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A Taint of Red (Working Title) Chapter 3



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Mon Jun 21, 2010 12:06 am
Forestqueen808 says...



Chapter 3

“That’s horrible!” Liesle exclaimed, dragging Grammy from her recollections. “Why didn’t you stop them?”

Grammy just chuckled. “No one dared to argue with the Nazis, even if he was my father. That would only be worse.”

“But still! Why didn’t Jacob fight back?”

Grammy sighed. “He tried. But he was outnumbered.” Grammy looked into her Liesle’s brown eyes, and then her sunshine colored locks. “You have his eyes.”

“Mom always says I have dad’s eyes.”

“No. They are the same color as your father’s, but they are definetly Jacob’s.” Grammy’s hands began to shake and tears slowly leaked from her eyes.

“Grammy? Do you want some tea?” Liesle’s face was sketched with worry. “Mom just made some, its still warm.”

Grammy nodded. “That would be nice, dear.” Liesle held her hand out to Grammy, helping her off the bed they had been sitting on. Liesle lead the way through the sunflower wallpaper covered hallway and into the kitchen, the white tile littered with a few stray crumbs.

“I’ll go get it Grammy,” Liesle said as she helped her grandmother sit down at the table. Moments later, she came back carrying two flower stenciled china tea cups.

“Oh!” Grammy exclaimed as the cup was placed in front of her. “This was my mother’s favorite tea cup. See the cornflower?”

The many petaled flower was painted perfectly onto the white teacup, its bright blue violet color putting a smile on Grammy’s soft pink lips.

“So, what happened after that?” Liesle asked, sipping tea from her own cup.

“After what?” Grammy said.

“After Jacob walked away with his sisters,” Liesle replied. “Did you see him protest again?”

Grammy chuckled. “Oh yes, he did that quite a lot. But that wasn’t the next time I saw him. I didn’t see him for a long time. I saw his sister.”

* * * *

I was heading to the grocery store after class one day, and was walking down a small ally, just following the usual route I did to the grocery store. I wasn’t scared of this ally, it wasn’t infested with rats, or tons of garbage, and barely anyone went through that ally. But farther down the cold stone path, voices were talking in the darkness.

“Leave me alone,” a small, feminine voice said softly.

“You're pretty, for a Jew,” a man snickered.

I paused. A Jewish girl, the man could either be a Nazi or just a pervert. I didn’t know which, but half of me wanted the pervert, me being afraid of the soldiers and of what they would tell my father. But the other half of me wanted tha Nazi soldier, me fearing my own safety. Either way, I was halfway down the ally, and the grocery store was just beyond that. I had to continue on my way.

I resumed walking, my shoes clacking. It was a wonder that the man didn’t run away, or at least ask who was there. He just kept harassing the girl.

“But you could pass for an Aryan…you have bright blue eyes like us.”

“What do you want with me?” the girl sobbed. “Please leave me alone.”

I was nearing the voices, and I could see two shadows, one pinned against the wall of the ally. The one against the wall was shorter and I assumed this was the girl. I could make out wavy brown hair and a skinny, frail figure. I looked to the other figure and could see clearly the tan of the Nazi uniform, and the bright red band around his arm bearing the Swastika.

“Please! Just let me go home!” The girl was crying now, hard. And I was the only one other than her tormentor who could hear her small cries.

“Hey!” I yelled suddenly. Both figures turned, their eyes meeting mine. I was closer now, and could see that the girl’s eyes were blue, and that she looked, vaguely familiar. I estimated her age to be about fifteen, her height and weight being around the same as my sister’s, her being a little shorter than me. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Excuse me miss,” the soldier said, leaning away from the girl. “I was just-”

“Harassing a girl?”

“She is a Jew miss…” the soldier mumbled. “Its our duty to cleanse the earth.”

“She isn’t a Jew. She has blue eyes, and, she is my cousin.” The lie was out of my mouth before I could comprehend what I should have said.

“I-” The soldier was dumbstruck. He looked at the girl, then at me, then back at the girl. “I’m, I’m sorry miss.”

“That’s quite alright, just don’t make the same mistake ever again.” I warned, sounding a lot like my mother.

“Yes miss.”

“Come along…Marie,” I said, picking a name out of the blue.

The girl glanced at me, probably wondering whether to trust me or not. But finally, she went around the young man, and came to me. I slowly held out my hand, and she took it, firmly.

We walked down the ally finally coming into the bright sunlight and the fresh June air. The girl was looking down, but I couldn’t tear my gaze away from her. Where had I seen her before?

“What’s your name?” I asked quietly, to make sure no one heard the odd question I asked directed to my “cousin.”

“Ashira,” she whispered.

“And how old are you?”

“Almost sixteen,” she said. We walked in silence for a few more moments, until we reached the grocery store. “Why did you stop him?” she asked me.

I was silent for a minute. Finally I sighed, “Because, you deserve the same respect. Even if you are different, you are still a young woman. He can’t treat you like that.”

“But you-”

“I am the daughter of a Nazi soldier, but that doesn’t make me heartless.” I cut her off. “My father isn’t heartless, and neither am I. He’s just doing his duty.”

Ashira looked down. “You don’t act like a Nazi.”

I laughed. “I’m not a Nazi. I’m a German. My father and mother are Nazi Germans.”

Ashira nodded and looked at me with those shining eyes. “Thank you for helping me.”

“It was nothing. Now, I guess you need to get home?”

“I would…but I was on my way to the grocery store and that man stopped me. He told me I couldn’t go into that store.”

“Do you need groceries?” I asked.

She nodded.

“I’ll buy something for you.”

“Here’s some money,” Ashira said, handing me a couple of Euros.

“Is this all you have?” I questioned. But I didn’t wait for an answer. “You know what? Keep it. I can buy a few things for you out my own pocket. But you have to come in with me, or else some more soldiers may come along.”

She followed me without hesitation and we walked into the grocery store. People gave us strange looks, actually, they gave the looks to Ashira more than me. But I firmly gripped her hand and lead her through the aisles, picking out simple things like loaves of bread, butter, lettuce, carrots, and soap.

I paid for everything, my things and Ashria’s.

“I’ll walk you home,” I said as we exited the store.

“N-no,” she stuttered.

“Don’t worry Ashira. I won’t tell my father. I swear it.”

She seemed to be thinking about it for a moment, and she finally nodded. We walked down the street and turned the corner, heading down a small road that I had never really noticed before.

“This is our apartment complex,” she said. “I live just upstairs.”

I nodded and handed her the rest of her goods and watched as she climbed the stairs. “Goodbye Ashira!” I called, soft enough for any passing soldiers to not notice.

“Goodbye…” she paused on the step. “What’s your name?”

“Katarinna,” I replied.

“Goodbye, and thank you, Katarinna.”
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Thu Jun 24, 2010 7:57 pm
Twit says...



Hai! :mrgreen:

I missed the second chapter, but I've read the first one, so I'm interested to see how the story's going...

So far I like it, although my point about the "nice Nazi" still remains. The main thing, though, about this chapter was that it had a very modern feel to it. Some things were blatant anachronisms, like here:

“Here’s some money,” Ashira said, handing me a couple of Euros.


and here:

“This is our apartment complex,” she said. “I live just upstairs.”


"Apartment complex" sounds far too modern American for 1930s Germany. And Germany wasn't using Euros at this time but instead they used the Reichsmark (RM). Is Ashira a Jewish name? It sounds more Indian to me, but I'm no expert. :)

Ashira seems a little flat right now. She unquestioningly accepts Katarinna's help and doesn't think that she might have an ulterior motive. Doesn't she wonder if Katarinna's just mocking her, setting her up for a humiliation by pretending to be friendly? I mean, they were terrible times for the Jews; they couldn't afford to trust everybody just because they said they weren't Nazis.

PM if you have any questions!
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Sun Jun 27, 2010 8:38 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hello! I haven't read the beginning of this, but I figured I'd give my two cents anyway.

First, spelling. A recurring spelling mistake was "ally." It should be "alley."

Also, past the appartnemt-complex thing TL noticed, you use the term "Euro." Euros weren't introduced into Europe until the 90s, if I remember correctly. I remember them being brought out, so that should tell you how recent they are. :P

I found the introduction to this chapter alright and it's kinda nice how you tie that in. However, turning it over in my head there's not as much suspense because you've chosen to set your story up this way. We know Jacob sleeps with her at one point, or he survives the war and marries her. If you don't mind this suspense being lost, then that's alright. But I can see that being the main driving force in your story, so it might be a good idea to figure out how to keep this structure without giving away the suspense, or cutting the structure. (I'd take this comment with a grain of salt, seeing as I haven't read the introduction. But the way you were talking about it in Chat finding out what happens in the end with Katarinna and Jacob was the main driving force.

I'd also work on the setting a bit more. It doesn't feel too accurate that Ashira wouldn't be questioned in the store, and I'm not sure what's going through Katarinna's head when she says that. What sort of morals would make her say that? Why does she not agree with her father? This could be in early chapters, but I think this sort of explanation needs to be throughout the story. Also, the historical accuracy. Spend a bit more time in research for that.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
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Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:00 pm
StellaThomas says...



Stella here, yo!

I. NITPICKS

Grammy just chuckled. “No one dared to argue with the Nazis, even if he was my father. That would only be worse.”


Remember that the Nazis is a very wide term- it incorporates all members of the party. Brownshirts might be more appropriate.
“Mom just made some, its still warm.”


it's.

I was heading to the grocery store after class one day, and was walking down a small ally,


Firstly, it's alley. And secondly, again, you're giving us very little information about her life.

A Jewish girl, the man could either be a Nazi or just a pervert.


Again, careful with the term "Nazi." A lot of people were Nazis, it didn't mean they believed the Nazi ideals.

“She isn’t a Jew. She has blue eyes, and, she is my cousin.”


"She has blue eyes." Weird. Why not say, "Can you not see her eyes?" or something?

“Here’s some money,” Ashira said, handing me a couple of Euros.


The Europe-wide currency known as the euro was introduced by the EU, which was introduced in the year 2001. This is... 1936? 1938? The EU itself wasn't even thought of until the 1950s (otherwise Germany wouldn't have had so many wars).

They use the Deutschmark, I'm pretty sure. In any case, it ain't the euro, love ;). (Someone else said it was the Reichsmark? I'm not 100% sure).

Alright.

II. ACCURACY

To be honest, your history here is all over the place. Bear in mind it probably won't seem that way to everybody, it's just I'm doing this as a module for my History Leaving Cert and I'm pretty clued in about all things German in the inter-war period. Russian too. If you need any help with that kind of thing, honestly, you can ask me, and I'll give you a hand. Other than that, I just advise you to get reading! The Book Thief is always a good place to start, and The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas would be next on my list if you want a Holocaust book. Try and get some biographies and history books from the library. In My Hands is set in Poland, but it's a really interesting account of a woman who hid twelve Jews in a Nazi officer's basement. There are millions of books set around this period, so get going!

III. OVERALL

It's alright, but you need to work on your characterisation. I'm getting no feeling for her whatsoever. And take in what I said about accuracy!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  








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