Young Writers Society

James was breathing heavily, his breath fogging up the window of the tiny room. It had been a close call, one small movement had caught her eye, she was perceptive, wonderful.

He opened the door and peered out looking for any signs of life, but there was nothing but the small breeze that blew the leaves of his concealing bush. He stepped out slowly and carefully, making sure he left no footprints, the groundskeeper was very particular about his flowerbeds and he was already irritated with Jacob's motorbike.

The thought turned his mind to the owner of that bike. Jacob. The boy that fought for Rebecca's heart, but she didn't seem interested, but then again, what did he know? Jacob's new bike had forced her to show interest, everyone else did, and she was one of the highest regarded, if she didn't do something no one did it. But she was too kind to abuse that, so she ended up going to all the demonstrations and parties that everyone wanted to go to, resulting in a rather busy social life.

James snickered, he was using that to his advantage, first seeing what she was like with the people, and then working out how to win her. Any where she was, he went.

"James!"

He stopped in his tracks, turned, and groaned to himself. One of the other maids was coming towards him, smiling seductively and flirting ferociously.

"Hi, um..." He could never remember their names.

"Nancy," she said patiently, "where have you been honey? I've missed you."

She sidled up to him and tried to get her arms around him. He backed off.

"Look, um, Nancy. I'm sure you're a great girl but..." But he didn't need to continue, all the girls had heard the line, and they all expected it, but Nancy still burst into tears.

"I thought," she sniffed, "you loved me!" the last words came out as a wail.

James rolled his eyes, he was used to it, all the girls expected some sort of miracle, that he would fall in love with them, that they would be married, run away together, all the other things that the old MGM movies they watched in the weekends seemed to take for granted.

"Look darling," he had said this speech a million times before, "I'm a future lord, you are a maid, it's as simple as that." Well, he'd certainly never get an award for tact, and he knew it.

The girl looked up at him with tearful eyes, and smiled shakily.

"I'll be strong, it was wrong of me to dream," she was breathing heavily, and the words came out in spite, every word laced with venom, "I'm sorry, I'll go back to my little life without a care. Just forget me, like you forgot all the rest, I don't care."

James walked away and left her there to cry. He wouldn't care, she was a play thing, that was all. He had learnt not to get attached. His mind was already away from the encounter and back on his prey, this was what he needed to concentrate on, his task.

He looked back at the demonstration, but she was already gone, the groundskeeper was yelling at Jacob, and the crowd had dispersed. He glanced around, his eyes flicking from face to face, resting on each one, trying to find her. his eyes rested on one girl, a brunette, blue eyed, well-formed. His appreciative eyes ran down her figure and rested on her seductive breasts and shapely hips. He had never been with this girl, but he knew her from somewhere.

Then it clicked, he'd seen her with Rebecca, she seemed to be a friend. She could be the lever he needed. It would be easy to get at her, she looked like all the other girls that he had seduced, naive, looking for their perfect match, he would give it to her, at least for a while. But before going all the way, he would tell her, he just wanted a friend, and was looking for someone different, then ask about her friend, Rebecca.

He sniggered to himself and started towards her, intent on his goal.

but there was nothing but the small breeze

Using but in such close proximety can confuze the reader, or at least make them pause in their reading, like deja vu. You can take out the first but, and still get the same effect with one less word and a better flow! =D

leaves of his concealing bush.

This is awkward wording, I know what you mean by concealing bush. Don't be afraid to be obvious, and say something like the bush that concealed (or hid) him. Or the bush he was hiding in (behind, or wherever). You don't have to mix up words to sound smart, it's just confuzing to most readers.

if she didn't do something no one did it

'it' is unneccesarry. Like in the first example, you can take out that word and get the same effect.

He had learnt

This is just gramatically wrong. First of all, he had [insert past tense word] is a really bad way to get your point across. Second, the word learnt...it's just...it sounds bad to me. You can replace this sentece with something like,
"he learned never to..."
or
"he knew better than to..."



Improvements:
It seems a bit like you're trying too hard to impress somebody with your writing. Stories that have a consitant and flowing voice are more impressive, and actually easier to write.
Some of it was a little harder to get through in the beginning, just because of some awkward wording which made me have to stop to understand some things.

Advice:
Take it easy, write because you love writing, and more importantly, write for yourself. Don't worry about what the reader is going to think, it's your story, and while you're writing it nobody else's opinion should matter.
Take your favorite book, your favorite author, and think about why they're your favorite. What do they do in their writing that captures you? Try it out, write a short story, or even just a page, mimiking their style, and then alter it to fit your personal writing style. Think about what they're doing that you aren't. I'm not saying copy somebody, I'm saying look at people who have succeded in the past, and learn from them.

Well, that's all I can say for now. On a storyline view of this, it was good, but there wasn't enough for me to know much about it. Keep it up!!!! You're doing good.

-JC