Young Writers Society

Chapter Three

The name rang in my head. I've never heard it before, but it carried the weight of importance. Auschwitz. Was this the place I was going to die? Was this the place where my family was going to die? What horrors will we encounter in this godforsaken place? Fear clenched at my heart and soul like an evil grip, refusing to release me.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang on the side of this hellish cattle car. It jolted me to reality, and I was suddenly very grateful for my family's presence. I knew I could not get through this without them.
After the bang, The small door was unlatched and opened. A breeze of air blew in, and my reflex to vomit was triggered. It smelled like the flesh of burning corpses. I vomited all over the newly vacant ground next to me, my insides roiling. My face burned in shame as my mother patted my back comfortingly, and the nothing that was in my stomach was even more pronounced. I squeezed my eyes shut to keep the tears away, then reopened them. We had to leave now.
I jumped over the edge of the door, my father leading the way. We took our place in line and the smell of burning dead bodies perfumed the air around me even more. I peered to the front of the line, seeing what was at the front.
There were three men in the tan uniforms sitting at a desk, with papers and documents in front of them. They were seeing each of us one by one. A man who looked about thirty approached the desk, and was asked his name and age.
After the brief interview, they directed him to the group of people on the right. Next in line was a frail old woman whose face was contorted with fear. The same questions were asked, but this time the woman was directed to the group of people on the left. It was clear what was going on here.
The people on the left were going to die. The group looked sickly and unwell, clearly unfit to help the Germans' war effort. The people on the right were clearly in the prime of their lives and ready to help the Germans by slave labor.
Immediately, hope planted a small seed of happiness into my head. Maybe if we were all deemed fit to work, we could
stay together. There was no doubt that my stay in this horrible place called Auschwitz would be horrible and torturous, but with my family I would surely not succumb to those vast feelings of hopelessness and loneliness.
My thoughts were interrupted by a man in line in front of my father who seemed to be talking to us. His gaze was
directed to my father as he asked, "How old are you?" Taken aback by this stranger, my father gave him a quizzical look and answered, "45." The man nodded and then asked him, "How about your beautiful family?" I shuddered as he aimed lecherous look my way. My father, not missing that look, narrowed his eyes and said, My wife is 38, my daughter is 17, and my son is 13. Why do you bother us with your questions of age?
"Listen to me," the man said harshly. "If you want to stay together, then just listen. Lie about your ages. The Germans don't want anyone too old or too young on their work force, it slows down work production. You and wife must both be 35, and your son better be at least fifteen. Lie or suffer the consequences." Then he turned around, for it was his turn in line.
"You heard the man," my father said decisively. "It makes sense. Honey, me and you are both 35, and Gabe must be fifteen. Keep this in mind and we shall stay together." Then, he stepped forward, for it was his turn.
He was asked his usual questions, and then mercifully directed to the group of people destined to live. I breathed a sigh of relief, then my stomach notted up. It was my turn.
I stepped up to the desk with my head held high, although on the inside I was screaming in fear. The three officers were
all in their twenties, all handsome, and all wearing that uniform that disgusted me. Despite their young ages and handsome faces, a surge of unrelenting hate flowed through me.
The man sitting in the middle looked at me with appreciation, and raked his eyes from my feet to my face. With a smirk that made me want to smack him, he finally asked me the two questions. "What is your name?" he asked, that infuriating smirk still on his poisonously handsome face. God, I hate them all.
"Lisbet Sobell," I said, sounding much braver than I felt. He marked something on his clipboard, then looked up at me
again.
"And how old are you, Lisbet?" he said, mocking me and running his eyes up and down my body once again. Disgust, hate, and fury tore at me.
"Seventeen." I said shortly, wanting to get away from these men as quickly as possible. He marked something else down on his paper and said, "Very well, Lisbet." If he said my name one more time, I was going to scream. "You may join
your father."
Holding my head even higher, I walked to where my father was. I immediately grabbed his hand as we waited impatiently as my mother and brother took their turns.
Miraculously, they both passed the selection. Relief and gratitude enveloped me as we all joined hands once again. The Germans finished interviewing the others, with three more people joining our group. A middle-aged soldier told us to line up as he led us through the gates of Auschwitz. Once inside, a new order was issued.
"Men to the left, women to the right!" the soldier barked at us in German. Immediately, worry and despair planted themselves into my head. Would we see father and Gabe again?
My mother, seeing the look on my face, tried to calm me. "Lissy, it's okay. They're probably just going to different barracks."
Still, watching my father and brother walk away, worry began to gnaw at me.


I did not know that I would never see them again.

Sorry about the messed up paragraphs! Haha just ignore them, I had to type the whole thing on my iPod.

Hey Doom, I really like your story, there are a couple things to fix though.

The name rang in my head. I've never heard it before, but it carried the weight of importance. Auschwitz.

Here, you have a couple of sentence fragments. Try combining them a little bit. Here's an idea.... 'The name rang in my head over and over again; Auschwitz. I've never heard it before, but it sounded like it carried a weight of importance.' Just a thought.

We took our place in line and the smell of burning dead bodies perfumed the air around me even more. I peered to the front of the line, seeing what was at the front.

I think you would be okay to take out the and, and place a comma after line. Then switch perfumed to perfuming. Also, front of the line and front are kind of repetitive. Try saying something like 'I peered over the heads of other people, trying to see what was at the front.'

Well, that's all I saw. Great job on this story! It's really grabbed my attention. Your facts seem accurate and well written. Bravo!

Lucy Pennykettle

Thanks Lucy! I appreciate the review :] Yeahh, I researched a bunch of stuff forthis story for it to be as accurate as possible. Thanks again!


BeautifulDoom :]

Yello again! It's me as requested, again! XD
I hope this review helps you (and makes your day) as much as the others did!
As usual m'thoughts and suggestions are in the coloured italics!

