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~Michelangelo's Night and Day~Chapter Seven



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Sun Jun 15, 2008 2:59 pm
ashleylee says...



Sorry it took me so long to put this on here! :?

Well, Hope you all enjoy it! :D

____________________________________________________________________________________

CHAPTER SEVEN

The crowd’s anxiety mounts with each gladiator battle. One after one, a gladiator is cut down in cold blood and the Roman’s voices rise together in frenzy. I feel sick as another dead man is dragged away as the victor runs about, yelling like a wild animal. The Roman’s start to chant, as the victor is lead away and I realize they all shout one name. “Marino. Marino. Marino. Marino. Marino. Marino!” They sing like a boisterous choir.
Then, their prayers are answered as Marino, the blonde gladiator is shoved into the sand bowl. His hair is tied into a pony at the base of his neck. Another gladiator joins him.
His opponent is enormous with arms as thick as tree trunks and a head of wild black hair. The man shakes his head and bellows like a beast. The crowd screams and I listen carefully, realizing that they are shouting his name too. “Arsenio. Arsenio. Arsenio!” I can hear the pounding of thousands of feet as the fight begins.
It seems as Marino and Arsenio are testing each other, knocking swords and then stepping quickly away. As I watch, I fear that Arsenio will win. Twice Marino’s size, he gives heavy blows to Marino’s sides with the butt end of his sword. But Marino doesn’t budge.
Finally, it seems that Arsenio’s patience has run thin, and he charges like a bull before a scarlet cloak. Marino dodges easily on light feet while twisting around, his sword glinting in the sunlight. I know Arsenio’s fate before Marino reacts, and I pull my eyes away but not before seeing Marino plunge his sword deep into the man’s back, between his spine and tailbone. The crowd roars like monsters and girls throw themselves against the wall. Marino pulls his sword free and Arsenio falls to his knees. Suddenly, the crowd is shouting again and I am terrified to find them shouting one thing. “Death! Death! Death!”
I know Marino’s fate as he gazes up at the emperor, who leans forward with rapt attention. I see the battle waging inside him and know that he faces death if he should defy the masses of Roman’s shouting for the Arsenio’s death.
I watch as Arsenio lifts his head back and bares his throat for Marino, who heaves a sigh. With one swift stroke, he cuts open Arsenio’s throat and spills his blood onto the sand at his feet. It stains it a crimson red and Marino stumbles back as Arsenio tips face first into his own puddle of blood.
The crowds are shouting Marino’s name again with more urgency. Girls weep as he makes his run around the perimeter of the arena. When he disappears, the Colosseum is buzzing with gossip and excitement. I fear I might hurl and place my head in my hands between my knees, not caring if someone sees. I feel my father pat my back and it soothes me, even for a little while.
When I look up, I see that there are men running about shifting the sand to cover the blood, and my stomach revolts. I quickly dip my chin between my knees, feeling ill.

~ ~ ~ ~

We return home hours later, and Delicia fusses over my pale complexion and the beads of sweat creating a tiara around my head. Father excuses it as a case of heat stroke, and I am sent to my room to rest. But after watching the murder and the bloodthirsty Roman’s shouting still ringing in my ears, sleep is deprived from me.
Instead, I take to the balcony and lay my forehead against the cool of the marble railing. It sends trickles of ice across my spine and I shiver, standing erect again. My head pounds and I stumble, feeling faint. Breathing heavily, I hurry to my bed and collapse in the canopy, covering my head with a pillow.
With my eyelids closed, I see images of Marino and Arsenio and they send my heart aching. How can Roman’s love such bloodshed? How can Roman’s shout for murder?

~ ~ ~ ~

I sleep, but restlessly. I dream of Marino and Arsenio. I see them fighting in the arena and then, suddenly, I am the one fighting Marino. I feel the blade of a sword enter my back and look down with surprise as I see the tip of a blade protruding from my abdomen. It is ripped from me and I collapse to my knees, holding my stomach as blood bubbles from the mortal wound. I look up with pleading eyes to Marino as the crowd screams for my death. With a cold stare, Marino lifts his bloodstained sword and slices my throat. I see Marino, his eyes swimming with tears of regret as my world engulfs into blackness.
I wake with a start and whimper softly, tears coming swiftly. I cry for Arsenio, who will never again see the light of day. I cry for Marino, who will go through his whole life with this man’s death on his hands. I cry for myself, who had to witness such gory entertainment. And my heart cries for the sanctuary of home.

