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(No Title Yet) - Chap. 1, Part 1



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Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:35 am
WaitingForLife says...



17th century - Campania, Italy
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Raul opened his eyes to the warm greeting of a new day. The open window spilled in the noises of the street below; an early shopkeeper was busy rattling in his fresh wares on a crickety wagon and children could be heard running around and shrieking to one another. Women chatted from their respective balconies and, judging by the dull metallic thuds, constructions had been started on the neighboring house. The shopkeeper shouted an angry oath as the children apparently got in the way. They merely laughed and called him many colorful names until the sharp crack of a whip sent them scurrying off, still laughing.

Raul smiled a lazy smile. He breathed in the dusty air of the city, rolling around the scent of blooming flowers in his mouth, and burrowed deeper into his pillow, determined not to wake up just yet. The slender shape at his side stirred and Elise poked her head out from underneath the covers, nestling her head on Raul's chest. Raul stretched an arm around her and she made a small, content sound in her throat. Her dark hair splayed on Raul's bare chest, and tickled when she moved closer. Raul gave a quiet chuckle and Elise turned her big, green eyes on him questioningly.

”Just thinking how lucky I am,” Raul whispered, stroking her hair.

Elise grinned and swatted him playfully. ”Idiot.”

Raul tried to fake a surprised expression, but ended up grinning back. Elise had such a contagious smile. He pushed her down and kissed her deeply. She kept on grinning. Raul waggled his tongue at her, causing her to giggle. He leaned back down, but Elise pushed him back gently, laughing at his expression.

”You should leave before padre comes back.”

Raul let his lower lip droop. ”Do I have to?”

”You know he'd throw a fit if he saw us like this. He's so overprotective it's annoying. I mean, we're adults for crying outloud! Nineteen summers I have spent under his close scrutiny, not allowed to go anywhere without his consent! I swear he doesn't want me to ever marry. In fact-”

Raul held a finger to her lips to shush her. ”Yes, yes, star-gaze. I know, I know. I'll leave in just a moment; it's not even that late yet. He shouldn't be home for some time, so now just lay still and let me rest my eyes for a while,” he said with a smile.

Elise willingly settled down half on top of him. They lay there unmoving for a moment, before Elise broke the warm silence.

”Star-gaze? That's new,” she teased.

”Well, I am a bit ashamed of using it, as it doesn't really do you justice. Though the stars are proud to carry your name,” Raul replied.

A sly smile brightened her face. ”Oh, are they now?”

”They are indeed. They told me so just the other night, and, believe it or not, they actually came up with 'star-gaze', not me,” Raul managed to say with a straight face.

”My, my, did they now? I am speechless to say the least!” Elise's expression was one of so pure shock it had to be fake. Raul saw the faint blush on her cheeks though, despite her best efforts to conceal it. He smiled.

”You better be.”

”Oh, I am, most truly!”

Bene," Raul chuckled, "but as it seems I won't be getting any more rest, I think I'll make the smart move and not leave at the last moment and scramble down the window like last time." He sat up and pulled on his breeches.

Elise laughed at the memory and nodded. She sat up in the bed and stretched luxuriously, enjoying the promise of warmth in the day's air. She caught Raul looking at her and stuck her tongue out at him, pulling her shift closer around her body, which invited a rougish grin from Raul. He walked to the basin at the other end of the room, past Elise's stout writing desk and the exaggerated painting of her grandfather, and splashed water onto his face, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

He looked up at the mirror and met his own dark eyes in the reflection. His broken nose was mending nicely; it had been caused by an accident in the training yard with his friend, Ceville. He had shrugged at Ceville's worry when the pommel of his sword had hit Raul in the face, deeming that it was his fault for not dodging.

The bright red hair that was inheritant in his family was in complete disarray, as per usual. Red hair was such an unusual sight in Campania that it had earned his family the surname Rossi, which served to amuse many new aquantainces. Raul ruffled it around ruefully and grinned at his reflection. Not too shabby.

Elise's arms snaked around him and he laid his hands on top of hers automatically.

”It's a shame we have to steal time to be together. I'd just want to be able to be with you whenever I want to. Is that too much to ask?” She sighed into his back.

Raul lifted her hands to his lips before turning around and meeting her helpless gaze.

”It seems it is, for now at least. I, for one, am grateful for even the short times we get to spend together,” he said, winning a small smile from Elise.

Just then there was a thump downstairs as the front door was closed. A grunt echoed up the stairs as a pair of heavy footfalls ventured further into the building.

”Elise? Are you home?” a gruff voice called out in English.

Elise met Raul's eyes in panic.

”Elise?” her father called again.

Raul nudged her and she shouted down, in English: ”Yes, father. I'm in my room!”

Raul broke their embrace and hurriedly gathered up his shirt, pulling on his boots at the same time. He pulled the shirt over his head and Elise helped him tie the linen chords at the chest. Raul threw his green doublet over his shoulder and retrieved his feathered cap from a bed post. He scanned the room once, to make sure he wasn't missing something, before sweeping Elise off her feet and kissing her.

”It seems I must take the improvised route down again. I'll try to be as discreet as possible,” he promised as soon as he broke the kiss. They could hear John Curtis climbing up the stairs. Raul undid the latch on the window and clambered out onto the roof.

”Try not to fall, alright?”

”I'll do my best," he winked, "'Till we meet again.”

He watched Elise close up the window and hurry to tidy her room for her father's inspection. He shrugged once, smiling, and moved to the far side of the roof, stepping lightly. The Curtis' neighbor's wife, Maria, raised her eyebrow at him from her perch on their balcony. Raul grinned at her and raised a finger to his lips. Maria gave him a knowing smile and a shooing motion.

Raul nodded, sincerely grateful, and crept to the edge of the roof. It was a three-meter drop onto a paved road. He slid over the lip on his belly and hung on with one hand, the other still holding the doublet. Aiming for a pile of clothes a merchant had put out, he let go and plummeted through the air, landing hard enough to knock the air out of him. Raul scrambled onto his feet and fled the raised shouts from inside the shop. He ran a small way, through an alley and down a busy street, until he was sure no-one was chasing him. Then he slowed down to a casual walk, ignoring the sweat dripping down his back. He slung the doublet over his shoulder once more and strolled through the narrow walk-ways, calling greetings to people he knew. He turned a corner that he knew lead onto the main street.
Last edited by WaitingForLife on Tue Jul 19, 2011 8:37 am, edited 2 times in total.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:31 pm
medievalwriter says...



Hello :D
I'm Sean and I'm pleased to give this work the first review. :)

First off, I thought this was an amazing piece of writing. I enjoyed the descriptions of the market in the first two paragraphs, it really helped the city to come alive and seem more dynamic. Your description of the characters was also pleasing gave a good impression of both their physical and also personal qualities. The only chink in your description was the room. I'd have liked to have an image of the room (furniture, the bed, the floor, etc), but then again that might bog down the story, so I'll leave it as a suggestion.

As far as the plot goes I can't say much since I don't have much to go on at the moment; not a bad thing since you obviously intend to continue this. I'm guessing that Raul has some sort of miliatary background since he is able to traverse the rooftops and escape from Elise's father?

Outside of this I don't think I have any suggestions. Perhaps longer posts just so readers can get a more complete idea of the story? Again, you don't have to follow this, it's just me wanting to read more :P

Overall a great piece of writing; got descriptions, characters and a nice feel. Keep it up. :)

*Sean
Hwær cwom mearg? Hwær cwom mago?
Hwær cwom maþþumgyfa?
Hwær cwom symbla gesetu?
Hwær sindon seledreamas?
  





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Sun Jul 17, 2011 6:04 pm
PaulClover says...



Paul here! (cue dramatic music)

I really liked the writing here, which is good because they're really isn't that much in the way of plot besides building up the two characters and establishing the setting. The only problem I spotted with that is there isn't any indication exactly how old the two lovers are. I'm guessing they're teenagers, but I'm not quite sure.

Anyway, the one "specific" critique I find was...

Maria gave him a knowing smile and a shooing motion; this wasn't the first time Raul had had to use this means of exit.


That last part isn't really necessary, since you already told us about that. It feels a bit redundant.

But that's all I could really find in the way of criticism. I'm having a hard time getting a grasp of what the story is about, though since this is CHAPTER ONE, PART ONE, there's really no way to fault you for that; so all I can say is "more please" ;)
Remember your name. Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. - Neil Gaiman
  








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