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Young Writers Society


The Inquisition of Trusts- Chapter One (First Submission)



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Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:11 am
dudek1794 says...



“BEEEEEEEEEP” It’s finally over! The first day of freshmen year complete without school bullies, eating lunch alone, and no upper classmen even noticed me! I have my class schedule but with my best friend Harley Abrahms in all my classes there is no need to memorize it. My schedule is a typical 9th grader schedule with English, Math, Bio, and Social Studies. With the additional classes Chorus, Info Tech, Gym and Learning Support, there is no room for study halls this year. No, I don’t like being in the “retard class” but what can you do?

Walking down to bus 44 to officially get my first day of high school over I hear someone scream “SAMI!” I turn my head around quickly and but of course it’s Maria Rosenthal, she lives up two streets from me, Asian, skinny, confident, basically everything I’m not. I stop to give her a hug and as we walked thorugh the bumpy glass patches to get to the bus we rambunctiously talk about our first amazing day of high school. “I have a study hall first period and the hottest senior in it…” she said. She continued, “When are your study halls?” But before I could open my mouth and answer she started up again about her day. She said all her classes were spectacular but her favorite was Ms. Murrie’s math class, that we so happen to have together, but with the look and grin she gave me I could tell that one study hall is her all time best class.

On the bus Maria and I sat together, but with both our iPods on there will be no more discussion on the first day of school. As I sit in silence listening to music I look out the window and mentally list all the teachers that I like and all the classes that may seem hard. Ms. Murrie is the worst math teacher ever (I could tell how she presented herself with stumbling over her words and not getting to her thoughts reached across to us without a twenty minute story to go with it) and the class itself is pretty bad. There are a lot of kids from my neighborhood in this class like Maria, Zach Olsen, Paker Widow, and Ashlee Rothmen. Of course the people I only talk to are Maria and Zach. Ashlee Rothmen gave me a pencil to use once and she wears the coolest sneakers everyday, but that’s pretty much all I know about Ashlee. The bus arrives to Maria’s stop; we get off and sluggishly walk to her house.

“Did you see that girls hair today?” I said to Maria in a louder tone so the by passing walkers can hear.
“The one with the…”
“YEAH! That was so...”

“I know! How did she even come up with that?” said Maria. Walking down The Firehouse Street I take notice of every person in a driving by car. I don’t know why I do that, just curious I guess. “You never told me about your day Sami, how did it go?” she said. “I guess you can say it was good, Harley is in every single one of my classes, so I guess homework wont be an issue this year” I said anxiously looking around. “You okay Sami? You seem to be looking around an awful lot today, lose something?” Maria said as her eyes took down to the cracked concrete scavenging for something that I may have lost. “No, just looking” I said quickly “Whatever you say Sam.” She said as she chuckled and opened the door to her house.

Soon enough we’re on the way to The Firehouse Street again just making our way through to get to our park. It’s a fair enough day out to wear shorts and a sweatshirt and with the sun shining down so heavily I took out my sun glasses I recently gotten at the shore. “How’s everything going Sami, you seem out of it today” she said with a smirk on her face that she gives only when she knows something’s up. “UGH, nothing just thinking about Nicky again” I said and my head lowered to try to avoid that disappointing look Maria gives every time I mention him. “You should just let him be an asshole to some other girl” She said.

“I know but where’s the fun in that?” I said jokingly
“Nicky is never going to change. I hope you know that”
“Yeah I know, girl!” I said trying to play off so it doesn’t seem that I care too much. Our conversation picks up and I found ourselves walking a little bit further down to the stream.

5:45pm comes around and my Mom picks me up at Maria’s house so I go home and start my homework. By now it’s dark out and with September about to pass it’s also a little chilly at night.

My house is a normal three-person house; we rent it from one of my friends Derik and his family. My parents don’t get along very well, they actually have separate rooms. My Dad’s room is down stairs, his door is always shut and I usually have feelings that he’s not only smoking cigarettes back there. My Mom is up stairs next to my room, her and the dog usually bunk together.

“How was school today Sweetie,” she said as she opened up the fridge.
“Fine,” I said trying to avoid at all costs answering her question with vigorous detail.

“Just fine? For some reason I think your day was a tad bit more exciting then that,” she said with one eyebrow raised.
“Well, Maria is on two of my classes this year, Chorus and Math. I also have Harley in ALL my classes.” I stopped myself before I said something she could ask another question on. “Well that’s good you will always have a buddy so those upper classmen won’t see you as defenseless. I took my plate upstairs and rolled my eyes as I walked up the steps. I guess even a thirty-five year-old mother doesn’t understand what real high schools all about.

“DING DING! DING DING!” My phone is ringing like World War III just set off. I look at my phone and it’s 6:00 o’clock in the morning sharp. I hop out of bed put some leggings on with a baggy shirt; fix my hair that I have previously straightened the night before. I grab my phone off my bedside and I start texting Maria to tell her my mom will be dropping me off at her house, so that we can walk to the bus stop together. She was wearing a stylish shirt with ripped jeans, one thing Maria had was style.

Maria and I get off the bus to meet the rest of the girls. As we were walking through the dreary halls of BucksTon High School I look at all the fake girls and guys around me, but for some reason I really enjoy being apart of it. Crossing by a group of “plastic” senior girls whose head is bigger then the doorway I hear them snicker and laugh at my Wednesday-it’s raining outfit I put together in three minutes before the bus came. We meet up in the lobby with Melisa Haverton and Lily Motley. The morning starts out with the outer gossip of our circle. “He’s SO amazing we met over summer and I think we really hit it off!” said Melisa. She points to a boy short for his age but not too small, big muscles and with the more popular group of the 10th grade. We all looked at Melisa and begged for more details. I guarantee that the entire passing by people would think she met Brittany Spears or something. As Melisa goes on telling us more and more about her summer romances I couldn’t help my self-but to catch a glimpse of my older cousin Sander. He’s a senior this year and won’t have much to do with me in school. “Hey Sander!” I said looking over at him and his upper classmen group around him. He gave me a friendly head nod and turned his head to continue his conversation with his friends.
“SAMI! Sami?” said Maria

“Hey, sorry! I was just looking over there at those losers!” I said trying to play it off cool. I turn my head to across the lobby and point at a small group of boys and girls in 9th grade as well. “They are jumping around like animals. What are they 8th graders?!” she said with that snobby obnoxious voice I always dread to hear. Maria and I walk slowly through the jungle of people to get to our first class of the day. Maria goes on about how she wished she spent more time with Melisa and told me more stories on Melisa’s summer as if she was there.

“BEEEEEEEP” As the class bell rang I sat down in math class as Ms. Murrie takes attendance. “Zach! Parker! Sami! Harley!” she said in an annoying overtone. She starts the class with checking the homework. Zach and Parker obviously don’t have their homework and today I actually have mine. The class as an overall was quiet and you could hear Ms. Murrie’s pen swish as she checks off who has the homework or not. I look up at the clock and then down and my desk.

“SAMI!” said Harley in annoyed “I should be sleeping not her voice”. “Class is over,” she continued. I looked up and half the class was gone. I thought to myself “This is going to be one long year.” As I left the room I couldn’t help but to catch Ms. Murrie’s face towards me. I whispered to Harley “Do you think she knew I was sleeping?” Harleys face said it all, Ms. Murrie officially hates me.

Harley and I make it to the rest of my morning classes. English and Info Tech are easy. English the teacher reads us books and Info Tech is a class you do nothing except listen to a 90 year-old lady talk about how to create a word document.

“BEEEEEEEP” This time I thought the bell would never ring and dismiss Mrs. V’s English class to lunch. Harley and I rushed down to the cafeteria to get our friends seats so we can all sit together. Maria and Melisa were continuing their morning conversation probably because they haven’t seen each other since then. “Mel, tell us more about Dave! And don’t skip any of the juicy things!” said Tara Dilancey with great curiosity. Maria and I made eyes at each other for a brief second, until Mel told us more about her summer fling. “He was good.” Said Mel swiftly and slid her chair around so it wasn’t like we were in gossip hour. I couldn’t figure out why Mel wouldn’t say anything all of a sudden. I glanced up for a moment and Dave and his friends were standing about 7 feet away from us. I checked back over at Mel and realized she was quiet. I looked back over at Tara and the other girls who all swiftly followed Mel’s motion on a quiet lunch. Soon enough the bell rang and dismissed us all to our next class. Maria and I had chorus next and we decided it would be appropriate to arrive late since Mr. Bike was always late himself.

The class stood up and started singing from a sheet of music, but I couldn’t help my mind from wondering why Mel was so conscious on what Dave heard her talking about. Maybe it was cause it didn’t really happen, or it could be that he told her to not tell anyone. Whatever it was, trying to figure it out took up fifty-five minutes of my school time.

