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Broken But Not Crushed ~Chapter 5



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Mon Dec 20, 2010 1:54 am
d@ydre@mer27 says...



Chapter 5
I'm working on Chapter 6 right now since I have a lot of extra time tonight....hopefully it'll be up before tomorrow! -day

Just then as Liesabet was nearing her turn in line she saw a familiar face emerge from amongst the crowd. Her eyes widened and she called out her mother's name. She saw her mother turn and for a brief instant their eyes met and her mother smiled weakly before she was jerked around to face the officer who glanced at her face and shoved her down the middle line. Liesabet panicked, why was she in the sick line? Her mother wasn't sick. She glanced about wildly at the people around her but no one paid any heed to the slim girl in her nightgown.

"Mutter!!", she yelled but her mother was once again enveloped in the mass of humanity.

When her turn came she was quickly passed to the right without a second glance and found herself next to a sobbing woman who rocked back and forth on her heels, wailing and muttering prayers to the grey skies. Liesabet felt a crushing sense of loneliness though she was surrounded and pressed on from all sides. She looked down at her feet which were beginning to burn as they slowly froze in the freezing muck that lay everywhere on the ground. Her nightgown was filthy and stained and her hair straggled from her simple bun. She began to stomp her feet to fight the pain and the chills as the procession neared the end.

When the last poor soul had been assigned to his group the officer waved his hand to the guards who gathered the line in the middle and pushed them roughly back out the gates they had just entered. Being made up of mostly the elderly it was a slow process and the soldiers took pleasure in inflicting pain in the form of a baton to any that stumbled or slowed.

Crying arose from their loved ones as they rounded the fence and began walking along the length of the camp towards a small embankment. Liesabet's hand jerked to her mouth and she attempted to hold back her sobbing for fear of the guards who closed the gates once again and turned their attention back to the remaining two groups.

The men were marched to one of the main buildings that Liesabet could now see was sectioned off along with its own assembly of barracks with more fences and gates. Behind them she could see other men, already imprisoned, milling about. Most bore blank stares on their gaunt faces as they gazed at the newcomers. Many of them were skin and bone, their ragged and dirty clothes merely hanging off their figures. It was a horrible sight.

"Aufmerksamkeit jüdischen huren!, a soldier spat, auf diese Weise!"(this way)

Shocked into silence most followed the guards without a fight to the right, through a gate similar to the one on the men's side and towards a large brick building where many guards stood waiting outside. In the background Liesabet could still hear the sounds of the baby crying for his mother atop the pile of dirt. It broke her heart and she could help it as fresh tears poured down her face. Such an innocent life thrown away as if it simply didn't matter.

The women were marched through the double doors of the building and herded into a large room where several men in prisoner's uniforms sat behind desks all lined up in a row. They were forced to file past and give up their names, valuables such as watches and earrings, and lastly in full view of all the male guards assembled, their clothing. Those who did not comply had their clothes simply torn from their backs and were given a beating for good measure. Much shouting and screaming ensued which echoed off of the stark gray, concrete walls. The guards seemed to take great pleasure in seeing so many women naked and many laughed and pointed degradingly.

Liesabet had never felt so humiliated in her life as she slowly stripped out of her nightgown and stood stark naked like the day she was born in front of the men. Tears slipped down her cheeks which burned crimson with embarrassment as she tried to conceal herself. She and the others were pushed down a hallway leading to another room, identical in size and shape although this time numerous showerheads protruded from the ceiling and the floors sloped in towards the middle, leading to a large covered drain pipe.

As the women were herded in in groups the water came on and Liesabet found herself directly under a blasting stream of startlingly frigid water. Yelps of surprise could be heard from about the room as they danced under the showers trying to avoid the spray. Twenty or thirty seconds later the water abruptly stopped and could be heard trickling down the drainage pipes. Once again the guards assumed command and proceeded to press the group out of the room and into yet another area which contained three large piles of clothing items; jackets and coats, dresses, and shoes.

There was a mad dash as the women broke away from eachother and ran screaming to the piles, hurrying to claim the best items first. Liesabet followed suit, knowing the consequences if she did not. She managed to elbow her way through the frenzied women and grab a raggedy man's suit coat that was several sizes too large but had enough to keep herself sufficiently warm. Next she nabbed a wrinkled and stained green dress and a mismatched pair of men's boots.

