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Young Writers Society


Needles and Roses - Chap. 9



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Thu Sep 04, 2008 2:11 pm
KJ says...



Hope you like it - it's rough, keep in mind.
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Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:29 pm
Moriah Leila says...



I only have a short amount of time so I will just focus on one aspect of this chapter that I think needs improvement and then hopefully I will be able to return at a later time and do a more thourough critique. Forgive me for being abrupt.

You have Sudeep tell the history of the Voluntras (I hope I spelled that right). But I think there is a lot of unnesscary information in this story. For example you wrote:

“There was a wealthy merchant, called Horatius. He had a wife, two sons and one daughter. [s]He and his wife were happy.[/s] They were in the highest circles of society, and their daughter, Livia was her name, was engaged to a wealthy aristocrat. All was well. But their lives changed when one of Horatius’s shipments of grain came in. There was a sick young man on board, whom the crew had picked up on the way home. [s]He’d been stranded on an island.[/s]


Also you used wealthy twice in that paragraph.

“Horatius was a kind man, known for his integrity and mercy. He took the young man into his home, clothed and fed him. [s]The young man had a nurse take care of him until he was well.[/s] When he regained his strength, the young man didn’t remember anything. He couldn’t even remember his own name. So they called him Faustus. It means ‘lucky’ in Latin. Faustus [s]became completely well and[/s] helped Horatius with his business.


I was not sure at first why that lucky part was in there, but it does add a bit of irony to the story because it seems in the end Faustus was not so lucky. Something I just caught... *pats self on back*

“No one knew that Faustus and Livia had fallen in love. [s]They couldn’t tell anyone, because Livia was still engaged. The man to whom she’d pledged her life was rich, and was known for having a cruel reputation. He beat his slaves, and used women roughly. Livia was frightened of him.”[/s]


A lot of this is redundant since you already mentioned she was engaged to a wealthy aristocrat. I don't think it is really nessecary either to give her betrothed a bad reputation..in the end it doesn't matter. The story is more about Faustus, so don't go off trying to develop minimal characters.

“She and Faustus had already run. They’d secured a passage on a ship bound for a far away country. Livia and her younger brother were close. [s]He was crippled, and had a gentle nature.[/s] He’d told her of Quintus’s betrayal.
“[s]Horatius was stunned when a slave told him that his daughter was gone. She wasn’t anywhere to be found in the villa.[/s] Lionius told the old man that Faustus had kidnapped her. Enraged, Horatius went with Lionius to search the ships for Livia and Faustus.


Again you go off on little tangents that detract from the main story and there is some repetitiveness. (is that a word?)

“As Faustus got closer to her[s], arms outstretched,[/s] Lionius dived at him and stabbed him through the chest with his sword yet again. Faustus dropped to the deck… and so did Livia.


It shouldn't be stabbed him through the chest but through the back. That makes more sense as to why Livia was unknowingly injured as well.

“Faustus recovered almost instantly and cut his hand with the tip of his sword. In front of everyone, he took Livia’ small white hand and sliced it also. Horatius didn’t try to stop him. [s]He now trusted Faustus entirely.[/s] Lionius was so dazed at what he had done he didn’t move. Faustus put their hands together, and their blood mixed.


Feels a little redundant, since Sudeep performed this on Rachel...but uh, maybe that is just me. Also here I get a little confused as to who is who..maybe it is my baby brain, but Horatius, Lionius, Faustus..gah WHO is What is AHHHH. (Sorry totally off the deep end..anyways). Yeah, maybe Horatius doesnt even need to be mentioned in this part.

“But it was too late. Livia was dead, and the new blood didn’t revive her. Faustus cried, clasping her limp body to him. No one said anything. Faustus looked up at Lionius, and hate surged through him. He jumped up, picking up his sword. ‘You!’ he cried. ‘You did this! You will pay!’ [s]And the two men again fought.[/s] Lionius was slow and fumbled against the younger man’s blind rage. [s]Faustus moved the sword so quickly it was a blur.[/s] Lionius never stood a chance. Faustus killed him, and spit on Lionius’s body [s]when it lay in a pool of blood on the deck[/s].


Sorry, I ran out of time so unfortunetly I will have to continue later..but Hopefully what I have helps a little. Don't worry I will be back to finish later. Keep it up KJ
  





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Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:35 pm
Moriah Leila says...



I'm back and have more for you. Hope this helps. I'll continue where I left off with the story and then go from there. If it gets confusing or you have any questions feel free to pm me!

“He went to Livia’s body again, and hugged it to him. As he wept, an idea came to him. [s]He put Livia down, and bent over her.[/s] He’d thought of a way he could keep her with him forever. He put his mouth to hers and began to suck her soul out.
Horatius realized what he was doing when he saw the white cloud seeping into Faustus, and he tried to stop him. Faustus knocked him aside and continued his task. When he was finished he felt her inside him, and he was filled with joy.


How could Horatius really know what he was doing? I mean, I personally would have no clue what it would look like to have someone's soul sucked out of them. But if I did see what was happening I would be amazed and frightened and if I were the parent I would try to stop whatever they were doing.
Replace the part in bold with something like:

Horatius stood in shocked horror as he watched the white cloud seep into Faustus. He tried to stop him.


“His joy was short-lived. [s]She was sobbing. She was trapped.[/s] She wasn’t happy to be with him. She’d seen the gates of Heaven, and he’d snatched her away from them. [s]There would be consequences, since Faustus had taken her soul with his own spirit full of hate for Lionius. [/s]Faustus screamed in agony and hurt at her denial[s], and he became a shadow. [/s]Before the people’s eyes, Faustus’s face melted away and became a black hole. He left them all there with their mouths hanging open[s], and fled from all living souls[/s]. It was a ghastly sight; a handsome aristocrat and a beautiful young girl, both dead on the deck.


Here there should be a break in the story. Perhaps a reaction from Rachel. Sudeep shifting position to get comfortable. Perhaps the woman clears her throat. I want to see interaction between Rachel and Sudeep. Have him pause and have Rachel urge him to finish the story. "What happened then?" I asked enthralled with the morbid story. SOmething like that.

“The years went by. Everything returned to what it once was. Eventually Rome forgot about the strange story of the man who’d [s]been stabbed and then jumped up without a scratch, and how he’d [/s]sucked a girl’s soul out of her body. They shouldn’t have. Ten years [s]to the day [/s] after Horatius’s daughter was killed [s]and deprived of her soul[/s], (semi-colon here) deaths began [s]to make themselves known[/s] to occur in the night. The Romans didn’t know what to think. There was no evidence of murder or how the death had even occurred. The bodies were untouched. [s]There were no wounds. No poison in the blood. Nothing[/s]. The only thing the investigators had to go off of was one strange fact: the bodies were still slightly warm [s]after hours of death.[/s] hours after death.


I feel like the investigators and time of death seems too modern. Like, did they have coroners back in that time period? How would they be able to find poison in the blood? I don't think that was possible until just a century ago or so. Certainly not in old Rome. They determined cause of death more by what the corpse looked like on the outside then on the inside.

“Horatius knew in his gut that it was Faustus. He’d come back, to take his revenge on Rome for a crime that only he had committed. [s]Horatius didn’t know what he could do, so he prayed to the gods that Faustus would tire of Rome and leave. [/s]But Faustus didn’t stop his frenzied feeding. He’d learned that after having one soul it wasn’t enough. While before he’d feasted on chickens and mere trifles, consuming a soul was a banquet that made him strong. Every night he would descend on a helpless being and collect their soul to keep company with the others. His strength continued to grow.
“Horatius went to confront him. Faustus wasn’t hard to find. [s]Horatius had been keeping track of him, and he noticed a pattern in Faustus’s feedings.[/s] Every night Faustus moved further west. Horatius simply waited in the street of what was his next guess for Faustus’s attack. One night he finally saw him.


“Horatius was greatly surprised at the sight of his old friend. Faustus was no longer a shadow. He looked just as he used to; youthful and handsome. [s]He called out to get the younger man’s attention. Faustus greeted him in a friendly manner, as if nothing was amiss. [/s]Horatius pleaded with him to stop murdering the people of Rome. Faustus only laughed. ‘You all deserve to die,’ he said. ‘Especially the women, who know nothing of true love and string along men like toys.’


“Horatius asked him what he meant. Faustus told the old man what had become of his daughter, and his own lover,[/s] Livia. Faustus had released her soul soon after the fateful day on the ship[s], but she couldn’t find her way to Heaven[/s]. ‘She’s become a dark creature,’ Faustus said. ‘She mocks me and calls me ‘the Father of Necaz,’ his face curled with bitterness as he said it. ‘She has made more of us, did you know that? [s]You should thank me. [/s]While I only consume the souls, she sets them free to be shadows like us.’ Horatius asked him how he was a shadow but appeared to be a human.
“‘The more souls I devour,’ the creature answered, ‘the more able I am to keep a hold on my soul. To your poor eyesight, I do appear as a human. To one of us, it is obvious what I am.’


“Horatius tried again to ask the thing to leave Rome. [s]Faustus again refused. Horatius wept. He wept for his daughter, he wept for Faustus, and he wept for all of Rome. ‘Why?’ he cried to the gods. ‘Why would you do this to me, to my family, after my faithful servitude towards you?’ He begged the gods to strike him dead. He didn’t want to see Rome fall and perish. He begged Faustus one last time to take the first ship out and leave Rome, for the sake of what they had once been.[/s] Faustus had no more good in him, however, and he couldn’t concede to the old man’s appeal.
“In one act of mercy, the only one Faustus could manage from the remains of his old self, he killed Horatius. ‘I’ve put you out of your misery,’ he said. ‘Go now, and live in a peace I will never find [s]until the end of time, if even then[/s].’


It was a young vampire. His name was Tacitus—”
“How do you know that this new vampire was Roman? Perhaps your people descend from Italy.” I interrupt. Sudeep shakes his head, irritated at my disruption.


Sudeep never says this new vampire is Roman. He speculates they might've descended from Rome, but never that Tacitus is Roman.

I am excited for more. Eager to meet Decimus and to find out why Sudeep dislikes him so much. Now I am going to jump back to the first part of the chapter and hopefully this doesn't confuse you too much.

Even as I yearned for Mr. Garret’s blood, then Wendy’s, I was repulsed at myself. [s]If I know nothing else, this is what I do know.[/s]


I purse my lips. “Fine. Ugh, this is so excruciating.”


Excruciating is something I associate with pain. Also the use of so makes the dialouge seem a bit too modern. I'd like to hear her say something like "Ugh this is poppycock." Or "Ugh, bloody hell." Both British and dated.

I realize with relief that he is not mad at me; he’s angry at himself for slipping the name. He doesn’t want me to know about Decimus, whoever he is. [s]If it is a he. It sounds like a he. For once I am smart enough not to ask.[/s]


They are all perched on laundry lines or jutting parts of the buildings above us.


Change this to window sills on the building. It flows better and gives a better sense of setting.

Hope this helps. PM me when you have chapter ten up.
  





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Mon Sep 15, 2008 10:47 pm
In_the_Moonlight says...



Hey KJ

This chapter was different from your others. It was really slow and I didn't mind it at first, but towards the end it felt like you were giving the reader a lecture about the Vampires and everything. Then again a part of me thinks you did well at adding in important information, I guess I could go either way. But over everything I think this chapter made everything else make sense, without it you'd of eventually needed a slow chapter to explain everything so......it's okay and that will probably be the first and last time I will ever use that word when describing your work.


moony
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