Young Writers Society

Thanks Valentine. But I think that people do co-relate their real life relationships in their dream. This dream was just a way to bring out her feelings and fears to the readers. Sorry, couldn't agree on this.
Thanks by the way. I will edit it and you can try it read later.

Hey there! Tis WD, as requested! As has been mentioned, you have an interesting idea here... but, also, as has been said, it is confusing right now. The Melanie/Jemima confusion is fascinating. But I feel it could be conveyed with less surrounding confusion in a less convoluted prologue. Right now, as a reader, I am confused about many things. I know where the setting is, but I have very little feel for it. I feel like if you ground the reader more in the setting and give us a better feeling for what is going on, this will be more engaging. Right now it's too much ambiguity to chew for a prologue. Ambiguity in the form of foreshadowing is great for prologues; ambiguity regarding action, relationships and setting tends to put off readers, in my opinion.

So, a few suggestions on how to achieve this:

1. Make the dream read like a dream

The dream she has feels like a memory right now; it's written in such a way that I had no idea the first two paragraphs were a dream until she woke up from it. This can be nice sometimes when the dream is concrete, but right now the dream is so ambiguous that is sounds like the narrative voice is leaping from scene to scene and trying to confuse us rather than introducing the story with a recurring dream. Putting the dream in italics may help with this. Giving it more dreamy qualities may also help. Think about the dreams that you have and incorporate some of those qualities into the dream.

2. Ground us in the setting

When she wakes up from the dream, ground us. Right now the dream and the real world mesh in such a way that is confusing, because neither of them have well-developed settings. For dreams, this is all right. For the real world, the reader needs to be able to distinguish and get a feeling for the atmosphere and setting. This doesn't mean you have to go into great detail about the appearance of her room, but a few details and hints at the current situation and atmosphere would help the reader realize he or she is, in fact, in reality now.

3. More character

I commend you: your narrative voice is pretty strong! You have that going for you, but, when your character goes downstairs, the reader gets very little feel for her physical reaction to the dream, her emotional instability/stability, the way she moves and talks and her body language, the quirks about her that make her who she is. Try to develop her more strongly in reality and the reader will have more to latch onto and relate to. Right now she just seems a little too distant to engage the reader fully. Try cutting down on some of her internal monologue and using more body language. Give the reader some solid ground to stand on, or the reader might fall through and lose interest.

I know, these are some pretty big picture things, but I think these issues need to be ironed out. As has been said, spellchecking and grammar are vital here, so make sure you proofread. Also, try reading your work aloud. There were some awkward sentences here that you could probably catch if you read it aloud. You have a pretty decent start; just experiment with those things and try to engage your reader without losing them. Make sense? Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Thanks. Will definitely go through it.

Since you've gotten a lot of comments, I'm just going to clarify this point here:

shubhiloves2write wrote:Thanks for reviewing my work and I will work on the characters.
@Demeter:

The dialogue sounds a bit stiff in many places. When putting words into your characters' mouths, think of whether you could say the line in an ordinary conversation, or whether someone else could. In short, just try saying it out loud, figuring if it sounds realistic. For example, how many people do actually add "Mom" in their sentence every time they're talking to their mother?

Many of us say, 'mom' while talking to our mother. Sorry couldn't agree on this with you.

Yes, we do say "mom" when talking to our mothers. But I think what Demi means here is saying "mom" every line. Take here:

“Yes mom. I just came down to drink water. Why are you awake?” I inquired when I saw Mel’s mom dressed in her pink nightgown standing right next to the kitchen entrance.

“Actually I have a project to complete so was up to complete it. You know how stressed I am these days,” she said and looked at me carefully. There was no sweat now only tension which couldn’t be hidden from her, I turned to the other side so she could know that her inspection was irritating me."Had that dream again?” she guessed.

“No mom,” I lied.

“Don’t lie to me .I heard the voice of something you broke,” she was angry.

So she had heard this and was also lying to me. She was coming upstairs to see me .I turned back at her to see that how serene her face looked.

