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Young Writers Society


Mei (working title) - Chapter 1, Part 2



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Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:45 pm
happy-go-lucky says...



So as the girls lay in their beds dreaming, I set to work. That was the night, one Hai Yusheng was absent from her bedchamber.

An hour and a half she lay in wait, silent and still, until he could be sure her little sisters were in a deep sleep. Quietly she sat upright, her blanket slipping off of her slender shoulders. She peered over at her sisters' beds which lay next to her own. Yusheng flinched as Jia rolled over with an extremely unfeminine grunt. She smiled to herself - if her sister could see herself now she'd be mortified.

After a few seconds of noiseless breathing, she plucked up the courage to step foot out of bed. The pine timber creaked from the relief of her weight. She held her breath and scrunched her eyes tightly in apprehension. Not a stir. Opening one eye she snuck a peek at her younger sisters. That had been close. Far too close.

Muttering a quick thanks to her ancestors, she tip-toed light footedly out of their bedchamber. Swiftly, she descended down the corridoor, taking care not to let her bare feet slap to hard on to the stone-flanked floor. Reaching the kitchen, her slippers sat to the inside of the doorway where she had left them. Yusheng slipped her chilly feet inside of them and felt comforted by their warmth. A few paces away, stood the magnificent oak door. Come on you've made it this far... Glancing over her shoulder, she held her breath one last time as she pushed the heavy door open.

The creak came. High pitched and slow. She paused, teeth gritted. In her head she cursed Mei for ignoring her mothers persistant commands that she oil the hinges. She listened for Mr Hai's deep breathing to stop and for footsteps to come and find her. But there was nothing.

Happily she ran out into the grounds, rejoicing in her escape. The leaves on the trees glistened in the moonlight as the crisp spring-night's air blew about the skirt of her nightdress. What a glorious evening it was. Her father had always argued that their garden was most beautiful on a warm summers day, but now she could see that he was wrong. The flowers had not yet come into bloom, the colours had blended in with each other in the dark, the shape of the trees mangled together creating odd looking shapes. But there was certainly something quite magical about it.

Yusheng's hazel brown eyes scanned the fairy-tale like gardens wildly. Then stopped. She had found what she was looking for. The dark figure stood underneath the old willow tree at the bottom corner of the garden. Simultaniously they had caught each other's eyes. Her thin lips curled themselves delicately into a smile, showing her pearly teeth. The figure grinned back at her, their arms outstretched. She ran towards them joyfully flinging her arms around them and holding them tightly. The figure picked her up, twirling her round in celebration. It then put her down and the pair clung to each other.

"I've missed you," the figure whispered into her ear.

Yusheng breathed in his musky scent, savouring his smell. How she had longed for that scent.

"And I you."
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"
- Oscar Wilde
  





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Fri Sep 19, 2008 11:59 pm
ashleylee says...



Hey, Happy! :D

You have no idea how excited I am to read your story. I just love historical fiction so I am pumped and ready to go...

So, here I go to read!

That was the night, one Hai Yusheng was absent from her bedchamber.


This sentence is kind of worded funny. Maybe try something like: That was the night that Hai Yusheng was absent from her bedchamber. I'm not sure "one" is needed in here but if you do want to keep it in there, I suggest a rewrite for that one.

A few paces away, stood the magnificent oak door.


No need for the comma after "away"

She listened for Mr Hai's deep breathing to stop and for footsteps to come and find her.


I'm guessing "Mr. Hai" is her father, right? If he is, I would use "her father" instead as to not confuse the reader :wink: It also makes it more personal for the MC.

Whoa, Yusheng has a boyfriend!? That was a shocker for me! You really caught me off gaurd, Happy. But I'm now I'm super excited for this story. I'm glad that Yusheng has someone. It made me really sad that she didn't.

Well, I really found nothing wrong with it except the things I pointed out above.

So just keep up the good work and PM me when you post more!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to loveā€”and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Tue Sep 23, 2008 6:59 pm
Miss Freckles says...



yep, i agree with ashley wholeheartedly. surprising and lovely to read :)

only thing i noticed:

Her thin lips curled themselves delicately into a smile


that's a bit awkward, how about "curled into a smile delicately"?
he can fly he can fly he can fly he can fly
  








Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon