Young Writers Society

‘Miss Madeleine? It’s time to wake.’
I barely catch the soft voice, but am able to place it as that of Sarah, our housekeeper. Why does she want me to get up now? It seems as only moments ago I had laid my head down on my pillow. In addition, today I have no lessons save for violin at four in the afternoon. I roll over so that my back faces her.
I moan. ‘Why now? I am tired.’
‘Miss Madeleine,’ says Sarah impatiently, ‘Is this the way you want to greet your sister after four months of her absence?’
‘Helena’s coming?’ I jolt into a sitting position and stare at Sarah, who is smiling widely. When Helena married Admiral George Harris back in April, she moved with him to his home in Port Royal. Although not far, Harris did have somewhat of a busy schedule, much like Father. This prevented the pair from visiting us—even though they said they would. The idea of her coming now seems too good to be true. ‘Will her husband be here also? And on what occasion is this?’
‘No, it just Helena—she’s going to be with us for a few days. Her husband had to leave on an emergency mission, and he doesn’t know how long he’ll be gone.’
‘When is she coming?’
‘Very soon,’ Sarah replies. ‘Your father just left to collect her. Please get up so you’ll be ready when she arrives.’
I yawn and arise out of bed when hunger strikes me. ‘Breakfast?’
‘Yes—I almost forgot. I have some glazed buns sitting in the kitchen; let me bring them up. Can you find what you want to wear today? Once I get back up you can eat and then I’ll help you dress.’
I nod and begin rummaging through my wardrobe. Eventually I find my favorite, a simple ice-blue one with a pale yellow bodice and pink lace surrounding the sleeves. I take it off its hanger and remember when I first got it; it had been a fifteenth birthday present from Helena. It was so pretty, too—and to wear it now would be the perfect occasion. I hear footsteps, so I set the dress down on the bed.
It’s Sarah, who has the buns. Grabbing one, I notice that they are still warm. She sets them on the table by my bed and eyes the dress that I picked out.
‘This one is lovely,’ she remarks. ‘Didn’t your sister get this for you?’
‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘It was a birthday present.’
Sarah smiles and begins to help me into the dress. Once it is on, she redirects me to the mirror. ‘You look lovely, Miss Madeleine.’ I twirl around; it’s been a while since I’ve worn this dress.
‘Your sister and father will be arriving very soon,’ Sarah says, ‘I’ll go to the stables to groom Kate, alright? Helena will probably want to see her when she arrives.’
Kate was Helena’s horse, whom she had gotten as foal when we had moved here from England three years ago. At Harris’s home, there was no stable, not even to build one, so Kate had to stay here. I had a horse too, Snow. Helena and I used to always go for rides together; talking, laughing, and admiring the wondrous landscape of Jamaica. I still rode him, but just not as much.
‘Can you groom Snow too?’
‘I can do that for you, Miss Madeleine.’
‘Thank you.’
She leaves and I grab another bun, heading down to the foyer to wait for Helena and Father. There’s a small couch there which I can lie on.
Although, just as I’m about to sit down, I hear a knock at the door. Could it be them already? I open the door excitedly, but am met by a man with unkempt brown hair who looks to be about my age.
I wonder who he is and what he could be doing here. ‘May I help you, sir?’
‘Is Admiral Grey home?’ he asks. I notice his thick Irish accent.
‘Who are you?’
‘I’m Murtagh Simmons, the silversmith. I was just here to deliver an update on the status of the new candleholders that Admiral Grey ordered from me a while ago.’
‘Oh,’ I say. I feel somewhat stupid for not seeing that before. Father has been talking about how much we need new candleholders for a while; our newest ones were purchased eight years ago, when I was nine. ‘Well, I’m sorry, but my father isn’t home right now.’
‘That’s alright,’ he says, quite calmly. ‘You’re his daughter?’
‘Yes, I’m Madeleine.’
‘That’s quite a lovely name.’
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘Your name is Murtagh? That’s quite an interesting name. I don’t think I’ve heard anything like it.’
He laughs. ‘Yes, it’s Irish.’
‘Were you born in Ireland?’
‘I was. Lived in Belfast until I was fourteen and my family moved out here.’
‘Really? When I moved out from England, I was also fourteen.’
He laughs. ‘Neat.’ It is then that I notice the color of his eyes; they’re a glistening bright grey, almost like the silver that he crafts.
‘I love the color of your eyes.’
He laughs again. ‘Thank you. I’ve told that—’
‘They match your profession?’
Murtagh nods and begins to smile widely. After that is silent for a moment.
‘So, what did you want to tell my father? He should be home very soon, so I can relay the message.’
‘Well, certainly,’ Murtagh says. ‘Just tell your father that I had a few other orders I needed to complete. I’ve started work on the candleholders and they should be finished soon, maybe in a week?’
‘That sounds good,’ I say. ‘I’ll be sure to tell him.’
‘Alright,’ he says. ‘Listen, I need to head out.’
‘Bye,’ I say.
‘Maybe we can see each other again someday,’ he says.
‘When?’
‘I don’t know. What about the beach, tomorrow at sunset?’
‘That sounds wonderful.’
‘Alright, I’ll see you then.’
He smiles, turns to the door and waves to me. I do the same as I watch him disappear into the crowded Kingston streets. Then I lie down on the couch and wait for Helena and Father to come.

Whoa! Great start! I'm impressed by your writing I must say. You make it seem so real which I truly enjoy and it really brings the reader into the moment. However you made this so hard for me to say anything bad I had to look really hard to make any suggestions. When you say "Its my favorite Scene" in a book it would be part or chapter or page but not scene, thats in plays.

Also when you say "I strech out and open the door" is the coach very close to the door and she dosnt have to get up to open it or does she get up and than strech out for the door. Just me being "nitpicky" personally i would use something other than "stretch" because it dosnt really fit.

But apart from that GREAT WORK AND PLEASE WRITE MORE. I WANT TO READ EVEN MORE KEEP UP THE EXCELLENT WORK!!!!

Hey Eli!

This is pretty good! Well, let me give you my comments.

As I set Don Quixote down, I try to keep my eyes drifted away from the grandfather clock at the edge of the foyer.

Okay, personally, I would prefer a much better opening line. This gives me a dreary afternoon image, which makes me iffy on continuing, like maybe skip to where something better is. Now, I don't mean the sentence is bad, I just think something less suggestive of the time would be better.
Anyway, moving on.

He’s smiling and laughing through his teeth as he examines me like I’ve just been found at the scene of a crime.

This gives a weird image in my head. For someone who is expecting a servant and sees your MC instead, I don't think this depicts a right emotion. I would suggest you change this.

I grab his arm and begin leading him back into the house. He stops me for a minute to put down the white box.

Personally, I feel it's a little too soon for her to be grabbing someone's hand so soon. But you can ignore this, if it develops your MC.
So, yep, this was good. I liked the dialogue. Well done. Besides that, I'll probably have more to say in the later chapters.

~Lava

Hi Ellie. I'm gonna keep this quite brief.

Reread this piece again, but this time pay careful attention to the structure of your sentences. Notice that you keep using the "I did this", "I did that" sort of structure. It is bland and makes the writing rather uninteresting to read. Try to vary your sentences more.

Following my point from above, one of the reasons why your sentences come off like that is that you didn't really consider the emotions and thoughts of the character. A lot of it is just factual information. We know very little about the characters or as to what's happening. At times, this even read like a shopping list. You have some of the ingredients, but you don't know what to do with it. For example, why did you decide to have Don Quixote in there? What purpose does it serve? Does it characterize your narrator in any way? I don't think so, because what follows after is a conversation between the narrator and Murtagh.

In fact, the entire piece was rather fluff for me. There's like absolutely no conflict here and little reason to care about the characters. The conversation itself was more of a stilted info dump of what one would find in a character profile. I mean why the heck would I want to know about the family? In what way is this relevant to the plot or story at hand?

If you are going to rewrite this, then I would focus much more on this bit here:

“I don’t know,” he tells me, and I can see that he looks a little sad. “We moved when I was five. The silversmith was a family business. My grandfather started it, and it was massively successful. I only wish I remembered what it was like to be rich. But I couldn’t, because then the business failed shortly after it was passed to my father. We left to start it up back here, but that didn’t work.”

With this bit, then there's some potential for conflict and character development. I want to know what the place is like, what she does, what's her relationship's like with the people around her, what she thinks/feels about them. Does your narrator keep pictures of what her old life was like or some other form of memento? What are the similarities and differences? Which one had she preferred?

So overall, this clearly isn't one of your best works, and it shows. Vary your sentences more and cut down on the fluff. Give your story a more define focus (I'm assuming you are aiming for a 'fall from grace' then 'rise to fame' sort of story right?). Have some actual conflict and character development.

Good luck.

Andy.

You have very sophsisticated handwriting. I enjoyed the beginning of the story, just sometimes I feel it flows a little too fast. Your grammar is very proper and makes me wonder what time period your story is set in. I still don't know much about the characters from just this first chapter. Things happen a little too quickly. And, to be honest, it was a little boring at times, just because I had no idea what they were talking about. I think maybe you should add more background info or just some more details to your story and maybe then it would be better. It seemed a little old-fashioned.
But I really like it so far! you should definitely continue.

Hey there!

So this was a very interesting beginning. Though I think you are rushing too much, I think you introduced your main character perfectly. You didn't sit there and describe her, but rather allowed us to discover her cleverness as she talks and thinks.

What I mean by rushing too much is that you introduce your plot - and perhaps your main plot? - in the first few paragraphs. If this is going to be a long novel, I just think you should take a bit longer to introduce your character. But, since you already have a lot of this written, I will trust that you have taken it slow and not rushed it.

I think you wrote this very well. It really seems to fit in with the time period that you're writing in, sometime in the late 1800's? Early 1900's? Yeah, any who, your character has a great voice. I'm a little confused about her age. I thought that you said she was younger than her sister of fifteen, but this man is inviting her to his house? Weird... he must be a very creepy man.

You are a great writer and have a very clear and flowing voice. There were no awkward breaks or anything! I was quite pleased.

I noticed one confusing line and thought I should quote it for you:

A girl caught it and gave it back to me,

You never mentioned anything dropping. I know it's small, but you should fix it.

Keep writing!

Classy

Hey Elinor, me again. I'm not reading the other critiques, so just consider repeated advice as extra reason to edit something. And I warn you beforehand: I'm no history expert, so I can't critique you on actual historical accuracy, and forgive any ignorance I have on the subject. I just review the writing.

First line-- first paragraph, really --was dull. Not enough of a hook. Really, this whole chapter isn't much of a hook, but I'll touch on that later.

He’s smiling and laughing through his teeth as he examines me like I’ve just been found at the scene of a crime.

These two images (underlined and bolded) don't coincide into one cohesive expression. So, as the reader tries to envision this new character, his expression is a bit malformed. xD

“It was on the beach, about two years ago. The sun was just setting into the horizon. I was helping a merchant friend of mine load commodities onto his ship. A girl caught it and gave it back to me,

Underlined portion: very few people include description like this in their dialogue, even, I'm sure, in older times. Especially not for something happening two years ago. This part about the sun is unnecessary and sounds forced.

Bolded portion: vague pronoun here. "Caught it" and "gave it": what's it? Did one of the objects being loaded fall from Mr. Simmons's grip? Something tells me you just missed a sentence here.

“Ireland,” he says simply, “Dublin.”

