z

Young Writers Society


Memories



User avatar
54 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4271
Reviews: 54
Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:52 am
WelcomingException says...



The rapid water were like a giant sea monster swallowing hard. My body was under its control, the water pulling me in and out, under the water and above, I was sure this was the end. I was sure my body would wash up on a beach and I would be eaten and picked at by scavenging animals. Any time I came above the surface I would look around, all I would see was more water. This was the end.

@

A small limp body lay at the water’s edge. A fragile looking young women, most likely about 18-20, lay in the course black sand. Her dark brown hair was tangled and wrapped around her arms, her clothing looking ripped and old. Daniel swiftly slid down Camry, his appaloosa horse. Holding the small body in his arms, he ran his rough fingers over her wrists and felt for a pulse. She was still alive, but barley. Daniel put his index finger and thumb around her wrist, almost being able to curl his index finger around twice. He put his hand on her forehead, it was like an oven. This girl was sick, very sick.

Daniel held her close to his body, leaped up on Camry and trotted back to the castle. He looked down at the woman in his arms, she was beautiful. She had a beautifully defined chin, and large tender rosy lips. He felt them beckoning him in. Daniel knelt his head down, softly steeling a kiss from the young woman’s lips. They were as tender as they looked and tasted like salt, but Daniel didn’t mind the taste. He held the small women closer to him as he started to gallop. He wanted to save her, no matter what it took; he had to know who she was, and what happened to her.

@

I felt a cloud cushioning my body, the whole world felt warm and sweaty. I kept my eyes closed and turned over. If this was heaven, I could wait ten minutes to finally see it. I felt way too refreshed. I tucked the blanket under my chin, and relaxed. I heard a door creak open, footsteps followed, and a door close lightly. I did not open my eyes, not yet; I didn’t want to know my fate yet. Not yet…

“The girl is doing well, and should wake up soon” A small tweaked voice scratch out, it sounded like it was painful just for this man to talk. I cringed lightly.

“What have you found out about her Dr. Ramden?” This voice was nothing like the other, deep and demanding, this voice was controlled and forceful, like a captain or drill Sargent, it was a lot like…

“Do not you dare talk to me like that” A man stood in front of me. He was tall, and strong with his stance. A pain seared through my face as I fell to the floor, holding my cheek.

An image ran through my mind. I cannot even remember. Not anymore. Whatever it was my mind blanked. I must have lost parts of my memory. Whoever I thought of, he is the reason I am here. Heaven, hell, or earth. I am here because of him. I can feel it in my bones.

“Nothing sir, some men and I have asked around but nothing about missing women” A cold rough hand touched my arm. My eyes finally jolted open; I saw a huge pair of spectacles eying me down. I jolted back falling, falling to a soft carpeted floor. My breath became heavy and it felt musty making it hard to breath. I tried to grasp as much air possible but it never felt enough.

Arms wrapped around me, not the rough cracked ones though. These were soft and warm. My gaze caught dark grey eyes with a hint of green in them which confused me, yet intrigued me. Our eyes locked, I was in a trance I’m sure. I drew my hand up to his face, but pulled back quickly when he broke the gaze and glared at the doctor.

“Are we sure she is not balmy on the crumpet?” The doctor uttered, the man held me tighter, pressing me against chest. His shirt was thin and I could feel his soft muscles. They made me shudder.

“No” The man barked back at the doctor “She is probley running from something… Someone”

@

The first thing Daniel had noticed was her eyes. Big emerald green eyes. How could anything this beautiful be insane, she was probley just still dazed from everything. He set her back down on the small bed, and pulled the blanket up to her chest.

“Leave me with the girl” The small fat man nodded and left the room slamming the door behind him. Daniel starred at the young women; she starred back just as evenly. She seemed dazed still, but he had to ask her some questions.

“What’s your name dear?” Daniel whispered, he tried to make his voice as soft and caring as possible, something he was not used to. The women gave him a confused look, and stumbled out,

“I… I don’t remember” Daniel smiled seating himself next to her on the bed. The covers were crimson as well as most of the room. He always found this room to be very comfortable and cozy.

“Do you remember anything about your past?”

“I remember being slapped by a man… with a strong voice like your own…” She quirked her head, “But he never spoke softly, not to anyone…” Daniel frowned,

“You seem to remember more about this man then yourself”

“I did not want to remember myself”

“Why?”

“I do not know”

@

The beautiful man got up off the bed, looking at me sadly. He seemed excited when he had first started the questions, but now leaving with no answers or further knowledge on myself, looked sad and drained of energy.

The man in my vision before look sad, like the beautiful man. He held my hands tightly. The man had light blond hair, and light skin with freckles on his nose.
“Violet…”


“Wait!” I screamed out to the beautiful man as he opened the creaking door. He looked back woefully “My name is Violet” The man grinned and came back over to the bed sitting on the edge.

“I am Daniel Decker, Duke of Dunmore” Then he got up and walked out, smiling.
What a Welcoming Exception *
  





User avatar
1503 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 156589
Reviews: 1503
Wed Aug 10, 2011 11:17 am
IcyFlame says...



Nitpicks
WelcomingException wrote:This was the end.
WelcomingException wrote:The rapid water was like a giant sea monster swallowing hard.
Nice similie though.
WelcomingException wrote:My body was under its control, the water pulling me in and out, under the water and above semi colon I was sure this was the end.

Be careful not to contradict yourself. The first time you mention it, it's the MC's thought, the second time it's a fact. Which is it?
WelcomingException wrote:“What have you found out about her Dr. Ramden?” This voice was nothing like the other, deep and demanding, this voice was controlled and forceful, like a captain or drill Sargent, it was a lot like…

Don't you dare talk to me like thatperiod” A man stood in front of me. He was tall, and strong with his stance. A pain seared through my face as I fell to the floor, holding my cheek.

I don't understand the point in this part either...

I think you need to give this a good read through again, out loud if possible. That often helps me to hear and then be able to rectifty my mistakes.
  





User avatar
1417 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
Wed Aug 10, 2011 11:47 am
Noelle says...



Hi there!

First off I want to let you know that I enjoyed reading this. It kept me guessing the whole time. My suggestions are in red in the spoiler.

Spoiler! :
WelcomingException wrote:
The rapid water were was (watch your tenses) like a giant sea monster swallowing hard. My body was under its control, the water pulling me in and out, under the water and above, I was sure this was the end. I was sure my body would wash up on a beach and I would be eaten and picked at by scavenging animals. Any time (there's no space in anytime) I came above the surface I would look around, all I would see was more water. This was the end.

@

A small limp body lay at the water’s edge. A fragile looking young womenwoman (you seem to have made this mistake a lot. Go through and change women to woman), most likely about 18-20 (you should probably pick one age and stick with it. It'll sound better), lay in the course (should be coarse) black sand. Her dark brown hair was tangled and wrapped around her arms, her clothing looking ripped and old. Daniel swiftly slid down Camry, his appaloosa horse. Holding the small body in his arms, he ran his rough fingers over her wrists and felt for a pulse. She was still alive, but barley. Daniel put his index finger and thumb around her wrist, almost being able to curl his index finger around twice. He put his hand on her forehead, it was like an oven. This girl was sick, very sick.
So now you've switched perspectives? Interesting...

Daniel held her close to his body, leaped up on Camry and trotted back to the castle. He looked down at the woman in his arms, she was beautiful. She had a beautifully defined chin, and large tender rosy lips. He felt them beckoning him in. Daniel knelt his head down, softly steeling a kiss from the young woman’s lips. They were as tender as they looked and tasted like salt, but Daniel didn’t mind the taste. He held the small women closer to him as he started to gallop. He wanted to save her, no matter what it took; he had to know who she was, and what happened to her.
If you're going to switch perspectives I think you should still keep it in first person. Otherwise the woman is the one telling the story, and how does she know what Daniel is doing while she's passed out? Make sense?

@

I felt a cloud cushioning my body, the whole world felt warm and sweaty. I kept my eyes closed and turned over. If this was heaven, I could wait ten minutes to finally see it. I felt way too refreshed. I tucked the blanket under my chin, and relaxed. I heard a door creak open, footsteps followed, and a door close lightly. I did not open my eyes, not yet; I didn’t want to know my fate.yet(it flows better without the word 'yet' here) Not yet…

“The girl is doing well, and should wake up soon” A small tweaked voice scratch out, it sounded like it was painful just for this man to talk. I cringed lightly.

“What have you found out about her Dr. Ramden?” This voice was nothing like the other, deep and demanding, this voice was controlled and forceful, like a captain or drill Sargent, it was a lot like…



“Do not you dare talk to me like that” A man stood in front of me. He was tall, and strong with his stance. A pain seared through my face as I fell to the floor, holding my cheek.
Very powerful. I like this part.

An image ran through my mind. I cannot even remember. Not anymore. Whatever it was my mind blanked. I must have lost parts of my memory. Whoever I thought of, he is the reason I am here. Heaven, hell, or earth. I am here because of him. I can feel it in my bones.
This is another powerful paragraph. I like how you keep the mystery, but you add in the hatred of this man.

