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Out of Harms Way chapter 2



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Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:24 am
belair94 says...



I pulled into the student parking lot of John Tasian High school just as the late bell rang, I had to sprint to my first class, Biology.
“Your late Mr. Talbot” said Mrs. Saber “I’ll see you after school.”
“Oh come on Mrs. Saber could you give me a break, I have work right after school and”
“You should have thought of that before you were late to my class now take your seat.”
Her beady eyes stared at me from behind thick coke bottle glasses perched on the bridge of her fat nose as I walked to my seat. She waddled around the front of the room for the rest of the period talking about cell theory and I pretended to take notes.
When the bell finally rang I got out of there as fast as I could, Mrs. Saber watched me closely sneering as I left, I heard her say
“Don’t be late”
I trudged down the narrow tiled hallway to my locker, yanked out a couple of books and checked the little paper schedule I kept taped to the door.
“So unfair” I muttered
“Ya” said a soft voice behind me “really unfair”
I jumped and spun around, in front of me stood a cute little blonde girl, Alice Jenson. She had never talked to me before, her dark blue eyes stared back at me waiting for my response.
“she gave me a detention too, before school started, she said she smelled smoke on me and that I must have been smoking in the bathroom”
“She can’t do that” I said
“I know that’s what I told her but apparently she can”
“No she can’t” I repeated “whatever, I guess she’s just lonely after what happened to the guy she had”
“what happened to him?”she said curiously
“He picked the lock on his cage and escaped”
She laughed a little and turned to walk away.
“See you after school” she said
“Ya, see ya later”
The rest of the day went by without a hitch, there wasn’t a lot of homework since most of the teachers were wrapping up their lessons and didn’t want to correct anything else. I considered not going to Sabers detention, and really there was nothing she could do to stop me. But grades hadn’t closed yet, senior year I didn’t want to have anyone with the power to fail me angry.

“Ah Mr. Talbot so glad you could join myself and Mrs. Jenson this afternoon” She said from behind her desk
I took a seat next to Alice and got ready for a half hour of silence and boredom, however this time I had something to look at. Mrs. Saber watched the two of us for a few minutes in silence then finally pulled a magazine from the bottom drawer of her desk and started to thumb threw it. I pulled out my notebook and pretended to do some homework, I was actually writing Alice notes, she did the same and we started up a conversation.
“This sucks” I wrote in the margin
“Ya, what do we do?” she wrote back
“This”
“When do we get out of here?”
“When she says”
“What are you doing after this?”
“Work, but I get off at 5”
“You going to the dance tonight?”
“No”
“Why it’s the end of the year dance, seniors only”
“I cant dance”
“Of coarse you can, everyone can dance”
“I don’t have the money”
“Its only 5 bucks to get in”
“3 months salary”
She giggled and Mrs. Saber looked up from her magazine.
“Is there a problem Mrs. Jenson”
“Uh, no there’s no problem” she stammered
“Good” she said looking at the clock “Well, I guess you two have been here long enough, you can go now.”
We got up almost simultaneously and strolled out the door, it was about 3:30, I was late for work and decided it wasn’t worth going in it was only 3 hours in the beginning now I was down to less than an 2. I would just go hang out at Jakes, or go down to motor city and talk to Richy for a little while then go to the dance at 6.
“Thank God we’re out of there” said Alice
“I know, she’s just creepy”
“so are you going?”she asked
“Going? Oh ya, I guess so, I got nothing better to do”
“Cool, I’ll see you there”
We walked out into the bright June sun, the air was better here, less thick and humid.
“Do you need a ride home?” I asked her
“No, my friends are going to pick me up, wanna come with”
I thought about it for a second, then I saw who she was talking about as a green Corvair pulled up in front of us. Inside were two blank faced people, Joan Wolf and Ted Benson, they were a couple of stoners, violent stoners. I saw them every day after school one would start yelling about something, he would hit her, she would hit him, then they would smoke up and “make up”. I never understood why Alice hung around with them, she and Joan had been friends since 7th grade but when Ted came on the scene they started to drift apart.
She hopped in the backseat and rolled down the window.
“Last chance”
“I’m good”

