Young Writers Society

July 20, 1943

Breakfast was the same bland porridge and milk. Though, Mrs. Johansson promised we would have brown sugar by the end of the week. Something to look forward to, I suppose.

Eve was sitting with the Twins. The three of them were rough housing as usual; their snickers and giggles took over the mild chatter. They seemed like quite a motley crew, if you were to ask me. As I glanced over, Eve rose to her feet and walked to my side. “Good morning. I was wondering, you have any plans for this afternoon?” I shrugged and gulped down another spoonful of the watery sludge. “If you’re free, stop by the back porch after chores.” She lent me a smile then returned to her boys, who were giving me dark looks. Jealous?

I shifted my eyes to the front table, where the staff ate their meals. Mrs. Johansson and Dr. Engel were sitting in the center, where they had a clear view of the children. Dr. Engel was talking to the Head Mistress while cramming the occasional piece of bacon in, mid word. Mrs. Johansson was staring intently at my table; I felt it was safe to bet that she was staring at Eve. Everyone knew that Mrs. Johansson’s patience was wearing thin with the girl.

I forced down my glass of milk before heading off to complete my chores. Eve smirked at me as I exited. Odd girl.

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I am not sure what motivated me to go to the back porch. It had been abandoned for years and everyone avoided it. Over grown plants surrounded it and the wood was rotted and slimy from mould or from God knows what else. Perhaps it was the rumors? I don’t think so. Most of them were started by the Twins, which meant they were guaranteed to be false. Even so, they helped create her image. Perhaps one she didn’t want to begin with.

When I arrived, she was already sitting crossed legged on the left side. The wood that surrounded her seemed to resemble it’s former self, that is if you ignored the splinters and water spots.

“You know how to play War?” She asked, I noticed the cards being tousled and mixed in her hands. I gave a nod, lowering myself to the rough wood. “Great. We will be playing the quieter version, I’m guessing?” Apparently. “Not as much fun, but …” She dealt the cards quickly between us.

“Your name is Jeremy, correct?” She collected the cards into a need pile, and then let it rest in her palm. I gave another nod while tossing down a card. She beat it. “Well, Jeremy, you never answered my question; why are you here?” I shrugged the words off as she beat my card once more. “Or, is the more important question; how do I make you speak?” She gave me a false smile. She beat my card for the third time.

We sat in silence, just tossing down our cards and retrieving them when we won the battle. It had been a while since I last sat outside; the sun was bright and made it through the trees that surround the back of the deck. I leaned forward as I started to take the lead. I must have held most of the deck. Then war broke out, and then once more, the cards were leaving my hand quicker than I thought possible. “Ugh. Darn.” I muttered as she won the last face off.

She stared at me, eyebrows raised. “What was that? Don’t think I heard you.” She cuffed her ear with her hand and was clearly battling the urge to laugh. I sighed and got to my feet. “Same time tomorrow?” She questioned, her eyes shining with an innocence I wouldn’t have thought possible. I nodded, and then headed back into the house to attend my appointment with the good Doctor Engel.

I am convinced the man loves to hear himself talk. I haven’t responded to a single question from him and yet he is able to ramble on about what I am going through and how my ‘previous arrangements’ affected me. At least I only have to put up with him once a week. Some of the others see him daily, or close to it. Poor fools.

Really good chapter .. I was really suprised when jeremy spoke .. lol even though it was a little . Keep on writing . (Sorry for the very very very small review )

Ahoy!

Once again, this is a great chapter for introducing and building up these character’s personalities. I really do like Eve, she seems like the sort of character who is just fascinating and fun to watch (or read, whatever XD). It’s hard to guess what she’ll do next, and her dialogue is really great—it’s cutting and insightful, and it adds both humor and interest to the story. She seems to clash a lot with societal norms and polite behavior, and I’m wondering if this might have something to do with how she ended up in the asylum.

I also still really like Jeremy’s narration—all that cynicism about the house and its inhabitants makes me curious about him and his situation. I think you do a really good job of giving us a picture of his personality right from the start, without being too obvious about it.

However, I really don’t think he would speak so easily. To get to the point where he can be sent to an asylum over it, Jeremy must have spent years cultivating this impression of being mute—he has to have trained himself not to talk pretty well. That must have been either one really severe psychological trauma or some pretty stubborn dedication—I can’t imagine that someone like that would break their silence just because they were losing a card game, at least not until Eve has gained his trust to a much larger extent. You’re the expert on Jeremy’s character, though, not me, so feel free to take that with a grain of salt.

Just one quick typo to check:

The wood that surrounded her seemed to resemble it’s former self, that is if you ignored the splinters and water spots.

Oops, wrong “its.”

Otherwise, this was another good chapter, and I think your characters are developing very well! I’m very curious to know how their interactions are going to affect them and those around them, and to find out more about them both, so I’ll be glad to come back for chapter three! (That is, if you want me too. XD) Until then! ^_^

Another fantastic chapter. I'm really liking the short, punchy dialogue. The whole thing is punchy and pithy in general, actually, you're not wasting any words here, but I'm still having no trouble following the plot, which is fantastic. It did seem a little under-done when he spoke, however. I got the impression he had created the muteness himself, and it seemed a little bit of a let down that he spoke so early in the story...

I enjoyed this one very much. I liked how you focused on the growing friendship of Eve and Jeremy within this chapter. I found a few spelling mistakes but besides that, everything was grammatically sound! I am eager to see how you play things out with their friendship in later chapters. I was surprised that Jeremy talked to early in the story. Anyway, great job. Hope to read the next soon.