Young Writers Society

Hey everybody!! finally going to get it on!!! but this one's really short so i could use some help!


Chapter Three-Dinner

"How was your day dear?" Mia's father,Mr.Smith, askedas the family sat down for dinner.
"Fine thank you."Mia replied trying not to get into to much detail.
If my parents find out about my meeting with Danny at the library they'll kill me, Mia thought as she helped herself to a second roll. Mia was still confused though, she had heard her parents say so many times before, that the poorer people were rude, had no manners and allways caused trouble; but Danny had seemed so sweet and gentle, and he did have manners, well it seemed like it. He had said 'Thank you' didn't he?
The hour-period of time that dinner consumed seemed to last for days and Mia was relieved when it was over and she ad the permission to excuse herself and go to her room. Once locked in her peaceful room Mia had the time to think things over. She was so confused, thankfully no one made her reveal her whole story.

CandyVille wrote:Hey everybody!! finally going to get it on!!! but this one's really short so i could use some help!


Chapter Three-Dinner

"How was your day dear?" Mia's father, Mr.Smith, asked as the family sat down for dinner.
"Fine thank you."Mia replied trying not to get into too much detail.
If my parents find out about my meeting with Danny at the library they'll kill me, Mia thought as she helped herself to a second roll. Mia was still confused though, she had heard her parents say so many times before, that the poorer people were rude, had no manners and allways caused trouble; but Danny had seemed so sweet and gentle, and he did have manners, well it seemed like it. He had said 'Thank you' didn't he?
The hour-period of time that dinner consumed seemed to last for days and Mia was relieved when it was over and she ad the permission to excuse herself and go to her room. Once locked in her peaceful room Mia had the time to think things over. She was so confused, thankfully no one made her reveal her whole story.

I didn't bother higlighting, but you forgot a few spaces and spelled too as to. Other than that, I'm off to read the next one. It's short, yes, but good, it shows her inner thoughts and her parents beliefs.
Great Job!
Pandora

CandyVille wrote:Hey everybody!! finally going to get it on!!! but this one's really short so i could use some help!


Chapter Three-Dinner

"How was your day dear?" Mia's father, Mr.Smith, asked as the family sat down for dinner.
"Fine thank you."Mia replied trying not to get into too much detail.
If my parents find out about my meeting with Danny at the library they'll kill me, Mia thought as she helped herself to a second roll. Mia was still confused though, she had heard her parents say so many times before, that the poorer people were rude, had no manners and allways caused trouble; but Danny had seemed so sweet and gentle, and he did have manners, well it seemed like it. He had said 'Thank you' didn't he?
The hour-period of time that dinner consumed seemed to last for days and Mia was relieved when it was over and she ad the permission to excuse herself and go to her room. Once locked in her peaceful room Mia had the time to think things over. She was so confused, thankfully no one made her reveal her whole story.

I didn't bother higlighting, but you forgot a few spaces and spelled too as to. Other than that, I'm off to read the next one. It's short, yes, but good, it shows her inner thoughts and her parents beliefs.
Great Job!
Pandora

thanks! i appretiate ur suggestions and i'll get toto work on it