~ ~ ~ ~

It’s been two weeks since the games at the arena. I am slipping into a state of melancholy. Everything seems dull and lifeless. Even the garden has lost its appeal. I sulk in my bedroom for most of the day, picking at the plaster on the walls or just sleeping in fits of complete boredom. I see less and less of Evander and my father as their work pile mounts with each passing day. Nicandro seems to be avoiding the home. His feet no longer bless the floors or his shadows brighten the entertainment room. The slaves’ gossip reaches my ears and they whisper of the courtship between Nicandro and the lovely Celia. I hear that he is a frequent guest at their home, and this makes my mood dip even lower.

I haunt the Terrence one cloudy afternoon and sigh heavily into my hands. My body shivers in the chill of the cool day and feet tingle for the warmth of my slippers. Just then, a soft hand molds itself over my head and I sit up with dreary eyes. “Oh, child.” It is Delicia and her perfect face looms close. “Why so sad?” she coos softly, smoothing the tendrils of hair from my face. I shrug, any effort to talk evaporating into the cold air around us at her gentle gaze. I want no sympathy. I need no guidance. My only wish is to be alone. “Isadora?” Delicia presses softly, her voice like sunlight on such a cloudy day.
“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully, my voice cracking from being quiet for so long.
“Please, there is no need for formality here,” Delicia reprimands kindly with an angelic smile. My mouth twitches but a smile never surfaces. “It seems there is something bothering you, but you don’t need to share it with me. I think I know.” She winks, and I tilt my head in wonder. She knows? Does she know of Marino haunting my dreams and of Arsenio’s war cry? Does she know Caradoc visits me while I slumber with his face clouded in anguish at whatever horror his previous courter shamed him with? My heart leaps when I think of Nicandro. Does she dare know of Nicandro’s pleasing face kissing Celia’s lovely one? Does she guess my desire for him? I shudder at the embarrassment of it and I wait with anxiety.
“You wish to escape these walls. You need the country, my dear.” I breathe a sigh of relief as she continues. “Your face is deathly pale. Even with your ivory skin, you still need sun. You look so deprived.”
“I’m not sure where I will get this country sunshine you so wisely prescribe,” I tell her quietly.
“Oh, don’t fret. I have the perfect solution. Come with me!” Delicia’s eyes shine with the prospect. My own darken ever so slightly in fear.
“With you where?” I ask tentatively.
“To the country, of course!” Delicia says with delight. “We have a little cottage off in the country. I’ve been planing to take a trip there myself in due time but it is dreadfully lonely going alone. And with Evander always working and Nicandro visiting with Octavio, I have no one to go with.” Delicia pouts and my heart splits at the mention of Nicandro. [/i] So the servants tell the truth...[/i] “So, why don’t we go together?”
I pause before answering. A big part of me wants to tell her to go alone and leave me be. To just let me sulk in peace. But a small, yet strong voice urges me to accept.
What harm could come of it? The voice caresses my ear. “Yes, what harm?” I repeat softly and Delicia look at me.
“Is that a yes, then?”
I nod and for the first time, a smile breaks through the cloud of my face and shines forth with brilliance. “Yes. I would love to accompany you.”

~ ~ ~ ~

The day we depart from the Chandrenos’ home is a cheerful day indeed. Delicia is in high spirits, her mood contagious as a few horses are prepared for our journey. I smile when the animals are brought forth. One is an immense creature, with a chestnut coat and braided mane. The other is slightly smaller with a white body and dark mane and tail. I approach the smaller of the two, the mare, and stroke her nose with gentle fingers. She snorts and I laugh. Delicia grins and thanks the man by paying him.
The servants load our animals with what we will need for the journey: blankets, jugs of fresh water, cloaks for the chilly night, and food. Slaves help us mount. Delicia sits astride the large stallion with an experienced air while I clumsily hold the reins in perspiring palms. The trip will take a day and two nights to reach and I recheck the load before we make our exit.
We take the back roads through Rome, dressed in simple attire as not to attract thieves. I had meant to ask Delicia why the guards that usually surround her are not accompanying us. I had never heard of a woman leaving the home alone, especially one as wealthy as Delicia. But, sitting astride the horse, there is not a single flicker of fear in her bright eyes. She is no longer the delicate angel. She looks strong and wise and all fear leaves me at her confident grace.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:35 pm
Esmé says...