BeautifulDoom wrote:Chapter Three

The name rang in my head -- this sentence is a little too related to your second chapter. I think you need to make it less-so because it draws away that potential for the chapter hook. I've never heard it before, but it carried the a weight of importance -- I think it reads better with the 'a'. Auschwitz -- this is an example of a good pre-chapter reference. I'd edit it to italics though. Was this the place I was going to die? - This question lacks the punch it deserves, so I think you need to do a little more atmosphere setting first. Was this the place where my family was going to die? -- I love the involvement of the other characters here and the mention of family in italics is something the reader can associate to, so this is well written. What horrors will we encounter in this godforsaken dreadful place? -- Just a suggestion, 'godforsaken' doesn't fit the situation for me. Fear clenched at my heart and soul like an evil grip, refusing to release me. -- Now that I love. Those good lines act as the hooks and if you put more of these at the beginning, we'll see more of that shine we feel in your first two chapters.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang on the side of this hellish(Brilliant choice of vocab which portrays the atmosphere PERFECTLY) cattle car. It jolted me to reality, and I was suddenly very grateful for my family's presence -- good setting maintenance and character development. I knew I could not get through this without them. The reader can familiarise themselves with this situation, so your writing has true effect. It's lovely to read.
Quickly after the bang (I feel it needed some sort of adverb to give it that 'punch', just a suggestion though), Tthe small door was unlatched and opened. A breeze of air blew in, and my reflex to vomit was triggered. Good, I like the idea pulling through about your characters actions, try not to be too informal though, the "reflex to vomit was triggered" sounds a bit too 'third-party' (by this I mean it doesn't feel it's coming from the character you're narrating from) It smelled like the flesh of burning corpses -- by removing the simile, you put a certainty in the writing and I feel it results in a bigger effect on the reader. I had vomited all over the newly vacant ground next to me, my insides roiling -- I like your choice of language here and it sounds far more like your character. My face burned in shame as my mother patted my back comfortingly this is a good portrayal of emotion, and the nothing that was in my stomach was even more-so pronounced. I squeezed my eyes shut to keep the tears away, before then reopeneding them. We had to leave now. Brilliant paragraph ending. Er, nitpicks for this paragraph is basically just a few suggestions of how to make it read better. By putting "had" into "I vomited all..." it reads better as you have a line of description inbetween when you first mentioned your character had vomited. It's just small 'suggestions' not errors like this.
I jumped over the edge of the door with my father leading the way. We took our place in line and the smell of burning dead bodies [[[perfumed]]] -- right choice of language? I would've wondered more along the lines of 'stench' or 'polluted', etc. It's upto you, but in terms of atmosphere, I'd think more negative in this context the air around me even more. I peered to the front of the line, grasping every effort to seeing what was at the front. Revise these lines more, especially when they end a paragraph. Make sure to drop some spice into them, keep the readers interest. Other than that, a fabulous, involving read so far.
There were three men in theose tan uniforms sitting at a desk ('those' personalizes the narration more), with old papers and documents in front of them -- little drop of description here and there are easy little improvements to prose. They were seeing each of us one by one I like the structure and simplicity of this line, well-written. I saw a man who looked about thirty approached the desk, and was they asked his name and age. The atmosphere is being lost here because its not personal enough for first person. Let's see more of that hand grabbing, worried girl. The plot development's strong, but the imagery is begining to lack. Don't worry though, its easily fixed. I've made some suggestions so I hope they help!
After the brief interview, they directed him to the a group of people on the right (insert a line that gives us a little feeling of this 'group'. Was it made up of people in poor clothing? Were they sad? Were they worried?. Next in line was a frail old woman whose face was contorted with fear -- love it, this is what I like to see. The same questions were asked, but this time the woman was directed to the group of people on the left. This group was made up of more frail people? Young girls perhaps? Babies? The atmosphere needs to be strengthened, especially in a 50/50 life or death situation like this. It was clear what was going on here. I like this alot, and good way to end the paragraph. It conjures up that interest and curiousity.
The people on the left were going to die - explicit, but well-written. The group looked sickly and unwell, clearly unfit to help the Germans' war effort. Sounds a little formal. I'd also put this description up where I mentioned ealier and have a bit following on from the explicit and blunt start to this paragraph talking about the worries of your character. The people on the right were clearly in the prime of their lives and ready to help the Germans by slave labor. Not sure about this paragraph.
Immediately, hope planted a small seed of happiness into my head. Maybe if we were all deemed fit to work, we could stay together Yay! She's back. The idea of hope is a strong feeling so I think you've done very well chosing that particular word. There was no doubt that my stay in this horrible place called Auschwitz (If you want to mention Auschwitz again, finish the paragraph with a line like, "Auschwitz, I thought. What on earth could that mean?" rather than repeating it would be horriblenasty and torturous, -- watch repition but with my family I would surely not succumb to those vast feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. I love this line. This is that brilliant emotive portrayal I was on about in your previous chapters, this is what I LOVE to read. Let's have more.
