Beautifully Evil #1

Chapter one

It was the start of the new school year in 2005. Highschoolers shuffled around to find their new classes in their school, Midvale High. It was a typical school, with typical teenagers. It were the freshman that were having a hard time adjusting from junior high, to the huge high school.

Christian Parker was a senior. He was tall and had dark black hair. He was somewhat muscular and always had a smile. He was the kind of guy all the girls would want to be around. Christian was always willing to help out other people, and enjoyed his friends, girlfriends and school.

He had recently broken up with his last girlfriend, Mary Schneider, because he had seen her groping at Nick Angelo. What kind of a girlfriend are you, Mary? Christian thought when he had seen the incident.

Mary had never forgiven herself. She had loved Christian more than anything in the world. But Christian would never accept her again! She felt horrible. She always had an eye on him, but he was always hanging around those stupid girls.

Christian knew about Mary’s spying. He felt uncomfortable around her now. He avoided her eye and just walked away.

A week after the new school year had began, a new girl began to come to Midvale High. She had long, blonde hair, and her wide blue eyes gazed around at her new environment. She too was a senior, and happened to be in none of Christian’s classes.

Christian noticed her attractiveness in her actions. She was smart, kind, and always willing to help, similar to Christian. Maybe, just maybe, she could be for me. I mean, look at her, she’s smart, beautiful, and I bet she is an awesome kisser. Christian thought as he gazed thoughtfully at her.

It wasn’t later until Christian found out her name. It was during lunch, right after Christian and his friend, Kevin, had finished eating. Popular girls surrounded the new girl, you know, the preppy ones.

Christian asked Kevin, “Hey, do you know that girl over there? Do you see her? She’s right over—there! There! Do you see here?”

Kevin nodded. “Yeah,” he said, “Her name is Christy-Ann Turner. She always had lived around L.A., but, I guess we just have never seen her.”

Christy-Ann… that’s a beautiful name. Christian smiled. He slowly began to stride over to her and her group of girls. The group eyed Christian. He usually never talked to preppies. Christy-Ann carefully watched him come closer to her. He smiled and just before he could say anything, he tripped.

“Ughf!” He said, as he fell to the ground. Instantaneously he blushed a deep scarlet. He couldn’t talk to them now, now that he was covered in chocolate milk and food waste.

He sighed and slowly picked himself up. The girls were giggling hilariously. “Yeah, yeah, very funny…” Christian said as he wiped his clothes off. He looked at Christy-Ann. She had a look of disgust upon her face.

Christian sighed. His right thigh hurt; he had landed right on it. Christy-Ann’s expression suddenly changed. It took on a look of love, or emotion. Christian softened his facial expression. She already is in love with me! You know, they were right, one look can change everything!

“Hey Christy-Ann! Whazzup?” said a voice right behind Christian. He spun around to find John Summers standing behind him.

John was a football jock. He was tall, dark and muscular. John flexed as he approached the group of giggling girls. John was obviously trying to go out with Christy-Ann, just by his looks. He took long strides, showing off his bulging muscles.

Christian showed a certain dislike for John Summers. It was always the big, muscular guys getting the girls. They also have tons of money, to spend on fancy sport cars.

Christian was right, because John’s next sentence was: “Hey Christy-Ann, would you like to go out tonight? My parents gave me their old Viper, and I would like to take it with a spin. With you."

Christy-Ann blushed. It was the first week of school and she was already being asked out!

“Uh, well, um… when?”

“Tonight, around seven o’clock.” Was John’s reply.

Christy-Ann looked back at her friends. They were all smiling with nods of encouragement. “Uh, yeah, John, I think that that would be really nice.” Christy-Ann muttered, blushing.

John took a sigh of relief. “Good! I have already bought the movie tickets!”

John walked up to Christy-Ann and kissed her, just quickly, on the cheek. She pulled back, and looked at the ground, twisting her feet.

Christian felt really dumb, just staring at John and Christy-Ann, so he went back to Kevin, who had his mouth ajar. “John is such an idiot. You know that, right?” Christian said. He did not get a reply back, and did not expect to receive one.

After school that day, Christian was standing outside of the high school, talking to one of the girls that usually hung around him. Mary was watching from the side.

When the girl had to leave, Christian stood there alone, thinking. He could see Mary, standing just behind the pillar in front of him. Why does Mary do this? What good will it do?

Christian was frowning when someone lightly tapped him on the shoulder. He turned his head and saw Christy-Ann standing beside him. He gasped.

“Christy-Ann! Hello!” Christian spat out, not knowing what to say.

She nodded and told Christian, “I am so sorry the way I acted at lunch. I mean, it wasn’t funny that you fell in front of me. I was only laughing because of peer pressure. I'm sorry."
Christian gaped. “Yeah, uh, well, it's alright, I guess… hehe,” Christian looked at a milk stain on his black tee shirt.

“And, I kind of know the reason that you came up to talk to me,” she continued, “You wanted to ask me out, huh?”

“Uh, well, not really…” Christian blushed. Why do I blush when I talk to Christy-Ann? It’s really annoying!

“Really? Then what for?” Christy-Ann questioned.

Think, Christian, think!

Christy-Ann peered at him.

“I wanted… to get to… know you!” Christian stated as he nodded intently.

“Oh,” Christy-Ann said as she looked at her shoes.

“So… where did you come from?” Christian asked.

“I’m from here.”

“Really? What school? I mean, before here.”

“I was home schooled. I was in a privet elementary school, until… um… until my twin… died.”

Christian’s face must have looked shocked, because she started into a story.

“You see, well, I had a twin brother. I was about six years old the night he was… murdered.”

“Murdered?” Christian muttered shockingly.

She slowly nodded.

“Yes, um… Samuel Turner was murdered on October 13, 1995. It was devastating me, and my parents, who are divorced right now.” She muttered. Slowly, a clear tear dropped down her cheek.

She started to stutter, and then Christian realized that she was crying.

He felt a lump in his throat. He had made her cry. Curse me.

“I’m sorry Christian, it’s just that I never talk about my brother. It’s been… so long.” She slowly muttered.

“No, it’s my fault,” Christian murmured, “I was the one that brought this up.”

She shook her head, and put her soft, clammy hands on his chest. “No, Christian, you’re fine… I needed to talk with someone.”

Suddenly a car honked and both of them looked out into the road.

John Summers was in a red Viper convertible. He made the engine roar. “Hey, hot stuff! C’mon! Let’s go for a ride!”

Christy-Ann looked at John, and then Christian. “I’m so sorry, but I have to go…” Her hand lifted off Christian’s chest.

“It’s fine… go… have fun.” Christian replied. They both stared at each other’s eyes. She is so beautiful.

Then Christy-Ann waved at him and walked away. She opened the Viper door, and slid into the seat. John tried to kiss her but she turned away again to wave at Christian.

The car took off.

Did you double post this story? I reviewed it yesterday.
By the way, you should only post one piece of writing a day. It's just polite to not flood the forums.

Yeah, I took it from the action/adventure to the romance.. Sorry about that

Now, to commence with my crit:

Christian Parker was a senior. He was tall and had dark black hair. He was somewhat muscular and always had a smile. He was the kind of guy all the girls would want to be around. Christian was always willing to help out other people, and enjoyed his friends, girlfriends and school.

This is a lot of telling; rather like dropping an anvil of information on our heads. I think that instead of just stating all this, you need to show us; use your words to tell us all this more subtly, so that we can draw our own conclusions.

I might have said this before, and I know others have, but your dialogue is pretty stiff in places. I'd advise reading it out loud to yourself to see if you can spot the problem areas. If you're stuck, then please toss me a PM and I'll tell you what spots I think are awkward, and you can go from there.

John walked up to Christy-Ann and kissed her, just quickly, on the cheek.

Now, I don't date much, but I do know that it's usually a given that guys don't kiss girls they just met and/or made a date with. Have you ever seen a girl who would let a guy do that to her before they had even gone out?
Exactly.

I was only laughing because of peer pressure.

Quick note: this is a sentence that no teenager on the planet would say. I mean, they might be thinking it, but they wouldn't say it like that. Finding a different way of saying it would be excellent.

I was in a privet elementary school

"Private" is spelled exactly so.


Hope I wasn't too harsh.

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

i enjoyed reading your story, i hope you finish it. if you add to this, could you let me know ? so i can continue reading. i think you are doing a great job, there will always be errors. dont worry. your story is great.
kim

Hmm.. Not a bad opening paragraph. I like how you state the pupils to be "shuffling" around to different classrooms. I think the usage of the word "It" at the beginning of the sentences in this though was just, too much. You use them in three out of four sentences and then this makes it seem as though you are droning on? Y'get me?

You do this a little bit in the second paragraph, when desciribing the character, Christian Parker. You over use the word "He" at the beginning of a few sentences, and this also makes it seem a lot more listy than it should. I'm not sure about the use of commas in the last sentence of this paragraph; punctuation isn't my strong point.

I didn't understand the next sentence, in the third paragraph. You say; "...he had seen her groping at Nick Angelo." This confused me. Do you mean; "...he had seen her groping Nick Angelo." Because if so, you have a slight typo here. But it could also be "gaping" I suppose.

The next paragraph was okay, but I think it could be structured so that it is only three sentences instead of five. Here's what I suggest;

"Mary had never forgiven herself. She had loved Christian more than anything in the world, but he would never take her back. She felt awful and always kept her eye on him; he was always hanging around with those stupid girls."

Try it out, I'm not saying that it's perfect, but I think that it would work a lot better and seem more narrative in a sense because it would be less of a list and would tend to flow better. Also, structure the next mini sentence/paragraph into the paragraph above, because it seems very listy and jolts when read.

The next two paragraphs are actually quite good I think. Not very original, yet again, but nice still, with good descriptions and a nice picture of the new girl. I like the sentence when you state that, she seems beautiful and interesting, but sadly, she;s not in any of his classes. A mild regret. I like the sentence; "He niticed her attractiveness in her actions" as this put across the point that whatever she does, she's always pretty. I like the small "...I bet she is an awesome kisser." part because it shows how boys think in a way.

The next paragraph is great, and I like how the author reahces out to the reader with a slight question.

And the small talk between Kevin and Christian made me laugh, especially when I picture Christian pointing out the girl to his friend and repeating "there" over and over, getting exasperated. I loved it.

Oh no, he fell over! This is good, but all together a little cliche I suppose. It's sad though that the girl he likes just frowns at him, as if to say, yucky. Not nice at all, but a good take on life.

I'm sorry but this review has been cut short because I have to go, but I may vry well return and finish later; although I think I may have covered a lot of the main factors. Good foundations, but you need to be more show than tell and a little less listy.

Hey!
This is much less confusing when individual pieces are numbered. The line-by-line stuff seems to have been taken care of, so I guess I'll get down to what I thought of the plotline so far.

I think the dialogue is very forced, and it seems a bit unrealistic that Christy-Ann would be pouring out her life story after a few minutes of conversation. I as also confused by many of the actions going on. I also think I agree with enchantress muffin about how the characters are relating to eachother.

In short, I think you need to work a bit on realism and dialogue. Other than that, I like the plotline so far.

PM me with questions!

This was a pretty good start, I like it for the most part. I do think that the dialogue seemed kind of forced as well as unrealistic... I really don't see Christy-Ann talking about something so personal after only knowing a guy for a few hours at the most.

Christian Parker was a senior. He was tall and had dark black hair. He was somewhat muscular and always had a smile. He was the kind of guy all the girls would want to be around. Christian was always willing to help out other people, and enjoyed his friends, girlfriends and school.

That paragraph can be improved, you started off every sentence with "He was...", try varying your sentence structure. Or you could subtly introduce Christian's personality and his appearance, you don't need to devote a whole paragraph to the description of one character.

I really hope I wasn't too harsh! I don't mean to sound mean, I'm just trying to help. I know that this story has great potential, all it needs is a little work.

Nice title, I get it, and I'm sure others will too, but...there are pests in here I have to voice.

When you wrote "typical school..." try not to use that very often. It itself sounds typical. You want Atypical, weird, something interesting...I'm probably wrong here, but I felt it sounds that way. Also, unless the freshmen are important, don't write them in. Try mentioning instead how the high school experience is breezier for upperclassmen. Considering that your protag. is a senior, what the freshmen are going through is the least of his concerns.

When you described your protag., it wasn't really that good. It was a list. Don't list, man. The list is bad, the list is evil. Lists have the worst disease ever: boredom (and trust me, for someone into comedy, boredom is the last thing you want).

The rest of this is pretty readable, good even. Some spelling errors, naturally, but otherwise not bad. However, that Christy-Ann chick sure laid some deep eshoot on Chris like that. Either she's got problems with privacy, or she's loaded. I'm not sure I like her, though. It's the protag. I like. He's got some personality, and he's not incredible. It's a nice portrayal of the male.

As I can see, you've decided on quality AND quantity. Not my style, really, but I'm sure I can dig it for now.

Keep it up. Just don't make it sappy or perfect. Romance and comedy (I think) feed on one thing: lack of perfection, most of the time, conflict. It's so marvelous because anyone can make it up, we just separate it by how much there is and how much makes the least amount of sense.

Hey there, I'll be going through all of the chapters for this story, figured I'd jump on the wagon and try to help you out a little ^.^

Obviously, from the positive crits you've recieved, your story has been well recieved with quite a few people enjoying it quite a bit. From this you can see that the story has some intrigue and a suitable amount of plot. ON this I congratulate you, to garner interest in a piece of work is difficult at times, and you have done well at it.

I have some criticisms: the main one being your word order. Throughout the story I get confused and turned around and my head begins to hurt, merely because of your word order and usage. In the quote below you repeat “began” which is confusing, as well as the fact that the girl “happened to be in none” of his classes, “happened to be”? It doesn’t really fit.

“A week after the new school year had began, a new girl began to come to Midvale High. She had long, blonde hair, and her wide blue eyes gazed around at her new environment. She too was a senior, and happened to be in none of Christian’s classes.

Christian noticed her attractiveness in her actions. She was smart, kind, and always willing to help, similar to Christian. Maybe, just maybe, she could be for me. I mean, look at her, she’s smart, beautiful, and I bet she is an awesome kisser. Christian thought as he gazed thoughtfully at her.”

Christian seems a little stuck up here, I know he isn’t meant to be the perfect boy and all, but he seems to talk himself up quite well, being “smart, kind and always willing to help”.

You also use some VERY basic sentences; I would suggest melding some into the sentence before hand:
“Christian was frowning when someone lightly tapped him on the shoulder. He turned his head and saw Christy-Ann standing beside him. He gasped.”

I also doubt very much that Christy-Ann, who obviously does not know Christian all that well, would chose to empty her soul at him about her murdered twin, considering that she has not talked about it for so long. This was odd and unrealistic.

On the whole it is a fairly okay story for one so young. Your situations and dialogue are quite cliché and more than a little unrealistic. I was told that when one is presented with a fiction they have to be able to suspend belief, ignore that faeries don’t exist and monsters don’t really live under the bed. I found it hard to suspend my belief for your fiction, despite the fact that there was nothing I should have not believed.

This has a level of potential, but I think it needs quite a bit of work, keep at it.
I hope you don’t find this too harsh, and I apologise if you do.
Any questions, rants, or hate mail? Feel free to pm me ^.^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Okay, so now i've read your first chapter...

a few critiques:

1) the dialogue seems unnatural. Maybe it's just me, but it goes from formal dialogue to slang too quickly and seems kinda clangy.

2) you'll probably want to read over your story for run-ons and tenses, as you're using present tense when it's supposed to be past and so on. I'm too lazy to put an example here. Sorry!

3) Christy's emotions toward the end kinda shift too quickly. She goes from crying a bit when telling Christian about her dead brother to being happy as she rides off with John in basically all of 2 seconds.

Your story's good. These're just some things I noticed, but overall I liked it!

A lot of dialog, very little describing. Personally I'd love to know how he tripped as he fell, and not he tripped and then after the reaction find he was in 'food waste'. Passive sentances, its a little bit of a bug for me. Telling something strongly and weakly makes a big deal when you try to capture your audience.

" Christian noticed her attractiveness in her actions. She was smart, kind, and always willing to help, similar to Christian."

Perhaps some examples would help make the reader make this conclusion and make it stronger.

" Christian showed a certain dislike for John Summers. It was always the big, muscular guys getting the girls. They also have tons of money, to spend on fancy sport cars. "

A lot of telling here. The last two sentances kill what would be an otherwise good base. If you eliminate those and connect it with John flaunting his muscles and money it would add some character to Christian.

The characters seem undeveloped, or rather undeveloped because of your tone of voice and constant 'telling' of things. We don't need to see inside their heads and know any thoughts to be able to understand their feelings and desires. Allow the reader to identify with the character rather then being told about the character.

This is a good idea, but you do a lot of telling instead of showing.

I was only laughing because of peer pressure.

This doesn't sound very realistic.

You wanted to ask me out, huh?”

would she really say that?

Samuel Turner was murdered on October 13, 1995. It was devastating me, and my parents, who are divorced right now

I don't think she would say his whole name like that 'Samuel Turner'. Did she have a nick name for him-- i think she would be more likely to say something like Sam or Sammy. And i don't think she would bring her parents into it-- about how they are divorced. She sounds like she wants Christian to feel sorry for her- but if that is what you are going for then its fine.

sorry, my computer shut off and i didn't get to finish. You did a lot of telling in the beggining but at the end i started to be more interested in your story.

You dumped a lot of information on us all at once, man. I'd suggest taking all that exposition and turning it into scenes. Show us that the freshmen are having trouble getting around, that Christian is a lady's man, and that he and Mary aren't the best of friends. This way the reader isn't just sitting through a mini-history, they're actually experiencing the story right off the bat.