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Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 5 Part 2



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Mon Sep 08, 2008 4:50 am
Merry_Haven says...



~Hey, everyone. I'm sorry it took me so long to write this. It seems that I lost all my motivation. :cry: But I'm back and ready with part 2. Enjoy! Oh, and two more chapters left!~~~ Edited.~~~

The night air was sweet with the intoxicating smells of cologne and perfume. The nightlife was about as, one, by one black carriages lined up in front of the lower and upper sections. Bath was exquisitely popular when those lavish balls were held. Almacks were filled with fashionable ladies wearing their satin evening gowns. Gentlemen wearing black suits with white canes. The Bath residents absorbed the glamor and rich of high society.
While the rooms were filled with lively conversations, Lucy Malloy was enjoying her time gossiping about the latest rumor.
Lucy touched Helena on the sleeve of her dark green gown, “Did you hear?” She spoke quietly enough for her to understand.
“Hear what, Lucy?” She whispered back.
“I heard, Lady Burlington was seen down a dark alley with no other than the Duke of Nottingham. That's not the good part.” She paused and cast a glance around the room for nosy eavesdroppers. “The best part was that they were seen kissing. You know how she's already married. It's such a scandal, that everyone already knows about it.”
Helena immediately raised her gloved hand to her mouth as she gasped, “Is that really true?”
She nodded, “Yes, it is. I'm surprised she even showed up here.”
“Who?”
Both the girls swiftly turned around seeing Sophia. Who could they possibly be talking about?
“Just no one.” Lucy halfway rolled her eyes, not wanting to explain everything to Sophia.
All Sophia said was, “Oh.”
There was a moment of awkward silence between the girls. This silence is dreadful. I must say something.
“So, Helena-”
“Look!” Lucy squalled, enough for her lady companions to overhear. “It's the Earl of Carsdale.”
Helena leaned to Sophia and muttered, “That's all she ever talks about. Lord McCord this. Lord McCord that. You think she's in love with him.”
Sophia gasped out loud, “What?” A confused emotion filled her expression. “What could you possibly mean?”
“Lord McCord.” Sophia's unanswered question was cut off as they all nodded to Lucy's hello.
“It's a pleasure to see you all.” Suddenly Issac McCord glanced at Lucy and gave her a playful smile.
“Miss Helena?”
They all turned around to see the adorable face of Simon Malloy. “Oh, Mr. Malloy.” They all nodded in hello. “It's a pleasure to see you here.”
“I never miss a chance to go to Almacks.” His cute auburn hair made Helena blush as he smiled at her happily.
“Would you take this next dance with me, Miss Malloy?” Strangely Issac gracefully took Lucy's small, gloved hand and kissed it.
Lucy raised her right hand to her hot, blushing cheek, “I would love too.”
“Miss Ashworth would you do the same, and take this dance with me?” Simon asked.
Helena's cheeks were now different shades of pink and red, “Thank you, Mr. Malloy.”
With the two couples getting ready for the next dance, Sophia felt quite lonely. Why don't I have anyone to dance with? Maybe Lord Covington will come as he promised. I hope he will come soon.
“Ah-hem.” A low voice startled Sophia as she turned around.
“Why, Lord Covington.” I am so glad he's here.
The Lord's hazel eyes shined brightly in the room's light. “Miss Selwood, would you take this next dance with me?”
Sophia, no longer lonely smiled, “I would be honored.”
Richard lifted his arm for her as she connected hers with his. He led her to the floor and they unlinked arms. Facing each other, the English Country Dance began.
“Did you get my letter this morning?” The couples went up, clasped hands and went on.
“I did.”
“Have you considered my proposal?” Both Richard and Sophia went in and out of the dancers.
“I'm sorry. I haven't thought of an answer, yet.”
“No worries.” Everyone went through the intricate patterns of the dance.
“Thank you.” She replied.
“Tomorrow, then?” Richard went up to Sophia, so close that she could feel his breath upon her face.
“Yes, I will have my answer then.” The English Country Dance slowly dwindled down to a stop.
Richard drew Sophia to the side, “I shall call upon you tomorrow.” He said that as he raised her gentle, gloved hand to his lips and kissed.
He then let go, “Goodbye, Miss Selwood.” At those last word, he left disappearing within the crowd.
Sophia lifted her gloved hand to her mouth. His kiss. His warm lips upon my hand. How gentlemen like he is. Sophia started to drift into her thoughts about the handsome Lord Covington. He's so handsome and kind. I think he is the one. The suitor of my choice.
“Sophia!” The cheery voice of Helena was coming closer. Lucy and Helena were now alone.
“How was the dance?” She asked both of them.
“It was extravagant!” Lucy proclaimed. Then strangely the topic of conversation changed. “Oh, James saw you dancing with that Lord Covington, Sophia.”
“What?”
“It's true. I saw him gazing at you the whole time. You'd think he's in love with you.”
In love with me? “I think not. Lucy, you must stop gossiping.” Sophia paused and glanced at both of them, “Come on, let's get some punch. Shall we ladies?” She and Helena left with leaving Lucy dumbfounded. James. How dare he gaze at me. I was dancing with my future husband. Yes, I shall choose Lord Covington as my most suitable husband to be!
Last edited by Merry_Haven on Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<
  





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Mon Sep 08, 2008 5:55 pm
CastlesInTheSky says...



