Young Writers Society

Okay, so I started writing a WWII historical fiction novel. I need to know what people think. I have an idea for switching some stuff around, but I need to know what people think of it so far. Thank you!!!

Chapter 1

The wrinkles on the woman’s face showed more than they had in years. It was her ninety-fifth birthday, but her bright blue eyes shown just as bright as they had sixty years ago.
She sighed, touching her white hair. Memories of the full, blond locks engulfed her mind, and suddenly, she missed the past, the terrible, dark, heartbreaking past.
“Grammy?” The old door creaked as the woman’s seventeen year old granddaughter opened the door.
Grammy turned, her eyes swiping over her son’s beautiful daughter. It was like a reflection of Grammy’s past features. Her granddaughter’s blond hair was swept up into a bun and her blue eyes shone like the deep blue sea.
“Yes Liesle?” Grammy asked, trapped in memories.
“Grammy, I’ve told you a thousand times, call me Lisa.” Liesle sighed, sitting on the soft bed, and looking at her Grammy as Grammy stared at her. “Grammy? Are you okay?”
“Liesle? Do you know what today is?”
“Its your birthday, of course.” Liesle shrugged casually.
Grammy smiled. “That’s not all it is. It’s the seventy year anniversary of the beginning of Reichskristallnacht.”
“Reichskritsallnacht?” Liesle asked, trying to remember what she had learned in history class.
“The Night of Shattered Glass. The fourty-eight hours that millions of Jews were killed, arrested, and sent to Concentration Camps.”
“How do you remember that today is the…anniversary of that day?” Liesle asked skeptically.
“Because…” Grammy sighed. “That was the day, he was taken from me.” Grammy’s blue eyes suddenly became shiny with tears.
“Who Grammy?” Liesle asked, and when Grammy didn’t reply she asked, “How old were you?”
“I was twenty-five, and expecting a child.”
“What…what happened exactly?”
“Well, you’d have to go back to the year 1935, October 11th 1933 to be exact. The day my father became a Nazi solider.”

* * * *
I was turning twenty the next month, and had finally gotten a small apartment above a bakery. I was not married, but I had decided that I wanted to go to college in my hometown Berlin. My family didn’t live too far away, so I visited them frequently. On October 11th my mother invited me to dinner, telling me that my father had a surprise for the family.
I remember walking to my parents home at precisely five-thirty and being greeted by my fifteen year old sister, Gretel. Gretel was like her usual self. She was bouncy, clingy, and extremely talkative. Her blond hair was always in a mess from running and showing off how fast she was to the boys in our small neighborhood.
My house smelled like flowers, since my mother loved them so. On every table, empty shelf, or desk, there was a vase of flowers. I liked to think of my mother as a flower herself. She always smelled of Cornflowers, and she looked like one. Her wavy blond hair always was up in a bun and her deep blue eyes were like the petals of the Cornflower. She always dressed in bright colors and wore the same perfect pearls around her neck.
Dinner was served at six-o-clock. That was the first time I saw my father in his uniform. His blond hair was combed over to the side, and his blue eyes shone with pride at our pure Aryan family. We were perfect in his eyes, and according to him, we were also perfect in the Führer’s, Adolf Hitler’s eyes.
“Why do we care what he thinks?” the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. That was when I finally noticed the red band bearing the Nazi insignia around his arm. I looked up to my father’s face. I shook my head and looked down as he bit his lip.
Gretel and mother looked at me, and even with my head bowed I knew that they could see the redness forming on my skin.
“We care about what he thinks of us Katarinna, because he is a great leader. We, were born to protect this country. He will lead us to victory!” I looked up to see my father glowing as he spoke every word.
“But what if he’s wrong?” I whispered, but no one seemed to hear me.
“We are perfect in his eyes! We are pure Aryans, the superior race! Conquerors of victory!” I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I saw how the Jews were treated. The Fürhere had them labeled with Stars of David, as if they were cattle on a cattle farm. Their businesses were beginning to be boycotted. Graffiti everywhere read: “Don’t buy from the Jews”, “We are struggling because of the Jews”, “You pay more to Jews and get less”. The list was endless, and it was everywhere. Many Jewish businesses were being taken over by Germans. And slowly, Jews were no longer allowed to go to school, teach, be medical doctors, or any civil service jobs.
My teacher at the university, Mr. Maxton, had been fired only a week before my father became a Nazi solider. He had always stuck out, like, well like a Jew in a German crowd. His dark hair and dark eyes pointed out that he was different, we were superior to him, or at least that was what I was told. I hadn’t figured out why he had been fired until one of my classmates told me, it was because of his belief and race.
“You…you support the ways they are treating the Jews?” I asked my father as he sipped his wine.
“Katarinna, we are superior to them. And we are treating them how they deserve to be treated.”
“How they deserve to be treated?” I yelled, standing up and slamming my fists onto the table. “They are people! Mr. Maxton was a smart, eligible person making a living! And you took it all away from him!”
“Do not raise your voice at me!” My father shouted. “You are still my daughter young lady!”
“I will always be your daughter, but I have my own home now. I don’t have to follow your rules anymore,” I clarified. I stepped out away from the table and headed to the door. “I’m going out for a walk,” I mumbled. I opened the door and stepped into the fresh autumn air, for the first time in my life, happy to be away from my home.
I walked down the sidewalk a small, cool wind tousling my blond hair. I hated my hair at that moment. It was what made me “superior” but I didn’t feel superior. I felt as if I had been born into a pack of wolves. A pack of blind, selfish wolves.

Hero here to R(elay) and E(xplain) my VIEW of this.

Okay, firstly let me say I really dislike historical war stories - especially those of more modern days. But whatever I hate about them, the glorifying of war, you have taken off. I am glad this is not from the viewpoint of a dying soldier who does something crazy and amazing and lives through it. Well done.

But sadly, for a Chapter 1, you have not entirely captured me. Here are a few points:
Lisa has no motivation so far, she seems to be a way for your story to kick-off. Give her a reason for visiting Grammy, an authentic voice and the works or get rid of her. Can you write over a page of Lisa's history from this one chapter? Establish her first.
:3rd Person: In the opener, you jumped from Grammy's 3rd Person to Lisa's
:Chapter Ending: Your chapter didn't end with a bang. We knew that Lisa hated the Nazi policies and ideas from the beginning, having her storm out did not move the story along. If it WILL, then rather bring that WILL here so it can energize the chapter. Something interesting to do would be to have a much more dramatic scene like her father telling her that he will not tolerate traitors. It's been said to start the story as everything goes wrong. If this does not fit, then have your other characters pick sides in the arguement and we'll have a picture of where your story will go and what the characters will do.

Forest, we need more Drive, VUMA! Energy. Not to make it crazy stupid or cliche, but every chapter ending needs something to urge us on. At this moment, I'm not very convinced as to why to keep reading, if only to read the part of her romance. It was your beginning that drove this, not the major part of your story.

On that happy not, I end this review. Wait a day, re-read, edit, wait, re-read, edit, post and link me
Hero.

Hello Forest, here I am.

the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Don't forget to capitalize "the."

In the second paragraph, I just think you used the word "flowers" too many times. Try "blossoms".

I looked up to my father’s face. I shook my head and looked down as he bit his lip.

Just go ahead and make these sentences into one. And here...

We, were born to protect this country.

...the comma isn't needed.

Cheers!

I won't go detailed about grammar here as you haven't edited your post yet and Stori has already mentioned the mistakes I've noticed too.

As to about the story itself. In terms of description I have to say it's well written. I had no trouble imagining what you had in mind, I also could pretty much feel the feelings of Katarinna. I myself have great knowledge about World War ( Second the most ) and I'm familiar with all the process of 'Jew annihilation', which later expanded into 'Annihilation of Slovenian nations' (I'm Slovenian). What you mentioned there made sense to me and I haven't spotted anything historically wrong. The beginning of 'Jew annihilation' was the declaration.

I just feel like there's seriously not much to read, we just know that she had an apartment, visited her parents and found out about her father's viewpoint, later leaving the house. It's pretty much the only let down I can spot there, because as I mentioned = description and your way of writing is pretty good.

Keep writing and good luck!
Kyou

O hai.

First of all, your spacing is off. You need to leave a line between each paragraph and each line of dialogue, so:

Grammy smiled. “That’s not all it is. It’s the seventy year anniversary of the beginning of Reichskristallnacht.”
“Reichskritsallnacht?” Liesle asked, trying to remember what she had learned in history class.
“The Night of Shattered Glass. The fourty-eight hours that millions of Jews were killed, arrested, and sent to Concentration Camps.”

This should be spaced like this:

Grammy smiled. “That’s not all it is. It’s the seventy year anniversary of the beginning of Reichskristallnacht.”

“Reichskritsallnacht?” Liesle asked, trying to remember what she had learned in history class.

“The Night of Shattered Glass. The fourty-eight hours that millions of Jews were killed, arrested, and sent to Concentration Camps.”

Also, fourty-eight should be spelt forty-eight. I’ve never heard of it being called Reichskristallnacht, just Kristallnacht?


Story-wise, it was a little boring. Introducing Liesel at the beginning is a bit clichéd, she’s only there for Katarinna to tell her story. Why not cut her out and have Katarinna be thinking to herself, remembering and not telling, which is kind of old. Plus, Liesel’s kind of boring. Katarinna’s not much better, in point of fact.

So far, the characters consist of a perfect Aryan family where the daughter doesn’t like the Nazi policies. All right. That’s kind of boring. I mean, yes, there were people who didn’t like the Nazis, but then they got squished and you never heard about them again.

I’m suffering a moment of extreme ineloquence right now, so I’m probably not explaining this well, but reading about the perfect Aryan disagreeing with the Nazis and being brave and blonde and heroic and disobeying her father to do the right thing... it doesn’t sound very interesting or subtle. You know The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas? That is subtle and interesting because it’s from the viewpoint of a boy who’s too young to know any better. Somehow, conscious resistance to the Nazis is more meh.

