Young Writers Society

Jamie lowered the Windex slowly, “Hi.”
Edna walked over to the counter, “Forrest lives next door. He’s been helping me around the house for the past few months. So he’ll be around.”
“That’s so sweet,” Jamie said. So that explains why the garden is so nice, she thought.
Edna smiled, then went back upstairs.
Awkward Silence coated the air as Jamie scanned Forrest. He was tall and thin with eyes like rain and a brown mess which sat atop his pale face. He wore a light blue polo with dark blue stripes and khaki pants, which fit him well. He looked at her through thick black rectangular glasses. Even though she knew labels were bad, Jamie couldn’t help but stamp a big fat sign on him that yelled, “geek,” whenever someone walked by.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for my mother. Really...thank you.”
Forrest smiled, “I’ve really enjoyed helping her out and getting to know her. She‘s very spirited. I’ve come to admire her. ”
Jamie smiled, awkwardly, back, “Well, I should finish these dishes. I'll see you later.”
“Um...”
Jamie realized she still had the Windex and handed it to him, “Sorry.”
He nodded and left the room.
Jamie turned back to her dishes. Holding her breath and shutting her eyes tight, she tried to hold back the tears, but she couldn’t hold her breath forever. When she finally exhaled, out poured all her bottled up guilt.

Later Jamie and her mom sat down to watch television, when her phone rang. Jamie reached into her purse and felt around until the buttons grazed her fingers.
Flipping it open she asked, “Hello?”
“Jamie!” Chantal screamed, “I’m so glad you answered. Guess what?”
“What?” Jamie asked, eyebrows scrunched in speculation.
“We’re not in Miami!”
“You’re not? Then where are you?”
“The city of love.”
“You’re in Rome?”
“No, the city of love!”
Jamie was puzzled, “Rome is the city of love, Chantal.”
There was a pause.
“Oh...then what’s Paris?”
“Paris is the city of light.”
“Oh, then we’re in the city of light.”
Jamie chuckled, “Randy took you to Paris? That’s so sweet.”
“And...I know you can’t see it, but there’s a big fat diamond sitting on my ring finger right now.”
Jamie beamed, “He did not...”
“He did! I’m so excited. As soon as I get back you, me, and Brenna have to plan the wedding of a lifetime, girl! Well, I have to go now. Randy’s taking me to a fancy restaurant tonight. Bye.”
“Bye,” Jamie said, closing the phone, smile wide.
“And who was that?” Edna asked, pushing the mute button.
“That was my best friend, Chantal. Her boyfriend was supposed to have taken her to Miami, but he took her to Paris instead…and the proposed!” Jamie, sighed, “If only I could find a love like that.”
“You will, honey.”
Jamie shook her head.
Edna frowned, “Of course, you will. I did.”
“Mom, in case you don’t remember one minor detail…dad left seven years ago.”
Edna rolled her eyes, “I may be sick, but I’ve still got my memory.”
“Then what are you talking about?” Jamie asked, falling back into the couch cushions.
“When we were young…and in love.” Edna smiled and got up. She went over to the bookcase and grabbed a book from the top shelf. After blowing the dust off, she handed it to Jamie. “Look through it and you’ll see.”
Jamie flipped through the fragile pages in the old scrapbook. She saw a young, vigorous Edna clinging to a handsome, starry-eyed Jack. Her mother looked so happy, and healthy, gazing into her father’s eyes. Their wedding pictures were just as blissful as the others. Both of her parents were smiling in just about every picture, and not that fake camera smile, but a wide, genuinely happy one. Edna was right, they were in love. Jamie scrunched her face and looked up, “What happened?”
Edna shrugged her shoulders, “Life happened. As time went on we experienced new trials like debt and lust. Our love fell apart as we changed directions. It happens.” Edna smiled softly, “What you need to understand, and in time you will, is that everyone gives and receives love at some point in their life. The question is: with whom and for how long?”

I really like this chapter. The only thing I would suggest is, besides a few minor punctuation errors, I would think Edna would be a bit more upset about her illness than just the "Yeah, I'm sick-duh!" attitude. Perhaps she might show some emotion, along with Jamie. I also didn't like the characterization of Forrest. I think I'm predicting what's going to happen, but for some reason, the scene with Forrest was too rushed. I'd draw it out a little more, perhaps noting their impressions of one another, not just Jamie's impression of Forrest.

Just some suggestions. Good luck, and hope you write more! I love this story!

This part was very nice and I'm glad you took the time to describe Forrest though he's certainly not what I expected. Just a few poits to make on this one...

Jamie smiled back, “Yeah, she is, isn’t she? Well, I should finish these dishes. I see you later.” I think you mean I'll see you later rather than I see you later.

She went over to the bookcase a grabbed a book from the top shelf. And grabbed a book instead of a grabbed a book.

Other than that well written and interesting.

Hey again-again, KiteRide!

Another grand section- I really do love Chantal. She's sweet, but a bit of a ditz...a well-developed ditz, that is. Forrest is a heavy bit of foreshadowing, but that's okay. It'd be a nice thing if it all worked out.

THE-THING-IN-THE-CORNER SYNDROME: Your characters seem to be very, very forward with current issues going on in their lives- however, people in real life often suffer from what I like to call The Thing in the Corner Syndrome. That means we like to step around our problems.

Usually, we're kind of in denial about things like cancer. That's why it kind of sucks to have such a disease- most people are going to look at you funny and be uncomfortable around you simply because they're not quite sure what's happening. It's one of those "ooh, yuck" topics that everyone loves to avoid, and that's reflected in conversation.

One of the perks of being an author is you get to flaunt human behavior. Make Forrest and Jamie be a little more guarded on the subject- Forrest blatantly declaring that she's chipper for being sick wouldn't be right without a few awkward glares and stutter.

SHOW, DON'T TELL: I personally thought that you passed up a very good opportunity for a scene when you didn't describe what was in the scrapbook. How does Jamie deduce that they were in love? With pictures? Love letters?

Readers are nosy about the documents in characters' lives- they're an added peek into their lives that-even though it's a bit of a scam from the author's perspective- seems like a secret.

___

Another grand section! Post the next one, please?

Awkward Silence coated

I'm fairly certain silence shouldn't be capatalized.


Plot:

As sam said, serious forshadowing with Forest. He's the mom's helper and the daughter came back. Love waiting to happen. The questions are, when, how, and what are they going to go through first? Change those up enough to add some variety and your readers will forgive you for Forest. =D

Characters: [who I can sense having a huge part in the book]

Jamie- Obviousely the main one right? The Good: She has a huge potential of being the kind of character that will embed herself in the hearts of many, it's all up to you on how you make her do that. The Bad: She has close to no emotion. Her friend is engaged! At right about that moment she should be feeling anxtious, excited, jealous, and happy all at once. Your job as a writer is to show us that with her actions, her dialouge (the way she talks, not actual words), and a few thoughts appropriate for third person.


Forest- He seems nice enough. He helps women with cancer, probably good in school. There needs to be something wrong with him though. Nobody's perfect, even in love.

The Mom- Same thing as Jamie, she shows close to no emotion. Cancer is a huge deal, my grandmother died of it, and though she tried to make the most of it she couldn't always be strong. You might want to change it so that she tries to seem strong for Jamie, but have Jamie catch her crying at night or something like that, to add another layer of drama and emotion.

___________

This was great, just as the previous ones were. Keep it up, this has great potential!

-JC

it's good. i hope you put up another piece soon.

I'm really enjoying reading this!

There weren't that many visible mistakes that have not been pointed out already, so well done. My real crit is exactly what Sam and JC have already pointed out and what I said in my last crit.

At the moment the mother situation just isn't working very well. What kind of Cancer is it and what treatment is she having? No matter how chirpy and upbeat she seems the treatment will be taking an affect and she should have moments of drowsiness and depression. Ups and Downs.

Can't wait for more!
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxxxx

Oooh, this is good. I liked it, too. It seems your story is going along great. Other people got the mistakes and stuff so I'm not gonna do that. Can't wait to read more.

Keep writing

*Foreseer*

Ive read all three chapters and have to say that it is interesting and I can't wait to read more. I like Jamie's character...she reminds me of a lot of my friends who are so convinced that they aren't going to find love but find themselves ten years down the road with no one but themselves. Keep writing.