Ashley - Here’s my critique for Ch 7. I confess, I read it some time ago, but was very, very lazy lately, and so you get it now, not that time ago ^_^


Quote:
One after one, a gladiator is cut down in cold blood and the Roman’s voices rise together in frenzy.

“One after one, gladiators are”, “the Romans’’”. Expand that thought a bit?


Quote:
I feel sick as another dead man is dragged away as the victor runs about, yelling like a wild animal.

As, as - me no like that. Consider rephrasing? (as - nu!)


Quote:
The Roman’s start to chant, as the victor is lead away and I realize they all shout one name. “

I don’t like, again, that usage of “as”. “When”? In both cases the sentence would sound slightly awkward,, though, and would need a slight rephrasing. Also, “Roman’s” - Romans, without the apostrophe.


Quote:
“Marino. Marino. Marino. Marino. Marino. Marino!

Perhaps first two periods commas? So that the rest of the full stops have a greater impact? Variety, too, I suppose.


Quote:
Then, their prayers are answered as Marino, the blonde gladiator is shoved into the sand bowl.

Consider rephrasing? I just don’t like that sentence… Slightly (very so), it has an awkward ring to it (as mine now, heh, but less), even if a comma after “gladiator” is added.\\


Quote:
I can hear the pounding of thousands of feet as the fight begins.

“As” - good. But notice how many of the “as” you have above, some of which are really unneeded and a tad bit irritating.


Quote:
His opponent is enormous with arms as thick as tree trunks and a head of wild black hair. The man shakes his head and bellows like a beast. The crowd screams and I listen carefully, realizing that they are shouting his name too.

Three sentences with three respective sentence structures. And that’s not good. (____ and _____, all of them).


Quote:
As I watch, I fear that Arsenio will win.

One consequence of so many “as” is that they begin to irritate the reader. Really. And expand that thought? Why is she fearing this way, not the other way around, etc.


Quote:
Twice Marino’s size, he gives heavy blows to Marino’s sides with the butt end of his sword.

“his opponents”? Just to avoid repeating.


Quote:
Finally, it seems that Arsenio’s patience has run thin, and he charges like a bull before a scarlet cloak.

Ancient Rome? If no, and I’m getting paranoid, don’t kill me ^_^


Quote:
I know Arsenio’s fate before Marino reacts, and I pull my eyes away but not before seeing Marino plunge his sword deep into the man’s back, between his spine and tailbone.

Complicated sentence, in which both readers and writers get lost. Shorten, crop, or rephrase slightly?


Quote:
The crowd roars like monsters and girls throw themselves against the wall.

Comma before “girls”.


Quote:
I see the battle waging inside him and know that he faces death if he should defy the masses of Roman’s shouting for the Arsenio’s death.

“if he should” - “should he”?, “Roman’s” - “Romans”.


Quote:
With one swift stroke, he cuts open Arsenio’s throat and spills his blood onto the sand at his feet.

Blood in general? To scrap unnecessary pronouns?


Quote:
The crowds are shouting Marino’s name again with more urgency.

“again” and “with more urgency” nullify each other a bit.


Quote:
But after watching the murder and the bloodthirsty Roman’s shouting still ringing in my ears, sleep is deprived from me.

Romans‘.


Quote:
I see Marino, his eyes swimming with tears of regret as my world engulfs into blackness.

I don’t like “as”.


Quote:
I see less and less of Evander and my father as their work pile mounts with each passing day.

I’m not particularly fond of “work pile”.


Quote:
The slaves’ gossip reaches my ears and they whisper of the courtship between Nicandro and the lovely Celia.

Comma?


Quote:
I haunt the Terrence one cloudy afternoon and sigh heavily into my hands.

I don’t like the “one cloudy afternoon”, and am not satisfied with the transition from the general “then” to “now”.


Quote:
It is Delicia and her perfect face looms close.

Times.


Quote:
I shrug, any effort to talk evaporating into the cold air around us at her gentle gaze.

“cold air around us” is long, and gets us sidetracked. “cold air?


Quote:
Delicia presses softly, her voice like sunlight on such a cloudy day.

She’s already cooing softly.


Quote:
My mouth twitches but a smile never surfaces.

Comma, I think.


Quote:
Does she know Caradoc visits me while I slumber with his face clouded in anguish at whatever horror his previous courter shamed him with?

Cut “with”? And comma, then.


Quote:
Does she dare know of Nicandro’s pleasing face kissing Celia’s lovely one?

I don’t like the “pleasing face” - it seems a bit out of place, slows down everything. Consider putting something similar, yet different? (yes, Esme is playing the Oracle).


Quote:
I shudder at the embarrassment of it and I wait with anxiety.

Scrap second pronoun. “… for her next words?” - or something of the sort.


Quote:
I breathe a sigh of relief as she continues.

Comma. Elaborate?


Quote:
You look so deprived

Don’t like this, for no particular reason. “so deprived…” Hmm.


Quote:
“With you where?”

Where, with you? (nagging punctuation, I suppose).


Quote:
I’ve been planing to take a trip there myself in due time but it is dreadfully lonely going alone.

Planing - planning. Comma before “but”.


Quote:
[/i] So the servants tell the truth...[/i]

Overly eager here, heh.


Quote:
I repeat softly and Delicia look at me.

Comma. “Look” - “looks” - but how? Add that.


Quote:
I nod and for the first time, a smile breaks through the cloud of my face and shines forth with brilliance.

Awkward.


Quote:
The day we depart from the Chandrenos’ home is a cheerful day indeed.

Second “day” - “one”?


Quote:
The other is slightly smaller with a white body and dark mane and tail.

Consider describing this animal differently, without “with”?


Quote:
Delicia grins and thanks the man by paying him.

Grins? Aws. That doesn’t seem to match with her… smiles? Or something like that? “Grins” is so… (yes, let that trail away/off).


Quote:
Delicia sits astride the large stallion with an experienced air while I clumsily hold the reins in perspiring palms.

Awkward, consider rephrasing.


Quote:
The trip will take a day and two nights to reach and I recheck the load before we make our exit.

Er, and what good did her rechecking the load do? Did it not attract weird glances?


Quote:
I had never heard of a woman leaving the home alone, especially one as wealthy as Delicia.

“as her”?


Well, general nitpicks done. Onward to impressions.


CHARACTERS.


-> Emperor. Faces deaths should he defy the crowds? Hmm. I think not, not with the image that is built up for this particular ruler - also, “rapt attention”, “battle waging inside him“. It seems that Isadora can see him very well, to know that, but if so, I’d like to know her feeling on the matter (of the emperor). Right now he’s there, yes, as a side character, but a weak one. Keep him a side one, but a realistic one. (Same goes to Marino: “heaves a sigh”?)

Point is, she can see some details, but only some, and if she can see those “some”, she might as well see others. If Isa is capable of noticing him “heaving a sigh”, then I want her to notice other details, too.

-> Marino. “Cold eyes”, and then there is regret in them… I don’t know, but I get the feeling that he has a very dual personality (and no, today the translator in my head is not at its best). I’d stick to one. Either regret, or coldness, and show and emphasize more one of those.

-> Isadora was wonderful. That is all I have to say. I loved her reactions in this chapter, though at some points I’d like to see more of her thoughts (this is rambled over in other sections of the review).

-> Delicia. So we finally got to know Delicia Chandrenos - apart from that “grin” part, I cannot find any fault in her character. Later on, I hope, we’ll get to know her even better - this worked wonderfully as an introduction. (Compare her at some point later to Isa’s mother?)

-> Father. His role was, once again, minimal. The only thing he did was excuse her behavior (which is okay - both, though more relating to the latter), and “comfort her”. Perhaps add a sentence of two more of that?



CAREFUL, CAREFUL!


-> I’d like to see more details in the Colosseum. Shifting the sand is good, yes, and the likes, but I’d like that whole scene to be more in-depth. (Refer to “Characters”, and “Emperor”). It was fine, in general, but you aim for perfection, no?

-> Apostrophes, especially in “Romans”. Notice that was quoted a lot, with no real explanation, since I thought I might give one here. “Roman’s” would imply to one Roman - as in something of that Roman. “Romans” is simply the plural form, with no apostrophe. “Romans’” would be something of that plural form. Er. Yes. I’m not good at explaining… check out some articles on the matter if this paragraph didn’t do any good (other than wreck havoc).

-> Others. Where are the others? These are the games, and they were on a special invitation, no? I think they should definitely be mentioned, and should, perhaps, somehow react to her behavior. If they ignored it, then that should be stated also. Where they fascinated by the gladiator fights? etc.


