Enjoy your story, because this is the point when William becomes a real gentleman, at least that's what I hope. ^^________________________________________________________________________________
THE RED ROSE
CHAPTER EIGHT: "A Rose in the Rain"
***
William
William
During those last days, I had been meeting the French woman very seldom, as seldom as I could… so rarely that I could've as well forgotten her name. My goal had been partly fulfilled. I succeeded in deceiving Rose, but did not get her back. It had all been much ado about nothing. The fact that I had caused her pain did not give me any satisfaction anymore. I should've been ashamed for using Beatrice to hurt the other… the only… the only woman that I dared to say I cared for. This jealousy and my thirst for revenge were just a pretext that fed my ego, trying to convince me that Rose did not mean a thing to me and that what we'd had was only a short-lived affair that was now over.
Lies! It had all been lies; I had been living a lie by denying the feelings that I came to nurture towards Rose. Little by little, I was starting to feel guilty.
And as with all women, once given a chance, they will get the most out of all opportunities. Beatrice did not make an exception. She held on like a limpet to me, sending me letters that I would not read for days… until I, being tired and growing disgusted by this aberrant pretending, that I myself started, gave up. In the end, I offered her a consistent amount of money and she, in return, promised that would leave for Paris. Once gone, I could at last feel as if somebody had taken a load off my mind. On the other hand, and at the same time, it was then that I started to feel uneasy.
One morning, I found myself awaken by an insistent knock at my door. Little was my surprise when I opened the door and found Scarlet behind it. The truth is, I was expecting her at any moment to come and tell me that something horrible had happened to Rose. The instant I saw Scarlet, I had a quick flash of premonition. From the moment she appeared before my eyes until she finally greeted me and made an apology for such an early visit, several absurd situations crossed my mind.
I imagined Rose being ill, having run away from home, alone or with the count, and even suspected that she could have committed suicide. It was a frightening experience, probably dictated by my conscience. No matter how hard I tried to deny, I was aware of my guilt. And if something would've happened to Rose, I knew it had been my entire fault.
"Scarlet, what brings you here at such an early hour?" I asked, as if being dragged out of a trance and brought back into reality.
"Judging from the look on your face," she said while looking at me insistently, "I'd say you know very well why I am here." I made no comments on that, snapping out of my superstitions once again, and brought my hand to my head, so as to make sure that this was not a dream I was in. "Anyhow, I've come to ask you if you've seen Rose. I did not find her home, so I figured she might be here."
"You thought wrong. I hope she all right, though?" I could not help but ask. Even though I was aware of the fact that what I had seen with my mind's eyes was plain imagination that had nothing to do with reality, I needed a reason to reassure me that Rose was safe. Still, I spoke with indifference, not realising, though, that Scarlet had no knowledge of our previous fight and discussions. I gave myself away when I shouldn't have.
"I could not tell. Though, since she has broken up with that count, I started to worry about her. She is fine, I suppose, but not thanks to you, William. What have you done to her?" Scarlet burst out, all of a sudden.
"Who? I? What silly lie did she tell you?" I said in defence of myself.
"None, she refused to even talk to me. This is why I came to you. I assumed that you two have a fight? Is this true?"
"As a matter of fact, Scarlet, yes, we did."
"I should've guessed," she said, almost to herself. "William, you know I've taken your part at first, but she is my friend. Please leave her alone if you can't bring anything else in her life than misery. Can't you see, you've been repeatedly hurting her since you two have met?"
"What is the meaning of this, Scarlet? Did you come all the way to my place to blame me for something you do not have knowledge of? And since when has she broken up with that man?" I fought back, not knowing whether to believe what my ears had heard. Suddenly, I felt a strong urge to find out everything that had happened to Rose during our separation. "You must tell me."
"If you expect me to give you the whole account of it, William… then you're wrong! I've already told you too much. I promised not to meddle in her private life. But I'll tell you what," she said while heading towards the exit, "you might be a man with principles, but if you have no heart, you're in no way above that count, and you don't deserve her either. So please don't come to me again for help." And with these words, she crossed the threshold, almost shutting the door on me.
"Wait! Scarlet! I need you to tell me…" To no avail did I try to stop her. Once gone, she did not return, leaving my questions unanswered.
What had all that been – Scarlet's visit and the vision that I'd just had? I had no idea. But somehow, I believe that this was a sign. It was not the first time in my life when I had a feeling that everything happens for a reason. Had it not been for Scarlet, I would have possibly never seen Rose again.
The fact that she was no longer with that count changed the whole situation. In that moment, the victory was in my hands. She must've broken up with the count because she still could not forget what we had, she could not get me out of her pretty head. There I was, facing my pride and selfishness once again. For every time the prospect of her being in disadvantage was clear to me, I was adopting the same attitude of superiority. The uncertainty of her love towards me now gone, I could easily fall in my other extreme. Every time I knew I had her at my fingertips, I would ignore my heart and follow my ration… if there was any at all in my behaviour. I had two options: I could've waited until she would come back to me, or start searching for her. However, I chose the latter. Patience was not by my side; I wanted to hear her arguments and apologises right then. I did not know where she might've been, but I could go to the theatre.
And so I did, since it was the only place where I expected her to be. By the time I arrived at the theatre, however, all representations had been finished. I had not succeeded in finding Rose and was ready to leave the building. And so I would've done, had it not been for the strong wind that had risen, soon followed by a heavy rain. I had no other choice but to wait until the storm would cease.
I counted the seconds until the rain would finally cease, wondering where I would go next. She was not home; I had previously checked her place. Her maid informed me that she had not seen her for hours. This is the point where I started to worry about her once again. My concerns too strong, I forgot about all my presumed selfishness and superiority. It was only in moments of uncertainty like these that I understood completely what she truly meant to me.
It was still raining when I decided to leave the building and head for my place. The streets were empty, and I was pleased by this fact. Walking down the streets by myself, with the rain pouring against my face seemed the perfect end of that day.
I decided to follow the same road that Rose and I did when we had gone to the theatre for the first time together, turning down another street than the one that led the centre of the town.
Great was my surprise when I, turning the corner of the theatre, was almost on the edge of running into a young lady. It only took a flash for me to distinguish those blue eyes and golden curls, which were now wet and loose because of the rain. My heart skipped a beat when I realised that it was Rose who was standing right there, under the roof of the building, in the rain… half-soaked and coughing. There must've been destiny that dictated me to follow that path, for it brought us together once again.
"Rose!" I shouted and neared her. She twisted her head around, and startled as if frightened when she beheld me, then turned her head away from me, not saying a word.
Noticing that I came close, however, she uttered, "Please leave me alone." That was the most cold and indifferent voice I had ever heard as coming from behind such sweet lips. I was completely wrong and injudicious. She did not want me back. "Go away, I beg you," she insisted, seeing that I did not listen to her request.
"For how long have been staying in the rain?"
"Why would you… why would you even care?" she uttered between coughs. I watched her staring blankly ahead, ignoring the cold completely. She crossed her arms around her, trying to conceal her shivering. Behind the hate that must've been in her heart right then, I thought I saw teardrops falling down her cheeks. Though, I could not tell if they were raindrops or tears. Nonetheless, there was visible pain in her eyes, a pain that I knew I had been keeping alive.
"Have you lost your mind? You'll get a cold. Come," I said as I grabbed her wrist, "let me take you home."
"Oh, how considerate of you!" she bitterly replied, freeing her hand of my grip. "Do not dare to give me orders, William. Leave me alone, your pretended affection is the least that I need." Those being said, she pulled away from me with such force and indignation that made me question whether it was hate that had taken the place of love in her heart. I watched her walking away, leaving me behind. I ran after her, trying to stop her, but she firmly refused to let me take her home.
"Rose, you are acting absurdly," I said, grasping her shoulders insistently. This caused her to finally look at me, but with such resentment that it made me lose all spirit. However, it was the right moment for clarifying some aspects. She did not hurry to cut me off this time, thus I thought that she would finally listen to what I had to say. "Is it true that you broke up with the count?"
"It is none of your concerns," she refused to reveal any aspect of the matter; regardless, I knew the truth.