She hurried to yank them on before they were eiether snatched away or the guards forced them out of the room to make space for the next group. The latter happened first and she was pushed along as she hopped on one foot, forcing her other into a boot.

Down one more hallway and they were shoved out an open door into the outside. Many of the women began to shake as the cold air swept around their wet and barely covered bodies. Ahead of them they could see a gate and behind it lay the women's barracks. But off to the side one more dismal act was waiting to be preformed.

Three folding metal tables were erected end to end and manned by a similar number of guards. In one hand they held a pen and on the table sat several inkwells. Liesabet was confused until the first three victims were separated from the group and shoved to the table where their arms were outstretched and held down. The guards with the pens then proceeded to gouge something into their forearms as they were held down screaming in agony.

Liesabet felt bile rise to the back of her throat once again and she turned away from the horrid sight, unable to watch. The women around her were just as in shock as she and many were starting to cry and become quite anxious as they jostled about together trying to position themselves away from the front of the line.

When the first three women were finished they were shoved sobbing and holding their bleeding arms past a short fat woman guard with a pudgy nose who held a bucket in her arms and as they passed she scattered a handful of the grainy white contents over each.

They were then passed through the opened gate ahead and gathered into another group beside the barracks to wait for the others.

Liesabet found herself one of the last few in line and she watched in shock as the woman ahead of her, a slender shapely woman dressed in naught but a men's coat and one shoe fell fainted while the procedure was being carried out. She was simply beaten back to conciousness by the young and darkly good-looking guard holding her who also took full advantage of the opportunity to have a peek inside her coat and flash a devious smile to the soldier beside him.

Moments later it was her turn and she began to feel faint herself as the burly man grabbed her arm and dragged her through the mud as she could not will her legs to move. She trembled like a leaf and her mouth opened and closed rapidly as the pen was dipped into the ink and drew near to her arm. She felt the man's grip on her tighten as the tip was drove into her flesh and a stream of fresh blood emerged. A searing sense of pain shot through her being.

A screech escaped her lips and she kicked and bucked, screaming and shouting for her mother for Rory, for anyone whose name she could remember but it was no use as the man was too strong and merely rested his entire body weight upon her slim frame to keep her steady. It seemed an eternity as the number 72919 was etched into her arm forever marking her as a inmate of Bergen-Belson.

When the man finally released his hold on her she sank to her knees in the mud and cradled her bleeding arm, sobbing uncontrollably. She was forced to her feet and doused with the white powder which she discovered to be a lice preventative that stung horribly when it sunk into her skin and forced through the gate witht the rest.

There they were assigned barracks according to their numbers and when that was completed the guards turned abruptly and left them alone standing there, their duties completed. The group stood together completely overwhelmed and in shock, not wanting to lose what little familiarity and brief comraderie that they shared from their circumstances.

Liesabet could see other women, previous inmates, but they were aloof and silent as they gazed upon the newcomers from afar. She gazed about at her surroundings and could see nothing but barbed wire and dreary wooden barracks. In the corner of the enclosure she could see a manned watchtower and a large gun pointed in their direction.

Thunder suddenly rumbled overhead as the skies began to roil and churn threatening to pour down more freezing rain.

It was then that Liesabet heard it. The sound of numerous gunshots. She whipped her head about frantically trying to locate the source and finally settling upon a small embankment on the outside of the fence.

Her heart sank as she remembered watching her mother being led toward that very same embankment. She broke into a run towards the fence, her mis-matched boots slopping crazily through the muck beneath her feet, threatening to carry her down onto her face. When the perimeter forced her to stop she craned her neck desperately trying to catch a glimpse of what was going on behind that hill.

A moment later three people emerged, trudging slowly to the top. Two elderly women clutching their handbags and a little boy who only appeared to be seven or eight years old. He was trembling and crying out for his mother, begging for her with all of his little heart.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." ~courtesy of one of history's funniest men, Groucho Marx. ^_^
  





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Mon Dec 20, 2010 2:15 am
borntobeawriter says...



Hey Day,

Back for another review!

First, I wanted to mention that the German is slightly distracting. You could say that he 'spat out the order in German' or something, but I get stumped on the words and, well, you don't want your readers distracted.

It broke her heart and she could help it as fresh tears poured down her face. Such an innocent life thrown away as if it simply didn't matter.
couldn't

As the women were herded in in groups the water came on and Liesabet found herself directly under a blasting stream of startlingly frigid water
Were these put there on purpose? Because it's really eye-catching ;)

She hurried to yank them on before they were eiether snatched away or the guards forced them out of the room to make space for the next group
either.