Agh, this probably isn’t helping very much... Okay, basically, I didn’t find it very interesting. What I do find interesting is the fact that people in Nazi Germany often just went along with the whole ideology thing. The whole regime was an opportunity for the worst in people to come out. There were people like the Scholls and the ten Booms who resisted, but the utter barbarity and cruelty of the guards at the camps is more puzzling. It sounds disrespectful to say that, but in a study of human nature, it’s interesting.

... And this has turned into an essay and not so much a review. >_<

PM me if you have any questions.

Another thing: if this is set in 1935, then I think boycotting of Jewish shops had already begun -- there was one in April 1933, I think, but it didn't get very far.

I really liked the story. I usually don't read short stories on the internet, but I guess since I ADORE WWII I liked it even more. Getting to my constructive criticism, the beginning was a great way to start it out(nice vocabulary), but when you
switched the perspective back into the past of the grandmother, I was confused up to the point when you talked about the father being a Nazi. Also, in WWII I don't think that disobedience was tolerated, especially in Berlin. You had a good
ending for your chapter but if you're showing she's disobedient here, she should be disobedient throughout the story. Just a little tip! See ya!

“What…what happened exactly?”
“Well, you’d have to go back to the year 1935, October 11th 1933 to be exact. The day my father became a Nazi solider.”

So... Cliche... It hurts...

in the Führer’s,Adolf Hitler’s eyes

There is no need to put the Adolf Hitler in there, because when someone mentions "the Fuhrer," it is assumed that they mean Hitler.

our pure Aryan family

They wouldn't refer to themselves as Aryans; Hitler was the only one who called the blonde haired/blue eyed race "Aryans". Remember that Aryans are not an actual race, like Hispanics or Africans. The meaning of the word Aryan, who were technically the first Europeans, was altered by Hitler to suit his purposes.

The Fürhere had them labeled with Stars of David, as if they were cattle on a cattle farm. Their businesses were beginning to be boycotted. Graffiti everywhere read: “Don’t buy from the Jews”, “We are struggling because of the Jews”, “You pay more to Jews and get less”. The list was endless, and it was everywhere. Many Jewish businesses were being taken over by Germans. And slowly, Jews were no longer allowed to go to school, teach, be medical doctors, or any civil service jobs.

This entire section sounds like something out of a Middle School history book.

“How they deserve to be treated?” I yelled, standing up and slamming my fists onto the table. “They are people! Mr. Maxton was a smart, eligible person making a living! And you took it all away from him!”
“Do not raise your voice at me!” My father shouted. “You are still my daughter young lady!”
“I will always be your daughter, but I have my own home now. I don’t have to follow your rules anymore,” I clarified.

This is incredibly unrealistic. This argument seems like something that would happen during this time period, but during the late 20's/early 30's, the girl would have been slapped across the face and silenced. It also would be very strange for her to be living on her own. She would still be living with her family. And, eventually, if she continued standing up for the Jews, her father would probably tell the proper authorities that she was sympathetic towards the Jews, and she would be arrested.

It is not the best idea to make your main character be sympathetic towards the Jews. Even though she is your protagonist, she need not hold the same views that you do. Look at all the other WWII stories from the POV of Germans. Usually the protagonist is sympathetic towards the Jews. And if they aren't, they do not voice their own views. They sit in silence.

Looking back on the situation, it seems crazy that Germans, who are modern people, allowed such a genocide to occur. It did not occur just because of Racism against the Jews because of how they looked. Look up Jewish history. Jews are shunned because of their economical success. Write more about that. Read sections of Mein Kamf. Its the worst book ever written, but it does list some reasons for hating Jews. In one section it actually calls the Jews vampires. Knowing more of the history of Jewish racism would make this more believable, instead of just having the characters say "we are better than the Jews because they have big noses"

I felt as if I had been born into a pack of wolves. A pack of blind, selfish wolves.

This analogy makes no sense. What is selfish about a pack of wolves? Humans are bringing wolves to extinction, so obviously humans are more selfish than wolves. So you cannot compare a wolf to a human and say that the wolf is more selfish.

“Reichskritsallnacht?” Liesle asked,

It is called just "Kristallnact." Reich means "empire" in German. So empire-broken-glass-night? Makes no sense. It's just broken-glass-night. My second problem is that why do you say "Liesle" when she insists on being called "lisa?" commit to one name.

“That was the day, he was taken from me.” Grammy’s blue eyes suddenly became shiny with tears.

It's been seventy years... You'd think she'd be over it. And there's no need for her to mention this to her granddaughter. In fact, almost all of the dialogue between Grandma and Lisa is forced, as you use it as a plot device and an information dump.

Sorry if I seemed cruel. I have an obsession with history, so I'm likely to pick at every historical fact you put forth. PM me if you need any more help on the historical-ness.

Lena