Young Writers Society

Chapter 2

Liesabet's heart skipped wildly in her chest as the initial silence between them seemed to last longer than it should. But then the tall young man beside her spoke. His voice was deeper than she expected and the words seemed to pass through his lips like warm caramel.
He spoke in German, ''You were wonderful tonight.''
''Thank you....and my name is Liesabet.'', she replied turning up her face to catch a quick glimpse of his own.
''Rory, he said with a smile indicating surprise and then added, that's my cousin's name. I've always liked it.'' Liesabet felt herself go flush in the cheeks and she quickly turned her gaze away, still feeling his eyes on her.
''Do you play?'', she said in a rush of nervousness. She felt him chuckle faintly beside her and reply with a no.
''I play the piano, since I was eight. How long have you been playing?'', he asked.
''Almost four years.'' ''You have a beautiful instrument.'', he said nudging in the direction of her case. ''It was a gift. From my grandfather before he died.''
''I'm so sorry'', he said quietly before the silence once again drew between them. By that time they had reached the crowd of people waiting and she was swallowed by her family and friends before she even knew what was happening. She turned to look for him but he was no where to be seen.

''Lisabet, Du warst wunderbar!'', she heard someone exclaim and turned her attention to her parents who enfolded her in a hug. Her mother was wearing one of her best dresses for the occasion as well as a beaming smile that burst with pride for her only child. Her father smelled of spicy aftershave when it was his turn to embrace her and he whispered congratulations into her ear, always the quieter one. ''Liesabet!!'', she heard someone else call over all the commotion. Her parents nodded to her and said that they would see her back at home before she felt someone grab her by the arm and pull her further into the crowd.

Her mind spinning she found it to be Corrie who guided her to a relatively quieter space where she found her fellow musicians waiting in a group before a short skinny man in a checkered suit coat whom she recognized as Celle's lone local newspaperman. He held a camera in his hand and smiled when he saw the two of them, motioning them to join the rest. Taking her place next to Roland who jabbed her in the arm and congratulated her good-naturedly she cast a glance out over the throng of people. It was mainly made up of townspeople though she couldn't help but notice however the soldiers who had formed a group of their own just outside and were smoking and laughing amongst themselves, many of them drunk and sporting bottles or flasks.

''Everybody look here for me please,'' the photogragher called out and three seconds later the flash came. After that and a few more hugs and praises the gathering was broken up by the soldiers who ordered everyone back to their homes. Reluctantly they complied and Liesabet found herself searching over the heads of others for the young man she knew only as Rory. By then mostly everyone had gone and she sighed, turning for home herself through the darkening streets.

But before she had even gone two blocks a form appeared from an alleyway startling her. She turned, her pulse racing but found it only to be the young man. ''Komm mit mer, he said, come with me.'' On impulse she took his hand and the two snuck down the street dodging shadows to a corner cafe.
''Are you crazy? It's after curfew, we will be caught!'', she exclaimed.
He shook his head with a grin and knocked lightly twice and then three more times. The door opened and and he gestured for her to enter. They were greeted by an elderly gentleman who chuckled when he saw Rory.
I shouldn't keep doing this for you Rory'', he said teasingly in a gravely voice.
''Entspannen, relax'', he replied and sank onto a nearby chair.
''What will you have?''
''Give us a minute Mr. Berchen, bitte?''
''Ja ja,'' the man replied and headed to the bar to finish polishing glasses.
Rory motioned for Liesabet to take a seat beside him. She grinned at him and shook her head.

''I wondered where you'd gone. I felt terrible, I hope you don't think I was angry with you for bringing up my grandfather.''
''I'll admit the thought did cross my mind.''
''I apologize.''
''No need. I'm just glad you came with me, I didn't think you would.''
''And why wouldn't I?''
''Because I'm a complete stranger to you.''
''You are not, I know who you are. Your name is Rory and you play the piano.''
At this both of them burst into a laugh and Liesabet pulled out a chair next to him, immediately feeling more at ease with the strikingly handsome boy.

''What do you want, order anything it'll be on me'', he told her.
Her eyebrow rose slightly and she looked at him.
''Don't worry I know Mr. Berchen. I come here late like this all the time to study.''
''Coffee then, and a small blueberry croissant please.''
He nodded and motioned for the man who took their orders.
After their food had arrived the conversation flowed freely and easily. They discussed everything from music to the war. At one point in the conversation he paused and seemed to be searching for the right words to ask her something. After a moment he asked her a very pointed question.

''Liesabet, are you Jewish? I'm sorry, I don't mean that the way it sounds but it's just that, you don't look very German at all.'' Her heart sank and she nodded slowly watching his face for any change.
''My father met my mother on a business trip to Israel before the war. They fell in love and were married within two months.'' After that sentence there was a moment of silence between them and assuming what he must be thinking she stood hastily to excuse herself.
''I'm sorry, I don't want to get you in any trouble for seeing me'', she started to say and reached for her cello case, winding its familiar handle between her fingers.
''No Liesabet, he exclaimed quickly rising to his feet, that's not what I meant at all please don't leave.''
''What did you mean then?'', she asked.
''It was just a question, I shouldn't have asked you, please sit down. Bitte?'', he pleaded with her, regret shining in his sapphire eyes.
''I'd rather just walk home'', she replied with a sigh.
''May I walk you home? I insist, I won't let you go alone.''

''If you must then.''
He offered to take her cello case and nodded goodbye to Mr. Berchen before holding the door open for her to leave. They walked side by side through the side streets to avoid being seen in an awkward silence. Twice he attempted to apologize. She didn't know how to respond to him. When they reached the front of her home he walked her up to the door and she turned to retrieve her cello. That was when he did something that shocked her. He kissed her. When she was reaching for her instrument he leaned it against the stair railing and took her face in his hands bringing his lips to hers. She felt her body melt against his and her hands slid from their defensive position on his chest to his waist, enjoying the feeling of his own strong yet slender hands which dropped from their place on her face and slid down her back. The kiss seemed to last forever and she was throughly sorry when it was over. Her face was flushed as was his and their breathing came quickly. He brushed his lips against her cheek and leaned back slightly to look her in the eyes.

''I didn't mean that the way it came out back there, please believe me Liesabet, he said earnestly in that low soothing voice, I don't give a damn if you're Jewish or not.''
''I-I believe you'', she said shakily offering him a small smile, now I have to go.''
Reluctantly he dropped his hands to his sides and handed her the cello.
''When can I see you again?'', he asked.
''I don't know....we don't play again for another two weeks.''
''I didn't mean to watch you play'', he said quietly.
She became flustered again and stuttered to find words.
''Well-I-I...have practice tomorrow and then I have to study for exams.''
''Can I come to your practice?''
''Alright, tomorrow at four thirty.....same theater as tonight?'', she suggested.
He ran his hand gently down her arm and met her eyes one last time giving her an affirming nod. His eyes were so mesmerizing, she couldn't tear away. After a moment the corners of his mouth turned up in a shy sort of smile and he looked away.
''I'll see you tomorrow then Liesabet'', he said softly and turned to leave. She stood there until she could no longer make out his form in the darkness before she turned and entered her home.

Both of her parents had been asleep or so she had thought, her mother had stayed up for her and was waiting in the kitchen. Staring at the cracked tiles on the floor she found herself giving some excuse about how she had forgotten something at the theater before she excused herself, heading straight to her room leaving her mother with a doubting look on her face and more than likely a raised eyebrow.

Once her door had closed she clasped her hands over her mouth and squealed like a little girl. Blood pumped through her face and she found herself still blushing from her encounter with Rory. A complete stranger and she had allowed him to kiss her like that. What was she thinking? But it didn't feel wrong with him, in fact it felt so right, so normal. She sat down at the chair before her desk and stared at her reflection in the small mirror. Her lipstick was slightly smeared and her dark hair was a little mussed. She chuckled softly to herself at how she must have looked to her mother. She could hardly sleep that night as she imagined the next day and seeing him again.

And that was how they first met. The day after that she had met him at the theater as promised and had introduced him to her friends. Not surprisedly she endured some good-natured ribbing when Rory wasn't looking especially from Corrie who Liesabet suspected was more than a little jealous of her friend. What did surprise her was how quickly he seemed to fit in with the group and when they discovered he played piano he was quickly offered a place with them. A piano was found for him and they were all taken aback by the incredible talent that he possessed for the instrument. It was as if he had always been there with them. And all the while, his and Liesabet's relationship grew ever closer.

Their lives however were about to change dramatically in a way neither would expect.

Hi again!

I really liked this chapter. It's getting really interesting already with the romance between Liesabet and Rory, and with the slight tension between them about her being Jewish it looks like the plot's gonna be good.