Merry_Haven wrote:~Hey, everyone. I'm sorry it took me so long to write this. It seems that I lost all my motivation. :cry: But I'm back and ready with part 2. Enjoy! Oh, and two more chapters left!

Haha, I know how hard that can be. Yay!! I get to be first reviewer.!!

The nightlife was about as one by one black carriages lined up in front of the lower and upper sections.


Methinks you need commas after "as" and after the second "one".

Almacks were filled with fashionable ladies wearing their sating evening gowns. Gentlemen wearing black suits with white canes.


This has wonderful vocabulary, but I think there's a mispelling of "satin", you wrote, "sating"

She paused and looked for nosy eavesdroppers.


I think a better way to phrase it would be, "She paused and cast a glance around the room for nosy eavesdroppers."


“Just no one.” Lucy halfway rolled her eyes not wanting to explain everything to Sophia.


Methinks there should be a comma after the word "eyes". Hence, "Lucy halfway rolled her eyes, not wanting to explain everything to Sophia.

“Look!” Lucy squealed, enough for the fellow ladies to overhear.


"fellow ladies" is a bit awkward. You might rephrase as, "Look!" Lucy squaled, enough for her lady companions to ovehear.

Lucy raised her right hand to her hot, blushing cheek, “I would love too.”


"I would love to," not "I would love too."

With the two couples getting ready for the next dance, Sophia seemed quite lonely.


A better way to phrase would be, "Sophia felt quite lonely." Because we're seeing it through her eyes, she knows how she's feeling, and "seemed" would only be applied to an outsider looking at her.

He led her to the floor and they unhooked arms.


Unlinked arms? Instead of unhooked?

Facing in front of each other, the English Country Dance began.


Just put, "Facing eachother". "To face" implies they are in front of eachother anyway. :D


Hey, Merry! I loved all of this! The above were all just nitpicks, and not serious issues. You must keep going with this; it's outstanding :D

xxx
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
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Mon Sep 08, 2008 7:14 pm
Night Mistress says...



umm.....

interesting. i was pulling for james and is still pulling for james.

Richad maybe be handsom and a gentleman, but what about his private life?

Have james ask sophia to dance with him. and Lucy...that little butt belong eslewhere. she is nothing but a brat to sophia.

well, i hope you post another piece soon.

i promise that i am working on chapter 4 add-ons but it's getting tought since college is really getting busy.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

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Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:52 pm
Merry_Haven says...



CastlesInTheSky-
Hey, thanks! For the review, of course.
I just edited this chapter, so it makes more sense.
Don't worry, I'm definitely gonna keep on going with this.

Night Mistress-
Thank you, too!
Yeah, I can't stand Lucy, but I must write about her.
I'll be posting when I finish writing then typing.

So thanks guys! It means a lot.
-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<
  





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Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:55 am
jasmine12 says...



WHAAAAA?????? NO REVIEW FROM JASMINE??????? God I am getting SO behind. I am so sorry. I got the message and was all 'okay in two seconds' then idk something must have come up. Darn it!!! Okay, I'm here now though...belated of course....maybe that's just my style. I dunno. Okay I tried doing this with like special colors but just cant figure it out....darn. okay back to my precious squigglies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nightlife was about as, one
,One what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's such a scandal,

EGAD!...i think thats how its said. hah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They all turned around to see the adorable face of Simon Malloy

I love all your characters, but they all come into the scene at once. I think they should be spaced out a bit, dont you think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sophia, no longer lonely smiled, “I would be honored.”

Another comma should go after lonely to seperate the sentence
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love your dialog!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!
Those are al of the errors i found...sorry if i wasnt much of a help...caught up in the story, ya kno. GAHHHHHHH WHHHY NOT JAMES WWWHHHHHYYY haha. oaky im done...
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched
  





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Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:17 pm
ashleylee says...



No, she can’t pick Lord Coven-blah-blah-whatever his name is!!! I want her to be with James!! (actually, I want to be with James, but since that is not going to happen…I’ll allow Sophia to have him.) I really hope you end it with her with James. If you don’t…I’m not sure what I will do but let’s just say I will be extremely unhappy (and I mean this in the kindest way :wink: hehe)

Okay, I’m in sort of a weird mood at the moment so just ignore my blabbing.

On with the review!

The nightlife was about as, one, by one black carriages lined up in front of the lower and upper sections.


Your commas are funny in this sentence. Try something like: The nightlife was about as, one-by-one, black carriages….

It's such a scandal, that everyone already knows about it.”


No need for the comma after “scandal”.

Richard lifted his arm for her as she connected hers with his. He led her to the floor and they unlinked arms. Facing each other, the English Country Dance began.


Now, this is an example of your over telling. Try to describe things more like: Richard lifted his arm for hers to connect elbows with her. Guiding her out onto the dance floor, the other couples swirled around them, pairing off to face each other. With a quick announcement from the band members, the English Country Dance began with a tweet of a horn. or something like that. By doing this, you slow up the pace and emphasize certain points in the story. Try to work that in to all of your writing.

He said that as he raised her gentle, gloved hand to his lips and kissed.


Missing “it” at the end of the sentence.

“How was the dance?” She asked both of them.


Small “s” on “she”

Now, I do feel that as the story goes on, it slowly grows on me. But I do think that the plot is still gliding on at a pretty even pace. When James kisses her or when Sophia finds out that he was watching her dance with the Lord, make it more dramatic. Right now, it is kind of like “Oh, really?”. Make it exciting! :D

Keep Writing!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
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I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary.
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