NEUTRAL:


-> At some point I quoted your sentences (in the previous installments also) and said that there should be a comma before “and”. Some cases where clearer than others, yet from what I know, if two parts of a sentences are linked by “and”, “but”, or the like, and can stand on their own, then a comma is needed. Am I correct? (I didn’t always go by that rule, doubtful sentences I just ignored and generally went by my instinct, so no worries, I suppose).

-> Perhaps specify what Amycus and Evander are working on? Give a little vague details concerning that?

-> Surrounding’s reaction. That was already rambled over, but I just thought up a new one: Isa’s father to Isadora’s escapade with Delicia?


FANTASTIC:


-> Her feelings after the Colosseum. Very, very nice, and scores of points.

-> Same goes to that dream. Awesome.

-> Delicia’s character development.

-> The fact that I can’t wait for the next installment ^_^


Conclusions: Wonderfully written, attention grabbing and claiming, awesome (this goes to everything you’ve posted from the novel in general). Turning point, though? I was very keen on the idea of Amycus dying and Delicia turning into an alcoholic, but that probably won’t happen, heh (don’t ask me how I came up with that). Turning point, though (I get to repeat myself, you don’t!).


Cheers,
Esme
  





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Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:53 pm
ashleylee says...



Oh Esme

Gosh, I love you girl! :wink: Your reviews always make me laugh. You talking in third person really makes my day! lol

Yeah, I really tried with this chaper to make it more EMOTIONALLY with Isa because I know how I have struggled with that in the past. I will try to focus more on everyone eles reactions, the Emperors thoughts, and all that jazz.

Also, I got a question. Do you think I should give the Emperor a name?? I am still debating on the fact because once I give him a name, I feel that he becomes a more important character and I haven't decided if he will be a big one or a small one...so yeah. Tell me what you think! :D

Anywho, THANKS SO MUCH! You are helping me throughout this whole process and it just makes things a lot easier!

Hope that someday I am able to return the favor :wink:
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:06 pm
Esmé says...



Aw, but see, I can’t exactly answer that question, since I don’t really (no specifics) know where you are going with this (turning point reference). I only ever know what you let me know through these seven chapters. Plot-wise, it should be cleared soon, but now - I can’t really say.

The Emperor - yes, giving him a name would do exactly that. I do have Nicandro’s comment of him in mind, though, and that’s the original reason (apart from me generally wanting more details) of some kind of elaboration where that ruler is concerned. At this point, though - Isadora would have to know his name from someone, no? She could have, of course, known it sooner, though… (Yes, I love complicating things).

With name: he’d be closer to the reader, I think, but automatically, I’d like more thoughts on him that I want even now. That would mean expanding his character, giving his background, etc., and perhaps some kind of role in the story (though I may be going overboard with the last).

With none: he’d just, well, be there. Like now. With added thoughts on him, and a handful of details (more and added).

Er, just tell me to where this is floating, since the dying-and-drunk option is no longer available. A question for a question ^_^, but circumstances are better for you here.
  





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Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:50 pm
KJ says...



Hello, my friend.

Hee-hee, I've already read and corrected this. I think I corrected it, at least. I know I got lazy and failed to correct one of these chapters....

Anyway, you know I love it :) Keep writing. Don't you dare abandon this for Poisened Roses. I actually like this better than that one, sorry. I think this needs to be the first novel you finish, because I like it! Oh, and you also need to write what we discussed. You, know, Isa's BFF coming down, etc. I don't want to give it away for Esme ;P

So yeah, that's all. Oh, by the way, you should go check out my newest story. It's called By Sun by Moon or something like that.

Happy writing.

Me.
  





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Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:54 pm
ashleylee says...



Esme

Yes, all that you say is correct so I guess I have a lot to think about! lol Thanks so much!

*hint of sarcasm*

jk But yes, I will think about it and let you know when I come up with a name, ect.

KJ

Hey BFF! :D

How have you been? We haven't talked in SO long!

Anywho, yes, I will continue. But, you MUST read my Poisoned Roses pieces. I have written five chapters so far, so let me know what you think!

Of course I will check out your new story! I always do! :D

Well, talk to you later!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:04 pm
KJ says...



Okay, I will make it my SOLE RESPONSIBILITY to read your PR chapters. Happy?

This is going to take forever, so bear with me.
  





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Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:15 pm
ashleylee says...



Thanks Kels! :D

You're the best! :wink:
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  








I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
— Leonardo da Vinci