So, I'm afraid this might be slightly rubbish feedback, because basically this is well written and I really can't think of that much to say. XD There are a few small things I think you could improve:

In some of the longer sentences you tend to use few or no commas in the natural pauses or to separate clauses (unintentional rhyming there XD), and sometimes they feel like they're running on for ages.

Her mind spinning she found it to be Corrie who guided her to a relatively quieter space where she found her fellow musicians waiting in a group before a short skinny man in a checkered suit coat whom she recognized as Celle's lone local newspaperman.

Staring at the cracked tiles on the floor she found herself giving some excuse about how she had forgotten something at the theater before she excused herself, heading straight to her room leaving her mother with a doubting look on her face and more than likely a raised eyebrow.

Especially that first one, but fairly often dotted throughout, the sentences went on for ages without any commas, and needed breaking up a bit. It makes the story quite sluggish when you have long paragraphs full of sentences like this.

Also, at one point it does into just dialogue without any actions or "she said"s or anything like that, and for me it was a bit bare.

''I wondered where you'd gone. I felt terrible, I hope you don't think I was angry with you for bringing up my grandfather.''
''I'll admit the thought did cross my mind.''
''I apologize.''
''No need. I'm just glad you came with me, I didn't think you would.''

This is the first time they've met and they're clearly interested in each other, so show the chemistry between them. What are their facial expressions, what are their actions, what's their tone of voice like, etc. It's just a short section but I do think it would be better if it was padded out more. Their relationship has developed very quickly and I think this would help make it more believable.

I thought the use of German was better in this chapter because there was just a bit not and then, and no untranslated words that people who don't speak the language wouldn't understand. It's just a small formatting thing, but the way you write it out sometimes means that there are words within the speech marks that the character doesn't actually say:

''Komm mit mer, he said, come with me.''

He's not saying "he said", so it shouln't be there. It might be better as "Komm mit mer", he said, come with me. Also, should that be "mir"?

As you can see, I'm pointing out tiny nitpickey things because I really can't see anything to critique overall. Let me know if you post another chapter 'cause I'm enjoying the story.

Hi, Groucho (mind if I call you that?)! I'm back. I again apologize for all that time that passed between reviews, but things are busy and I got a lot of other review requests this week, so I hope you'll forgive me! I am going to get through this whole thing, no matter how long it takes me! ^_~

First off, I'd like to point out a nit-picky issue. It's dialogue punctuation. I'm not a grammar fiend for the most part, but dialogue is one of those things that you really can't (or shouldn't, anyway) mess with in prose. I suggest you do the research yourself, but basically you should know that the punctuation always goes inside the quotes. That means:
WRONG: ''I'll see you tomorrow then Liesabet'', he said softly and turned to leave.
RIGHT: ''I'll see you tomorrow then Liesabet," he said softly and turned to leave.
Also, you should know that you only need one punctuation mark at the end of a piece of dialogue. For example:
WRONG: ''Liesabet!!'', she heard someone else call over all the commotion.
RIGHT: ''Liesabet!'' she heard someone else call over all the commotion.
(^This is about the comma, not the double exclamation point, but just as a side-note: please don't use double exclamation points in prose unless you're trying to sound like an Interned noob!)
Also, in general you should always start a new line when a new character starts talking, just to keep things from getting too confusing. Again, if you want to be a writer, I really think it would be worthwhile for you to do some reasearch about this since it's a pretty basic set of rules, but in the spoiler I've taken a chunk of your dialogue and fixed it to make it grammatically correct.

That's not a huge thing to fix but it'll make a huge difference, so make sure you look into it, okay? Anyhow, onto the rest of the review.

I like this. The romance between Liesabet and Rory is very sweet, and nicely-written. I really get the sense that they are a good match and that they would be happy together... but I also have the feeling that this is the calm before the storm. The writing has a "good ol' days" feel to it, which makes me know that as happy and innocent as things are now, they are going to get worse. A lot worse. I also have the sense that this romance is really a glimmer of hope and happiness in an otherwise scary world. A world that's only going to get scarier.

The first thing that I noticed about this chapter was that it all happened so fast. I mean, she meets him briefly after the performance, then he invites her to the cafe a little later. That's okay, I think. But kissing her that night? He only just met her! No matter how much she trusted him, wouldn't she have her suspicions? I know romances like this do happen in the real world, but it still feels rather sudden to me.

There's also something else I'd like to bring up about the way you're writing this. I noticed it in your first chapter, but I don't think I mentioned it. Kiwisatsuma also mentions it in her review of this chapter, but I'd like to add my two cents. The issue is language. You see, I'm assuming that all the dialogue is in German, but I'm not sure. When you have German words slip into the dialogue I'm not sure if they're supposed to mean that the whole thing is in German or that the whole thing is in some other language, and those words are in German. I'm pretty sure it's the former, but I'm not certain. I presume you read a lot of fiction about this time, so how do authors generally manage the language issue? What you're doing might be fine... it just seems a little odd to me to throw in German words when the whole thing is in German. It feels almost like you're doing it just to say "see? I know German!" and not for any other purpose. But it's up to you, of course.

The other things I'll talk about are all technical/logistical. Firstly, I have to ask you: do you play an instrument? I'll be very surprised if you say that you do, because from what I know anyone who is at all serious about their playing considers their instrument to be as precious as though it were an extension of their body. No, more precious. I find it very hard to believe (if Liesabet was a serious cellist, which I think she is supposed to be) that she would let him carry her cello. Especially when she's feeling angry/sensitive towards him. I really cannot stress this enough: instrumentalists are extremely protective of their instruments. It should be like she has a third eye that s constantly on her cello. Honestly. Especially because her character seems a little bit tense and timid, she should be very cautious and watchful about her instrument. If you think you're overdoing it, then go a little farther and you'll be spot on. ^_~

The last thing I'd like to address is the very last paragraph. It's rather tell-y (as opposed to show-y). I know you are not one of those people who obsesses over "showing, not telling!" and generally I am the same way, as I told you in my previous review. It just feels like this is a really important part of the story, and it deserves more attention than one small paragraph. For one thing, "getting a piano" isn't like getting an apple, or a pair of socks. Pianos are 1) big and 2) expensive. There's the shipping issue as well as the paying issue that you completely neglect. You could work around this by saying that they started meeting at Rory's house (I assume he has a piano) or that there was a piano at the theater (most theaters have pianos), but don't just brush it off because that feels unrealistic.

Also, there's the bit about their relationship getting closer. You don't have to "show" that through scenes if you don't want to, but I think it could use at least a few more sentences of explanation/elaboration. Maybe mention them going to the cafe again after practices, or meeting each other's eyes during rehearsal... it just needs a tiny bit more, I think, because it's so important to the character development.

Well, that's about all I can say! I hope this helps you out some. I'm really enjoying reading the novel, so far. The biggest thing you need to work on is sounding like a musician because right now this sounds like it's being told by someone who doesn't know much about the music world (and I really apologize if you are a musician and I just insulted you!). I hope this review doesn't come across as too harsh--like I say, I'm really liking reading this. I will get to the ext chapter as soon as I possibly can!

As always, let me know if you have any questions or comments or want to argue about anything. ^_^

a

Hey,
Thank you requesting a review . I rather enjoyed the first chapter, so I'm eager to start reading this one.

Liesabet's heart skipped wildly in her chest as the initial silence between them seemed to last longer than it should. But then the tall young man beside her spoke.

In my last review I mention combining two complete sentences with a comma and a conjunction, well that is how we will fix this: Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Replace the period after should with a comma and lower case but.

His voice was deeper than she expected and the words seemed to pass through his lips like warm caramel.

Add a comma after expected to make this one complete sentence instead of a run-on.

''Thank you....and my name is Liesabet.'', she replied turning up her face to catch a quick glimpse of his own.

When adding an ellispe you only need three dots not any more than three.

''Rory," he said with a smile indicating surprise and then added, that's my cousin's name. I've always liked it.'' Liesabet felt herself go flush in the cheeks and she quickly turned her gaze away, still feeling his eyes on her.

Who is speaking here? Liesabet or Rory? Also there needs to be ending qoutations after the comma after Rory. Add a comma after surprise.

''Do you play?'', she said in a rush of nervousness.

There shouldn't be a comma after the ending qoutations.

''I play the piano, since I was eight. How long have you been playing?'', he asked.

It should say I've played piano since I was eight. Good job on spelling out the number eight Any number under one hundred should be spelled out.

''Almost four years.'' ''You have a beautiful instrument.'', he said nudging in the direction of her case. ''It was a gift. From my grandfather before he died.''

The comma should be after instrument instead of the period. When writing dialogue it should look like this when putting he said/ she said at the end:
"I love you," he said.
"Thank you," she said.

When putting anything other than the replied said at the end of a qoutation it should look like this:
"You are so pretty." He tucked his hand under her chin.
"I love you too." She reached up for a kiss.
If this is confusing please PM me or write on my wall and I will try to explain further.