Ahead of them they could see a gate and behind it lay the women's barracks. But off to the side one more dismal act was waiting to be preformed.
performed.

When the man finally released his hold on her she sank to her knees in the mud and cradled her bleeding arm, sobbing uncontrollably.
comma between the words in bold.

Thunder suddenly rumbled overhead as the skies began to roil and churn threatening to pour down more freezing rain.
comma

So, that was it for the reviews!

You know, I don't normally read any HF, but I think you have succeeded quite well at showing us the concentration camps but way back when. I could feel the 'inmates' confusion and pain and fear. Very nicely done.

Thanks for letting me know you'd posted more.

Tanya :D
  





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Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:51 am
Azila says...



Hi, day! I'm back. I hope you're feeling better.

I really think this novel is getting better and better as you portray more and more detail and immediacy. I can really hear and see what you describe, and the emotions are a lot more tangible as well. Also, obviously, you have done your research and you seem to have a great understanding of how things worked in the camps. There are some really powerful moments in this piece, and you write them very simply--you don't sensationalize or dramatize anything. You just report the raw facts. The facts themselves are moving, so that makes the writing moving. It's an interesting style, and I've talked about it before with you, but I'm liking it more and more as I read on.

That said, I would like to reiterate something I said in my review of chapter four--I'd like to know hoe much the inmates know. Obviously, they know this place is bad news. Really bad news. But do they know anything about it? From my knowledge, very little information about the camps leaked out to the public, so that means they wouldn't know... but I might be wrong about that. That's what you're here for: to tell me things like this through your writing! I'd like to know how much Liesabet knows about what's about to happen to her. She seems rather numb right now, and a little bit resigned. She struggles, but then she gives up. For example, when her mother is placed in the sick line, she calls out o her, but once she can't see her anymore, she gives up. I can't help but think that if (God forbid!) I were in her situation I would keep calling out and trying to see her even if it was too loud for her to hear me and too crowded for me to see her.

Another thing is that I'd like to see more of Liesabet's character. Of course, I suppose we'll be getting to know her better as the novel progresses, but still. Right now, I feel like who she is isn't as important to you as her situation. I feel like she could be anyone. Is that your intent? That she come across as a sort of allegorical innocence that doesn't really have a particular human personality? If not, I suggest you try and give her more character to set her apart. Give her some thoughts that only she would think, whether they be about Rory, her cello, whatever. Just something to define her individually, I think, would go a long way.

Also, something I noticed is that you don't really talk about religion. Liesabet is Jewish, right? Is she religious? How observant is she? This is something that will help with defining her character, and it's also something that will add another layer to the piece, I think. For example, Jews are not supposed to get tattoos--does that come to mind when she is being branded? Of course, if she's pretty secular then she might not think about this, but if she's been raised Jewish these would be the kinds of things that would be on her mind, I think. She's in the camp because she's racially a Jew, but I'd like to know if she's religiously a Jew as well--and if so, to what extent. Just something to think about.

Oh, something else I was thinking about: wouldn't her head be shaved? You probably know a lot more about these things than I do, but I'm pretty sure the inmates of the camps weren't allowed to keep even their hair. And even if she hasn't been shaved yet, she'd probably notice that the women who'd been there longer have been shaved, wouldn't she? Of course, maybe you're going to incorporate this later on, but I just thought I'd throw that out there

I'm a little confused about the layout about the layout of the camp, since you never gave a clear description of it. How many buildings are there? How big are they? How are they positioned in comparison to each other? And on that note, I'd actually like to know even more: I know the ground is muddy, but what is the sky like? Clear? Cloudy? Gray? And is the air warm, or cold? Is it fresh or does it smell? And also: can they see outside the camp, or is it too big? I'd like to have better sense of it all spatially so I can orient myself.

Also, I'm a little confused about what happened in the end, with the three people on the hill... I guess you're probably going to explain that in the next chapter, but I'm still not sure I understand exactly what's going on--are the three people inmates? Is the hill inside the camp? How far away is it?

All in all, I'm starting to get drawn into this. So far, it's been mostly setting the scene and not telling me many things I don't already know... but I can't wait for the actual plot to start!

As always, please PM me or write on my wall if you want to discuss anything.

I hope you feel better!
a
  








Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness