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Burning chapter 3



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Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:48 pm
blondeshorty01 says...



I awoke to faint hoof beats that seemed to grow closer. I tried to stand but slid back, and with a start I realized why.
I screamed, looking at my blood-stained white satin dress, the design of running horses was stained with hot, sticky, blood, and my frizzy hair was a mess, falling out of a low bun, also covered in the liquid. I looked around to see the baron hills of my home burned and bloody. The General store was only half standing, and what was once the library was now a heaping mass of ash.
I chocked out a rattling cough, my lungs must be coated with ash also! I looked to my left, and let out a cry of anguish, there, amongst others, was the body of my father, his gray eyes were staring at the midnight sky, and one arm was reaching out as if to grab the stars. I crawled to him, right as the horse I had heard came into sight.
“Ma’am!” the dark man said, taken aback, “Are you alright?” his chestnut wined in fear as a burning building collapsed with a “whoosh!”
“f…f…fine….please, h…help my dad….” I said, finding it hard to talk. The man leaned down, and I saw his face better in the glowing embers. He was dark-skinned with shaggy black hair. He blinked, took one look at my father, and his face softened, he opened his mouth and said, “Rose, Rose, Rose!!!”


I woke to Auntie G.’s relentless shaking and cursing my heavy sleeping,
“hmmm wha…” I mumbled still half in my dream.
“I swear you could sleep through anythin’ child! Now get yous lazy rump downstairs, there’s a special breakfast for you, but eat fast, your already late!” Auntie G. blinked her dark eyes, pushing short and frizzy hair from her face.
“Late for what?” I said, the sleep warring off. Auntie G. pursed her lips in frustration,
“The picnic!” she yelled.
“Oh!” I jumped out of bed, suddenly aware I was in a flimsy nightgown, “umm coming!” I said, pulling the comforter around myself. Auntie G. left in a flourish, and I was left to meditate on my dream as I got ready. I threw on a yellow cotton dress what had little white flowers on the hem, and pulled my hair into a long braid. I looked at my self thought the mirror on the creamy vanity set, and grimaced, my skin looked flushed and my eyes were wider then normal, “that dream was something wasn’t it?” I asked to my dog Joe who was curled up on my comforter.
He “woofed” in reply and I gently opened the old creaky door to let him out, then when down and grabbed a peach for the road. I ran to our horse and buggy and jumped on, realizing I had no shoes on,
“looking for these?” my father asked from the front, handing me my new white shoes.
“Thanks!” I gasped in relief, and we set off. As I was gazing across the landscape, I understood how much the dream affected me, I was tired down to the bone, so I dozed off into a dreamless nap.
I was jerked awake when the horses, who had been at a steady gallop, suddenly stopped at the park. I heard happy squeals of children playing in the lake, and heard the leaves rustled by a soft breeze.
“Rose?” I hear a familiar voice say softly wakening me up even more,
“Anastasia!” I gasped and jumped out onto the soft green grass. I saw her smiling and waving, standing next to a man with ridged posture and light skin much like his daughters. I calmly walked over and hugged Anastasia,
“I missed you!” she said, and I returned the greeting.
“well,” my father said joyfully, “let’s eat!” we had Chicken and Dumplings, and spicy peppers. We then gulped down some milk, and had some peach cobbler. Anastasia and I then excused ourselves from our fathers and walked sown the beach.
“So Rosy, what’s wrong? Didn’t sleep well?” she said worriedly, “well, ya see, I had this dream..” and so I spilled to her my dark dream. Anastasia shuddered and said,
“I couldn’t imagine having that kind of dream!”
“I couldn’t believe it was a dream! I was scared out of my mind! But that man on the horse, his face is sticking out in my mind, what do you think that means?” I twanged like I did when I was pondering something.
“I was wondering the same thing..” Anastasia said quietly. I looked around a few minutes later and didn’t recognize anything.
“Anastasia, where are we?” I asked fearfully
“I…I don’t know…” she grabbed for my arm as the sun started setting,
“let’s just, retrace our steps!” I said shakily, but before either of us could move we heard footsteps from behind, and the sound of many muskets being loaded.
Last edited by blondeshorty01 on Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:59 pm
PeaceAloha10 says...



I love it! wayy better than the others, not that they were bad or anything! i hate that you put a cliff hanger though -_- . other than that it was terrific! i can't wait for the next chapter! keep it up!
I love Hot Chelle Rae! (best band in the world, u should look them up :D)
  





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Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:14 am
Calligraphy says...



Hi Shorty! First I would like to say that your avvie is awesome. We seem to have the same taste in music. XD

The second thing I noticed was that this was in Historical Fiction Novels, but it wasn't part of a novel! When you make a new chapter there is always an option to make it part of a novel. If you say yes you will be brought through the steps of making a novel. Doing this can make it way easier to organize your book.

I think the biggest problem with this is that you tell, tell, tell. I want you to show! Showing is a very important part of writing. I will be convinced your sister is smart if you show me she rather than just telling me. I could tell you:

My sister is a genius.


I could show you:

My sister gets straight A's, has jumped forward two grades, and has won four state spelling bees.


Now this isn't exactly like your writing, but I just wanted to make sure you got the concept. This will let us decided if your sister has talent or not. By doing this you also will be able to express your characters personalities more. Show emotion instead of telling us your characters are scared, happy, or angry.

Nitpicks:

“Rose?” I hear a familiar voice say softly wakening me up even more,

“Anastasia!” I gasped and jumped out onto the soft green grass. I saw her smiling and waving, standing next to a man with ridged posture and light skin much like his daughters. I calmly walked over and hugged Anastasia,

“I missed you!” she said, and I returned the greeting.


'hear' should be in past tense like the rest of the chapter.

Also, at first with the exclamation point at the end of 'Anastasia' you make it seem like our main character is really pumped to see her friend. Then you say she calmly walked over? That doesn't make sense. Then again you make it sound like they haven't seen each other in a long time with the next speech. Make sure the actions of your characters are consistent.

Overall this is pretty good. I want to see what happens next. But, I wish I knew your characters more. They are all a bit bland. Make them pop. Make us feel strong emotion about them. We should love the main characters and hate the bad guys. What character traits stand out most in Anastasia? Make sure you show us them.

Hope I helped,

Calli

P.S. What time period was this set in?

P.P.S. I forgot to say this whole chapter seemed a bit rushed as well.
  





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Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:14 pm
Apple says...



Hello, Apple here.

I really like your story. Straight away when I started reading I was pulled in -- from the first chapter -- and sent on a magical journey (I've been watching to many cartoons :D)! You have a really awesome writing style. Quick and precise, I am surprised this hasn't been featured! Your characters are also very interesting. I can relate to practically all of them and I can easily fall into the MC's shoes and see the story unfold. Good job, that's not easy to do. But now onto the errors. Alright so the biggest problem I found with this chapter and the other two is that you tend to tell and not show. This is a big problem and very common. Practically every writer has this problem, it just takes a lot of practice to break through the shell of this epidemic (Ha! I'm making it sound like a plague. Well it practically is.).

Show and not tell means that you state just the bare facts like Mrs Weasley went to the supermarket, and got beaned soup for tomorrow night's casserole. As a writer you do want a line like that bringing down the rest of your story. It's boring. Plain. And makes the reader's eyes roll back into their heads and fall into an eternal sleep. I've seen it done, do not doubt the rolling back coma theory! To avoid telling and not showing you want to add a lot of airy fairy (adjectives, nouns, verds or what nots) words into your sentences.

Example: Mrs Weasley travelled by motorbike to the supermarket; driving through the busiest time of the day when all witches and wizards were out to lunch. When she arrived at Allen's Emporium, she hurried towards the final cans of beaned soup of the day in which she hoped to use for tomorrow night's casserole.

Yes a very bad example and I kind of did make it into two sentences but you get the idea. Show and not telling allows your peice to become more interesting and a lot longer in length though you can't let explaining things get ahead of you. The writing world is a little difficult. You can't have to little of this but then cannot have to much of it either. That's just how the dice rolls. I really don't like that example by the way, it smells! Other then that there was no real errors. Your grammar and spelling need some work though Cal has already attended to that. There are some forums on this site that really help in helping your writing in every kind of way. You should check them out.

Good luck in the future. Apple.
I spy!
  








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