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Expect the Unexpected- Chapter Seven



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Tue Oct 30, 2007 12:28 am
Chaotic Romance says...



EDIT: This has been edited thanks to the critiques!

Well, I've decided to keep posting this story, I don't want to take this story away from the few that are actually reading it and enjoying it.

And for those who are wondering, the romance will come soon, I promise!! This is a story that revovles around a relationship that goes from hate to love. Such a cliché, I know... but that is my all time favorite kind of romance story!!

Here's chapter 7:
___________________________________

David caught the girl before she could fall to the floor and picked her up with ease, as if she weighed nothing.

He ripped off the mask that he had put on. He had only worn it in order to make sure, that if he spoke, it would muffle his voice, so that she would not recognize him. It had worked, or seemed to, if she knew who he was, then she hadn't said anything. Though, he highly doubted that she would keep quiet, if she actually knew who her attacker was that is, best to be safe then sorry.

He carried her down the steps and into the waiting car that was parked in her garage. It was Adam's idea really, he thought it would be best to that and David agreed with him. If the neighbors were to look out their windows, they wouldn’t see anything until after they had put her in the car and then it wouldn’t look suspicious.

“She’s cute.” Adam noted from the passengers' seat as he watched David open the back door and placed her gently on the soft cloth of the backseat.

“Uh-huh.” David closed the back door before sitting down in the driver’s seat. “Too bad she’s only like that when she’s unconscious.”

Adam snorted at his response. “You say that about every girl..."

“No, I don’t. Besides, she’s not like any other girl I have ever met. And I have met a lot of girls in my time. She hates me already, which is actually kind of funny really because she doesn’t even know what I am.” He said, “at least not yet.” he added.

But, she will. Soon. Very, very soon, he thought as he got into the car and started the ignition. He sped away from the house going as fast as the speed limit would allow. He didn't like the idea of getting pulled over and caught before his plan could be executed completed.
___________________________________________________________________

“Are you sure that she’s willing?” Darren asked, looking skeptically at the boy in front of him.

“Yes.” David answered shortly.

“Sure didn’t take you very long. Didn’t you just tell me yesterday how difficult this was going to be then you originally thought?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

David shrugged, “Yea, well I worked extra hard and used everything I had. Girls just can’t seem to stay away from me when I use my charm.” he smirked. Telling a little lie, couldn’t hurt… and Darren would thank him in the end, he was sure of it.

“Uh-huh.” Darren said, in an unbelieving sort of way. “She better be, I will not be very happy, otherwise.” he muttered, darkly.
___________________________________________________________________

Hours later, Elizabeth woke up. She had a headache and felt really crappy. She glanced around at the room that she currently found herself in. She seemed to be in a rather dark cellar or dungeon. There were no windows and it didn’t smell too good. She tried to get up but found that she couldn’t move her arms or her legs very far. She glanced down and realized that both her feet and hands were handcuffed. The former tied to the floor and the latter tied to the wall. And the position she was in was not only very uncomfortable, but also made it hard for her to actually get out of said position.

As her eyes adjusted to the darkness she saw that this room was quite big in size, the door was right across from where she was sitting and if she hadn’t been chained to the wall she would have gone to see if it was unlocked. Though, she highly doubted that her kidnappers were stupid enough to not lock the door… they usually were in the movies, but this wasn’t the movies, this was real life. And what happens in the movies usually never resembled what happened in reality.

It was after looking at her surroundings that she started to freak out. Where was she? How’d she end up here? Then it all came flooding back, the chloroform. She had been kidnapped that she was sure of, but what she didn't know was: why? By whom? She pondered on that for a few minutes.

Who would want to kidnap her? Why would they want to kidnap her? Her parents didn’t have a lot of money; with five children it was hard to make a living on occasion, especially during tax season.

She was still wondering this when she heard a key turn in the lock and a figure stepped into the room. The light from the room beyond was blinding her for a few moments but she didn’t have time to get adjusted to it because just a few seconds later, she found that the figure had closed the door, leaving the room in pitch blackness once more.

The person-from what she could tell, though it was hard considering it was very difficult to actually see-stepped in slowly. It took her a minute, because of the darkness, to realize that it was a boy, about her age, with brown hair and brown eyes. He walked up to her and kneeled down and without saying a word he began to unlock the handcuffs on both her wrists and ankles. When he was done, he finally spoke, “Darren would like to see you now.” as if she had an appointment with him. She just looked at him in some state of shock.

