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Two Girls of Chicago...{Chapter Two}



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Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:49 pm
Kaywiia says...



Charlotte ran down the stairs. Her favorite dinner was on the table. Spaghetti with meatballs, in her opinion the best food invented. And after she was famous she decided she would go and meet the person who invented spaghetti and thank them in person. She went to sit down at the table where the rest of her family was.

As she went to dig in, Mrs. Dale said, “No, no Char. We have to thank our lord first.”
The family said a quick prayer, and Charlotte said, “Now can I eat.” Mrs. Dale nodded, and Charlotte dug in like a starving dog presented with a steak. It was only after she finished swallowing the food she realized that it wasn’t a very lady-like thing to do. Her mother and father had barely made a dent in theirs. Great, now she would have to sit there until they finished. She made a growling noise.

“Maybe you should have eaten more slowly.” Her mother said.

She stared out the window into the busy streets of her home city, Chicago. The people walked by. I bet they don’t have to sit at the table until everyone is done, Charlotte thought, looking at a group of girls who walked by. They all had matching pink dresses and pretty hair ribbons.

Charlotte looked sadly down at her skirt and shirt ensemble. It was brown and red, her two least favorite colors. No, pink and green were the colors for her. When she was famous all her dresses would be green and pink. She would never wear brown again.

When she was famous she could leave the table whenever she wanted, and all the people would chase after her. Then there would be a dance. The ladies would all be in gowns. The men would wear tuxedos and bow-ties. She imagined herself in a pretty dress like the ones she saw in shop windows, the ones mommy said were not for little girls. She was happy with the picture. In a pink dress, she might look pretty, almost.

As Charlotte daydreamed, her mother cleared the table and brought out a small chocolate cake. “Happy Birthday, Char.” She said.

Charlotte looked at the cake, and thought of the nice ice cream the rich ladies probably got to eat. “Thank you very much for the cake mother.” Charlotte said, and looked down at her cake with slight distaste.

She ate the cake, though, and found out it was very good. Her father drew out of his bag one more thing. It was a pencil kit with six pencils, an eraser, and a sharpener.

“It is really pretty, father!” Charlotte said, pleased.

“I am glad you like it.” He replied.

Lillian had sat silent this whole time. She couldn’t wait for her birthday. Maybe her dad would get her a pretty necklace. If that was all she got, it would be okay. She could picture the other schoolgirls eyeing it with envy in their eyes. They would want to put it on, but she wouldn’t let them, because it would be hers.

“Bed time, Lilli.” Her mother said.

“Aw, I don’t want to go to bed.” Lillian said.

“It is getting late.” Her father said.

“Charlotte, will you tell me a bedtime story?” Lillian asked. Charlotte rolled her big blue eyes and walked Lillian upstairs. Lillian wished she had eyes like Charlotte, because Lillian’s eyes were the color of dirt. Her hair wasn’t much better. It was brown and ugly too, almost the same color as her eyes. Charlotte had pretty light brown hair that shone in the sun when they walked to school. Lillian’s was too ugly to shine, or that’s what she thought.

Charlotte sat Lillian on the bed. She pulled a book out from the shelf beside the bed. It was called The Adventures of Sergeant Hazelnut, Squirrel Captain in training. Charlotte thought the title was long and overused, but it was Lillian’s favorite story. Charlotte cracked open the book and began to read.

Downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Dale were having an argument in whispers.

“You can’t go off to work in the country, the children will be heartbroken.” Mrs. Dale said.

“But the company will close soon and I will be out on the streets.” Mr. Dale replied.

“You know Charlotte, she is upset in her life enough as it is, and this might just break her.” Mrs. Dale knew her husband didn’t see things about Charlotte. Charlotte had a bad case of the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome. She always wanted whatever she didn’t have.

“We need to pay the bills somehow.”

“So you will pay them by breaking Charlotte’s heart?”
“If that is what keeps us in a house.”

Unbeknownst to her parents, Charlotte had heard much of their conversation. She frowned, and a tear leaked down her cheek. They thought she was upset in her life, well they were partially right. But not for her life would she admit it.
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?
  





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Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:43 pm
WhiteTiger93 says...



Hey Kay! I'm Tigress, here to review for you! :D

First things first. You have too much repetition. Your couple of sentences repeated themselves and since that is supposed to be your hook, to keep the readers interested, that's one of the big time writing No-No's. (;

Her favorite dinner was on the table. Spaghetti with meatballs, in her opinion the best food invented. And after she was famous she decided she would go and meet the person who invented spaghetti and thank them in person.


This was just repeating, over and over, that the dinner they were having was spaghetti and meatballs and that it was Charlotte's favorite. Here's an example of a way to fix this:

The intoxicating aroma of tomato sauce and ground meat filled the dining hall. Spaghetti and meat balls was, in her opinion, God's gift to man.

See how you can add so much more imagery in a way that the reader can almost smell and taste the food that Charlotte loves so much? My sentence isn't perfect, not at all, but I hope you can see my point. (:

So, I think that by reading through this a few good times, you should be able to eliminate all of your repetition. However, you do need much more thought into your sentences. For example:

As she went to dig in, Mrs. Dale said, “No, no Char. We have to thank our lord first.”
The family said a quick prayer, and Charlotte said, “Now can I eat.” Mrs. Dale nodded, and Charlotte dug in like a starving dog presented with a steak. It was only after she finished swallowing the food she realized that it wasn’t a very lady-like thing to do. Her mother and father had barely made a dent in theirs. Great, now she would have to sit there until they finished. She made a growling noise


This paragraph was one of the worst I read. It's too boring. You keep using the same sentence structure such as "Charlotte said," "Mrs. Dale said," "She did this and she did that." Here's a way to try and fix this:

Charlotte grabbed the silver fork about to plunge it into the noodles and beef until a cold hand grabbed her wrist. Charlotte looked up, grimacing. "No, Charlotte, dear. We have to thank the Lord first." Charlotte frowned but bowed her head in prayer along with the rest of the family. "Now can I eat?" Charlotte asked, practically begging with her eyes. Her stomach was making strange noises and her hand was twitching towards the spagetti.

Just a rough example. You can add so much more to this! But, as I read through it I didn't think you put any effort into it. I've seen that you can make very nice sentences, but I didn't see anything great in this portion. I suggest you think and put more thought into your sentences.

Your strongest point here was Charlotte's "grass is greener on the other side syndrome." (; However, you've got to be careful about both the sisters (I think they are sisters) self-loathing thing. Or else that will backfire and make the reader despise both characters. So, I would keep in Charlotte noticing other girl's dresses and how keeps thinking she'll be famous (though, not at dinner, I'd put that in afterward or something) but when we meet Lillian, don't talk about how she thinks she's ugly. Talk more about how she thinks her sister is pretty, and how, it seems, she looks up to her. (;

I suggest you read through this a few times and maybe you'll see all the repetition. Hope that I helped, all my comments are just suggestions. (:

~Tigress
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!

~A Very Potter Musical - Dumbledore
  





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Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:25 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hi, :D
Here to review your work again. I hope this helps.Your chapters are too short and even when the cahpter 2 is complete, reader has less idea about the plot. Maybe you can work on that.


The family said a quick prayer, and Charlotte said, “Now can I eat.” Mrs. Dale nodded, and Charlotte dug in like a starving dog presented with a steak. It was only after she finished swallowing the food she realized that it wasn’t a very lady-like thing to do. Her mother and father had barely made a dent in theirs. Great, now she would have to sit there until they finished. She made a growling noise.

There should be question mark after ,'Can I eat."
She made a growling noise? Put something better in this.



“Maybe you should have eaten more slowly.” Her mother said.

Why did you put capital 'H' ro her while the sentence is still incomplete.

When she was famous she could leave the table whenever she wanted, and all the people would chase after her.

Don;t put,' When she was famous agian and again.' Put something like,When she was going to be famous.'


Keep writing !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by MiaParamore on Sat Mar 06, 2010 5:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Tue Mar 02, 2010 5:02 pm
skutter11 says...



Quite a good one. Is it going to go like Sinebeck's "Grapes Of Wrath"?...
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?
  





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Sat Mar 06, 2010 1:20 am
ballerina13 says...



AS the other reviewers have already said, there is a lot of repetition. But, I will discuss something else.
I love the way you developed your main character some more. It is not perfect but it is getting there. I liked the imagery that you had in some places. But I felt that you could have stretched it out a bit more. You created a conflict which made me want to read more. The story is getting better. Just take your time and create more of picture. Give us a brief burst of description. A snapshot if you will of the scene. :D
Got YWS?
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Wed Mar 10, 2010 1:13 am
gymgirl398 says...



OH MY GOSH!!! I want to read the rest sooo badly! Please continue!
  





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Wed Mar 10, 2010 1:55 am
KitxKat says...



Yes, it is me again.
Grammar is purple
anything else is blue.

Kaywiia wrote:Charlotte ran down the stairs. Her favorite dinner was on the table. Spaghetti with meatballs, in her opinion the best food invented. And after she was famous she decided she would go and meet the person who invented spaghetti and thank them in person. She went to sit down at the table where the rest of her family was.

As she went to dig in, Mrs. Dale said, “No, no Char. We have to thank our lord first.”
The family said a quick prayer, and Charlotte said, “Now can I eat.”New paragraph. Question mack instead of period. Mrs. Dale nodded, and Charlotte dug in like a starving dog presented with a steak. It was only after she finished swallowing the food she realized that it wasn’t a very lady-like thing to do. Her mother and father had barely made a dent in theirs. Great, now she would have to sit there until they finished. She made a growling noise.

“Maybe you should have eaten more slowly.” Her mother said.

She stared out the window into the busy streets of her home city, Chicago. The people walked by. I bet they don’t have to sit at the table until everyone is done, Charlotte thought, looking at a group of girls who walked by. They all had matching pink dresses and pretty hair ribbons.

Charlotte looked sadly down at her skirt and shirt ensemble. It was brown and red, her two least favorite colors. No, pink and green were the colors for her. When she was famous all her dresses would be green and pink. She would never wear brown again.

When she was famous she could leave the table whenever she wanted, and all the people would chase after her. Then there would be a dance. The ladies would all be in gowns. The men would wear tuxedos and bow-ties. She imagined herself in a pretty dress like the ones she saw in shop windows, the ones mommy said were not for little girls. She was happy with the picture. In a pink dress, she might look pretty, almost.

As Charlotte daydreamed, her mother cleared the table and brought out a small chocolate cake. “Happy Birthday, Char.” She said.

Charlotte looked at the cake, and thought of the nice ice cream the rich ladies probably got to eat. “Thank you very much for the cake mother.” Charlotte said, and looked down at her cake with slight distaste.

She ate the cake, though, and found out it was very good. Her father drew out of his bag one more thing. It was a pencil kit with six pencils, an eraser, and a sharpener.

“It is really pretty, father!” Charlotte said, pleased.

“I am glad you like it.” He replied.

Lillian had sat silent this whole time. She couldn’t wait for her birthday. Maybe her dad would get her a pretty necklace. If that was all she got, it would be okay. She could picture the other schoolgirls eyeing it with envy in their eyes. They would want to put it on, but she wouldn’t let them, because it would be hers.

“Bed time, Lilli.” Her mother said.

“Aw, I don’t want to go to bed.” Lillian said.

“It is getting late.” Her father said.

“Charlotte, will you tell me a bedtime story?” Lillian asked. Charlotte rolled her big blue eyes and walked Lillian upstairs. Lillian wished she had eyes like Charlotte, because Lillian’s eyes were the color of dirt. Her hair wasn’t much better. It was brown and ugly too, almost the same color as her eyes. Charlotte had pretty light brown hair that shone in the sun when they walked to school. Lillian’s was too ugly to shine, or that’s what she thought.

Charlotte sat Lillian on the bed. She pulled a book out from the shelf beside the bed. It was called The Adventures of Sergeant Hazelnut, Squirrel Captain in training. Charlotte thought the title was long and overused, but it was Lillian’s favorite story. Charlotte cracked open the book and began to read.

Downstairs, Mr. and Mrs. Dale were having an argument in whispers.

“You can’t go off to work in the country, the children will be heartbroken.” Mrs. Dale said.

“But the company will close soon and I will be out on the streets.” Mr. Dale replied.

“You know Charlotte, she is upset in her life enough as it is, and this might just break her.” Mrs. Dale knew her husband didn’t see things about Charlotte. Charlotte had a bad case of the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome. She always wanted whatever she didn’t have.

“We need to pay the bills somehow.”

“So you will pay them by breaking Charlotte’s heart?”
“If that is what keeps us in a house.”

Unbeknownst to her parents, Charlotte had heard much of their conversation. She frowned, and a tear leaked down her cheek. They thought she was upset in her life, well they were partially right. But not for her life would she admit it.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!
  





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Wed Mar 10, 2010 10:34 pm
jok101 says...



me again I just wrote the last review so can't be asked to do another one. The problem is still the same, chapter length. I don't see a problem with the plot I mean I thinks it's turning out to be an interesting biopic. That's what it is right. Starts off when she's ten then in a few chapters you'll skip ahead and she'll be a teenager. so on and so on until she either dies in a sad scene in the end or she finds her true love and they get married where it finishes with something like

"and in her tattered old diary, with the gold flaking off and the spine week she wrote on the last page only two words

Love Charlot"

or is it just gonna be a story about a child growing up and dealing with the hardships that come with growing up the kind of books that start of strong but get tiring about half way through.

just wondering.
  





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Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:11 pm
Kaywiia says...



Neither, actually, Charolotte and Lillian are both going to have to WALK to nebraska
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?
  








If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.
— Jane Austen