Also, it would be less confusing if you started a new line every time someone new speaks, so that it's not all jumbled up.

''I'm so sorry'', he said quietly before the silence once again drew between them.

The comma should be after sorry not after the qoutation.

By that time they had reached the crowd of people waiting and she was swallowed by her family and friends before she even knew what was happening.

This sentence is confusing try rearranging the words like this:
By the time they reached the crowd of people she was swallowed by her family and friends before she even knew what was happening. If you don't change it there should be a comma after waiting.

She turned to look for him but he was no where to be seen.

There should be a comma after him.

''Lisabet, Du warst wunderbar!'', she heard someone exclaim and turned her attention to her parents who enfolded her in a hug.

There's no need for the comma after the qoutations because your punctuation is the exclamation point.

Her mother was wearing one of her best dresses for the occasion as well as a beaming smile that burst with pride for her only child.

good description

Her father smelled of spicy aftershave when it was his turn to embrace her and he whispered congratulations into her ear, always the quieter one.

There should be a comma after embrace her.

''Liesabet!!'', she heard someone else call over all the commotion.

There's no need for the comma after the qoutations because your punctuation is the exclamation point.

Her parents nodded to her and said that they would see her back at home before she felt someone grab her by the arm and pull her further into the crowd.

What do you mean in this sentence? The wording is awkward and doesn't really make any sense. Try seperating this into two different sentences to make it a clear meaning. the first sentence should be the bit about the parents, and the second sentence should be the bit about the guy grabbing her arm and pulling her in to the crowd.

Her mind spinning she found it to be Corrie who guided her to a relatively quieter space where she found her fellow musicians waiting in a group before a short skinny man in a checkered suit coat whom she recognized as Celle's lone local newspaperman.

Run-on. Add a comma after spinning, and after coat.

''Everybody look here for me please,'' the photogragher called out and three seconds later the flash came.

The comma after please should be a period and there should be a comma after called out.

After that and a few more hugs and praises the gathering was broken up by the soldiers who ordered everyone back to their homes.

There should be a comma after praises and soldiers.

Reluctantly they complied and Liesabet found herself searching over the heads of others for the young man she knew only as Rory.

There should be a comma after complied.

By then mostly everyone had gone and she sighed, turning for home herself through the darkening streets.

There should be a comma after gone.

But before she had even gone two blocks a form appeared from an alleyway startling her.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction because it triggers a fragment instead of a complete sentence in this situation I think you can just take but out.

''Komm mit mer, he said, come with me.'' On impulse she took his hand and the two snuck down the street dodging shadows to a corner cafe.

There should be ending quotations after the comma after mer, and there should be starting quotations before come. There should be a comma after hand.

''Are you crazy? It's after curfew, we will be caught!'', she exclaimed.

replace the comma after curfew with a semi-colon because both It's after curfew and we will be caught are two complete sentences.

The door opened and and he gestured for her to enter.

There should be a comma after opened, and there doesn't need to be two ands.

I shouldn't keep doing this for you Rory'', he said teasingly in a gravely voice.

There should be starting quotations before I shouldn't.

''Entspannen, relax'', he replied and sank onto a nearby chair.

The comma should be right after relax, and there should be a comma after replied.

''I wondered where you'd gone. I felt terrible, I hope you don't think I was angry with you for bringing up my grandfather.''

Replace the comma after terrible with a semi-colon because both I felt terrible and the following sentence are complete sentences.

''No need. I'm just glad you came with me, I didn't think you would.''

Replace the comma after with me with a semi-colon because you are combing two complete sentences and not just a fragment with a sentence.

''And why wouldn't I?''

It's okay to start dialogue with a conjunction to make it more realistic sounding.

''You are not, I know who you are. Your name is Rory and you play the piano.''

The comma after you are not should be a semi-colon, and the should be a comma after Rory.

At this both of them burst into a laugh and Liesabet pulled out a chair next to him, immediately feeling more at ease with the strikingly handsome boy.

There should be a comma after laugh to make this a complete sentence instead of a run-on.

''What do you want, order anything it'll be on me'', he told her.

The comma should be right after on me.

Her eyebrow rose slightly and she looked at him.

There should be a comma after slightly to combine these complete sentences.

''Don't worry I know Mr. Berchen. I come here late like this all the time to study.''

Add a comma after worry because there is a natural pause there making Don't worry a fragment adding onto your sentence.

