Young Writers Society

Chapter Four


My mother and I were alone in a sea of strangers. Strangers they were, but somehow I considered them all my family. My kind. We all had two things in common: we were all women, and we were all Jews. My heart ached for both myself and the group of hapless women in which were now my new companions in this dark corner of the world.
Worry for my father and brother began to gnaw at me as we were all ordered to form a line. We marched across the terrain of Auschwitz for five minutes, then were ordered to a stop in front of a small but well-built cabin, no doubt that housed some of the more important soldiers. We were ordered to stand shoulder to shoulder while a man walked out of the cabin. He stood in front of us while the man that led us here and about five other soldiers stood behind him.
The man was very tall, and rather handsome. He was no more than six years older than me, and he had the eyes of a man capable of causing great pain. He had a number of badges and pins on his tan uniform, so he was obviously high ranking. A high ranking pig. He looked at all of us as if we were things in a store to be bought, as if we were not actual human beings but toys for his amusement. I grabbed my mother's hand reflexively, because I was afraid of this man.
"I am looking for a maid to do various chores at my house," he said calmly, as if telling a joke. There was the undercurrent of cruelty in his voice that made my knees turn weak from fear. "Of course, you will not be paid," he said with a laugh, and the others laughed along with him. Humiliation and hate clouded my brain. "But you are expected to live in my house, for I require 24 hour service. Lodgings and food will be provided, and it is much better than living here. Not that you'll have a choice," he finished, still with that calm voice with a hint of laughter and meanness.
My heart lept with hope. I had a chance of getting out of here. As long as I did the chores that this man asked, I would have a warm bed to sleep in and food to eat. Immediately, I was ashamed of myself. What about my mother? How could I just leave her here to face this hell alone? My previous thoughts sickened me. Had I really changed so much? So fast?
I felt my mother squeeze my hand, and I looked at her. We always had a way of communicating without saying words, and I saw that in her eyes she wanted me to be safe. "If he offers, take the job," she whispered, so quietly that no one else could hear. I smiled gratefully at her, and thought that she must be the best mother in the world.
My thoughts were interrupted by the man's perplexing voice. "Whoever can read, step forward," he said loudly. I had learned to read when I was five, so I stepped forward. Here was my chance.
Mostly all the women stepped forward, except for my mother, a few younger girls, and about three other women. The man surveyed us all, then conducted his next order.
"Whoever can sew, step forward." I learned to sew when I was eight, so I stepped forward along with six other women. My heart began to beat faster.
"Whoever can clean an entire house within a half hour, step forward." I stepped forward, for I was always cleaning my entire house from top to bottom before the war. I can do this, I thought. There were five of us left, all standing together in a line. It was his time to choose.
As he approached us, I held my head up high, trying to appear confident. Don't let them see your fear, I said to myself, banishing my fear away. He eyed us scrupulously. I turned my head to my left, where the other four were lined up beside me. There were three older women, and a girl no older than thirteen who looked like she might faint at any moment. He inspected all of them, then finally came to where I was standing. My heart hammered in my chest.
We locked eyes, his brown eyes meeting my blue ones. I didn't look away. He examined my face, and I turned bright red under his scrutiny. He looked at me as if he were looking at a piece of furniture he was considering to buy.
His voice cut at the air like shards of glass. "What's your name, girl?" he asked sharply. I had a sudden urge to spit in his face. I swallowed harshly and said, "Lisbet Sobbell, sir." My voice rang out very loud and very confident. It was extremely different from what I was feeling. I was careful to use the word "sir", not to anger him by being disrespectful.
"You're very pretty," he said in a whisper, more to himself than to me. He seemed to resent this, wanting to insult me but not knowing how. I said nothing, hating this man but nonetheless wanting to work for him.
He suddenly turned around and addressd the rest of his men. "I choose this one. Take the rest and bring them to the barracks," he barked at them, his voice no longer calm. I locked eyes with my mother, and I gave her a look that said I would try to see her soon.
"Follow me." the man said, even more sharply before. He led the way with me behind him until we reached a clean, new-looking car that was located behind the cabin. My heart pounded even harder in my chest. "Get in," he said, with a trace of cruelty in his voice. "And try not to touch anything. I don't want your Jew filth all over my new car."

I suddenly regretted this very much.

Amazing story and i believe it hasbeen set up for a greatplot. cntinue and pm the rest to me plaese???? you don't have to, any way. STILL it's perfect. great character and emotional descrition.

I've read all the chapters and I need more, my life depends on it. Any second now my heart may stop beating inside my chest and I'll fall to the floor in a state of unconsciousness. Could you PM when there's chapter 5 and others I would really, really appreciate it!

Thank you guys!
And sure, snickerdooly. I'll PM you when it's done! <3

BeautifulDoom

Hey BD! Alright, so first off if I say anything mean, don't take it personally, this is meant to help improve your writing, and if I sound mean I'm not trying to be okay?

Alrighty then! First, the title. The first part is okay, but the other part just makes me go "Ehhh". It makes me feel kind of like you're saying Jews aren't beautiful, which I know you're not, but that was just my first impression.

Now I feel like you're kind of rushing this story, trying to move the plot along instead of focusing on the details. Like the characters, I don't get any sense for them, and I don't really care much for the MC even, so far she seems self centered. I didn't even realize her brother was a teenager until you said so, I got the impression he was like 6-8 years old.

Slow down, take time to introduce your characters, give them quirks, personalities, make us love them, hate them. This seems like it could be an interesting plot line, and I think this is the best chapter so far, but I think it's really a pretty rough draft.

I think it's pretty interesting though, not perfect, and needs some work, but with a little editing I think it could be great .

Keep writing.

~Hope

Hi, it's PenNPaper here.

Worry for my father and brother began to gnaw at me

'Worry' should be 'worries'.

Well I would say that I like your story very much, you have an interesting plot and also a well developed character. You could have held the suspense a little longer though. Like when the man was choosing the maid. You could say that the MC was hesitant but she ended up changing her mind.

Hope to see more of this soon, Bye!

Hi Beautiful Doom,

Imagery is your main problem. Storyline and plot is also skewed but the magnitude of the lack of description, and what I call pseudo-description, overshadows all other issues. I will focus on that first.

BeautifulDoom wrote:My mother and I were alone in a sea of strangers. Strangers they were, but somehow I considered them all my family. My kind. We all had two things in common: we were all women, and we were all Jews. My heart ached for both myself and the group of hapless women in which were now my new companions in this dark corner of the world.

I haven't read the first few chapters of this story, but you consider them family because they're women and Jews? That's it? There's no way that a Jew taken from her home in wherever, dumped onto several transit camps and death trains and finally finding herself in Auschwitz would immediately begin to form bonds with people she doesn't know. She would trust nobody, especially after the cruelty I'm sure she's seen before this episode. She wouldn't be so clear in her belief that everybody around her is a companion, a comrade in arms. Fear, desperation, and uncertainty should be showed in the way she describes objects and events. Emotion colors all, and you need to encapsulate that within words as you currently do not do.

For example, "my heart ached for both myself blah blah". First of all, that sounds sappy, but beyond that, it doesn't really show us anything. How can your heart "ache"? There are ways to weave a concrete touch to the skin into something as infused with symbolism as the heart, but you need to take an extra step and compare it to a feeling, a sound, a smell, a sight that the reader is familiar with.

Worry for my father and brother began to gnaw at me as we were all ordered to form a line. We marched across the terrain of Auschwitz for five minutes, then were ordered to a stop in front of a small but well-built cabin, no doubt that housed some of the more important soldiers. We were ordered to stand shoulder to shoulder while a man walked out of the cabin. He stood in front of us while the man that led us here and about five other soldiers stood behind him.

See above. She's talking about this experience in a very detached way - "no doubt that housed...", phrases like that are almost annoyingly objective in their scope in what should be a very subjective incident. Show it. Put fear into your words. Put uncertainty. She doesn't know what the houses are for, then why bother thinking about who owns them? She has bigger problems on her hands right now.

The man was very tall, and rather handsome. He was no more than six years older than me, and he had the eyes of a man capable of causing great pain. He had a number of badges and pins on his tan uniform, so he was obviously high ranking. A high ranking pig. He looked at all of us as if we were things in a store to be bought, as if we were not actual human beings but toys for his amusement. I grabbed my mother's hand reflexively, because I was afraid of this man.

Again, "because I was afraid of this man" doesn't cut it. If you have to step up and tell the reader all this outright, nobody will care. The feelings should be in the imagery. Describe him in a way that induces worry in us without having to tell us. I see that you have tried to do so with the entire "things in a store" analogy, but it's not enough and again, it's written very objectively.

"I am looking for a maid to do various chores at my house," he said calmly, as if telling a joke. There was the undercurrent of cruelty in his voice that made my knees turn weak from fear. "Of course, you will not be paid," he said with a laugh, and the others laughed along with him. Humiliation and hate clouded my brain. "But you are expected to live in my house, for I require 24 hour service. Lodgings and food will be provided, and it is much better than living here. Not that you'll have a choice," he finished, still with that calm voice with a hint of laughter and meanness.

The man isn't done well. He seems like a stereotypical cartoon villain than a Nazi with the blood of old women and newborns on his hands. The joke, the "undercurrent of cruelty", the "laughter and meanness" - all these things make for a very rough outline of a villain that isn't really going anywhere. Cut out some of the most obvious attempts to make him evil, such as the examples I talked about right now. Let him, not you, show the evil that lies within his pressed uniform.

I'm not going to finish critiquing the rest of this line-by-line, as I feel that most of the problems I have covered above can apply to the whole story. It just sounds too far-fetched. The head Nazi, especially, makes the reader cringe because you try so hard in making him ruthless and that itself turns on its head. It's as if, in order to make cookie batter sweet, you dumped in two barrels of sugar. There is such a thing as overdoing personality through the author, and that's what you, unfortuantely, have done to the villain. Scale it down. Give us slow hints of his malice and desire to humiliate and do harm to the women. Don't make it so obvious.

Have you seen Schindler's List? Part of the reason I ask this is because this story sounds very similar to a sub-plot in the movie, but a greater reason is that the main villain, Amon Goeth, is somebody you should try to re-enact (at least a little, obviously not completely) when scoping the rise and fall of the reflection of evil within someone. He starts out rather benignly, traveling through a car and blowing his nose. That's the first impression the audience gets, and while he's in a Nazi uniform, he doesn't seem all that worse than the other guards. This soon changes, however, when his actions begin to become more and more deranged and that of a psychopath, climaxing at some point in the movie. Look to these characteristics as a model, at least in the beginning. Once you have the hang of creating good villains, then you can branch out and put different twists on them yourself. But first, you need to know how to lay the foundation.

This needs much work. Good luck.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I disagree with Galerius almost everywhere! Especially with recreating a character from Schindler's List I'd insist on keeping the originality of this work, as opposed to intertwining the ideas with film. As for lack of description it just depends on what style of writing you appreciate and I think if you're going to review perhaps take a general open mind to who the audiences could potentially be?

Anyway, I'll be reviewing this soon BeautifulDoom (just read it! XD)
Watch this space.
Ben

And I think you missed my point almost everywhere!

Thanks for playing, though.

BondGirl007- I definitely see what you're saying about slowing down character development. In the next few chapters, though, you get to know my main character a lot better. Her thoughts, her actions, and pretty much her whole personality is revealed. Thanks for the review! :]

PenNPaper- Thanks for your feedback, and actually in the beginning I intended her little brother to be really young, but then I realized it wouldn't fit the story that well. So I definitely see what you're talking about. Thanks again! XD

Galerius- Thank you for your review :] I can't say I agree with all of it, but some of the recommendations I do find helpful. You're a really good reviewer. Thanks for the suggestions!

BenFranks- Haha, you're awesome. Can't wait for the review! xD

Hey there!
I'm around to it atlast, so sorry for the await
Any'oo like usual my thoughts and suggestions are in the italic coloured writing. I hope it's not too boring to read (I thought I'd do them in green today)!

BeautifulDoom wrote:Chapter Four


My mother and I were alone in a sea of strangers. Okay, the "s"eas of "s"trangers. I love how you've opened it up with the cheesy alliteration. Except, don't worry becuase it seems natural, so its kind of a 'smile' line. Strangers they were, but somehow I considered them all my family. In a historical context this makes perfect sense. I think you've positioned yourself in a Jew's situation and that's thrown the good effect back on us and makes it far easier to familiarise with. My kind. Brilliant short line. As well as being gripping it seals that heart wrenching thing that the Germans did and it just flows wonderfully. I'd change the sentence to: "them all my family; my kind." as I think the semi colon allows it to read a little better. We all had two things in common: we were all women,(no comma needed) and we were all Jews. My heart ached for both myself and the group of hapless women in which were now my new companions in this dark corner of the world. Right after a very good start this is my first nitpick. I didn't feel this read write. My suggestion is to rephrase it as follows: "My heart ached for both the group of hapless women and I; They were now my new companions in this dark corner of the world." - I hope you can see why.
Worry for my father and brother began to gnaw at me as we were all ordered to form a line. I like this. I think you should've put a line in before it though, refreshing the setting a little. Perhaps describe the weather as murky and compare it to the dirt under their feet? I don't know, just a little suggestion. We marched across the terrain (<- good choice of vocab) of Auschwitz for five minutes, then were ordered to a stop infront of a small but well-built cabin,(comma needs to be replaced by a full stop or semi colon. The comma doesn't really work for me and makes the sentence a little long) no doubt that housed some of the more important soldiers. We were ordered to stand shoulder to shoulder while a man walked out of the cabin. I think the description of him should be put in here. He stood in front of us while the man that led us here and about five other soldiers stood behind him. Good scene setting and I like the simplicity.
{{{The man was very tall, and rather handsome. He was no more than six years older than me, and he had the eyes of a man capable of causing great pain. He had a number of badges and pins on his tan uniform, so he was obviously high ranking. A high ranking pig.}}} < I'd put this where I said earlier so that the structure's a little less jumpy. He looked at all of us as if we were things in a store to be bought. As if we were not actual human beings but toys for his amusement. I grabbed my mother's hand reflexively. because I was afraid of this man. By making all the sentences short you make the fluency choppy and this allows the reader to dwell on the tension. I've suggested replacing a few commas with full stops here and I think it reads better. "because" was a little too formal for me. "I was afraid of this man" is powerful and full of enough impact to have its own sentence.
"I am looking for a maid to do various chores at my house," he said calmly, as if telling a joke. It may just be me, but I'm not sure of the idea of relating his calmness to a "joke". What I'd suggest is just keeping it simple and ending with calmly, before going on to say this >> There was the undercurrent of cruelty in his voice that made my knees turn weak from fear. That was a brilliant piece of description. It paints the person perfectly, but like an impressionist. The reader still has their own imaginative opinion of him and that's essential. "Of course, you will not be paid," he said with a laugh, and the others laughed along with him. Okay, this is where you can insert the jokey references. I'd reword as this: "he said jokily, and the others laughed in compliance." It makes him sound more authorative, don't you agree? Humiliation and hate clouded my brain. - Excellent. "But you are expected to live in my house, for I require 24 hour service. Lodgings and food will be provided, and it is much better than living here. Not that you'll have a choice," he finished, still with that calm voice with a hint of laughter and meanness. I like the dialogue of this man, he's got the authority and the hated atmosphere about him. What I would do though is remove the line I've crossed out and put something like: "he finished, still with that calm voice, drenched in ill humour."
My heart lept with hope, for I had a chance of getting out of here. More fluent? Agreed? As long as I did the chores that this man asked, I would have a warm bed to sleep in and food to eat. You could mention her mind being skeptical. Immediately, I was ashamed of myself. This is good. I like it when you drive the emotion through your narrative character, it's my favourite bit about your writing. What about my mother? How could I just leave her here to face this hell alone? My previous thoughts sickened me. Good. Had I really changed so much? So fast? There's a good split division of personality here but I'm not too sure. As much as it shows curiousity there's a sense that her character is developing too quickly and perhaps this paragraph needs a little more elaboration.
I felt my mother squeeze my hand, and I looked at her. We always had a way of communicating without saying words,(no comma needed) and I saw that in her eyes she wanted me to be safe. The problem I have with this is that the plot development seems to be a little too obvious, perhaps peeled away too much. I think you should make the mother have some unsurity about it. "If he offers, take the job," she whispered, so quietly that no one else could hear. I smiled gratefully at her, and thought that she must be the best mother in the world. Okay, this is good, but like I said, try and make it more discrete.
My thoughts were interrupted by the man's perplexing voice - interesting and colourful vocab choice!. "Whoever can read, step forward," he said loudly. I had learned to read when I was five, so I stepped forward. Here was my chance. Its good and there's potential for tense plot development.
Mostly all of the women stepped forward, except for my mother, a few younger girls,(remove comma) and about three other women. The man surveyed us all, then conducted his next order. I like the description of his actions.
"Whoever can sew, step forward." I learned to sew when I was eight, so I stepped forward along with six other women. My heart began to beat faster. Okay, what I would suggest is that instead of saying that she can sew, you should say she can't. But lies. This would make it far more gripping.
"Whoever can clean an entire house within a half hour, step forward." I stepped forward, for I was always cleaning my the entire house from top to bottom before the war. I can do this, I thought. Good use of italics. There were five of us left, all standing together in a line. It was his time to choose. Great way to round off a paragraph and there's no loss of tension.
As he approached us, I held my head up high, trying to appear confident. Don't let them see your fear, I said to myself, banishing my fear it away like a mongrel dog (Just a suggestion XD, I don't even know what mongrel means, but it sounds good. Haha, my point is that i think little similes dotted in places like this will improve your writing). He eyed us scrupulously. Not sure about that word. I turned my head to my left, where the other four were lined up beside me. There were three older women, and a girl no older than thirteen who looked like she might faint at any moment. Good. We're being shown the competition and I think the addition of the potential to faint is a good one. He inspected all of them, then finally came to where I was standing. My heart hammered in my chest and my eyes locked to his. (This would be a better way to end... then you can start the next paragraph as follows:
We locked eyes, his brown eyes meeting my blue ones. I didn't look away. A short snappy opening line, yes? little improvements = great overall effect. He examined my face, and I turned bright red under his scrutiny. Brilliant feel and description. He looked at me as if he were looking at a piece of furniture he was considering to buy. I'm not sure about the formality of "considering furniture". Perhaps you should make it more horrid, like: "He looked at me as if I was nothing. Yet at the same time, I knew he wanted me." - There's a bigger lust for tension if it's like this.
His voice cut at the air like shards of glass. "What's your name, girl?" he asked sharply. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! I love that character dialogue and the picture you've given. Stunning. I had a sudden urge to spit in his face. -- That wouldn't go down well xD I swallowed harshly and said, "Lisbet Sobbell, sir." My voice rang out very loud and very confident. Getting rid of the first "very" tidies this up in my opinion. It was extremely different from what I was feeling. I was careful to use the word "sir", not to anger him by being disrespectful. SHows character intelligence, but I think we need more lust for tension.
"You're very pretty," he said in a whisper, more to himself than to me. He seemed to resent this, wanting to insult me but not knowing how. That's an interesting interpretation and says a little about your character. In a historical context the use of Jewish housemaids for SS Officers was for some, let's say, "explicit interest". I said nothing, hating this man but nonetheless wanting to work for him. I like the contrast of choices and difficulties.
He suddenly turned around and addressd the rest of his men. "I choose this one. Take the rest and bring them to the barracks," he barked at them, his voice no longer calm. Good change of character. I [[locked eyes]] - use alternative. Otherwise its repetitive. with my mother, and I gave her a look that said I would try to see her soon. I'd install more concepts of worry. brew it up, make it dramatic. Try and make out that although your narrative character doesn't want to go and desperately wants to stay with her family, the mother is giving her a harsh reassurance to go and do it, to "be safe". See what I mean? The emotion that's in chapter one puts this family so close together and I need to see more of that connectivity.
"Follow me." the man said, even more sharply before. He led the way with me behind him until we reached a clean, new-looking car that was located behind the cabin. My heart pounded even harder in my chest. I like that. "Get in," he said, with a trace of cruelty in his voice. "And try not to touch anything. I don't want your Jew filth all over my new car." That's again an interesting perspective. The Jew being in the same car would've been rare, if ever, but there's plot development and historical accuracy isn't entirely needed. Well-written though.

I suddenly regretted this very much. Good ending, but "very much" drags it on a little.

A little historical note
Auchwitz was a deathcamp during the Third Reich. This basically meant that the Jewish people weren't sent there to work, they were sent there to be killed efficiently. It was part of the movement of the Soviets getting ever closer to the Polish border and the Nazi SS needed to find a far quicker way to kill off the "sub human Jews" than shooting them. So they gased them after stripping them of everything. In this book so far, I'm getting a feeling that you're mistaking it for a labourcamp, which is obviously where the Nazis sent Jews to work until dead or until so starved they were useless and ready to be sent to a deathcamp and be killed. -- Just thought this might help and perhaps if you are talking about a labourcamp, you should find an alternative name.

Overall!
- Again, very well written and I love some description in it!

Keep it up,
Ben

This is coming along very well. You added more depth to the character and the climax. Where you left off it made me want to read more. I cannot wait for the next chapter. I still feel that you are telling us what is going on more than showing us. It seems too fast also. Slow down a bit and describe the land more and the characters in appearance. With some editing this will be great. It has potential. Keep writing!

Thanks ballerina! I'll have chapter four up by tomorrow! :]

This is...amazing...I've read all your chapters in fifteen minutes, and if I don't get more soon I might die! Please please PLEASE lol. This is coming along nicely. I love the way it is developing, and I love the main character, she's bold and sensible. -is impatiently waiting for next chapter-
Keep Writing!
~Shaard

I love this book so far!! It's amazing, like TigerShaard said. The plot is very interesting, I haven't read/heard about books that are taken place in Auschwitz. It's a very good book. I hope you continue this book and post more soon!

- DeadEndsAreOptional