Young Writers Society

Chapter 3

Oh, I can’t stand this any more! Thought Emily desperately, pulling her shawl around her and quickly running up the steep steps to the door. Surprisingly, it was unlocked. She quietly opened the latch, and tip-toed onto the deck.
Surely no one will notice me.
She ran over to the ship’s railing and took in deep breaths of the fresh air. The stench in the hull had been so strong that she couldn’t bear it. People had been sick in the rough storm when they were just of England’s coast. Now they were halfway, and she didn’t know weather to feel happy or scared about the new country she was heading towards. As she stood there, the salty breeze blowing her straggly hair, and pondering, all the struggle of the last couple of days was forgotten for a short time, as she savoured the moment of freedom. She forgot she was on a prison ship, and imagined that she was...

“Oy” a sailor hailed her, and then swaggered over, looking her up and down. Emily shrank from him, and wrinkled her nose in disgust at his unwashed smell. He leered at her and grabbed her arm, squeezing it cruelly.
“You come with me, miss” he hissed, starting to pull her roughly away from the rail.
“No, let me go you brute!” she gasped and beat at him with her small fists. The burly sailor laughed raucously, and pulled her into his arms. He grabbed a handful of her hair to stop her getting away. She screamed, and slapped his face with all her might. He swore loudly, and drew back his hand to hit her, when the captain spotted him.
“Leave her alone and get back to your work” he commanded, striding down the gangway. The sailor snarled at Emily again and pushed her away from him, against the rail, before stamping off angrily.

The captain stopped next to the now sobbing Emily.
“You shouldn’t be on the deck. It’s your fault. Most of the sailors are not worth their salt. But you’d better be getting back down” he firmly took her back to her dark, smelly prison. She stopped halfway down and glanced back at him. The look on her face was one of despair and sadness. The captain quickly shut the door and locked it, clenching his teeth.
Blast it; a man can’t let his feelings get the better of him on a ship like this! She’s only one of hundreds of such unfortunate dirt. He pushed the incident out of his mind and went back to his cabin.
Down below, the confused and hurt Emily huddled in her corner, quietly crying.

Some other women looked up
“What made you do such a silly thing as to go up there? Pfff, stupid...thought she could jump over the side, did she?” the ringleader laughed shrilly, and some others joined in. Emily curled up tighter, and put her hands over her ears. The woman poked her in the back and said something to her friends, and they started laughing again, one of them began imitating what she thought had happened, and the room got very noisy. Some other convicts yelled at them to be quiet, but they didn’t take any notice, until a guard banged on their door.

They quickly stifled their laughter, but the ringleader snorted and the door was thrown open. An officer came down as far as his nose would let him.
“Who started that ruckus? Asked the officer, glancing around and grimacing at the conditions he beheld. The shabby woman stood up and put her hands on her hips defiantly, and fluttered her eyelashes at the man. He took no notice of her, but ordered a sailor to tie her hands behind her back. She squealed and struggled
“What did I do, I was only laughing at a joke, let me go you – “she protested, as she was hauled out of the hull.
Soon, Emily felt sick, as she heard the dreadful screaming, and the sound of the cat o' nine tails. Later, the beaten and now silent woman was thrown back into the hull. She lay where she had fallen, and no one around her blinked an eyelid at what had gone on.
Oh, I wish this would end...

If anyone is going to crit this, please read the first two chapters first. I'd really like someone to critique this, so I know what to improve in the next chapter. Please!!!!!

(if you could link us, it would make our lives easier.)

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4586


Ok, here is the link to the other chapters

Pretty good
I kind of simmed it though, I'm feeling neausous from my meds but this is still pretty good.
Leaves me thinking about things... hmm....
hee hee

isn't sentence spelled.... S-E-N-T-E-N-C-E or am I just seeing the A in the title....

Bah....

thanks for letting me know about the A, Mesh

Boni_Bee wrote:she didn't know weather

Wrong it's 'whether'.

This is getting better and I can just imagine what it's like on the ship and the bully women.

Good job, there aren't any spelling mistakes and you have spaced out your work.

Thanks Nefer!

Okay...this is getting better and better! Just a few tiny mistakes

"...she couldn't bare it"

It should be bear, not bare.

"You shouldn't be on deck"

It should be "on the deck"

I really like this chapter, honestly, I think it's much better than the first two. Looking forward to reading more. Keep up the good work.

Thanks!!! I'm going to write a prologue, so you'll all stop asking why Thomas Witting is acting that way!

Oh, I can't stand this any more! Thought Emily desperately, pulling her shawl around her and quickly running up the steep steps to the door. -- Oh, I can't stand this anymore! Emily thought desperately, pulling her shawl....

cat-o-nine-tails -- It should be cat o' nine tails and this was only used in the navy/army. A normal whip would have been used on a prisoner.

This needed a little more, it was a bit too short for a chapter and the sailor seemed drunk. He shouldn't be drunk if he was on duty.

I'll read the next bit now.

Ummm....I think you need to do a bit of research on this era, so you can understand the story better lol....
The Cat o' nine tails was most commonly used as a punishment, and if you read a convicts story, you can bet they'll have had a 'taste' of it ^_^

Thanks for the comment...

Well, in the the history books I have read they stated that a whip woul have been used, a cat o' nine tails would be for a soldier in a navy/army because they wanted discipline.

I know the Victorian Era well, I've studied it for over two years!

She appears to be constantly readjusting her shawl at the beginning of each chapter...unless this is a trend that should be noted and will mean something later on the story, I suggest you get rid of it.

'Blast it; a man can’t let his feelings get the better of him on a ship like this! She’s only one of hundreds of such unfortunate dirt.'

Again, why oh why is she so special? These people would be dealing with the poor all the time; she was most certainly not better than all the others just by herself. EXPLAIN, WOMAN!

'Asked the officer, glancing around and grimacing at the conditions he beheld. The shabby woman stood up and put her hands on her hips defiantly, and fluttered her eyelashes at the man. He took no notice of her, but ordered a sailor to tie her hands behind her back. She squealed and struggled '

I don't know why I liked that so much...I think it was the fact that you didn't mention much, but we get the picture of the total passiveness of the crew, who see this every day, contrasted with the sorts of trash that get put on these ships who think they can just completely change things by themselves. Very good, I must say.

Next section!

Thanks, Sam

Ok, I'll get rid of the shawl

Hmm...I'll have to re-think the soldiers lines, lol