Young Writers Society

Freedom was something I hadn’t experienced much and I took advantage of the little I had of it. A string of thick ivy was only a few inches away from my hands and I grasped the twine firmly. My world that I had lived in for a stretched nearly thirteen years was being torn and slashed away at, yet I felt eager towards the future. As I neared the last string of ivy a single word arose piercingly from the sitting room- a word only too familiar-
“CHARLOTTE!” yelled Mistress Elizabeth once more as the door leading to the balcony was thrust open so strongly I was sure a window must be cracked. Before I had much time to think, I could feel my fingers loosen their grip and I freed the ivy from my hands as I jumped into the soggy grass below.
The awful dewy scent from last night’s drizzle filled my nostrils as I laid still; the feeling in my body had deserted me. My heart pulsed wildly but the beat softened as I realized that nothing would change what was going to happen: Mistress Elizabeth’s long nose pointing downward, her beady eyes burning with fury and lips thin, yells soon to follow. Yet, none of these things came about!
“Mistress, would you not lose your temper so? Mr. Dale and his wife are in slumber, yet you don’t mind making such a racket?” said Butler, a person of little importance in this story and his name I forget anyway.
“It’s the little miss! Charlotte is missing and I heard something when I was pouring tea in the sitting room-”
“You heard something? Elizabeth, go pour more tea before someone wakes up-”
“You don’t care for the little miss? Charlotte could be in menace! How could you live with knowing something could be happening to her!” interrupted Mistress Elizabeth.
“I said, go pour more tea,” repeated Butler.
Note this whole conversation was being heard from about a dozen feet off into the grass. I assumed some of the words, so to speak. Yet, I got the gist of it. The gist simply was, I was awfully fortunate.
The two hurried inside and so my breath steadied and I waited for a miracle to happen. Soon, I could feel my long fingers grasp the pieces of grass loosely and I lingered for a moment; enjoying the wind fumble with my golden locks, then the ribbons binding my hair fell into the soil and the thick mane is free. I am free.
I was too wholly to be considered dead, but still a long, long journey away from being thought alive, but that occurs later. Any who, I still felt lively and content while my world burned away, ashes I hoped did not linger. I brushed the dirt off my bloomers. A new hymn was being sung these days and my ears only yearned for more.

Hey Winie!

First of all, sorry for not getting to this piece sooner!

Now... let's get to the critique, shall we?

I really want to see some action in the beginning! You started off with describing how pretty the day was and having someone take off her slippers, but I would rather have the last part for the very beginning, if only because it's very gripping! So instead of a la-di-da the sun is shining sort of beginning, you would have a, "Quick! She's escaping!" beginning. And that's pretty awesome.

Anyway, you've probably revised it substantially by now (it has been a week!) so PM me if you post anything new. I'll be happy to review it for you.

I enjoyed this piece very much. The plot that you have created is intriguing. I like how you had an aura of mystery as to what was going to happen. It urged me to read on. Great job there. I feel that you could have broadened the depth of how you describe your main character. The supporting characters were well thought out and I could see them perfectly. Good job. I hope to read more.

Hey Winie603,

Let me first day I liked it. it had a mystery to it that had me intrigued.
I was a little confused on what time of day it was, and what time period this story was taking place. I though deep south, civil war era but it could just be me I was reading Gone with the Wind . also I wanted to know more about who Charlotte is, the kind of person she is inside. I know the story is from her point of view but I was left feeling not really attached to her, but it was also only the first bit.
but let me say this, I liked it! I really want to know what happens next. She's escaping but from what? or from who? I want to find out!
good job.

"D*** the torpedoes! Four bells! Full speed ahead!"~ Admiral David Farragut

Hi winnie, I liked your piece but it was hard to know what was going on. Maybe you should read it again and again as a reader and not as a writer then you would be able to come across more mistakes.

Freedom was something I hadn’t experienced many times much and I took advantage of the little I had of it.

My world that I had lived in for a stretched fifteen years was being torn and slashed away at, yet I felt eager towards the future

The first part of the sentence seems a bit awkwardly framed. try to reframe it!

As I neared the last string of ivy, a single word arose piercingly from the sitting room- a word only too familiar-

Before I had much time to think, I could feel my fingers loosen their grip and I freed the ivy from my hands as I jumped into the soggy grass below.

A new hymn was being sung these days and my ears only yearned for more.

beautiful Line!!!!!

Okay so there were may weird sentences but at the same time I found many lovely sentences. You can describe things very well, Winne at just 12. You have a great future ahead if you continue writing!

I have a question, is this about a slave escaping? If so, I would choose a different plot. Slavery is the most used subject of books. That and vampires. If it is about a slave (I'm not sure if it is or not), then I would work on making it more historically accurate. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but slaves probably didn't have hair ribbons, they probably wouldn't have a name as "fancy" as Charlotte, and they wouldn't refer to their owners as "Mistress." Unless it was a house slave because those tend to be more educated. If this story has nothing to do with slavery, then please do excuse me.

My story didn't have to do with slavery. It's okay! Today I learned I should avoid writing about slavery!(I hate overused topics (like vampires).

winie