''Liesabet, are you Jewish? I'm sorry, I don't mean that the way it sounds but it's just that, you don't look very German at all.'' Her heart sank and she nodded slowly watching his face for any change.

The comma after sorry should be replaced with a semi-colon. There should be a comma after sounds, and a comma after sank.

''I'm sorry, I don't want to get you in any trouble for seeing me'', she started to say and reached for her cello case, winding its familiar handle between her fingers.

The comma should be directly after me.

''No Liesabet, he exclaimed quickly rising to his feet, that's not what I meant at all please don't leave.''

There should be ending quotations after the comma after Liesabet, and starting quotations before that's.

''What did you mean then?'', she asked.

There should be no comma after the ending quotations.

''I'd rather just walk home'', she replied with a sigh.

There comma should be directly after home. Think of it as a sandwhich, and the quotation marks the buns or bread, everything has to be inbetween them.

When they reached the front of her home he walked her up to the door and she turned to retrieve her cello.

There should be a comma after door.

She felt her body melt against his and her hands slid from their defensive position on his chest to his waist, enjoying the feeling of his own strong yet slender hands which dropped from their place on her face and slid down her back.

There should be a comma after against his to avoid this becoming a run-on sentence.

The kiss seemed to last forever and she was throughly sorry when it was over.

There should be a comma after forever.

Her face was flushed as was his and their breathing came quickly.

There should be a comma after was his.

''I didn't mean that the way it came out back there, please believe me Liesabet, he said earnestly in that low soothing voice, I don't give a damn if you're Jewish or not.''

Replace the comma after back there with a semi-colon, and put ending quotations after Liesabet. Put starting quotations before I don't.

''I-I believe you'', she said shakily offering him a small smile, now I have to go.''

The comma should be directly after believe you, and there should be starting quotations before now.

''When can I see you again?'', he asked.

There should be no comma because the question mark is your punctuation there.

''I don't know....we don't play again for another two weeks.''

The ellispe should only be three dots long.

''I didn't mean to watch you play'', he said quietly.

The comma should be directly after play.

''Alright, tomorrow at four thirty.....same theater as tonight?'', she suggested.

Ellispe should only be three dots long, and there sdhould be no comma after the quotation marks because your punctuation is the question mark.

After a moment the corners of his mouth turned up in a shy sort of smile and he looked away.

There should be a comma after smile.

''I'll see you tomorrow then Liesabet'', he said softly and turned to leave.

There should be a comma after then because you are addressing Liesabet. For other examples:
"I love you, Tony."
"Tony, come back."
Also, the comma after the quotations should directly be after Liesabet.

Staring at the cracked tiles on the floor she found herself giving some excuse about how she had forgotten something at the theater before she excused herself, heading straight to her room leaving her mother with a doubting look on her face and more than likely a raised eyebrow.

It would be nice maybe to have some confrontation here. Does her mother say anything to her about how worried she was when Liesabet walks through the door? Is she happy to see Liesabet is all right? Does her mother ask any interrogating questions like a mother does when she knows somethin g is up? As a reader it would be nice to see lots of description here as well.

Blood pumped through her face and she found herself still blushing from her encounter with Rory.

There should be a comma after face.

Butit didn't feel wrong with him, in fact it felt so right, so normal.

Don't start a sentence with a conjunction; in this case it can just be eliminated.

Her lipstick was slightly smeared and her dark hair was a little mussed.

there should be a comma after smeared.

And that was how they first met.

Because you shouldn't start a sentence with a conjunction try finding a new way to rearrange the words, but if you just can't think of any other way you want to put this sentence you can add a comma after the and.

What did surprise her was how quickly he seemed to fit in with the group and when they discovered he played piano he was quickly offered a place with them.

There should be a comma after group.

A piano was found for him and they were all taken aback by the incredible talent that he possessed for the instrument.

There should be a comma after for him.

Andall the while, his and Liesabet's relationship grew ever closer.

The and in the beginning of this sentence can be taken out since we should never start a sentence with a conjunction.

Their lives however were about to change dramatically in a way neither would expect.

I love the cliff hanger ending because it makes your readers intrigued to read more.

Overall: You run into alot of sentence structure problems like run-on sentences and awkward word placement, but I do love this story and how you are developing the plot and characters! I would love to see more description because I know you can write beautiful descriptions, but other than that this was just as beautiful as a chapter as chapter one. Keep up the good work!

Have a great day,
Tiffany.
P.s. If you need any other reviews or have any questions about this review please feel free to PM me or write on my wall.