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Young Writers Society


Mei (working title) - chapter 4



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Sun Oct 12, 2008 2:56 pm
happy-go-lucky says...



'Mei!' shrieked Jia angrily to her sister, as she stormed in on the girl, who sat cross-legged on the floor tiles reading. “Mei, for goodness sake help me!” Mei looked up from her book – why did her sister always have the annoying habit of interrupting her at the best part? She said nothing in reply to her older sister but merely gave a bewildered look.

'Our guests have arrived – hungry and thirsty – and you aren’t ready! Do you expect me to do everything?!' Jia paced trying not to tear her hair out or touch her face, which she had spent a good hour perfecting with powder, to control the panic inside of her.

'Sorry,' Mei mumbled, preventing her fingers itching to grab her book and continuing her desired read.

'AND,' Jia continued, ignoring her younger sister’s apology. 'Yusheng isn’t helping either! Why doesn't anyone understand the importance of today?!'

'Jia, calm youself! You do not know either! We don't even know who's coming,' she explained slouching.

'Well all I know is that they're in the stables right now getting off of their horses and -'

'Horses?' Mei interuppted her. 'Didn't they come in a carriage?'

'They're soldiers Mei!' Jia shrieked. 'Soldiers! This could be the making of all of us!'

She was stopped by Mei, who was sick of being drained by her sister’s constant lecture. 'Very well, I’m coming! Just let me get dressed and I’ll be right there!' Slipping out of her clothes she removed her best dress from the bed where it had been laid out neatly and slipped it over her head with a significant lack of care. Jia gave a sniff of disgust when Mei declared herself presentable and restrained herself from commenting on her deficiency of makeup. Then, dragging herself after Jia, the pair hurried to the kitchen.

'Here,' said their mother giving them a water jug each. 'Fill up the troughs in the stable.' Mrs Hai's face was red with urgency. 'Where is your sister?' she shouted after them.

'Perfecting herself!' replied Jia mockingly as she walked speedily outside. Mei could here her mother's piercing screech as she called Yusheng and she felt glad that she was out of the house. Jia rapidly slowed her pace to a graceful walk as they neared the stables and Mei thought it wise to copy this gesture. She bent her head low as they walked through the door, her eyes fixed on the hay-covered floor hardly daring to move. She heard her father's voice announce them as they came in then excuse himself as he "went to help his wife".

It was not until she had reached the trough that Mei plucked up the courage to look around. The gray horse pawed at the ground with it's hoof and snorted slightly as the water trickled on to the metal. She put the jug down and stuck a hand out slowly to calm it, touching it's velvet nose with her palm. The horse's tail swished a little and pricked it's ears back as it nudged at her hand. Mei smiled as she stroked it's neck and the horse gave a small whinney of delight.

'You have quite a way with animals,' said a voice behind her. Immidiately she twisted around in embaressment. He wore full armour and had a look of definite look of superiority about him. He stood tall in his attire, looking no older than his early twenties, and had a subtle handsome quality about his face which shone with every grin that came across it. Mei blushed, cursing herself for not putting on any powder. 'You must be the youngest Hai daughter,' he said. She nodded wishing that she knew what to say. Jia's eyes watched jealously as the man smiled at her little sister.

'Your father tells me that you are an admirer of books,' he started. 'That's quite unusual for a girl of your age. A very strange pastime indeed for one so young.' She was not sure whether to thank him or not - how could she determine whether he was complimenting her or not?

Instead Jia replied for her. 'Oh yes, Mei's always got her head stuck in a book,' she said, her tone slightly flirty.

'She is very well read,' complimented Yusheng. Mei nodded a thanks to her eldest sister, she had not even seen her come in but she was so grateful that she had done.

'Ah,' interupted a man in the corner of the stable. 'But I'd be careful though. Being well-read can become a bad quality in a woman.' He was tall and looked around the same age as he man who Mei had been talking to previously. His black eyes had a certain depth to them which Mei could not quite put her finger on. It was obvious that he did not enjoy the company of others and was not as happy to be there as the other soldiers.

'How so?' asked Yusheng protectively, eyeing Jia trying hard not to let her weak knees cave in.

'Many men would find it abnormal,' he started giving an enigmatic smile in Mei's direction. 'You may find it hard finding her a match.'

Mei felt her cheeks turn a little pinker – then wished even more she could have spared a minute to powder her face. Seeing Mei’s ill-hidden reaction, Yusheng jumped again to her defence, 'I can assure you, Mei will have no trouble finding a match.'

'Quite,' the young man nodded in agreement. 'Even the simplest of girls find a match sooner or later – society does not look gladly upon old maids.' Mei knew he was teasing her, but still she couldn’t help feeling a twinge of anger in the heat of her cheeks.

'So what other talents does the youngest Hai daughter possess?' the first man asked, desperately trying to change the subject.

'Meifeng is a very talented singer and dancer, not to mention a fine embroiderer –' said Yusheng proudly, making Mei flush even more and divert her eyes to the empty jug on the floor in front of her.

'But what use is singing and dancing with a scholar’s brain?' questioned the second man. Nobody defended her this time. By then Yusheng's face was pink underneath her makeup and Jia's eyes were glued to both men and unwilling to risk her chances with either of them.

'Excuse me,' whispered Mei, pushing past them out of the stables. She retired to her bedroom for the remainder of their visit, much to her mothers despair. One thing was certain: these were the rudest guests that Mei had ever encountered.
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"
- Oscar Wilde
  





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Sun Oct 12, 2008 8:20 pm
ashleylee says...



I'm back, Happy! :D

'Mei!' shrieked Jia angrily to her sister, as she stormed in on the girl, who sat cross-legged on the floor tiles reading.


I thought "Mei" was their last name and "Yusheng" was the MC's first name...? I would try to be consistant if it is. If not and you changed the name, forget this comment. :wink:

'Our guests have arrived – hungry and thirsty – and you aren’t ready! Do you expect me to do everything?!' Jia paced comma trying not to tear her hair out or touch her face, which she had spent a good hour perfecting with powder, to control the panic inside of her.



'Sorry,' Mei mumbled, preventing her fingers itching to grab her book and continuing her desired read.


This is worded funny. Try instead something like: ...mumbled, preventing her fingers from moving as they itched to grap her book and continue reading her desired book. or something like that.


Mei could [s]here[/s] hear her mother's piercing screech as she called Yusheng and she felt glad that she was out of the house.


So, the MC is Mei and the older sister is Yusheng??


He wore full armour and had a look of definite [s]look of[/s] superiority about him.


'You must be the youngest Hai daughter,' he said.


Oh, duh!? Gosh, I was just being stupid. "Hai" is their last name and "Mei" is the MC. Sorry, Happy. It's just Ashley's slow day :oops:


'Excuse me,' whispered Mei, pushing past them out of the stables. She retired to her bedroom for the remainder of their visit, much to her mothers despair. One thing was certain: these were the rudest guests that Mei had ever encountered.


I must agree with Mei here. What rude soliders?!

I liked this chapter a lot, Happy! You included so much about the sisters personalities and how they react to each other, which was wonderful. You also gave the reader a chance to see how the sisters react to others.

I thought it was beautifully done!

PM me when you post more! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Wed Oct 22, 2008 12:25 am
Juniper says...



Yay! Alright, I just read all of this and it rocks!! There were a few errors, but Ashley already pointed them out (thanks ash and bares teeth at her for stealing my chance). I can't wait for you to write more! It's so realistic, and hey, where is this based? I know somewhere in Asia, right? But Japan? China? And is the narrator Cupid? :D. I absolutely can't wait to read more! This is the most captivating historical fiction piece I've come across.
Happy writing! (And much MORE please, heh)

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
  








You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon