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A Taint Of Red Chapt. 1 (Draft 2)



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Mon Aug 16, 2010 8:46 pm
Forestqueen808 says...



Chapter One

Rain pattered on the sidewalk, making me hold my umbrella closer to my head. It was a gentle spring rain, not a heavy shower. If it weren’t for my carefully done hair, I probably would have just let my hair fall down my back and let it get drenched. But I was going to my parents’ house for dinner, and my mother was very strict about how a woman appeared in public.

As soon as I stepped under the small roof overhanging our front porch I closed my black umbrella, my knuckles slowly grazed the red banner hanging down on the front of our door until they reached a green wooden section, and rapped on the door. The red banner was a symbol of our patriotism my father told me, and it was true. Everywhere I looked there was a red flag with the spidery insignia on a blanket of white somewhere on a house. Except of course the ones that were replaced with a six-pointed star and the word “Jew” scrawled across the door or window.

“Aarika!” my mother said in delight as she looked at me. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her. My mother was beautiful, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her hair rested lightly on her shoulders and began to droop down her back. Her eyes always shone like bright blue eyes whenever I saw her. She was slim and had perfect hips and curves, even though she was older than forty people often thought she was my sister.

The house was warm, like it always was and it was beautifully decorated. My mother was one who made the house look nice, whether we were going to have company or not. Classic paintings of the Alps and of brightly painted meadows lined the walls along with a few family photographs. The stainless beige carpet seemed to wrap its little fiber tips around my feet as I slipped off my heels and walked barefoot across the floor and into the kitchen.

My father sat at the table, reading the day’s newspaper. My father was an officer in the Führer’s army, but usually he was home for dinner. He didn’t fight at all, just trained soldiers who would go and fight against the British. His blond hair was combed over to the left, just like it usually was and he was still dressed in his tan uniform.

“Aarika, why don’t you go and get Gretel for dinner? She just got back from her Hitler Youth meeting, so she might be changing.” My mother gestured towards the door leading from the kitchen and into the main room where the staircase was.

I nodded and walked out and up the stairs. I ran my fingers along the railing, the smooth wood was without a scratch. I knocked on my little sister’s door, and she burst out, her big smile greeting me like rays of sunshine.

“Aarika!” she cried, flinging her arms around me. “You’ll never guess what happened today.”

We let go of each other and I took in the appearance of my fifteen-year-old sister. I had always believed that she had gotten my mother’s thin and beautiful appearance. Her body already had perfect curves like our mother, and her skin was fairer than my father’s and mine. Her blue eyes were also brighter than mine, but maybe that was because she felt so alive.

“Guess what happened today!” she shrieked again, making her braids bounce up and down as jumped with glee.

I laughed, holding her down by her shoulders. “I don’t know, what happened today?”

“Miles Klein wants to have lunch with me tomorrow after I’m finished with school!” she shrieked, once again bouncing. “Miles is nineteen and he is so brave. He is the best boy ever! He treats me like a lady and he is so handsome,” she gushed. “I am the luckiest girl in the world!”

“Is he a soldier?” I asked. “He should be, I mean, he is nineteen, right?”

“Well yes, of course he’s a soldier. He just patrols through the city, he doesn’t actually fight, not yet. He asked me to write to him if he does get sent somewhere. But he assures me that won’t happen because we’ll win the war before he has to leave.”

“I highly-” my mother cut me off in mid-sentence by shouting a dinner call up the stairs. Gretel nearly sprinted down the stairs as I heaved a sigh and followed her. I was almost twenty-three, and yet, my fifteen-year-old sister already had someone who liked her. I hadn’t dated anyone since I was her age, and often my parents joked about me ending up an old maid. But sometimes I wasn’t sure if they were really jokes.

* * * *

The rain had stopped by the time I left my parents’ home and headed back to my own apartment a few blocks away. The smell of a clean earth wafted into my nostrils, me embracing the smell. Cars drove past me, occasionally trying to spray me with dirty puddled water. I couldn’t help but smile. I loved the aftermath of a peaceful rainfall. My heart seemed to belong with the gray blanket of clouds overhead and my lips curved into a smile as I saw children jumping in the puddles one last time before heading inside before it became too dark.
The anthem of Germany rang through the air from someone’s opened window and I couldn’t help but notice the Nazi flag billowing in the wind. The war was raging through the world, Russia, Italy, Poland, it seemed like everyone except America was involved in the war.

I paused in mid-step as I saw the figured huddled on the ground, leaning against a shop with a broken window and a door with the Star of David painted in yellow. I breathed in slowly, trying to sidestep the man, glimpsing his sewn on star on his coat.

“What? Have you never seen a Jew mourning his shop?” he asked, looking up at me as I passed. I stopped and turned, looking at him. His face was smudged with dirt, and his wavy brown hair looked as if it hadn’t been washed for days. “They took everything from me,” he whispered, rocking back and forth as he sat there. “They took my father, they took my shop, we have no money to support us now, they took it all.” I could hear the tears behind his voice, and I felt as if I had swallowed a rock. “They” was “they” men like my father?

“I…” I stopped, looking at the man’s sorrowful face. “Who are ‘they’?”

“The filthy Nazis,” he growled, and then glanced at me. I felt my heart race as his eyes swept over my features. His gaze rested on my perfectly blond hair and my deep ocean blue eyes. He let out a breath of laughter and stood up, brushing off his clothes. “You shouldn’t be talking to me,” he said.

He was right. I looked down at my shoes that were framed by the damp sidewalk beneath them. Should I just walk away? That’s what my father would tell me to do…but there was something, something hidden beneath the Jew’s eyes…My family would assure me that it was a poison, filth, but it didn’t seem hurtful to me. It seemed…sad.

“What’s your name?” he asked, taking me from my thoughts.

“I,” I stopped, looking up at his waiting face. My eyes searching his, what was so different about him then…then the Jews that my father told me about?

“You know what? Forget it,” he said and spun on his heel. He began to walk away from me, his head bowed.

I don’t know what came over me in that moment. Maybe it was the tears in his clothes, the dirt around his fingers, but I felt pity for him. “Aarika Dresner!” I called out to him, my voice ringing slightly through the air.

He turned, looking back at me. He gave me a small nod before replying with his name…Jacob Gottlieb. I watched as he turned around again and continued walking until he turned the corner and disappeared from my sight. I didn’t know what I had done, and I didn’t know what exactly was coming, but somehow I knew that I would see Jacob Gottlieb again.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Mon Aug 16, 2010 10:07 pm
Baywolf says...



Writing about one of the saddest times in history...hmm. I liked it. Sorry if my comments don't make much sense. I tend to ramble, whether writing or speaking. But...as I was reading this, I was interested and felt myself pulled into the story regardless of the intense pain I know from history class was behind the scenes of your character's life. But...perhaps it is that knowledge that the story actually made sense and was interesting. We, as readers, know the story of Anne Frank--a Jew--but from the perspective of a non-Jew, the line between good and evil isn't so clearly drawn, especially in the case of the brainwashed Nazis (or the not-so-brainwashed depending on where you look). Of course, there's All Quiet on the Western Front, but it dealt mainly with the battles, the blood and loss and shock of war, rather than the other aspects. I'm intrigued to see where you take this from here. I hope Aarika turns out to be one of those MCs that defied the edicts of Nazism. It seems like she is different.

On the subject of nitpicks, here are as few unclear pieces I though I'd bring to your attention. :)

Her eyes always shone like bright blue eyes whenever I saw her.

The double use of "eyes" is redundant and I think it would be better just to say "Her eyes shone a bright blue as she took in my appearance." Or something along those lines.

“Guess what happened today!” she shrieked again, making her braids bounce up and down as she jumped with glee.

You just forgot the pronoun to designate who was jumping, without which, the phrase made no sense. NO big.

The smell of a clean earth wafted into my nostrils, me embracing the smell.

Its seems a bit awkward to say "me embracing the smell" and it would probably flow better if it was "and I embraced the smell."

“They” was “they” men like my father?

Well, this took a little more brain power, and at first, I thought how you had it made sense, but reading it a few times made me think it needed to be reworked. SO, this is what I came up with: "They." Was my father one of the man's "they"?
But maybe it's fine the way it is. If anyone else thinks it is fine, just ignore this nitpick.

Anyway, that's the conclusion of this review. Hope it helps! :) Oh and by the way, I really, really, really, like the way this story is going, so I hope you write and post some more. Just keep in mind that the historical aspect needs to be spot-on, but I suspect you have done a great deal of research, so happy writing!

---baywolf
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Wed Aug 18, 2010 9:40 pm
PatriciaTina says...



Hi there! I saw that you only had one review so I thought I would come pop on by and give you a review! (Well, for that reason and I really like reading historical fiction. ;)) But anyways, let's get on with it, shall we?

Plot

I really like that you've started developing your plot already in this first chapter and are developing it at a pretty constant pace. Your idea (at least what I can already see of it) is good, though maybe a bit unoriginal. There are so many stories, novels, and movies out there on this subject, and while that isn't necessarily a bad thing I would suggest possibly adding some sort of unexpected twist so that it's not predictable. But that's entirely up to you since this is your story! :)

Character Development

So far this is going pretty good as well, depending on how long your story is going to be. Remember to pace your character development according to the length you're planning to make it, so it doesn't feel like it's rushed or like you don't have enough development.

Also, since this is historical fiction I would say as well to do some research about cultural differences between now and then, and differences in how people spoke. Dialogue has changed very much over time, and you always need to take that into account when writing character lines so that they're believable.

Grammar

Overall, your grammar is pretty good, though there are a few places where your sentences have gotten a bit awkward. For example:

If it weren’t for my carefully done hair, I probably would have just let my hair fall down my back and let it get drenched.


Your repetition of the word 'hair' makes the sentence seem awkward. Try rewording to make sure it flows better.

I won't go over everything, and Baywolf has already pointed out the worst ones so I would suggest you go over it very thoroughly yourself and watch out for awkwardness, typos, etc. (Or you can also get a friend or parent or someone to highlight them for you if you don't know if you got them all.)

Overall

Overall, you're doing really good so far. Just make sure that you keep a steady pace with your writing, don't change it from fast to slow to fast again or whatever. I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading the next chapter that you post!

I hope that this review helps you, and feel free to contact me with any questions! Good job, and good luck in the future! Bye bye!

~ Trish :smt006
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
I lost the game.

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Wed Aug 25, 2010 9:07 pm
StellaThomas says...



Stella here! You're supposed to tell me when you do things like this, dear ;)

I. NITPICKS

Rain pattered on the sidewalk, making me hold my umbrella closer to my head.


Oh, the weather. What an exciting way to start off a story.

If it weren’t for my carefully done hair, I probably would have just let my hair fall down my back and let it get drenched.


Maybe rephrase to something like, "If my hair wasn't so carefully done, I probably would have just let it fall down my back?" Or something? Avoid the repetition of hair.

“Aarika!” my mother said in delight as she looked at me.


Did you change her name?

Her eyes always shone like bright blue eyes whenever I saw her.


?

He didn’t fight at all, just trained soldiers who would go and fight against the British.


...What year is this? Wouldn't they be more concerned about, like, Russia? Communists and all that jazz?

She just got back from her Hitler Youth meeting,


Girls weren't in Hitler's Youth, they were in BDM. Binder Deutscher Madchen or something, I can't remember what it stands for, lol.

to my own apartment a few blocks away.


Do they have blocks in Berlin?

me embracing the smell.


Why phrase this like this?

The anthem of Germany rang through the air from someone’s opened window


Why not just, "The national anthem"?

“They” was “they” men like my father?


This needs punctuating.

My eyes searching his, what was so different about him then…then the Jews that my father told me about?


Than.

before replying with his name…Jacob Gottlieb.


I don't understand why you've done this sentence the way you have. What's wrong with speech marks?

Alright.

II. CHARACTER

So, reading this, I find out very little about your character, apart from the fact she's single, and we don't really get much of a picture of that. It is much subtler than your first draft and that's great, but you need to work on your characterisation. So far, she's got absolutely nothing going for her. I'm sure in your head she's a great character, but you need to get it down on paper, need to show us who she is, tell us why we care. Because honestly, I couldn't care less about her right now. She's a cardboard cut-out.

III. HISTORY

Again, this has seriously improved since your first draft. But I think you need to try and make it all a little more natural. The swastika, Deutschland Deustchland uber alles, the BDM... they were just normal bits of life, and you're getting them intergrated quite well, honestly, I think it just needs that extra stretch to try and make them run smoothly in your dialogue and descriptions. Just stop thinking as a twenty-first century girl and start thinking like a 1930s girl. What are your priorities in the 1930s? Hitler's been in power for how many years, so does it really shock you if you see a flag? Instead of thinking about the BIG IMPORTANT HISTORY (I'm going to be using this phrase from now on, I've decided), start thinking about the small, personal stories of each of these people, and forget you're writing historical fiction, just write fiction.

IV. OVERALL

I do think it's improved majorly, it just still has a little way to go!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sun Sep 26, 2010 11:52 pm
ballerina13 says...



Hello! What you are writing about is a touchy subject for most people...a sad time in history. But! I enjoyed reading it very much. Your style is nice and I love the descriptions you have for such simple things, like a sidewalk or a porch. Your MC seems well developed. I can see her clearly in my mind.
I loved your beginning paragraph. It really drew me in.
Other reviewers have already stated the grammer issues but just always remember to read through your work and run spell check multiple times.
This is good. It has potential. I can't wait for more. Keep writing!
~Ballerina
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