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The lost soldier 2



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Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:29 am
Willow says...



Thanks for the previous crit guys :) This part won't make much sense if you didn't read the first part, but I hope this gives the story a bit more flesh. There is more to come so if you don't understand something pm me or wait to read everything :)

:arrow:

Over the next few days Alyssa was careful to avoid her uncle. She considered trying to steal back the tag, but the thought of sneaking into her uncle’s room was enough to give her nightmares.

Instead she spent hours wondering who the mysterious John was. A picture formed in her mind of a handsome young soldier. Dark hair, dark eyes – but not like her uncle’s. His would be warm and kind. He’d be tall.

“Aren’t ye hungry lass?”

Cook’s harsh voice cut across Alyssa’s thoughts. The world suddenly filled in around her. The smell of raisins and cinnamon wafted into her face and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck raise slightly in a cool breeze.

She looked up from the untouched sandwich to see Cook scrutinizing her intently.

She shrugged lightly. “Not really.”

Cook sighed and went on pounding (for such a gentle word as kneading could never apply to her) the dough. Her knuckles crunched and cracked poppy seeds, driving them deeper into the folds of white. When she lifted her hands for another round they glistened with oil and vanilla essence.

“Cook?”

Cook grunted, a sure sign that she was listening. Alyssa wavered. Revealing just a tiny bit of her precious adventure was a risk she wasn’t sure she wanted to take. It could put the whole thing in danger. Cook may look bland but she was sharper than a whip crack.

When Alyssa didn’t say anything she looked up with an annoyed expression.

“Get on with it.”

“Do you know a Jonathan Smith?”

There, it was done with. Cook would give her a lashing and she would never see the dog tag again.
Or meet the mysterious John.

But when she took a furtive glance at Cook’s face, she was met with raised eyebrows instead of the usual scowl.

“The kids talkin’ bout him already?” she said, going back to pounding. “Suppose that makes sense. ‘E was a soldier, sent here to deliver a message to your father, but he never arrived.”

New images filled Alyssa’s head. John half turning toward the forest in bright moonlight, eyes alight with determination and bravery. His worn fingers curled around the message that he had carried for long months, over water and land, in trouble and joy…

“What happened to him?” she asked, and Cook frowned at the anxious note in her voice.

“Got lost in the woods, didn’t he?” she answered, eyes on her dough. “Those woods are big an’ there are dangerous things about, why –”

“What are you talking about?”

Alyssa felt a chill run down her back. She looked up at the mirror hanging above Cook’s head, not wanting to turn around just yet. Her uncle stood framed in the doorway.

Cook barely hid her scowl and answered. “’Bout them woods out back sir. Just telling Miss Alyssa how dangerous they are.”

“Yes quite right,” he said slowly. Alyssa could feel him staring at the back of her head. Finally she turned, unable to stand the tension.

“Would you be liking something then, sir?” Cook asked in what she probably thought was a cheerful voice. “A spot of beef perhaps.”

“No thank you,” Uncle Lyle looked at Cook for a moment. “I daresay my–” he paused and his eyes travelled down to Alyssa “– appetite, is beyond your ability to satisfy. Good day.”

Cook shuddered openly as Lyle left. “Horrible man that,” she said, slapping the dough against the counter top. “Dunno how someone like ye father ends up with a brother like him.”

Alyssa didn’t say anything but nodded quietly. So John was indeed a soldier. He was walking around the woods at that very moment, looking for his dog tag and a way out. If she could find him, she could save him and tell him where it is.

A smile formed on her lips as she imagined the scene. She knew the woods better than her own backyard. All she had to do was get into them.
My life is a broken stair
Winding down a ruined tower
and leading no where
  





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Sun Jul 06, 2008 7:50 am
Sam says...



Hey again, Willow!

I must admit, I got so caught up in this segment that I forgot to write stuff down for the critique. XD Oh, well--that's definitely a compliment. Your dialogue reads really smoothly, which is something that a lot of people struggle with. You just kind of blew them out of the water. :wink:

Just a few ideas:

- I don't want to you to bog down your dialogue, but one thing that this scene needs is more setting and sensory description. It's pretty good by itself as a script, but to fully envision this as a real-world scenario with real-world people, you need to set the stage. Take a paragraph or two to describe the kitchen, and then sprinkle in small actions and sounds and smells and all those other good s' words to finish painting a mental picture of Alyssa and the Cook.

- We know that the Cook is grumpy, but other than that, she's not really developed. Neither is Alyssa. They both speak, and speak well, but we have nothing to go on besides the words that come out of their mouths. Since they have such big roles so early in the story, I'd definitely take the time to look through some character development exercises and figure out who these people are. They don't need to be outrageous; they just need to be natural enough to be distinct.

Thanks for the read, Willow! Thanks for PMing me, as well. ^_^ You know where to find me if you have any questions.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:24 pm
FaithWorks says...



Hello,
I enjoyed both parts of your story, "The Lost Soldier". But I do agree with Sam, they need more description. Don't tell, show. Describe Alyssa's surroundings, the smells, textures, and colors. Tell us more about Alyssa, after all she's the main character, and without a well developed MC any story is incomplete.
Other then that well done. I know myself that characters are hard to create, I struggle with it too.

I will be waiting to read more:)

Blessings,
Faith
“It’s beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart.”

”Where hope grows, miracles blossom.”

“We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.”
  





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Fri Jul 11, 2008 12:36 pm
Sugarbowl says...



Again, I was quite impressed. It's nice to see a bit more of a plot developing in this chapter, as well as some slight development of characters.

I have to disagree with Sam on one point though. I think you've done something quite difficult but very effective with your introduction of Cook. With very little description at all, I think you've managed to develop her personality and her appearance surprisingly well. The way she speaks, the way she cooks, the way she hides the real juicy details of her conversation with Alyssa from Uncle Lyle. These all paint a picture of a brash, rough-around-the-edges, burly woman with warm and maternal instincts when it comes to Alyssa. For me, the way you've given me that image in a subtle way is much more effective than a paragraph telling us what she looks like.

As for Alyssa, there's not quite the same level of depth to her character as of yet. It's more difficult to describe your main character than it is to describe any of your other characters, but your story might benefit from some exploration of her thoughts, possibly some mention of her past. You might have plans for this sort of thing in a future chapter, so I'm not too worried about it this early on in the story.

Keep it up :D I'll just be off to read chapter 3 :D

Josh
  





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Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:57 am
weekend_warrior says...



Keep going!
James
Soldier, Student
  





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Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:35 am
simmy90 says...



Willow wrote:“The kids talkin’ bout him already?” she said, going back to pounding. “Suppose that makes sense. ‘E was a soldier, sent here to deliver a message to your father, but he never arrived.”

New images filled Alyssa’s head. John half turning toward the forest in bright moonlight, eyes alight with determination and bravery. His worn fingers curled around the message that he had carried for long months, over water and land, in trouble and joy…


Still in the woods, though? He most surely would've died, unless it was only recently he entered them? Nice story, overall, however. I will be reading the rest in just a bit. :)
  








“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu