Young Writers Society

Love of Words
Chapter 2

I sighed as we arrived at the dark forest green door. The white mansion seemed to loom above us and my mother knocked. A man in uniform answered the door and led us into the parlor.

"Oh Elizabeth! How wonderful to see you! Oh and you have brought Abigail along," she smiled, but her smile quickly faded as she spotted a splotch of ink on my hand.

"What is that on your hand?" she questioned and grabbed my hand quickly, not even giving me a warning. "Ink!" she squeaked. "Elizabeth, you aren't letting your daughter continue those fantasies are you?"

"No! Of course not!" My mother gave me a stern look. "She was writing a letter."
I looked at my mother, dumbstruck, but quickly covered the shock.

"Oh, is that so? Whom to?"

"Colonel Jackson," my mother answered before I could take in a breath.

"Oh! Abigail! What a fine man you have found! Oh he will be so delighted that you will be coming to the ball in three days!"

I stared at my mother. How could she do this to me? I haven't even uttered a word and I was already a lover of someone! Colonel Jackson no less!

"What ball?" Finally I spoke.

"Oh the one at the Fredricks of course! You were invited were you not?"

"We were, I hadn't told Abigail yet. Charles came home with the invatation last night."

I nearly fainted right then and there. A ball. A handsome man, and confusion. I would be dancing at a ball, with a man who had never known I even existed.

I sighed as we arrived at the dark forest green door. The white mansion seemed to loom above us and my mother knocked. A man in uniform answered the door and led us into the parlor.

This is a fairly fast paced beginning. I think you should slow it down and describe the mansion. Is there a garden around it, anyone tending to it? Did the horses snort or whinny when they stepped out of the carriage? Was the carriage supposed to wait for their return? Just throw in some description!

Her mother knocked? Okay, how long did they have to wait? Was it still sunny out and they were sweating in their corsets? Which, of course, I am assuming they are wearing. You haven’t quite made the timeline apparent yet. Although I am assuming it is the late 1800’s in England somewhere.

So some man led them into this empty house? Did he bow to them? Describe the parlour please!

"Oh Elizabeth! How wonderful to see you! Oh and you have brought Abigail along," she smiled, but her smile quickly faded as she spotted a splotch of ink on my hand.

Who is saying this? I know it’s the Lady…can’t remember her name. But she just came out of nowhere as if by magic and started talking. I think you should at least put in there where she came from. And describe what she looks like!

"No! Of course not!" My mother gave me a stern look. "She was writing a letter."
I looked at my mother, dumbstruck, but quickly covered the shock.

Not enough character thoughts and actions! You’re characters are sorta flat as you aren’t developing them enough.

"Oh, is that so? Whom to?"

Again here, add some character actions. Say the Lady raises an eyebrow and eyes the MC with curiosity.

"Colonel Jackson," my mother answered before I could take in a breath.

I stared at my mother. How could she do this to me? I haven't even uttered a word and I was already a lover of someone! Colonel Jackson no less!

I would place these two paragraphs together as they seem more suited. Also, who is the Colonel Jackson? Explain him to your reader. Does your MC know of him?

"What ball?" Finally I spoke.

Character thoughts and actions inserted here.

I nearly fainted right then and there. A ball. A handsome man, and confusion. I would be dancing at a ball, with a man who had never known I even existed.

This is a good way to end it. Makes your reader want to know what is going to happen next

~~~~~

This is a very short chapter two. It wasn’t even three hundred words! I believe the problem you are having is with description and character development. You defiantly need to place more description into your story to make it more lively and realistic. Everything is just too flat and it seems almost like a play. No character actions, no description. The people are just talking.

Your characters defiantly need to be worked on. Your MC needs more thoughts and she is the only way your readers are going to know what is going on. So, explain things. Not too much as to prevent info dumping but not as little as what you are using at the moment. And you should describe their body/facial movements.

The beginning, I would have thought describing the bumpy carriage ride to the Lady’s house and the conversation about the MC’s writings and or her suitor problems. But…this works!

If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! Your work has plenty of potential and I can’t wait to read more!

Good luck!

Meadow

So short!

A man in uniform answered the door and led us into the parlor.

Uniform, to me, sounds like a man dressed in a Navy, Marines, Army uniform, not, I suppose, a butler's? I think he deserves to be said to wear a suit. haha

"Oh, is that so? Whom to?"

it would be 'to whom.'

Ooh, the ending is so romantic, but I think you could have put it in a more poetic tone, no?

Sorry my reviews are so short! Haha, I am rushing, trying to get some in because I won't be around.

I really like this, but am hoping you don't stir into the cliche pot.

Keep writing, Classy.

I found this very fast paced and rushed. It was also very short but that is alright. You could add some more detail such as what does the mansion look like, are the lawns tamed and well kept or strewn about with workers, is the house orderly,cozy? What? Describe more things to us, it will capture the readers attention and urge them to read on. Seeing that it was so short it is hard to discuss it. I feel though that you have created more plot and a interesting conflict. You could even throw in the other sister and elaborate on her too. This was good. I hope that my review helped and that it was not to rude. Great Job. *Gold Star*