"Why did you not tell me?"
"Why would I have told you?" she protested, throwing sharp glances at me. "Does it please you? Does it finally make you love me? Am I somebody else, now that I am not with him anymore?"
"No, you do not understand. That is not what I am trying to tell you."
"I understand it very well. I strongly advise you to change your perception on love, mister. You should go back to your other woman, most likely this is where you came from anyway."
"I take it that seeing me with another woman did not bother you at all, am I correct?" I fought back. "You were not jealous, nor did you despise me."
"That is a completely different matter," she turned to face me again. "You did it on purpose. I've never meant to hurt you while I was with Ralph; it was just the way things were. But now that everything has been cleared between us, will you please let me go and stop following me? We have nothing else to discuss."
"You are crazy for believing that I will permit you to stay in the rain." Seizing her by the waist, I raised Rose from the ground in my arms, and refused to release her until she'd be somewhere safe.
"No, let me go, I am not coming with you!" Her attempts at escaping from my arms were in vain. There was no way I could leave her there in the state that she was in – all shivering and soaked with rain. I could not have left anybody in such a storm, much less the woman I loved. I searched the empty streets for a coach, ignoring her screams of protest, until I caught a glimpse of one through the dim, and summoned it.
Inside the coach, I took my coat off and covered her bare shoulders with it. Although she preserved the same indifferent attitude, I knew something inside her must've melted because she did not reject my gesture. Maybe she was reserved because we were not alone and it was common sense to preserve modesty in public.
The coach trotted and we fell into silence. The sound of the horses' gallop against the pavement and the rain hitting the windows accompanied us all the way home. Anything Rose would want to say, any rebuke she would want to utter, could not be heard, so she just remained silent.
Rose
The road seemed to last forever. I must've shivered all the way to William's place, not because of the cold – for I had his coat tightly wrapped around me, but because of him. We hadn't stood so close to another since that night when we had loved with such passion. It bothered me that I still remembered every detail, every line we had exchanged, but above all, I remembered everything that had happened between words and it made me feel uneasy. Even the thought of it was enough to send me chills.
After our arrival, William led me upstairs to his apartment and proceeded to light the fireplace. He brought me a cup of hot tea, then took a seat at his desk and started to work on his plays. He was now entirely dedicated to his work, almost ignoring me completely. Every time he heard me cough, he'd ask me whether I am alright, I'd answer that I'm fine, than he'd go back to his papers with one simple reply: "Good." – as plain as that. After all that we had, all he could say about us was reduced to this. I did not know whether to hate this indifference of his.
Truth is, it irked me. I felt a firm impulse to argue with him right then. Everything that he had done before in order to hurt me was coming to my mind anew, including that scene I had in mind of him kissing that girl at the theatre. I wished to know everything about what had happened between them, thought that it was my right to find out about their relationship and the part I was playing in this triangle. "So, did you two have a great time together? Was it a healthy experience?" I asked him in the end.
"Do I sense a hint of jealousy?" I noticed irony in the way he replied to my question.
"Not at all. Yet you started it first. It is only fair that I return the favour and ask you about your personal matters."
"Oh, I see; you and your strong sense of justice!" he exclaimed with a bitter laugh. "You might want to review your perception on justice, though, while I review mine on love. You know I think you ought to –"
All of a sudden, I stood up, ready to leave at any moment. "I've had enough. I don't know what I am doing here, anyway."
"Are you out of your mind? The rain has not stopped yet."
"It does not show signs of stopping, either. I am afraid I can no longer stay. I want to leave."
"Well you could try, but you would have to move past me." I repeatedly tried to surmount the barrier between me and the door – that was his body, but with no result. In the end, I surrendered and backed off. The gesture he made in order to stop me from leaving somehow reminded me of my relationship with Ralph. He used to stop me that way whenever I wished to leave his bed and he did not agree with me.
"Go ahead, use your strength against me. After all, this is what all of you men can do to hurt us, you hurt those that are weaker than you," I complained, and leaned back on the chair again. "Why did you bring me here anyway? You should've left me home."
"I do not trust you in this condition you are in. I could not leave you by yourself."
"I would not be by myself. Annette would be with me."
"Yes. And she'd do anything you'd ask her to."
"I am not that miserable so as to wish to put an end to my life," I replied, regaining attitude, "I've had my share of heartbreaks and I survived. If you think that I can't live without you, you are misinformed."
"I would not dare to think so low of me, but I am guilty to admit that the thought that you could sometimes see life as empty without me being a part of it does make me a little pleased."
"You must be pleased in your dreams, then, for it is the only place where this might ever prove to be true," I stood strong against him.
"Good night!" That was it? He did not fight back! "If you need anything, I will be in the next room." I was left speechless. For once, I thought that I was the one who had pushed the limit a little too far. God knows that the only thing I wished was to jump in his arms right away, but I could not – not as long as he showed no affection whatsoever towards me.
I watched him silently as he grabbed his papers and pen and exited the room. If only we could've forgotten those past days and admit that we were crazy about each other! If he had told me he loved me, I would've been capable of forgiving all of his mistakes. I was ready to jump in his arms and never let him go. I would've given myself to him right then and there, with such passion that I had never encountered before.
Only that these did not happen.
William
When I woke up in the morning, I was surprised to realise that Rose had left my place. Even more surprised was I when I stumbled upon a note in which she thanked me for having taken care of her the day before and assured me that she had waited for the rain to stop before she went home.
It did not take me long to reconsider the possibility that we could start our relationship all over again. Here we were once again… at the beginning. It had all started with a note dropped at my feet, and now because of the same circumstance I was on the point of bringing her back to me. I was planning to apologise to her in the sweetest, most honest manner that I could. And how else could I have done this… if not by writing her a letter?
I took the pen in the hand, dipped in ink and began to write:
My dearest Rose (please allow me to call you this way),
I ask you to forgive my impulsiveness nature when I cannot acquit myself of my fault. I blame myself for causing you so much pain; it is a feeling of guilt I cannot ignore. I have been too dominated by my arrogance.
By hurting you, I was merely hoping to become free of any thought of you. You've opposed so much resistance, that I could never imagine to have hurt you so much, could never consider the possibility that you, even though so strong on the outside, could have such a sensitive heart inside.
I should let you know that woman is out of my life, as she has been from the moment I started to use her in order to gain your attention. There has been nothing more between us than what you have seen with your own eyes.
It is always when comparing to something inferior when you realise the true value of what you have lost. And now, that she is gone, I become aware of how great was our love and of the fact that I do not wish to lose it.
I do not ask for an immediate response. Only the simple fact that you have read this and haven't thrown the letter away brings happiness to me. At least now you know the truth.
Yours,
William
***
Unexpectedly, as soon as I sent the letter to Rose – the day after, I had gotten a reply. I opened it eagerly, anticipating a positive response. This is what it said:
William (because I can not call you another way),
Please do not ask for forgiveness. I do not despise you for what you have done. Most likely, I feel guilty as well. Experience has taught me that in love there is nobody's fault. Both parties are guilty for each other's mistakes. I am aware of my mistakes and your faults won't erase mine.
I hope that in the future you will not question me further about what made me choose Ralph over you or about the reason that stood behind my will to finally end my affair with him. We should leave the past behind and start living in the present, and for the future, whatever it will bring to us.
Perhaps we will meet at the theatre again one day. Maybe our love will flame once again, maybe it will not. Either way, for the moment, please let everything be the way it is and do not fight against our destiny.
Yours once,
Rose
Spoiler! :
What was meant to make things clear brought about even more questions with no certain answer to me. Reading Rose's letter did nothing more, nothing less than confuse me. By the end of the first half of the letter, I had been sure that she wanted us to be together again. But reading her last words over and over again, I could not make any statement regarding her feelings towards me anymore.
The worst prospect that a relationship could ever offer you is that of not being able to interfere, to take action. This was the situation that I was in. I wished to see her again while she asked me not to do anything in order to find her. How could I trust destiny that it would bring us together one day? Could I wait for so long, without having the certainty that this 'someday' would eventually come to me one day?
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