Young Writers Society

When you awoke you weren't in your original old boring room. The king sized bed was no as comfy as your pull out couch, and the fancy golden wall paper was amazing compared to your chipped up purple paint in your apartment. Everything was great about the room the furniture,to the closet, and a bathroom all to yourself it was paradise.

You thought to yourself
If my room was like this imagine the whole house.

Your curiosity brought you to the long narrow hallways with portraits hung up on the walls. This mansion must of belonged to a wealthy family with a son about your age, well according to the portraits. You wandered further and further and went into random hallways and floors. You were soon lost.

It has now been an hour of you trying to get back to your room. You gave up your were tired of walking up and down stairs and through the long hallways. You sat against the wall, catching you breath. Until you heard foot steps come toward you. You were afraid but you knew that you couldn't run or hide, you barely even knew this place all you've been doing was walking through halls and climbing stairs. You just sat there with your head down.

"Lost?" the young mans voice said

"Uh huh."

"Here I'll help you get back, by the way my name is Jaden." he said offering his hand to help to get up

You took it and looked up. He was gorgeous. His dark green eyes popped out with his jet black hair and snakebites. Lets just say he was your typical emo boy, and you fell for them.

He gave you a cheeky smile.

"Thanks" you said greatly

You two took off him in front of you leading the way.

There was awkward silence which you hated a lot. You decided to break the silence and ask the question you've been dying to ask.

"Um can I ask you a question" you asked shyly

"Let me see, you want to know why you are here and if i could take you back."

I nodded "how did you know?"

"I might as well tell you now, I'm a vampire just like my cousin Marco. At certain times of the month we can read minds of the humans." he said

You now longer wanted that answer to be answered. You wanted to know why you weren't dead yet.

"You're not dead because my family only feasts on humans if we must, we prefer animals. I guess you can say were "vampire vegans" Unlike Marco. " he chuckled

You giggled inside

"Now the the reason why I took you here instead of your house is that I don't exactly know where you live, and it wouldn't be safe. Once Marco tracks you down and you get away, he'll never stop until he gets what he wants."

"What is he going to do with me if he does get me?" you asked

"A. make you his slave, but i doubt that he has plenty, B. Make you his "lover", or simply C. a meal. I won't let him so I'm demanding you to stay." he replied

You didn't want to stay, you hated change even if you get a nice house. You weren't even sure if you were able to see your friends anymore you didn't even know how far away from home you were. You had mixed emotions of what he said, you were sad but mostly angry. you knew this was for your own good but you were going to miss your old life.

"Look I'm sorry you didn't want this, but please just let my family and I keep you safe." He said giving you a sympathetic smile

You were a pretty stubborn girl and you didn't like where this was going. No matter how cute he was you weren't going to stay with some stranger and his family.

"I know you barely know me I promise we'll all know each other well by the end of this week, but for time being lets get to dinner and meet your acquaintances."

At dinner you noticed Jaden's parents were pretty young, and he had a sixteen year old younger sister. They were all very kind and generous. You didn't speak much until that is until Jaden's mother spoke.

"Jaden I think you and Lacey should get to know each other after dinner, perhaps so her your room, give her a tour just become friends."

"Okay"

So after dinner that's what we did after the house tour we went into his room which was the room to doors from mine. We sat on the balcony and chatted.

"So how old are you" Jaden asked

"nineteen, you"

"please don't be freaked out I'll explain"

You nodded

"I'm two hundred in human years and twenty in vampire years, in vampires years we age every ten human years so on vampire year is ten human years" he said

"oh"

You learned a lot about each other you had the same "crappy" taste in music and movies , it bean to grow late. You decided to go back to your room and get ready for bed. You took a shower it calmed you down from the exhausting day. When you stepped out you realized you had none of your clothes with you. Soon you heard knock on the door.

"Lacey I forgot to tell you we put some clothes in your dresser they're not the best but we'll go get yours tomorrow." Jaden said

You took out an old "The used" T-shirt and slipped on some sweat pant the T-shirt was a little over size don you.

You went back into the bathroom to dry and brush your long black hair. You brushed your bangs to the side. You took one last glance at the mirror and you saw Marcos face as you reflection!

Who interesting. I've never seen this poit of view before. Kinda takes putting the reader in the MCs shoes to another level.

I suggest reading through it yourself and look out for typos. You slipped up once:

I nodded "how did you know?"

Looks pretty cool. I like your choice of view point.

The king sized

king-size would say better

room the furniture,to the closet

furniture, to

mansion must of belonged

mansion must have or must've

You gave up your were tired

You gave up, you're tired
or
You gave up, you were tired

couldn't run or hide, you barely even knew

hide;

"Lost?" the young

"Lost?" The

"Uh huh."

"Uh-huh."

name is Jaden." he said

Jaden." He

Thanks" you said

Thanks." You

said greatly

Period at the end of the sentence

You two took off him in front of you leading the way.

You two took off, him

"Um can

Um...
-or-
Um

and if i could

I

nodded "how

nodded, "How

you now, I'm

you now; I'm

." he said

" He

"vampire vegans"

'vampire vegans'

Unlike Marco. " he chuckled

" He

"Now the the reason why

Now the reason

me?" you

me?" You

you asked

period

"A. make you his slave, but i doubt that he has plenty, B. Make you his "lover", or simply C. a meal. I won't let him so I'm demanding you to stay." he replied

A: .... but I
B: ....
C:

to stay, you

stay; you

what he said, you were sad

he said; you

angry. you knew

. You

sympathetic smile

peroid

barely know me I promise we'll

barely know me; I

pretty young,

How Young? This would give the reader a good idea about how young they are, and how out of the normal-zone this is for the reader.

sixteen year old

sixteen-year-old

much until that is until Jaden's

much until Jaden's
-or-
much, that is until

"Jaden I think

Jaden,

perhaps so her your room

perhaps so your room
-or-
perhaps so her room

room, give her

room or give

so her your room, give her a tour just become friends."

This does't really make sense together.

"Okay"

"Okay."

what we did after the house

did, after

which was the room to doors from mine

confusing re-word

"So how old are you" Jaden asked

you?"
asked.

"nineteen, you"

"Nineteen, you?"

"please don't be freaked out I'll explain"

"Please, don't be freaked out, I'll explain."

You nodded

period

in vampires years we age every ten human years so on vampire year is ten human years" he said

in vampire-years, we age every ten human-years, so one vampire years if ten human-years." He said.

"oh"

period

late. You decided

late, you

shower it calmed you down

shower, it
-or-
shower and it

"Lacey I forgot to

Lacey,

dresser they're not the best

dresser, they're

Jaden said

period

sweat pant the T-shirt was a little over size don you.

sweat pants, the T-shirt was a little over sized on you.

Marcos face as you reflection!

Marco's

You have a good start here, with a little more editing you could have a very good story. Some things that I noticed: make sure you stay in the second person POV (You) it sliped into third person a few times. Another thing: make sure you check all the pucutations, you left off some periods and come Caps.

Once again I find it intresting you chose 2nd person POV, it give the story an intresting twist.

I love the ending line, it's great. It's a cliff hanger that the reader will enjoy, and it raises a lot of questioins, so that was very, very good, because the ending of a chapter can make or break you. If the ending is so-so the reader may not turn the page at once, and continue on. So well done, I look foward to see the third installment.

LP

Agree with Lady P. but i am starting to dig it. please conuynie

You went from first to second point of view?? Wow that's hard to do. I liked this better than chapter one. It's even more interesting. I can't wait to read more. Sorry I don't have much to say I don't have time to completely crit this piece.

well for me as a guy i dident like the 2nd person "view" very much cuse i have a hard time imagining my self as a girl. but thats just me. also i would find it really hard to write that way but the fact that you can is really cool and unice i havent ever seen a story written this way i think ever. i like the story. you have a thouly unice way of writing and its fun to look at things in another way. also i think i might have a most times unseen view of the female phycye (or however you spell it) by all means please continue. also i think u missed a chance to give in some side sotry, more background, or a forsight into a twist, villian, ally, ect. when they were at dinner theres a chance for some dialuge and it could really help boost the chariters alot.

again, the ssame punctuation mistakes.
but this chapter was more interesting than the first one.
most of your speliing and puntuation errors have been ponted out by Lady Pirate, but I would like to correct something:

Everything was great about the room, from the furniture to the closet, andthere is even a bathroom all to yourself. it was paradise.

i noticed that once, you slipped and wrote 'I' instead of 'you':
I nodded "how did you know?"

maybe you would like to read through your chapter after you have completed it, to check for any mistakes you have made previously.

like it. will read another chapters too.