Soon enough the last bell rang and the whole school let out to the bus circle. I meet Maria at the corner of the building so we could walk down to bus 44 together. I see Maria basically sprinting towards me with the biggest smile on her face.

“Sami, guess what were doing Friday night?!”
“Um, having a sleep over?” I said with a puzzled look upon my face.
“Well yeah! But Leigh’s parents are going away and their leaving her a key!”
“What are you getting at Maria?” I said with another confused look.

“Were going have our first real high school party at Leigh’s. Were going to get alcohol and have our first co-ed sleep over!” The look upon my face wasn’t a face Maria was expecting. I felt like I knew this situation was coming up, but what I didn’t know was that our first drinking party was going to be thrown by us at our best friends house. “HEY, were about to miss our bus Maria hurry!” I said trying to change the subject before she can tell me anymore “good news.”

Maria picks back up on our weekend on the bus. Maria spoke with such calmness, “You didn’t seem so thrilled about the party. You don’t have to go if you don’t want, but I would rather if you were there with me.”
“I want to go,” I replied. “Trust me I can’t wait to party with all my friends,” I continued.

“Good! It’s going to be the best freshmen experience we could have together…” She said eagerly. On the bus ride home I get a text message from Nicky saying “Hey”. I love hearing from him but at the same time I know how frustrating he can be and how insincere he is. Foolish me I reply quickly, as if I was waiting for him to text me in the first place. We have an awkward feeling for each other after last summer’s fight between us. As our conversation ends I arrive at my stop. “Not coming to my house today?” Asked Maria in a disappointed tone. “Nah, I think I’m going to head home and start my homework early tonight.

Walking home from the bus stop was a good way to gather my thoughts on what’s going to happen Friday after school. First was to make up a plan that I was sleeping at Harley’s house. I am generally a good liar but on this topic I guess we will have to see if my skills carry through. Taking a right turn down my street I take my final breaths until I turn into my house.

“Hi mom.” I said chokingly.
“Hi honey!” she said with a confused but pleased look on her face. She makes it around the table to give me a hug and a kiss.
“How was school?” She continued.
“It was good,” I said looking down at the dog. I quickly added “Harley invited me and Maria over for a weekend sleepover and I was wondering if it was okay with you if I went.” “It’s fine…” She answered. And before she could say any more I rushed up stairs and jumped into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I took heavy breaths and realized what just happened. I tried to replay the conversation back thought my head but I keep getting stuck at the park when I said “Harley’s house”. I looked into the mirror and asked myself what have I done.
  





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532 Reviews



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Points: 27927
Reviews: 532
Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:45 am
ArcticMonkey says...



Hey DUDEK 1794!
Welcome to YWS!
Ok, firstly, why is this in Historical Fiction? Is there something in the next chapters that makes it Historical Fiction?
Anyway, let me start my review,
I liked the general idea of it, I can definately tell this would be a read for teenages. (Speaking of, could you rate this a 12?) Your description is quite good aswell, it's not just dialogue after dialogue after diaglogue.

I think you need to remember things like a new paragraph for when a new person starts talking. Because you seemed to do that quite alot!

If there is a number you can't just write 77 you'll have to write seventy-seven. With time, I'm not really sure what you're supposed to write, but I'll try and find out, ok?

Your tenses are quite messed up in some places, you neeed to choose whether you're doing this in past tense or present tense. Don't worry, you can fix it up later.

I'm truly sorry if I seem harsh at the momment, but it's nothing with you're writing skill, just basic rules that you neeed to remember.

I think the story needs a little revising, and other than that it's great! Truly great!
7/10
PM me when you get the next chapter up and I'll read it.

Keep writing!
~Tamara
x
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.
  





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Points: 42428
Reviews: 411
Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:58 pm
BenFranks says...



Just a few suggestions, I'll give feedback later :)

a) You're more likely to get reviews if you remove the poll, people will comment on style and writing as part of their reviews.

b) If you're going to post this chapter-by-chapter, it may be best to post it in the "Novel" sub forum for Historical fiction, because this forum is generally only for short stories.

Hope this helps you get more reviews,
Ben
  





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Points: 60568
Reviews: 537
Fri Apr 16, 2010 8:23 pm
Evi says...



Moved from Short Stories to the Historical Fiction Novel sub-forum!
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
  








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