He then rather roughly pulled her to her feet and began dragging her to the door. “Why does this Darren guy want to see me for?” she asked, not really expecting an answer which was good because he didn’t give her one. He just continued to pull her as if she hadn’t spoken at all.

When they got to the door he jerked it open and dragged her through it and slammed it closed behind her. They were in a dimly lit hallway, but before she could see much more he dragged her down the hall and up a flight of steps. At the top she was dragged through another door and out into what looked like an entranceway.

She then was taken up another flight of stairs. And taken down another hallway, the boy stopped at the third door on the left and knocked. There was a slight pause before a gruff voice from within said "Come in.”

The boy opened the door and stepped into the room, pulling Elizabeth in with him.

They seemed to be in an office. Though the only hint of that was the mahogany desk at the other end with two chairs in front of it. There were no pictures on the wall and except for the document the man behind the desk was busy reading there was nothing on the desk either. The man looked up from the piece of paper as they walked in. He smiled when he saw Elizabeth behind the boy, for some reason Elizabeth didn’t like the look he was giving her. It was quite creepy to tell the truth. “Ah…thank you Jason for bringing her, that will be all.” he said, still giving Elizabeth that extremely creepy look.

“Thank you, sir.” the boy said and he turned around, went around Elizabeth and left the room. The man smiled at Elizabeth still, God, he is giving me the creeps she thought as she looked around unable to look at him anymore.

“Come, have a seat,” he pointed to one of the chairs in front of the desk, he added and Elizabeth wasn’t sure, but she swore it sounded like he was being sarcastic. “Don’t worry I don’t bite.”

Elizabeth looked at the chair then at him then she made her way cautiously to it, scared that he might jump out at her and do something that she didn’t want him to do. She sat down cautiously and stared at him, taking in his features he looked to be in his early twenties, his hair was blond, so blonde it looked white it was about shoulder length and every time he moved his head it fell in front of his emerald green eyes.

“Well, Miss Fitzegerald,” he started. “You’re probably wondering what you’re doing here? Correct?” he finally asked after several moments of silence.

Elizabeth, getting what courage she had lost in the dungeon room back, simply glared at the man before her and said nothing. She knew it was immature to be giving someone the silent treatment but she could really careless right now. She was pissed off that one of this man’s men probably kidnapped her for God only knows what reason.

He cleared his throat and tried again, “Come my dear, you must be just a little curious.” he stated, a hint of anger in his voice at her incorporation.

Still nothing.

He smiled, “Perhaps if I asked another question you would answer?” he asked.

She merely glared at him.

“Well, I think I’ll just get right to the point then.” he said. “You were taken merely because I must have a word with your father.” he expected an answer to this or at least a change in facial expressions, but nothing happened; she looked at him with that same glaring face as before.

He took a deep breath, willing that his anger not get the better of him tonight, but it was extremely hard with this little brat who was suppose to be an easy pushover who turned out to be quite the opposite. David had told him that she was willing! David would pay for his insolence later; right now he had her to put up with.

“But I think the extremely funny thing is that we’ve been watching the house for the last couple of hours. It’s nearly midnight; shouldn’t your parents be home by now? They haven’t been spotted for a few hours, I’m starting to guess that they left town, in quite a hurry I might add… and without their youngest daughter.” He stated, hoping to get a reaction out of her. He did, though it was only a flicker of fear mixed with hurt in her eyes before they returned to their stoic expression. “Now, you wouldn’t know anything about that now would you? Hmm?” he asked.

She merely glared at him, which made him even angrier. He took another deep breath to calm himself. And to his surprise, she actually spoke. Granted, she mumbled and what she said was rather incoherent. But at least she was willing to cooperate now.

“What was that, my dear?” he asked curiously.

She glanced at him and said, “I don’t know what the hell you are talking about you bastard and even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you!” she screeched.

He opened his mouth to speak but she interrupted “I wasn’t done yet and how would I know anyway since you kidnapped me? You moron!” she stood up clearly pissed off.

“Such a temper you have. Just like you’re mother, I’d say.” He smiled at her, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. He was looking up at her, because she was still standing, "Well that’s very interesting my dear, please sit, there is no point for you to be standing like that.”

Elizabeth, breathing hard, sat back down, “I hate you.” she whispered.