“Nothing sir, some men and I have asked around but nothing about missing women(did you mean 'a missing woman'? Or did you mean they went around asking of 'missing women'?)” A cold rough hand touched my arm. My eyes finally jolted open; I saw, seeing a huge pair of spectacles eying me down. I jolted back falling, falling to a soft carpeted floor. My breath became heavy and it felt musty making it hard to breath. I tried to grasp as much air possible but it never felt enough.



Arms wrapped around me, not the rough cracked ones though. These were soft and warm. My gaze caught dark grey eyes with a hint of green in them which confused me, yet intrigued me. Our eyes locked, I was in a trance I’m sure. I drew my hand up to his face, but pulled back quickly when he broke the gaze and glared at the doctor.

“Are we sure she is not balmy on the crumpet?” The doctor uttered, the man held me tighter, pressing me against chest. His shirt was thin and I could feel his soft muscles. They made me shudder.

“No” The man barked back at the doctor “She is probley(watch your spelling. It should be 'probably') running from something… Someone”

@

The first thing Daniel had noticed was her eyes. Big emerald green eyes. How could anything this beautiful be insane? She was probley just still dazed from everything. He set her back down on the small bed, and pulled the blanket up to her chest.

“Leave me with the girl” Daniel boomed. (It is Daniel here, right?)The small fat mandoctor nodded and left the room, slamming the door behind him. Daniel starred at the young women; she starred back just as evenly. She seemed dazed still, but he had to ask her some questions.

“What’s your name dear?” Daniel whispered, he triedtrying to make his voice as soft and caring as possible, something he was not used to. The women gave him a confused look, and stumbled out,

“I… I don’t remember” Daniel smiled and seating himself next to her on the bed. The covers were crimson as well as most of the room. He always found this room to be very comfortable and cozy.

“Do you remember anything about your past?”

“I remember being slapped by a man… with a strong voice like your own…” She quirked her head, “But he never spoke softly, not to anyone…” Daniel frowned,

“You seem to remember more about this man then yourself”

“I did not want to remember myself”

“Why?”

“I do not know”

@



The beautiful man got up off the bed, looking at me sadly. He seemed excited when he had first started the questions, but now leaving with no answers or further knowledge on myself, looked sad and drained of energy.

The man in my vision before looked sad, like the beautiful man. He held my hands tightly.(who held her hands? Daniel or the vision man?) The man had light blond hair, and light skin with freckles on his nose.

“Violet…”

“Wait!” I screamed out to the beautiful man as he opened the creaking door. He looked back woefully “My name is Violet” The man grinned and came back over to the bed sitting on the edge.



“I am Daniel Decker, Duke of Dunmore” Then he got up and walked out, smiling.

This was a good story although it did have some grammer and spelling mistakes. If you read through it again and fix the errors, it'll be a great story. Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

* * *

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright

YWS is life
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1057
Reviews: 25
Wed Aug 10, 2011 12:00 pm
nutmegan595 says...



I like your story idea and the changing points of view, but I suggest using first person for all of it or third person for all of it. It isn't super important but it makes the writing better. On a word document, try changing the font between people so we can tell they are different. Or put the person's name at the start of their section.
Now nitpicks:
She was still alive, but barley.
Barely is spelled with the L and E switched. Simple mistake.
He wanted to save her, no matter what it took; he had to know who she was, and what happened to her.
Since you have two clauses on each side of the semi-colon, I'd suggest making it a period. Right now it's bordering on a run-on.
“Do not you dare talk to me like that”
Two things about this. I figure the man is shouting so add an exclamation point or at least a period. And second, I don't know why you used "do not" instead of "don't" but the phrase flows better with a contraction. If you had a reason though, that's fine as is.
Heaven, hell, or earth. I am here because of him.
You seem to like to use either fragments or almost run-ons. There were a couple other spots where a period would have worked better than a semi-colon but it's not necessary. Here the period after earth should be a semi-colon.
Other than my nitpicks and the suggestion about point-of-view, I really liked the story. I hope you write more to it.
  





User avatar
153 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1532
Reviews: 153
Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:42 am
AngelKnight900 says...



I like your story but it does need to be read over. Also....I like the idea of changing the perspective but if you want both of the point of views than third person is a great thing to use. If not so, then have one chapter narrated by one character and the next chapter narrated by that next. Make the change of narrators into a pattern. Other than that, I enjoyed this first chapter. Keep writing.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj
  








When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann