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Young Writers Society


The lost soldier 3



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Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:53 am
Willow says...



Thanks again for the crit :) I've started editing the other two pieces but I haven't posted them yet. For now I hope you enjoy this

:arrow:


A smile formed on her lips as she imagined the scene. She knew the woods better than her own backyard. All she had to do was get into them.

But this proved more difficult than she had thought. Her uncle suddenly seemed to be everywhere. When she went outside he’d be leaning against the house, smoking quietly. She couldn’t play near the woods or he’d reprimand her for wandering too far.

As anger and frustration built in Alyssa, she took to admiring the woods from afar, imagining John pacing inside it, waiting for her.

“What are you doing?”

Alyssa sighed and turned away from the window. She’d been looking out on the woods, trying to feel by some hidden power the presence of her lost soldier. “Nothing Nicky,” she said, “go back to reading.”

They were in the nursery, a room Alyssa had never particularly liked. It was too bright and overly frilly. The walls were a soft cream with painted hot-air balloons and scenes of a picnicking family. Dolls sat idly on an old Hadley chest, sprinkled delicately with dust.

But Nicky didn’t listen. The silly boy put his book down and stood up.

“But you’re always looking at the woods! And I heard Uncle Lyle telling father that you went walking there the other day.”

“I just went walking,” Alyssa replied, repressing a sigh, “not specifically there.”

“Father said we aren’t allowed in the woods.”

“Then I guess you’ll never go there, will you?”

Alyssa was sick of Nicky’s unctuous manner. He was barely eight, but he felt it his duty to uphold all rules and rat on her whenever possible. She was sure he would absolutely die if her father ever got mad at him.

“Are you going to go again?” he asked after the sting of embarrassment had left his cheeks.

“No.”

“Are you lying?”

“Perhaps.”

“I’m telling father!”

“Tell him you’re an irritating little snob while you’re at it,” she said, directing her stare back toward the forest.

Nicky’s feet pounded on wood as he ran from the room, probably close to tears. She knew what her father would tell her. She was twelve and she should show more respect for others. She was almost a lady and snubbing her little brother was not at all lady-like.

Alyssa sighed and pressed her face against the window. The worst was when her father started talking about how much she looked like her mother. Blue eyes. Short, straight blonde hair. Her mother’s face. She just lacked the poise, grace and style.

Alyssa sat up suddenly. Something below had caught her eye. Was that her uncle, furtively striding into the woods? Just before disappearing between the trees, Alyssa saw a gleam of silver flash from between his fingers.

Why would he take the dog tag into the forest?

She bit her lip. Curiosity and fear were fighting an epic battle within her head. Her uncle scared her. It was something about the way he walked, and how he spoke, and the oily smoothness of his moustache and hair.

But since finding the dog tag, Alyssa had done nothing but wonder about it. She knew her uncle knew something about it. She had seen the flicker of recognition when he glanced at it and – perhaps – a touch of fear.

All at once Alyssa pushed herself off the windowsill and bounded through the old house, it’s dark wood panelled walls passing in a blur. She passed her brother in a rush of her pencil dress but didn’t stop to answer his outraged, “Where are you going?”

She wouldn’t be long, she told herself as she burst through the back door. It was almost dark and dinner would be in less than an hour. She just wanted to see where her uncle was going. Perhaps he’d leave the dog tag somewhere and she could take it back.

The weakened light barely filtered through the trees. When Alyssa approached the sheltered gloom she faltered. The thought of her uncle sneaking through the trees, stealthily moving in the darkness,
scared her more than any witch ever could.

She was about to turn around when the wind lifted. It was cool and brisk, perfumed by the sweet flowers. It raised the flames of curiosity in her imagination and she smiled shakily. Every adventure had its risks.

Years of sneaking into the woods had taught her to be quiet. Her feet barely made a sound on the crunchy forest floor. She could hear her uncle up ahead and sometimes caught the slightest glimpse of his black coattails whipping around a shrub.

As they moved the light slowly faded. Streaks of orange and red danced across the sky and stained the forest with pleasant shades of gold. Alyssa became anxious again. Her uncle showed no sign of stopping and the sun was about to set. If she turned back now she might just escape the woods before darkness set in.

“He was aroun’ here somewhere.”

Alyssa froze. She could see her uncle a few yards ahead, but that hadn’t been his voice. It was gruff, far from the elegant containment of her uncle’s.

“Why didn’t you tell me the girl came into the woods?” that was her uncle. Acid. Poison. Anything
harmful could be found in his deep voice.

“She’s twelve! I dunno what you’re so worried abou’,” the other man said.

Alyssa slowly peered around the thick tree trunk. The other man was a fat farmer. She didn’t recognize him, but his clothes were patched and he had the ruddy face of a heavy drinker.

In one swift movement her uncle pushed the fat man against a tree, forearm pressed against his throat. Alyssa’s breath caught. She could barely hear what her uncle was saying, but the sudden show of strength made her wish she’d never left the mansion.

“What do think would have happened if she’d shown it to her father? Or that grotesque cook? Everybody this side of Kent knows who Smith is. The woods would be swarming with police and what the hell do you think they would find?”

The fat man struggled to swallow. His eyes were wide with unspoken fear and sweat suddenly clung to his upper lip.

“I – I didn’t think, sir,” he gasped.

Her uncle slowly let go of his throat and stepped back. He straightened his suit and ran a hand over his smooth hair. “Just find him and bury him.”

Alyssa gasped. The sound escaped her mouth before she could stop herself. Her uncle’s head whipped
around. Their eyes connected.

“GET HER!” he yelled as his niece turned and ran.

Alyssa tore through the trees, jumping over stumps and shrubs and anything in her way. She ran wildly, heart throbbing, mind racing. They were going to kill John. They were going to kill him and bury him.

“Stop you little midget!” the fat man gasped. He was still far behind but his legs carried his bulk at a surprising speed.

Alyssa barely turned her head to see where he was when she tripped. Her body skid along the ground, gravel tearing skin from her elbows and knees. Dust rose in a cloud around her head and she coughed and sobbed, struggling to breathe.

Get up! She told herself, but her limbs wouldn’t move. Her fingers scrambled in the dirt, between the stems of flowers, looking for a weapon, anything. The fat man was almost upon her. She could hear his rattling breaths, his heavy footfalls, his swears.

Alyssa’s fingers found something hard. It was rough but didn’t feel like bark. She tried to clutch it but it was big and round.

When the dust cleared she screamed.

Something seized the back of her dress and pulled her up roughly. She was thrown back again and her uncle stepped over her. He swiped at a stretch of flowers, beheading them. From underneath peaked
yellowed bones, half a scull, ruined clothing…

“Alyssa,” her uncle breathed, bending down to his niece’s level. “Say hello to John.”
My life is a broken stair
Winding down a ruined tower
and leading no where
  





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Fri Jul 11, 2008 12:52 pm
Sugarbowl says...



I wasn't expecting that one :o It's nice to see your plot developing further, and the half-heard conversation in the woods gives us that frustrating, small amount of detail that leaves us wanting to read the next chapter.

After my comment on chapter 2, I'm glad to see some more of that subtle exploration into Alyssa's character.

The worst was when her father started talking about how much she looked like her mother. Blue eyes. Short, straight blonde hair. Her mother’s face. She just lacked the poise, grace and style.


I read a great deal from this, along with some other parts of the chapter. Alyssa is twelve, she's just growing out of childhood, she wants to be a woman. She wants that poise, grace and style of her mother, she wants to grow up and be accepted as a woman. Her hate of frills, dolls and pink in the nursery told me she's a bit sick of being a child.

She knew what her father would tell her. She was twelve and she should show more respect for others. She was almost a lady and snubbing her little brother was not at all lady-like.


Yet she knows she's not quite there yet. For me, it's nice to see these conflicting sides of Alyssa. It's interesting to see her caught between a girl and a woman.

So, overall, I think this chapter's acheived a lot. Probably the best of the three so far. Keep up the good work :D

Josh
  





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Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:52 pm
jenni321 says...



I agree with Sugarbowl, you definitly put a lot into this chapter, although perhaps you could have revealed these details in an ealier chapter? I wasn't looking for mechanical errors in this chapter, mainly because I'd be a hypocrite if I pointed out any possible spelling or grammar errors. :D You definitly hooked us here, the ending reeled us in, can't wait to find out what happens! Just remember (this is my only real mechanical critique) when shouting, don't use all caps. It's an eye sore, I cringe whenever I see all caps in books. Other than those, aweomse job, my favorite chapter so far.

Jenni
On a scale of 1 to Random, I'm pretty ADHD.
  





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Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:31 pm
Sam says...



Hey, Willow!

I'm going to have to agree--this chapter was really cool. It's hard to build suspense so early on in the story, but the way that you staged the scene in the forest (and the way the plot ran) was great. Sure, editing is great, but I want the next chapter now! ^_~

ABRA KADABRA

In this chapter, you had a few Rabbit Hat characters--that is, people that just pop up out of nowhere. I was originally under the impression that it was just Alyssa, the Cook, and her uncle, but apparently she has a little brother and a father, too? Introducing new characters is not a bad thing, but especially in a story where atmosphere is everything, it's something that has to be planned carefully. Why? When there were less people in the house, it felt to me a lot creepier and more lonesome. However, now that I know she has a pest for a brother and a father stuck in the past, it makes sense to me why she'd be pushed towards the woods.

It's an easy thing to fix--just mention it with your description of the house. It can be just a passing reference ("Alyssa lived with her uncle, her father, and her brother"), or those characters can be in the background when other scenes take place. Either way, we need a heads-up before the story gets too involved, or we're banking on a world that isn't quite what it seems.

DERAILMENT ON THE TRAIN OF THOUGHT

With your basic, typical story, your timeline is running from A to B, except for the occasional dip where a character has a flashback. Even then, it starts in a definite place and works its way forward. Granted, if you're having fun with the avant garde, you can mess with this arrangement a lot, but for your purposes, it's probably best if you stick with a set track.

I have this same problem, and I've seen it a lot on YWS--a lot of the time, it seems like the author got involved in their story, and then got up to get a snack and forgot what they were saying. You have a good progression of thoughts throughout the first part, but then you jog back to square one without warning here:

Alyssa sat up suddenly. Something below had caught her eye. Was that her uncle, furtively striding into the woods? Just before disappearing between the trees, Alyssa saw a gleam of silver flash from between his fingers.

Why would he take the dog tag into the forest?


It's a necessary chunk of sentences, but they feel in the wrong place to me. It would feel more "natural" if her interest is piqued by the sighting of the uncle, and then Nicky asks what's wrong. He seems like a pesty, persistent kid, and the only way to get him to shut up would simply be to leave. Then you have the perfect transition into your next part, which presently is overshadowed by the mystery of the uncle and the dog tag. It's an important scene, but we're still too caught up in the questions to notice it.

__

Thanks for the read, Willow! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. ^_^
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:46 am
simmy90 says...



This was a really good chapter! You developed not only Allysa's character quite well, but the story in and of itself. I fully did not expect an already-dead John Smith and the little brother reminds me of my own little sisters; they just love ratting me out! But Allysa's uncle is just a harsh man and I hope he goes sometime in the story or perhaps, gets slapped around a bit, lol. Now THAT would be enjoyable. :D
The Sim
  








True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.
— Brené Brown