I'd like to see some mention of his accent. You say he moved from Dublin when he was five, straight to Jamaica? For someone who has lived in England, I'm sure your narrator would notice something distinctly different in his accent.

“It’s Irish. Anyway, the fact of life is that it’s cruel,” he replies, “What makes it worth living is the kind people that you come across.”

This is random. They're talking about the origin of his name, and for new acquaintances, this deep comment about life is a bit out of place. Sounds like you're trying to cram the semi-romantic moment in there somewhere.

Get to know me more? How? When would we meet?

Missed a word there.

Overall

So. This left me feeling sort of empty. I don't feel like I know either of your characters, I don't feel like I know this world, I don't feel like I know their situations, and I'm not terribly enticed to read more and find out.

You're "island-skimming", as I like to call it. You know the WWII maneuver used in the Pacific, where Allies conquered island after island to move closer to their major target, Japan? It feels kind of like that. You're skimming over idea after idea, and you have the possibility to expand on characterization, family, history-- but then you keep skimming. The whole chapter feels very planned, like each line in their conversation is just a stepping stone to the end of the chapter, in the office (AKA Japan, for the analogy). It's being pulled towards an ending, not naturally progressing, and it shows.

The major issue is Madeleine and her narration. Your first person is dry, dear. The point of first person is to get inside the mind of the character, but I don't think you've really accomplished that. You use the "I" format to give some history of the character, and give information that only Madeleine could know, but other than that it's as if we're seeing this whole scene from an outside perspective.

Start by cutting the connector-phrases used in first person: "I remember," "I think, "I can see," etc. You need to combine your narrator and the narration into one, weaving in their thoughts and memories and what they see. You don't want your MC to tell readers what they're seeing; you want your MC and your readers to really see it. I'm running out of time to explain this as thoroughly as I'd like to, so PM me if you'd like me to elaborate.

Finally, this chapter as a whole. What information does it give us? A vague time period and vague characters. It sets the scene, maybe, but it doesn't accomplish anything major and it doesn't serve as a hook to the rest of the story. There's no conflict. It's best to have conflict in your first sentence, if not your first paragraph-- I can't even begin to guess at the plot from this!

I go super-in-depth on you because you can write, Elinor, dear. You just need to step back and look at the overall picture: each chapter needs to accomplish something significant. You can't afford to waste words on filler background info. Work on characterization, narration, and conflict.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Greetings Ellie!!
I love how with every word i read i had a vivid picture of everything happening. You writing has this certain charisma that just kept me reading and reading.It was So realistic. Your wording was so close to perfect. I am a big fan of the English style writing. I felt her emotions too. That's another thing i want to point out. I am looking forward to being captivated by this Murtagh Character as Madeline will be!

~Lady Kix

I like it

A lot of the work I read these days tends to be over-passionate and filled with long words stuffed between poorly written sentences. This was quite refreshing. I love how simple it is, whilst still having quite a sophisticated ring to it.

If I was to comment on anything... I think you should introduce the cultural background a little sooner. The mention of the servant made me think of England or America, but then the mention of Jamaica suddenly put the image in my head of Murtagh being Jamaican, though it actually turns out he's Irish. It all made my head spin a bit.

Also, the background seems quite interesting, and I don't think you've used the full potential you have of bringing this place and time to life. What's the weather like? What sounds can be heard outside? What are the neighbours up to? Okay, not quite. I'm sure you understand what I mean though.

Overall it's a nice, steady start, and seems like the kind of thing I would love to sit down and read after a long day. Keep it up

-Ten

*EDITED*

Heya Eli
Here to review, believe it or not.

I'm probably going to epically fail at this review, everyone else have given you great reviews. I will try my best to find something to critique though! I'll also try and point out the things that I did like about this.

I will be gone all day, possibly longer. If that is so, I will send you a letter.”

An attack? Dozens of questions begin to rush in my head. How dire was it? Why will supplying food and clothing take all day? Is there something he is not telling me? It is then that I remember Helena and her husband were supposed to visit this evening for dinner. Now they probably aren’t going to come—seeing as her husband is an Admiral, like father. This will be the first time I’ve seen her in over two months, since her wedding, actually.

My only proper critique so far is the fact that I would like you to express your MC's emotions a bit more. She's just found out that there are a load of dangerous pirates around. Surely, she'd be somewhat scared? I think that you should portray her emotions a bit more. It's good that you've used rhetorical questions, they work well. If you include some emotions, it would be even better.

Maybe I can convince Isabelle to run into town with me to fetch a copy of the paper?

Despite my initial jolt from this news, I feel my eyelids drooping again and sink back down into my pillow. I just hope that Father will be alright.

The blinding sunlight soon awakens me. I look at the grandfather clock at the edge of my room and notice that it is 10:30 am, which is a lot later then I usually sleep to.

I think that you should put something like this - ***** - in between these to paragraphs to show that time has passed. It's more of a suggestion though, really.

I’m beginning to wonder if my encounter with father was just a dream, but a note on my bedside table soon makes this thought false.

He’s to arrive here at eleven—can you get collect the order for me? I asked Miss Isabelle, but she bluntly refused. Thanks so much.

I changed the word 'get' here to 'collect' because it sounds more formal. I thought that it sounded better, it's just a suggestion though.

I’m able to do so in ten minutes, but I figure I’ll go downstairs to the foyer and wait so that I’ll be close when we comes.

I think you've used the wrong word here... unless it's just me being dumb.

He reads the expression on my face and begins to explain. “See, I know your sister. Your younger one, that is.”

Now he is starting to scare me. “Y-you know Isabelle? Is that why she didn’t want to collect the candleholders from you? What did you do to her?”

This felt a bit out of place for me. It's almost as if she suddenly becomes weirdly paranoid. I think you should mention her getting slightly worried about him before this. Just so that it doesn't seem as sudden.

I start to think about what he had said; that he just given her directions to his home. Perhaps they courted, and have recently had a fight or have split? That’s why Isabelle didn’t want to see him.

I'm finding this kind of weird, as well. She seems to be jumping to some rather strange conclusions. Maybe it's just me being paranoid, I don't know. I do think that you should consider thinking about it though.

“I don’t know,” he tells me, and I can see that he looks a little sad. “We moved when I was five.

If he moved from Ireland when he was five, how does he still have the accent? He would have gained a Jamaican accent if he'd moved at such a young age. Remember, you must take things like that into consideration!

Murtagh? I think to myself. It sounded odd and made-up, unlike any name I had ever heard before. “Murtagh,” I repeat. It was fun to say. “I quite like it. Is it—”

I like the name.

He smiles brightly. “Good! Can you come to my house this evening?"

He's eager isn't he...? I think that this is a bit too sudden. They've only known each other for five minutes, after all.


Overall

This is a pretty good opening chapter, Eli! I'm very fond of the idea of this story as well. As far as I can tell, it's also an original idea and I haven't read anything like it before. That's a great thing, Eli. It's always a very good idea to create an original story. I also like the names of your characters, they were unique and quirky. Another thing I liked about this was the dialogue. It was entertaining and to me, it seemed really realistic. When it came to grammar, you did very well! You used commas correctly, which is something a lot of writers struggle on. You also spelt everything correctly, seriously well done for that!

My main critique is about your character's emotions. Like Squall said, this chapter has a bit of a 'I did this', 'I did that' feel to it. It's almost like you're giving us readers information, not telling us a story. The lack of emotions also doesn't make us readers feel connected to your characters. Feeling connected to a character in a story is very important, a lot more important than some people think. It's especially important to make the readers feel connected to your main character. They do have to constantly read about them after all. You wouldn't want to read about someone that you don't care about now, would you? This has actually already been covered by a few people, so I'm not going to go into too much detail about it.

My other critique is the pace of this. It's all moving too quickly, in my opinion. For example, would a girl really be willing to meet up with some random guy she's just met? It's a tad bit unrealistic, if you ask me. I definitely wouldn't agree to meet up with someone I don't even know. It's even weirder for your MC, I think, because you kind of gave the impression that she didn't trust him. When you said that your MC was suspicious of him doing something bad to her sister. Surely, if she was that worried about him, she wouldn't jump at the chance of meeting up with him? Plus, I don't really know that much about your MC. Where's her mother? How old is she? If you answer these questions later on, that would be okay, I guess. I just want you to remember that you need to let us readers know these things. Especially when it comes to your MC. It's all very vague, in my opinion. You just need to clear some things up for us and slow things down a bit.

I don't really have anything else to say that hasn't already been said. I agree with most of the other reviewers here. All that you need to do is take into consideration what us reviewers have said, and edit this up a bit. Also, you need to bear in mind what we've said for future chapters.

Keep writing and good luck with this!

xoxo Rhian

Hey El! Here to comment on the new part and then I'll move on to chapter two.

“Listen,” he says, “I don’t mean to scare you, but there’s been a terrible raid by pirates in our neighbor city of Port Royal. The navy has been called in to give food and clothes to the survivors. I will be gone all day, possibly longer. If that is so I will send you a letter.”

So... yeah. I hate this, sorry to be so rash. He seems to say it so nonchalantly. And too much action is introduced early on for my liking. Do you think you can done this back a bit? Just say that he needs to go to town? Otherwise, I really like the new beginning.

What I don't like is that the conversation between your MC and the boy is that it's so formal. In the original, it seemed to casual and realistic. I don't know if it's me, or what. But maybe you could just copy the new beginning and paste it on the old one? Then I think it'd be perfect.

Okay, moving on.

Hey Elinor. Here for the edited version! This won't be long; I need to get on over the Chapter 2.

I feel my heart pounding rapidly.

Hmm. For me, it's pretty impossible to get excited or nervous right when I wake up, especially if I didn't get much sleep. I'm groggy and confused and unable to fully appreciate whatever is going on around me. I don't think her heart would be pounding this early in their conversation-- she'd be more perplexed, shaking off sleep.

but there’s been a terrible raid by pirates in our neighbor city of Port Royal.

Think of the city where you live. Now, think of one of its neighboring cities. If you're taking about one of those cities with your family, you wouldn't say "our neighbor city of ____", would you? They live with you; they know that _____ is your neighbor city.

and we waves toward me affectionately

He waves.

Overall

I think this is an improvement! You added that bit on conflict in the beginning, which was important. You're also introducing the pirates immediately, which will help round out your overall plot more once you get to the pirates later in the story.

There wasn't much of a change in Murtagh and Madeleine's conversation, however, which I'd like to see. Not right now, actually; keep writing the rest, and your can come back and edit the beginning later, when you know your characters more completely. It's a bit odd when Murtagh asks her about her hobbies; he's just supposed to be a delivery person. I know that their relationship needs to grow from somewhere, but I think if you prioritize this scene like your characters would it'll be more realistic. Have him start by delivering the candlesticks, because that's what he's here for eventually. Maybe he sees her violin in the house as he carries the box back to her father's office, and that gets them talking. You need a conversation catalyst.

Better, though! Off to chapter two!

~Evi

Just reworked a lot of the plot and have thus rewritten this! So, any new feedback would be appreciated.

Hi Elinor,

Great piece, by the way! I sense a little romance starting with Madeleine and Murtagh...?

I think you started off well and narration was equal with dialogue, but later, the chapter seemed over-saturated with dialogue. Maybe describe more Murtagh and how their conversation changes and their emotions change. I liked it, but I started getting bored after reading so much dialogue in a row. Maybe insert some actions somewhere in there?

One thing about the first sentence: the "am able" part doesn't sound right. Perhaps do: I am able, or I'm able.

That's all really. Great chapter! I loved it!

Lavvi