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Taint of Red (Working Title) Chapter 2



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Sun Jun 20, 2010 9:23 pm
Forestqueen808 says...



I tapped my pencil against the desk. I slowly scribbled in answers to my test, only to erase them again. I had studied, but I hadn’t been concentrating. I had been thinking of Jacob.

Don’t ask me why, but I just couldn’t get him off my mind. I wrote more letters and numbers, but suddenly, they were all mushing together. I had never been a great test taker, but that day seemed horribly bad.

I slowly scribbled in my last few answers and turned in the test. I picked up my bag and headed out the door. A light rain was slowly falling on the street, and I had forgotten a hat.

My hair was drenched by the time I took shelter in a café. I sighed and ran my fingers through my blond locks. I stared out the window, not feeling particularly hungry at the moment.

And there he was. Jacob was walking down the street, his dark hair now seemed longer due to the moisture. But I could tell it was him just the same. My heart jumped slightly at the sight of him, only slightly though.

Before I knew it, my feet were on the wet pavement, Jacob in front of me. “Jacob!” I said and he slowly turned, meeting my gaze.

“Hello Katarinna.” He smiled. “What are you doing out in the rain?”

“Well, I just got back from taking an exam,” I said proudly.

“Oh.” Jacob looked down at his feet. “How was it?”

“I don’t think I did all that well. It was hard to study last night and we didn’t have any time to study before the test…” I paused. A dark shadow had come over Jacob’s face. That was when I realized it. I hadn’t been thinking. Jews weren’t allowed to go to school anymore. And here I was, rambling on about the test.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“For what?” Jacob asked.

“I’m sorry that you can’t go to the university.” We stood in silence for a few moments, a penetrating silence broken only by the soft thud of the rain.

“Its fine,” he replied. “It’s not your fault.” Silence stood between us again, at least until he asked me, “Do you want to take a walk?”

I almost said yes, but a poor excuse came from my mouth instead. “Its raining, not very good weather for a walk.”

“But you’re already walking in it.”

“Um…well,” I couldn’t think of an excuse. But I didn’t want to be seen walking with a Jew. I shouldn’t even be talking to him! I thought.

“Oh, I see. You don’t want to be walking with a Jew.” He seemed to have read my mind.

I looked down at my black shoes. I wouldn’t lie, but I couldn’t bear to tell the truth, at least not with words.

“I understand,” he said. “You’re the daughter of a Nazi Solider, a pure Aryan. Goodbye Katarinna.”

“Bye…Jacob.” His name came out as a whisper, but I knew as soon as it fell from my lips, that he hadn’t heard it.

I waited a few moments until Jacob had rounded the corner, and then I continued on my way home.

I climbed the stairs up to my apartment and quickly unlocked the door with my key. I set my bag down on the small table and sat down in one of the chairs. A small sigh escaped my lips as I laid my head on my arms.

I was befriending a Jew, and I was Katarinna Dresner, daughter of Abigail and Nazi Solider Egon Dresner, pure Aryans. I had become the last thing I wanted to be in my father’s eyes: A Jew lover.

They were filth in our perfect world. They polluted it, poisoned it. We were superior to them, we were pure, perfect.

But Jacob didn’t seem like that…he smiled. He was kind, and he had emotions. He felt sorrow, he showed joy in his smile and in his dark eyes. He wasn’t a monster. A monster feels no pain, no love, no joy. How could Jacob Gottlieb be a monster?

^ ^ ^ ^

I didn’t see Jacob again until two weeks after my exam. I was walking home from my parent’s home on a bright, sunny Sunday. But as I passed Jacob’s shut down store, I saw him. But he wasn’t alone. Two girls were on either side of him, and a crowd surrounded him. The people in the crowd were all Jewish, that much I could tell. The two girls on either side of Jacob had his same fair complexion and slightly curly dark hair. They clearly had to be Jacob’s sisters. The only difference was that one of them had…blue eyes.

“We are getting treated like dirt!” Jacob yelled into the crowd. “We are just as much citizens of Germany as those Nazis, are we going to let them treat us like garbage?” A chorus of “no’s” rang through the crowd.

Then one of the girl’s spoke. “We deserve an education!”

The one with blue eyes interrupted. “We deserve to be able to make a living!”

Jacob scanned through the crowd, but I felt heat rush to my face as his eyes rested on me. I turned away and began walking home, only to be shoved aside. “Excuse me miss,” a man said. I glimpsed his uniform before I began continuing on my way. More soldiers were coming down the lane by the minute.

I looked back to where Jacob stood on his soapbox and felt a small gasp rise from my chest as a soldier shoved him to the concrete. Two other soldiers held the two girls who had been with Jacob. They struggled and the crowd slowly scattered, making the beating of the Jew clearly visible to me.

The girls were screaming and kicking their legs, but the soldiers held them tight, and I recognized one of the soldiers. I recognized him as my father. I heard cries of pain come from Jacob’s lips as he was kicked and beaten. Soldiers ripped off his shirt, kicking him hard on his abdomen.

“Jacob!” one of his sister’s cried, the one with blue eyes. She kicked the soldier who was holding her hard in the groin, making him loosen his grip just enough so she could wiggle out of his grasp.

But as soon as she rushed over to her brother, my father grabbed her, still holding firmly onto her sister.

“He’s had enough,” one of the soldiers grunted. “Let them go.”

My father let go of the girls, and then cast a look at their arms wrapped around their brother. Their beaten, bruised, brother. “Let’s go,” my father said. As him and his men started down the street, my father’s eyes trailed over to me.

“Go home Katarinna,” he said firmly. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“But fath-”

“I told you to go home,” he said, slowly continuing on his way.