I drove around for a little while along the back roads and side streets, burning gas and wasting time then pulled into Jakes Café down on Danbury Street. I recognized Joey Calvin’s Dodge out front and I pulled in next to him, he was a good friend of mine. He was from the poor side of town (they used to call it the colored side) but no one seemed to mind, his folks ran the place and after school he would come down and work bussing tables. I walked in the screen door and looked around, Joey was cleaning the counter, he looked up and a big smile spread across his face.
“Hey, we don’t serve your kind in here” He shouted
“Like I’d want to eat anything you serve”
I walked over to the counter and sat down at one of the stools, just as joeys mother came running out.
“Joseph, what in the hell are you shouting about, who are you not going to… oh it’s just you Timmy.”
“Hello Mrs. Calvin how are you”
“Oh, wonderful, did Joseph tell you the good news”
“No what”
“I Got a letter from the University of Chicago, they want to give me a baseball scholarship”
“My baby’s going to college, and for free”
“That’s great man”
“So what’s up with you” he said as his mother walked back into the kitchen.
“Just got out of a detention with Mrs. Battleaxe”
“Oh, that sucks”
“Well, it wasn’t all bad, Alice Jenson was there so at least I had something to look at”
“Amen”
We sat around and talked for a while, drinking (Joeys father always kept a bottle of Jack under the counter) just hanging out, his mother would occasionally pop her head in and ask if we wanted anything to eat. Only a couple of people came in while I was there, Joey would reluctantly go over and give them the menus and take their orders. One old lady started getting short and bossy with him, demanding he cook her food in a certain way. Joes mother finally came out with a spatula in her hand and gave it to the woman and said.
“Here, you don’t like how we cook it do it yourself”
The woman stormed out, muttering to herself.
I looked up at the neon clock on the wall above the counter and realized it was 7. I decided it was time to go home and get ready, I didn’t feel like leaving knowing that I was going to get my head bitten for what I had done that morning. I sucked it up, took one last shot of Jack and headed for home. I never drank just to get drunk, so when i took a drink I had a reason and this was as good as any, when I pulled into the drive way I saw the curtains in the kitchen window open, pause for a second, and then shut. I just barely got in the front door when the shouting started.
“TIM, GET IN HERE NOW” boomed my father
I walked into the kitchen and found my father and mother standing at the kitchen table both red in the face, Percy sat behind them, a candy bar in hand.
“Percy” said my mother sweetly “could you go in the other room”
He smiled and walked of then she turned toward me
“What is the matter with you! Why would you ever do such a thing to that sweet little boy, he’s done nothing to you, he’s been nothing but good”
My face went hot, the rage boiled over in my brain, I was being yelled at in my own home because I told the truth, at that point I exploded.
“He’s not a good little boy, he’s a spoiled, rotten, little asshole who whines and cries until he gets his way and puts down anyone but that stupid, drug addicted mother of his!”
“Don’t you talk about my daughter that way you little son of a bitch!” screamed my father “or I swear to God above I’ll beat the hell outta you!”
“You try it old man and I’ll put you through the wall, I’m not afraid of you anymore”
My father’s jaw dropped, he had no idea what to say. I had just confronted him with every parent’s worst nightmare, he sat back down in his chair at the head of the table and tried to regroup. I decided to get out of there before he came back and sprinted out the side door.
  





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Mon Mar 29, 2010 3:13 pm
Esmé says...



Hello,

Welcome to YWS, hope you'll have a lovely time and will stay with us forever! Just remember that you'll probably get more reviews if you review others' works, yes?

Anyhow, the first think that blares like an ambulance siren is dialogue punctuation. Irksome creatures, punctuation and grammar and all that, but there you have it. Even on a visual level it's off-putting. But on a happy note, it's really easy to learn and quickly becomes a habit. Google this, there are plenty of articles floating about on the topic (and some here on YWS, too). The general rules:

"I am," he said.

"I am?" he asked.

"I am!" he yelled.

"I am." He turned around. -> "he" does sthing that has no link to how he said something in the quotes.

That aside, there are tons of little tiny mistakes, insgnificant really - they could be easily done away with, e.g. your - you're, of coarse - of course. A missing apostrophe, and so on. Just read through it one more time. Spring cleaning!

On the other hand, I liked how the dialogue with Alice was set in detention, so those two things were interwined. Very nice. It worked well - they didn't hit each other in the head and fall down or anything like that. Order of events clear, so the reader always knows what's happening - but grammar! Too many commas, too little periods and so many run on sentences. Spring cleaning! :)


Cheers,
Esme
  








so many languages have fallen / off of the edge of the world / into the dragon's mouth.
— Lucille Clifton