My thoughts were interrupted by a man in line in front of my father who seemed to be talking to us. -- This seems like a line a little to choppy. I'd break it up. Go for something like: "All too soon my thoughts were interrupted. A man infront of my father seemed to be talking to us." See what I'm getting at? His gaze was directed to my father as he asked, "How old are you?" I like the involvement of dialogue here. Taken aback by this stranger, my father gave him a quizzical look and answered, "45." Lovely portrayal of chracter. The man nodded and then asked him, "How about your beautiful family?" I shuddered as he aimed lecherous look my way. This is very well written. I feel here my interest is solid and not as jumpy as previously. My father, not missing that look, narrowed his eyes and said, "My wife is 38, my daughter is 17, and my son is 13. Why do you bother us with your questions of age? A little wooden but it's okay. Dialogue's very hard to master and you're doing very well with it so far - well done.
"Listen to me," the man said harshly. I like the mystery and implicity of this character and how he's only really shown through dialogue, that's good. "If you want to stay together, then just listen. Lie about your ages. The Germans don't want anyone too old or too young on their work force, it slows down work production. You and your wife must both be 35, and your son better be at least fifteen. Lie or suffer the consequences." Then he turned around, for it was his turn in line. I enjoyed that. It adds tension but only by word, so there's an atmosphere of curiousity.
"You heard the man," my father said decisively Thankyou for including the word 'decisively'! This wouldn't have been a decision taken lightly so that's a good use of the word. "It makes sense. Honey, me and you are both 35, and Gabe must be fifteen. Keep this in mind and we shall stay together." You should mention something about his underlying uncertainty. What if he's wrong? Then, he stepped forward, for it was his turn. This is a good tense line and would be a good time to start talking about how worried your character is at the sight that it could possibly be the last time she see's her father.
He was asked his the usual questions, and then mercifully directed to the group of people destined to live. I like the way you've used the word 'mercifully' but I think you've missed an oppurtunity to install some real nail-biting tension here. I breathed out a sigh of relief, then my stomach notted up. It was my turn. Fabulous.
I stepped up to the desk with my head held high, although despite (just a suggestion) on the inside I was screaming in fear. The three officers were appeared to be all in their twenties, all handsome, and all wearing that uniform that disgusted me. I love the references to uniform. Just pick up on keeping the narration personal to keep the gripping atmosphere. Despite their young ages and handsome faces, a surge of unrelenting hate flowed through me. It would.
The man sitting in the middle looked at me with appreciation, and raked his eyes from my feet to my face. With a smirk that made me want to smack him, he finally asked me the two questions. "What is your name?" he asked, that infuriating smirk still on his poisonously handsome face. God, I hate them all. THAT WAS EXCELLENT. This is what I LOVE about your writing. The description, the atmosphere and the PERSONALITY. Truly beautiful.
"Lisbet Sobell," I said, sounding much braver than I felt. He marked something on his clipboard, then looked up at me again. Good. The reader's still in your character's shoes and experiencing what you're telling.
"And how old are you, Lisbet?" he said, mocking me and running his eyes up and down my body once again. Disgust, hate, and fury tore at me. Love this, especially the beauty magical three. Disgust, hate and my favourite 'fury'. Well portrayed.
"Seventeen." I said shortly, wanting to get away from these men as quickly as possible. Good writing and maintenance of atmosphere. He marked something else down on his paper and said, "Very well, Lisbet." If he said my name one more time, I was going to scream. "You may join your father." Love this, there's a feel of relief and also a surge of want to thank the guy for some reason, its good that you've managed to spark these reactions.
Holding my head even higher, I walked to where my father was. I immediately grabbed his hand as we waited impatiently as my mother and brother took their turns. Constant and emotional. There's relationship and character development, the plot's moving smoothly and your writing is well structured and the language well chosen.
Miraculously, they both passed the selection. Relief and gratitude enveloped me as we all joined hands once again. The Germans finished interviewing the others, with three more people joining our group. Give us a little jist of these three new people. A middle-aged soldier told us to line up as he led us through the gates of Auschwitz. Once inside, a new order was issued. Good, tense and vivid.
"Men to the left, women to the right!" the soldier barked at us in German. Immediately, worry and despair planted themselves into my head. Would we see father and Gabe again? I'd end it here. That would be the perfect grip and ending. It would be impossible not to read on.
My mother, seeing the look on my face, tried to calm me. "Lissy, it's okay. They're probably just going to different barracks."
Still, watching my father and brother walk away, worry began to gnaw at me.


I did not know that I would never see them again. I think the reasurance of the mother should be in the following chapter, but its just a suggestion

So, so
What can I say this time? Well, I'm loving the story and character developments. I'm generally gripped throughout and you have more of those writing gems. I enjoy your emotive portrayals very much...

But.

In this chapter I feel it lacks what it deserves.
My main nitpicks for this are the lack of that personal drive, the emotion and the personalized narration. It seems to be more info-dumped and 'third party'. I think if you revised this and took in some of my suggestions it would be an easy problem to clear-up.

Otherwise, once again, a beautiful piece.
Tell me when you have Chapter 4!
Hope this helped,
Ben.

Hi! I really enjoy this. I love how you have developed your MC. She has a great foundation. Maybe elaborate on the parents and brother a little more. You describe things wonderfully. To me it is almost as if I am there. Great job.

BeautifulDoom wrote:Sorry about the messed up paragraphs! Haha just ignore them, I had to type the whole thing on my iPod.

You can just now edit them on your PC or laptop because it seems really confusing.

hi BeautifulDoom,
As I have mentioned earlier your story glues me to my computer.A nice work you are doing and the plot is nice.The only problem I have with the title is that it's not very catchy.Try to find something nteresting.For example you can shorten it to,'Beautiful Jew'.