Young Writers Society

Sunshine poured through the windows into the long, empty corridor. Flowers hung from baskets along the beams, while creepers crawled up the trellace. A cat slunk along the edge of the wall keeping to the shadows, a predator in its prime. It stopped suddenly and turned it's head towards the door at the end of the passage, then darted away as it opened.

A young woman carrying a bundle of clothing was pushing it open with her elbow, as she couldn't get her hands free. Having re-adjusted the clothes she reached out with one of her slender hands and closed the door behind her. She looked around and started to walk, her footsteps echoing round the corridor.

Rebecca James was continuing her families line of lady's maids and manservants at Stewart manor by becoming the lord's daughter's personal servant. Her mother had trained her for years and she wasn't going to make a mess of it, but the work load was enormous. Every day she had to clothe her mistress at least three times, follow her mistress everywhere she went, prepare her mistress for any visitors, eat when her mistress ate, sleep when her mistress slept, talk when her mistress wanted her to, the list went on. In the 21st century it was a lot harder then it seemed as her mistress tended to go places forbidden to her. Rebecca loved her mistress and loved working with her, but she wasn't sure if she should encourage her or deter her from her mischievious ways.

Rebecca sighed as she walked, why just the other day her mistress had ridden out under the pretence of going for a ride around the estate, but as they had headed out she had suddenly kicked her horse into a gallop and rode out the gate down to the local pony club to lose the horses then raced towards the closest market. Rebecca had been forced to watch helplessly, if a little happily, as her mistress went around the stalls buying anything that caught her eye.

This was one of those few times that she was allowed to do things for herself, her mistress was being tutored in her room and she was free to do as she liked around the manor. Unfortunately these times were almost completely taken up by her own personel chores and she had little time to indulge. But her chores were almost done and she was soon going to be out in the sun if only for a little while.

She continued down the hall, stopping at times to adjust her bundle, until she came to a door near the end. Reaching out again, she knocked on the door and called out.
"Margie!"
"What?"
"I've got some more work for you!"

The door was opened and another young woman poked her head out. When she saw what she'd been brought she stuck out her tongue and opened the door wider.

"Typical," she moaned,"just as I'm finishing up, you come in and dump me with more darn washing."

Rebecca giggled,"Margie, you know you're always my last stop on these days. Listen, Jacob's got the new motorbike he was bragging about, if you hurry up we might be able to get down to the shed in time for the big demonstration."

"Well, you've got to help," Margie replied,"otherwise I won't get it done and we'll both miss out."

Rebecca held her washing out and Margie started to sort it into piles while she talked.

"So what type of bike is it?"
"How am I suppossed to know, I'm no expert."
"I thought he would have been telling you everything, you know how he's always pawing after you."
"You don't mean that surely!"
"Oh come on, everyone sees it, don't you."
"I suppose so, but I can't say I return the feeling."
"Oh, I would, he's gorgeous."
"You're welcome to him."
"Can you introduce me?"
"Margie, he knows who you are!"
"Yeah, but, well..."
"Oh come on. Hey! Make sure you're watching what you're doing."

Margie looked down, she'd completely mucked up her piles, whites were mixed with darks and everything was a mess.
"Oh.."

Rebecca no longer had a bundle in her hands so she started to re-sort the piles.
"Alright, I'll introduce you properly to him, but come on, we need to hurry."

Together the girls tidied the mess up and put a load into the washing machine.
"Right, let's go!"

They raced out of the room heading towards the gardens.

This is just the start, there's more to come.

In that lat conversation... Who was who exactly?
Was maggie the one with a guy after her? or was it rebecca? And read through I've spotted HEAPS of simple mistakes.

Not my style of story, but I'm sure there are people who would enjoy it. Remember, you dont have to explain EVERYTHING in the first part.

Good start to the story. You need to make it more clear about who's talking. Aslo i would suggest using less exclaimation points because with over use they tend to reduce its emotion. You should be able to convey your emotion without exclaimation points. Other than some simple mistakes you did good.

#Queen of the Pirates#

I like it. There are a few punctuation mistakes and capitalization mistakes, but I like the plot. There are a few things I'd like to point out personally, though...

#1:

...Stewart manor...

I was wondering if you meant to spell it "Stewart" or if you meant to spell it "Stuart"? The second is the spelling-correct way, but hey, this is fiction. You can spell it however you want

#2:
You start off sounding like you're in the 19th- or 20th-century (example: "Rebecca had been forced to watch helplessly, if a little happily, as her mistress went around the stalls buying anything that caught her eye." 'Stalls' is usually used in an earlier time period than the 21st-century. Unless she's at a mall and there are stalls inside (though I doubt that's what you were trying to convey).). And then there's the whole "ride" thing. Horses wouldn't be ridden into town in the 21st-century (unless that's some New Zealandish thing (no offense) that I'm not aware of)

Work on character development a little bit and tell us more about Jacob in the next part. He sounds like an interesting character with his motorcycle and "big demonstration."