“I figured you did, my dear.” he said as he got up and went around the desk and knelt down next to her and looked her straight in the eyes, using his powers for the first time to not allow her to look away. “But I could really careless and that will not stop me from getting what I want from you. So my dear, it would be to your advantage to just tell me now, or I will have to force it out of you, and believe me you do no want that.” he said smirking at her.

“I don’t know anything. God damnit I already told you that.” she said.

“Oh, but there is something in your voice and your eyes that states otherwise.” He said, giving her a knowing look.

She glared at him for a few moments.

“Whatever, bastard.” she spat at him. “Go to hell.”

“Very well then, we will see what you know after I’m done with you.” he said as he got up and left the room.
Last edited by Chaotic Romance on Sun Dec 09, 2007 6:03 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." - Dr. David M. Burns

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Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:07 am
mizz-iceberg says...



Ahh. More!! Post more. Waitaing for the next chapter. You really got me there. I thought David was kidnapping her for his own purposes...but it turns out it's for some sort of gang.

Well you've got me hanging and waiting for the rest.

So more, I say More.

Not much to crit. about. Nothing caught my eye that I thought could be altered.
-icy.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:52 am
BigBadBear says...



Hey! Great job again!

The only thing that I feel that this story is missing is emotions. Elizabeth is just kinda.. blah... If you had just been kidnapped, what would you be feeling? You wouldn't be feeling happy. You would be terrified out of your right mind! How come Elizabeth isn't like that? That is what makes the story.

Other than that, the only thing I don't like is all of the swearing. Could you cut back on it?


Well, I hope this helps!

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Tue Oct 30, 2007 3:32 pm
sokool15 says...



*wild scream* I wrote a hugely wonderful critique, and then my computer ate it! ACK!!! :cry: :evil:

*deep breath* okay, let's try this again. :x

David caught the girl before she could fall to the floor and picked her up with ease, as if she weighted nothing.


weighted = weighed

Also, 'as if she weighed nothing' is a very commonly used term...maybe ever-so-slightly-cliche? Just something to think about.

It had worked, or seemed to… if she knew who he was, then she hadn't said anything… but he highly doubted that she had known who he was, she seemed the type of person to scream and get extremely pissed off, if she found out that the person that was trying to kidnap her was actually someone she knew.


This entire thing is one sentence! Bad! Take out the ellipses and put in full stops. Also, that whole thing about 'if she knew who he was, then she hadn't said...' etc is a little confusing to me. Also, you have some extra words in there that don't need to be there like "that was" and "that the." I'm going to rewrite a corrected version of the paragraph below and you can take what you like and discard what you absolutely despise.

It had worked, or seemed to. She hadn't said anything, and he highly doubted she had known who she was. She seemed the type of person to scream and get extremely pissed off if she found out the person trying to kidnap her was actually someone she knew.


He carried her down the steps and into the waiting car that happened to be parked in her garage. It was the boy he had dragged into this idea.


Okay, so if he dragged a boy into the plan with him, he must have ordered the boy to do something, right? Like bring a car into the garage? So why would the car have just 'happened' to be there, by chance, if it was planned out beforehand? See what I mean? Also the second sentence is, I believe a fragment. "He carried her down the steps and into the garage, nodding at the boy who sat in the passenger's seat of the waiting car." or something like that. That's crappy, but you get the picture.

David closed the back door before sitting down in the driver’s seat, “Too bad she’s only like that when she’s unconscious.”


lol...I like that. Funny. Just do a full stop after 'driver's seat' and it'll be perfect!

She hates me already which is rather humorous,


Comma after 'already.' Is David the kind of person to use words like 'rather humorous' in his everyday language? Because nobody else I know would. they'd say 'kind of funny' or maybe 'a little ironic.' Or something. But if it's in his character to say something like that, then I understand.

But, she will. Soon. Very, very soon. He thought as he got into the car and started the ignition.


Lower case 'H' in "he thought" and comma after 'very, very soon' instead of full stop.

“Yes.” was the short answer that David gave him.


Very wordy. Oh, comma after 'yes' instead of full stop, by the way, but it's the part after the dialogue that's wordy. Because David is being so abrupt, you want to give the impression to the reader of abruptness, not "yes" he said abruptly and quickly and shortly. It just doesn't work. I would just say:
"Yes," said David shortly.


I have to go to class now, but I'd just like to say that this was a very, very nice chapter altogether! I like reading your story and I like spending time critiquing it...please continue posting!

Oh, I like the conversation between Darren and Eizabeth, very good.

~Mademoiselle Kool
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
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