“I was just taking my medicines, mom,” I said. By now I had practiced a lot to call Mel’s mom mine.

Every time she is speaking to her mother, she says "mom." Saying "mom" or "Mary" or "John" in every line of dialogue addressed to that person makes the dialogue sound unnatural. It should be easy to identify who's speaking without addressing people each line of dialogue. Doing that makes it sound like a man in the arm addressing his superior.

Now, if you're going for that kind of "army effect," then you're getting into a cliche authoritarian mother. You'll want to avoid that. Instead, cut out "mom" in some of those lines.

~Rosey

Hola!

So I'm here as requested. Pardon me if I repeat what some of the other reviewers have said here. I'll write my own and then I may read what the other critics here said. If I do repeat something, then it'll just reinforce the fact that maybe that part needs editing.

On with the review! =D

A Few Nitpicks

“Melanie, stop,” I cried. I was running after her on a dark street in God knows where, wearing my pajamas. She was very frightened so she didn’t look back. She was sure that it was one of the Iraqis that were trying to kill her and I was sure that it was Melanie. How could I forget my own figure and the dress I wore on my last birthday? It had to be Melanie. How could she not recognize her own voice?

I'm actually not all that sure what to say here. It's very confusing, but at the same time, it's drawing me in because I want to understand and know what's going on. Also, it seems like you're telling instead of showing, but at the same time it kinda goes along with the voice and feeling of the story. An odd predicament... maybe reading further will help me understand...

She turned back, and I could just make out that she was happy to see me here, but facial features weren't clear . After I said these words, she stopped and for that moment everything stood still. I could hear an animal’s cry as if to mark our reunion. But why were they crying? We were going to meet after nine months so why did they mourn? Maybe we weren’t going to meet. She turned to look at me though I couldn’t make out the face clearly.I could hear a horn from somewhere nearby.I saw something bright flash into my eyes and Mel's too, disrupting our meet.

Okay, so now I know that it isn't just the beginning that is confusing, but from there on too. See, you mention twice that she turns around, but the first time she seems happy, and the second time the main character can't make out her face at all. This is very confusing. Not to mention repetitive. (Also, I'm beginning to notice that you're forgetting to put space in between periods at the end of sentences, and the beginning of the next sentence. Doesn't matter really but I thought I'd point it out anyway.)

Also, I'd revise that last sentence a little. It's out of place.

I didn't think about anything else or they didn't give a chance and I began running to a place which I also didn't know where was.

This is a severe run-on. I'd reconstruct it to read like this;

“I didn't think about anything else, or they didn't give me a chance because I began running somewhere I was not familiar with.”

I had trifled the last chance I had got.

Add in the word “with” right after “trifled” and you're golden XD

I woke up from this nightmare which formed a very much part of my existence now, since they had left.

This sentence is a bit funky. Perhaps change it to;

“This nightmare that I frequently awaken from has become a part of my existence now; ever since they left.”

Overall

Overall, I found this story intense, but a bit confusing. Self-editing would help out a lot. A self-editing technique that I always use is simply reading the story aloud before posting it. Read it to your pet, your mom, your dad, heck, even read it to your stuffed animal, but the most important part is reading it aloud. It's a fool-proof way to edit, because if it doesn't sound right then it doesn't read right either.

The characters have a lot of potential, by the way. I like the main character. ^_^

I plan to review your next chapter too. (:

~Peanut

Thannks peanut.

If you like then please press the button for,LIKE'.

Well, it is better now. And everyone else has pretty much covered what I would have said.

Hello! I'm here at your request! I really liked this prologue, it draws you in as soon as you begin reading it. I greatly hope you continue this! I want to know who Jemima was, and why she has become Melanie!!
I shall review this in ravishing red.

wearing my pajamas.

No more Melanie Stone and Jemima Rover would haunt the Iraq streets.I don't understand this sentence, please try revising it.

It would be more heart-breaking. No, I would have to wait for them.

...turned back at her to see how serene her face looked.

...tied in a perfect ponytail and no strand of hair was out of its place.