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Expect the Unexpected- Chapter Four



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Sat Oct 27, 2007 1:18 am
Chaotic Romance says...



I just want to thank sokool15 for commenting on Chapter Three! Here's Chapter 4:
__________________________________

Elizabeth sighed as she sat down in her usual seat on the bus that afternoon. School had not been that great, and the fact that David had been in practically every single class with her did not make her feel very good. It actually made her quite sick.

She shuddered; he had left her alone, for the most part. All he had done was sit behind her in all of her classes, and pretty much bother her off and on. He hadn't really sad anything to her, but his actions still creeped her out. A lot.

She got out her book, an old copy of Interview with the Vampire. She really just started getting interested in the book a few weeks before when it had caught her attention as she was looking for another book in the used book store that she tended to go to way too much. At least, according to Katie she did. But, she couldn't help the fact that she liked to read so much.

She was only about halfway through, but already she was fascinated by all that Anne Rice had written and what exactly it meant. She wasn’t exactly a horror person, but this book seemed to be calling to her and it was hard to not get drawn in.

And that’s the reason why she didn’t hear the person who came to stand by her seat until he spoke, “You’re interested in vampires?”

The voice not only broke her out of her thoughts, but she also jumped a little due to the sudden interruption. She glanced up, and sighed, “When will you take the hint?” she asked. She let out a groan of frustration at who happened to be standing in the aisle.

He smirked but didn’t say anything, just sat down next to her. Without making sure that it was alright to do such a thing first. “You could have asked to sit before you did!” she said, scooting as far from him as she could get, which wasn’t far since the seat was kind of small to begin with.

“And would you have said yes?” he arched an eyebrow at her.

She thought about it. “No.” she said flatly after only a moment of hesitation.

“There you go.” he said as if that was a good enough reason to sit down with making sure it was alright first.

“Whatever,” she grumbled before she opened the book and groaned again, “Ah, you made me lose my place!” she pouted, glaring at him. “Thanks a lot.”

He smirked. That was really getting on her nerves. “So, you never answered my question.”

She stopped looking for her place in the book to glance at him, “What question?”

“I asked if you were interested in vampires.” He reminded her.

“Just because I’m reading a book about them doesn’t mean I’m interested in them.” She said, a little more rudely then she had intended. But, she realized that she didn't care how rude she sounded to this boy. With the way he treated her and acted around her he deserved the treatment.

“Uh-huh.” was all he said to that. She rolled her eyes, still trying to find her place in the book and still not succeeding, all the pages looked the same making it exceedingly difficult and his presence was just making everything worse. “You didn’t answer my question.” He pointed out a few minutes later after she had finally found her spot again. She had the feeling he had done that on purpose.

She looked at him, making sure to put her bookmark where she had left off so she wouldn’t lose her spot again. “I don’t have to answer your question.” She said.

“It’s not wrong to have a conversation with me. I’m not going to hurt you.” He said, much he smirked as he said it in his mind but not aloud. He wanted to draw her in, not scare her away.

“Why does that not make me feel any better?” she asked, it was a rhetorical question that she answered herself, “maybe it’s because I don’t trust you?” she asked yet again another rhetorical question. “Now, if you will excuse me, I would like to read my book in peace for the rest of the way.”

She tried to keep reading but she could feel his gaze on her which made her quite uncomfortable and she found herself putting her book away and looking at him, expectantly. “Yes?” she asked when her eyes met his.

He shrugged but didn’t say anything.

“Why do you keep following me?” she asked.

“Because I can.” Was his answer and oh how helpful it wasn’t.

“Wow, that’s helpful.” She said sarcastically.

He smirked.

“And that’s even more helpful.” she said just as sarcastically as before.

“So, you didn’t answer my first question.”

She rolled her eyes, “What is with you wanting to know if I’m interested in vampires?” she asked suspiciously.

He shrugged, “I’m just curious. Is that so wrong of me?” he asked.

She looked at him for a few minutes, seeming to size him up. “I guess not,” she sighed “And for your information, I do not believe in vampires, I just like reading about them.”

“I see.” was all he said.

“Happy now?”

He didn’t answer, merely looked at her. “You’re weird.” she said simply looking at him with a funny look in her eye.

“I’m weird?” he asked shocked. “I’m not the one that's afraid of a boy you barely know.”

She snorted, “I am not afraid of you.” She said, “I just don’t like you. There’s a difference, you know.” She gave him a very knowing look.

“Well, why don’t you like me?” he pushed.

“We’ve been through this before. You want me and I don’t want you. And therefore, you are not on my good side.” she said.

“Well… what if we started over?” he asked, “pretend like we’re just meeting for the first time?”

She looked at him for a few seconds before glancing out the window to find that they were approaching her stop. She gathered up her belongings as fast as possible before she got up as the bus came to a slowing halt.

She said one word, “No.” before she squeezed past him and made her way off the bus. Thanking God for the amazing timing.
___________________________________________________________________

She began walking down the neighborhood street; she had a few streets to go before she reached her house. So, she strolled down the street in no real hurry. She had stuff to think about, which included the David boy and his strange attraction to her. Usually she didn’t mind guys who had crushes on her, but he seemed to take it to the next level and make her feel very uncomfortable. She was just uneasy about him; there was something inside her that was telling her, to stay away from him. And that part of her, was usually right, so she wasn’t about to take any chances by not listening to it.
___________________________________________________________________

“Damnit,” he muttered darkly under his breath as the bus pulled away and he watched her walk down the suburban street.

Well, the first day could have gone better. Much better. But it could have gone worse….at least she was still on speaking terms with him. And at least she seemed to tolerate him. It was only a matter of time before he had her right where he wanted her to be

He just had to be patient.

And hope that Darren was willing to wait as long as it took for her to be completely willing. But he highly doubted that he would take the news very well. David winced at the thought of telling Darren about the girls’ obvious stubbornness.

He glanced out the window, as they came upon the next stop on the buses route, the bus was mostly empty, and it would be just him and the driver soon… and them it would be time to feed. He hadn’t eaten all day, most school cafeterias don’t serve blood, for obvious reasons.

He scooted over on the seat to make room for a girl getting off, who was currently carrying an instrument case, noting from the size, he guessed that it might have been a trombone. His hand ran into something and he look down to see Elizabeth’s copy of Interview with the Vampire lying forgotten on the seat next to him.

He smirked as he picked it up and flipped through it. He continued smirking as an idea formed in his head and he found himself getting up and leaving the bus and stepping onto the sidewalk in front of a medium sized home. He started walking in the direction that he knew her house to be in.

It was only nice to return things to their proper owners.

He smirked.
___________________________________________________________________

“I’m home!” Elizabeth called as she let herself into her house a few minutes later.

“Lizzie!!” came two voices in unison from the kitchen and the next thing she knew she was being tackled by two people who could barely reach her stomach.

“Hey Jack, Carl.” she smiled down at her two little twin brothers. This was usual, it happened every day with these two, unless they had something else going on… which was not very often. Since neither one really did much after school activities.

Many people said that Elizabeth could pass as their mother, due to the fact that they looked pretty much exactly alike, except, while Elizabeth had her father’s eyes, the boys had their mothers, a rich chocolate color, that seemed black when they were angry. Which hardly ever happened though, since they never got angry, they were too easy going… But her mother on the other hand, had a temper on her, and Elizabeth seemed to have inherited it from her.

Once they had let go of her, she dropped her bag by the stairs and made her way into the kitchen to find her mother cooking something that smelled very good. Elizabeth sniffed the air, “Hey mom, what are you cooking? It smells delicious.”

Her mother looked up from where she stood by the stove and smiled at her youngest daughter. “Hello, Elizabeth. How was school?”

“It was fine. What are you cooking?” she asked again. “Isn’t it a little early for dinner?”

Her mother sent her a smile before turning back to the stove. “Of course it is dear, it’s not for us. There’s a going away party for my boss at the office tonight and I figured I just cook him something, since it will be the last time.”

“He’s finally retiring?” she asked, her mother nodded “It’s about time; he’s practically old enough to be my grandfather!”

“Elizabeth Ann!” her mother shrieked turning around to face her, “that was not very nice.”

“Sorry mom, but it’s true.”

“Yea, I guess you’re right… he was getting a little old… but he’s such a sweet man. I sure am going to miss him…” she trailed off with a sigh.

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows and groaned at the sudden realization, “Does that mean I have to babysit the boys tonight?”

“Yea, sorry honey… but your father’s invited too.”

“But mom-” she started. “Why can’t Ashley do it?”

“Elizabeth Ann, don’t you dare ‘but mom’ me, your father and I hardly ever get out of this house anymore. Please for just one night will you watch them?” her mother pleaded. “And your sister already has plans and Ronny has a class. You’re the last one available.”