The soldiers turned the corner and dissapeared from sight. I turned back towards the shut-down store. Jacob’s arms were around his sister’s and they were helping him walk.

“Jacob!” I called, but he didn’t seem to hear me. I called his name louder, and jogged to catch up. “Jacob!” I yelled, urgently.

This time, he stopped. His face slowly turned towards me. A yellow bruise covered his cheek and his left eye, red marks and bruises lined his abdomen. His hair was sweaty and messy, and his eyes didn’t shine like they had before.

“Jacob, wait…” I said softly. But he didn’t wait. He just kept on walking, leaving me standing alone.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





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Mon Jun 21, 2010 3:34 pm
LookUpThere says...



This story has potential, but you're still missing it. Don't be afraid of breaking 'realism'. A few points you need to address,

:arrow: Katarrina needs a shorter name
:arrow: Katarrina needs to be more 3D, I still don't know her feelings. She says dirty Jews the same way children know they should be quiet in a classroom, she knows it but I don't know what she thinks of it. We all know what the Germans SAID but let's see what the average German FELT! Get it?
:arrow: Jacob's blue eyed sister. Is she a Nazi in Jew clothing? I think that would be awesome.
:arrow: Your chapter endings. Why should I continue reading? No one died, was arrested. Jacob didn't even voice his thoughts of Katarrina. A good rule of thumb is that everything you do should advance the story. Where's the suspense. Instead of having us learn about Katarrina in her thoughts, let's learn about her through her actions. Suggestion; if Jacob's blue eyed sister is a Nazi in disguise or something, let Katarrina notice this and then notice it is a friend of hers. Introduce the friend before so the chapter length can be extended and we can have dialogue between two Aryans about the Jews and Jacob. Then, when Katarrina learns about this we can see how she'll react in the next chapter!
:arrow: Katarinna's dad. Go home sounds as if she lives with them. She is an adult now right?

Anyway, this was well written. Go through this and spice it up with word choice, brevity and figures of speech. And write on.

This has been a R(elay) and E(xplanation) of my VIEW of this story :D (That's gonna be YWS Jargon Gold in a bit, you just wait.)

Well done,
Write On,
TheNewHero.
  





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Sun Jun 27, 2010 10:22 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hello again! I've reviewed these chapters out of order it seems. Sorry about that.

Your beginning felt a bit robotic to me, when it came to sentence structure. Katarinna's actions were listed. You get better the more the chapter goes on, but at the beginning it feels stiff.

And I'm still not getting a good idea on her motives or her character. And I have to say I cringed slightly when I saw that one of Jacob's sisters had blue eyes. The way chapter 3 was written, and how Katarinna wondered where she'd seen that girl before, I found myself condemning her for being so silly as to forget that. Right now, her introduction is set in a memorable event. You have already established Katarinna's memory isn't the best, but the fact you dangle "I knew who it was, I just didn't know where" for so long in chapter 3 it just seems really drawn out.

I also didn't like how quickly the connection was formed between Jacob and his sisters; your use of "clearly" made me wonder what, exactly, made her so definitive. This is an assumption the MC makes. Treat it like an assumption, instead of telling us that the MC has just made a completely accurate guess. "Clearly" and "obviously" both sound like the MC is stuck up because of how definitive they sound, when the MC really shouldn't know. It makes the readers feel like they're being talked down to, instead of having them nod along and think, "yeah, those characters probably are related."

Hope this helped! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Wed Jun 30, 2010 5:39 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

A light rain was slowly falling on the street, and I had forgotten a hat.


She doesn't sound like a good Thirties girl.

“Hello Katarinna.” He smiled. “What are you doing out in the rain?”


Just a question on spelling- I've never seen it like this before, especially not in a German situation. Catharina and Katharina I've both seen, and Katarina would be acceptable, but Katarinna really doesn't seem very naturally 1930s Germany. Maybe I'm wrong, but it does seem like a 21st century girl taking a name and trying to make in original.

“I’m sorry that you can’t go to the university.” We stood in silence for a few moments, a penetrating silence broken only by the soft thud of the rain.


This is another question- and she can? In a Kinder Kuche Kirche sense? I thought women were discouraged in fascist Germany- in Italy they took feminine courses, but in Germany they weren't supposed to at all. Maybe I'm mixed up. But still. She seems very independent, living by herself, going to university...

Nazi Solider Egon Dresner, pure Aryans.


Again with the Nazi Soldier stuff. It's weird.

They were filth in our perfect world.


Perfect world?

The only difference was that one of them had…blue eyes.


Um. That's weird, okay, we get it, but don't present it like that.

Then one of the girl’s spoke.


girls.

Alright.

II. ACCURACY

For stirring up a crowd, do you really think all he would get is a beating? Honestly? Brownshirts would kick Jews on the street for no apparent reason, beat them for looking at them funnily. They had a lot of anger to vent. But actually doing something like this? Do you think he would get away with it?

Other than that, I still want to know about her life. She lives alone which is unusual, and she goes to university. How, why, what's she studying? She forgets a hat- how likely is that? I know I said not to pay too much attention to the history, but rather than details, it's the world you've created that I'm questioning. It's strange.

III. CHARACTERS

Mainly Katarinna herself. She doesn't know where she's at, so neither do we. She has no idea what to think of people- which seems unlikely. Hitler has been in power for what, five years at this point. And she still hasn't formulated an opinion of his ideology? Is that particularly likely? As well as that- look at her as a person. She's in university, apparently, but she has no friends to walk her home or talk to or to even mention. Which seems weird. So far the only people in her life are her family and Jacob. Is there not already a nice Aryan boy she's got her eye on? Does she have silly girl friends? It's all very vague. Stop treating her like a tool, start seeing her as a person.

IV. OVERALL

It's alright, and interesting enough, but take in what I've said.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  








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