to the police, right? "The sky was jet black, and filled with twinkling stars"? "His deep blue eyes reflected the pearly-white moon above us, and he put his arm around me. I nestled into his chest, listening to the on-going rythym of his heart"?

Who talks like that? Your boyfriend has just been killed, you're worrying about sounding poetic? Look, lose the policeman asking the questions, and just make it a first-person narration of the events. It'll work much better that way, because it'll make sense. I mean, now, it feels really dumb. Like, who quotes people when they're telling something? Like, who says, "Shit, he said", when you are teling something what happened? What you do is, you go, "and John, he says, really scared and all: shit!" Or something like that. You don't write how you talk.

Enough about that. The story. It feels really, like, sudden. You don't do much. There they are, kissing, then the "bastards find him" and he gets shot. Sure, your narration is pretty beautiful, and you handle words well, but it's not that interesting. Look, you're obviously good at writing. You're just making bad choices.

Lose the cop. Expand your story. Maybe narrate their whole date, while dopping hints of this guy's second life, or whatever. Something like that. You're good. It's just that this thing doesn't make much sense.

Keep writing!

I really like this.
I love this.
What pulls me into this right away is that first shes with the boyfriend. Loving the night, loving him. Then she talks to the policeman, explaining further what happened. the dialog is great. Maybe if you can put in a little more detail. make it longer. The piece is great. Love it.