“Fine.” Elizabeth grumbled. Why was it that she had to be the youngest? It wasn’t fair. She loved her brothers very much, but she didn’t like the idea of having to watch them and get the blame if they did anything stupid, which would most likely happened, they had a tendency to do that… they were boys after all. “Do I at least get paid?” she asked hopefully.

Her mother sent her a warning glare, “Okay, okay.” she put her arms up in defeat, “Forget I even asked.” she said, “I’ll just go up and get started on my homework, I guess.” She said before she promptly left the kitchen, not looking forward to tonight, but knowing that there was no arguing with her mother about it.

She had just reached the stairs when the doorbell rang, confused at who could possibly be visiting on a Monday afternoon, she shouted, “I’ll get it!” before swiftly walking the few feet between herself and the door and opening it to see the person that she did not want to see at the moment on the other side.

“What do you want?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest. “And how do you know where I live?”

He didn't answer just handed her a book and looking down she realized it was her copy of Interview with the Vampire. She hadn’t noticed that she had left it on the bus. “Oh, thanks.” she said as she tried to close the door but her mother chose that time to appear in the foyer.

“Elizabeth? Who is it?”

She turned around. “Oh, just a boy from school. He was just leaving…” she sent David a warning glare, he only smirked.

“Leaving so soon, why don’t you come in for awhile?” her mother asked.

“Mom!” her mother only ignored her as she smiled at the boy in the doorway.

If it was possible, David’s smirk grew even larger, “I’d love to.” he said before he stepped into the foyer.

And Elizabeth knew that what her mother had just done was not a very good idea, if the look on David’s face was any indication of that.
Last edited by Chaotic Romance on Sat Oct 27, 2007 2:08 am, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Sat Oct 27, 2007 1:51 am
sokool15 says...



Awww....*blushes and giggles* I feel recognized. :wink:

Do you know the rules for dialogue punctuation? Since I don't want to waste a bunch of space and time typing them out if you already know them, would you mind awfully pm-ing me to let me know if your problems are just typos?

"I'm not afraid of you. I just don't like you." She said.


If you can't see what's wrong with the punctuation in that quote, pm me and I'll talk to you about it.

Otherwise, a fairly good chapter! I am noticing one thing in particular you are doing a lot in this particular chapter...run-on sentences and sentence fragments.

You'll start a sentence and it will be totally fine, and then you'll keep going and going, and if you were reading that sentence out loud you'd have to take two breaths to get through the whole thing, if you know what I mean!

All he had done was sit behind her in all of her classes and pretty much bother her off and on and even though he hadn’t said anything, he still creeped her out. A lot.


A paragraph should not consist of one sentence. This one does. I would slice it into two different sentences.

All he had done was sit behind her in her classes, bothering her off and on throughout the day. He hadn't been saying anything, but he still managed to creep her out. A lot.


See what I mean? Okay, I'm going to find a sentence fragment example now...AH! Got one. Here...

“When will you take the hint?” she asked. Groaning in frustration at who happened to be standing in the aisle.


The second sentence is a fragment, because you're talking about something the subject is doing, but you don't include a mention of the subject. Either connect it to the one before: "she asked, groaning in frustration...etc" Or make it a full sentence: "She groaned in frustration...etc."
Adding 'she' makes it okay because now we have a subject.

There was one more thing back at the beginning...

Elizabeth sighed as she sat down in her usual seat on the bus that afternoon. School had not been that great and the fact that David had every single class with her apart from chorus and math did not make her feel very good. It actually made her quite sick.


There's nothing in particular wrong with the paragraph, but it's a little messy. The second sentence is a run-on, actually. Take out the unneeded information. We don't need to know that chorus and math were different...it clouds up the sentence structure.

School had not been great - and the fact that David had every single class with her did not make her feel any better.


All right? All right. The examples I gave here are just examples pulled from your story, but you repeat the same mistakes sometimes, so go through the chapter keeping an eye out for the same stuff. And pm me about dialogue punctuation!

Keep posting this, and i'll keep reading. It's just getting exciting!

Good day.

~Mademoiselle Kool
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  





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Tue Oct 30, 2007 3:24 am
BigBadBear says...



Oh no! The vampire is in the house!

Lol. Wonderful! The suspense it totally building. I love David more than any of the other charactors. Gosh.. what can I say?

Sometimes when you say things that Elizabeth is thinking, you don't use puncutation and you really need it. Other than that, your story seems to be correcting itself. This is the coolest vampire book I have ever read. I can't wait to read more.

Sorry if I am not able to hlep any more!

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  








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