Young Writers Society

All of the chapter are relatively short, due to this being part of a novella. Thanks.


July 14, 1943

I was sitting in the activity room, not wanting to play in the front yard. Which has an abnormally low amount of trees, which makes it both flat and hot. Besides, all the other orphans were outside. Why would I want to subject myself to that? Especially when it wasn’t necessary to do so. I am quiet, not crazy, unlike everyone else in this place. While, I do enjoy the solace that this old house brought during the day. Though, today another orphan who insisted on being in the room was ruining it. Eve, there were quite a few nasty rumors that were traveling around about her. Many of the orphans, including me, avoided her for this reason. I had only ever seen her in the halls and at meals. We never even made eye contact.

She was lying on the couch across from me. I could only make out her profile from where I was sitting. She was tossing a rubber ball against the ceiling, catching it when it bounced back at her. “What are you in for?” I jumped as her voice unexpectedly broke the silence. She did not turn to direct the question at me but I assumed she was talking to me, not some apparition. Which come to think of it, wouldn’t shock me in the least. I had seen odder things in this house. A few minutes passed before she sat up and tossed me the ball. “You’re that mute boy, right?” She tilted her head in my direction. I shifted my eyes and huffed. I wasn’t mute, I just chose not to talk. I had neither urge nor reason to talk to these people. Especially when I knew they wouldn’t care about what I would say anyways.

“Yeah. You’re the one. Which means you are probably here by choice.” She pulled her hair behind her ears. Then stroked out some of the creases in her shirt. “I don’t blame you. Looney’s are better entertainment than they are at conversation.” She rose to her feet and winked at me. Was she referring to herself as a crazy? Or was she suggesting that I were the loon? I couldn’t help but smile.

“Eve. Doctor Engel will see you now.” Mrs. Johansson said, popping her head into the room. Her eyes fixated on the ceiling and a frown grew. “Eve, are those scuff marks on the ceiling? I told you, take that sort of behavior outside!”

Eve shrugged, not bothering to look at the markings she had made. “Sorry Mrs. Johansson. I promise I will think before I act next time.” Her voice leaked with sarcasm. Even the sternest belt couldn’t hold that tongue. Which was the main reason she was so intimidating. She was used to fear.

"Well, don’t keep him waiting!” The Head ordered. Eve smiled pleasantly and walked out of the room and down the hall. There was a moment of silence before she spoke up once more. “Jeremy. You are a good boy. I suggest you don’t socialize with that one. She is the type of girl, where if you play with her, you will get burned. It’s just a suggestion.” She cleared her throat and disappeared down the hallway as well.

I raised an eyebrow and glanced out the window. So much for peace and quiet.

I was sitting in the activity room, not wanting to play in the front yard. Which has an abnormally low amount of trees, which makes it both flat and hot.

Reviewer's choice. I would switch the first "which" to an "it" and perhaps the "has" a "had".

What I really found curious about this piece was the year. 1943. A lot happened in 1943, mostly part of World War II, but on July 19, shortly after this piece takes place, Rome came under attack by the Allies for the first time. I am just curious as to why you chose that date in particular.

The storyline is very rich. I look forward to more dialogue, but considering the length it was fairly okay to read. What I could not shake from this story was the mist of some mysterious perhaps even troublesome undertone regarding the entire nature of the plot. This could easily be turned into a horror story, personally I hope you do not, as I am utterly terrified of horror stories (enjoy them, but terrified nonetheless), and I believe this has potential, certainly, although I hope the gloomy atmosphere is lifted later on. Obviously this review was very biased, please feel free to make whatever changes seem fit, but this piece was very interesting to read.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky

Ok so to be honest im not to used to giving reviews but here it goes.....
well i found the topic of the story really interesting and attention grabbing. i found that you definitely gave the feel of jeremy & eve's personality from the beginning which is a really good thing. Keep on going because i can asure you that it will be an awesome piece!!!
-imaginemymind ( p.s pm me when you add chapters i would love to read them )

I think that the plot is really good, it really got my attention and makes me want to keep reading to find out what exactly is going on with this boy and the girl that's mentioned. I also like the title, which is what led me to want to read this in the the first place. The only thing I would change is when there's a new speaker, make a indent or whatever. I know you don't necessarily have to, but it just makes it less confusing for readers.

Hi, there, carden! I’m Zan. I liked the synopsis of your story a lot and I thought I’d stop by—I love historical fiction and I used to read a lot of it, so I’m always curious to see some. ^_^

Anyway, onto the story! I must say that this is a really neat idea, and one that appeals to me a lot. I’ve always had a certain fascination with this type of setting, for some reason, and I’m really curious in this case to see how things are going to develop for the characters. The plotline for this could go many different ways, and I can’t wait to find out where!

This was a really short chapter, so it’s kind of hard for me to get a really good grip on them, but from what I’ve seen so far, the two main characters seem interesting. I like Jeremy’s personality—all the bitterness in his narration is good characterization without going over the top. Eve is quite likeable, too—her kind of character has always appealed to me. I think the main thing that this excerpt has done is made me really curious about how they ended up in this house, and how their backstories have affected them—this is a good thing. XD I’m definitely willing to read chapter two to find out more about them and how they relate to each other.

As for critiques, I really only have a few small nitpicks:

While, I do enjoy the solace that this old house brought during the day.

I’m not sure about the “while” here, since the next sentence has “though.”

Looney’s are better entertainment than they are at conversation.

Oops, should be “loonies.”

Anyway, this was a very short chapter, so it was hard to get a feel for the novella from it, but it made me excited to read the second chapter! I can’t wait to find out how these characters are going to develop and interact. See you in chapter two! ^_^

first thing first; I really liked this! I agree with what EliteHusky said about the second sentence, but also with the multiple praises about setting the scene. The only thing I can think to suggest is to maybe describe Jeremy in more detail. It's a really intriguing beginning though, I'll be looking forward to new parts. Keep it up!

I am... intrigued to see where this will lead. I like the plot and feel that this a lot of potential. The first chapter really drew me in and to be honest, I really want to read more of this. I think that if you added more detail to the character, appearance wise, that it will feel more personal. You developed good characterization for Jeremy within just that short of a chapter! Well done! I also like the difference in personality between Eve and Jeremy. I feel that that could be interesting. A well written piece. I can't wait to read more. Keep it up!